The edge of life: Official cover - coming soon

by Rachael Tonks

  I feign a smile and love that my girl always has a positive approach to everything. “You’re right. It’s not forever. Dad will be back soon, and hopefully, things will go back to normal.” I sit and digest the words that have left my own mouth. But the truth is I’m not sure I even believe that. He said he was in trouble, and that it was dangerous for him to be around me at the moment. There is a chance he’ll never be out of danger. What if he’s on the run forever… or worse? What if the people who want him finally get him?

  Ryder

  I speed away from her, down a street I’ve driven a thousand times. This is my damn neighborhood, where I grew up, so I know this area like the back of my fucking hand. I turn the corner, making it to the road where I need to be. I pull up outside her house, anxious to see her. It has been a few days, and I feel bad. I dismount my bike, making my way up the small path, and around the back before rapping my knuckles against the door. I don’t use the front door. It’s my way of being discreet. I wait impatiently for her to open the door, my eyes scanning the small yard clearly desperate for some damn maintenance. My head whips back around to the door as I hear it open slowly.

  “Hey, Ryder. Oh, am I glad to see you,” she says, throwing her arms around me and pulling me toward her small frame as she hugs me tightly.

  “Mom,” I say with a chuckle. “I’m sorry it’s been a few days. I’ve been busy.” I throw out my lame excuse. She pulls back, holding her hand palm out in front of me.

  “Tell me nothing,” she warns. “I don’t want to know what you boys have been up to.”

  I walk into the smoke-filled house, immediately pushing open the windows.

  “Ma, you need to get some damn fresh air in this place.”

  “Oh, stop your fussing,” she says as she hobbles back into the living area. I follow her, walking straight over to the windows by her and opening them as wide as they will go.

  “I’m not fussing, Ma, but this ain’t no good for you. I can barely see your damn face for all the smoke in here.” She rolls her eyes at me, giving me a little shrug of her shoulders.

  “So how’s Jax?” she quizzes, reaching for the packet of cigs on the table in front of her.

  “I didn’t come here to discuss Jax; I’ve come to see how you are.”

  “I know, I know,” she says as she holds the cigarette between her lips, flicking the lighter over and over. “Oh, this damn thing,” she mutters, repeatedly striking the lighter.

  “Here,” I say, reaching into my pocket and pulling out my metal lighter. I flick back the lid and ignite the flame, holding it close enough to light the cigarette.

  “Oh, you are good to me,” she says, placing a loving hand on my cheek. I place my hand over hers, holding it to my face. “I do miss you boys.” She sighs. “I just wish Jax would come see me sometime soon. I’d like to see his smiling face; he was always the one with a smile from ear to ear.”

  “Jeez, thanks, Ma,” I joke with her. I know she doesn’t mean anything by it. She just misses him, and the truth is he isn’t ever gonna visit Mom; he’s made that perfectly clear to me. He could never quite get over what happened in the past. He blames it all on Mom, whereas I see it for what it was.

  We were trouble.

  We still are.

  “I’m going to get someone to come and do your yard, Ma. It’s a mess.”

  “I tried, Ryder. I tried to get out the mower, but I just got so out of breath I had to give it up.”

  “You have to quit smoking. How many times have the doctors told you they’re no good for you?”

  “Oh, shut up,” she says playfully. “It’s the only thing that keeps me sane.”

  “Sane?” I tilt my head. “I’m not sure about that.”

  We both laugh, and I can’t help but appreciate how good it feels to be here with Mom. I have so much love for the woman who gave us so much; I just wished Jax could see it, acknowledge it even. Mom is an amazing lady. The best.

  I spend the next few hours helping Mom around the house, making her lunch, and cleaning up. The cabinets and refrigerator look a little bleak, so I make a mental note to get her some groceries the next time I come over. I try to see her every day, or every other day at the least. She was the good from my past, and there isn’t an awful lot of good. I’m a bad person, and I’ve done bad things, but never once did Mom turn her back on me.

  I keep checking my phone, waiting for that call from Kailee.

  “What’s wrong with you and that phone?” Mom quizzes me, eyeing the phone in my hand.

  “Waiting for a call,” I say with a grin.

  “Oh, not the usual business kind of call,” she says, her eyes widening. “Please tell me you’ve got a girl, Ryder. I just know that if you can meet the right girl, she will…”

  “Stop, Ma,” I say, cutting her off midsentence.

  “You know what I’m saying makes sense.”

  “So… you’re telling me that dragging some poor, unsuspecting girl into my life, knowing my lifestyle. Well, you think that’s a good idea?”

  “Listen here, boy” —she points her misshapen finger at me— “the only way you’ll get out of that damn lifestyle is to find someone to live for. Someone you love.”

  “That’s ridiculous.” I dismiss her with a shake of my head.

  “Mark my words, boy,” she says with a groan as she struggles to get out of her chair. She stiffly walks out of the room. “Momma’s never wrong,” she shouts back over her shoulder, waving her hand in the air.

  The fact is I can’t get this chick out of my head. While Mom’s out of sight, I check the phone again, kicking myself for not taking down her fucking number. I feel completely out of control, unable to contact her, and I don’t like how it feels, not one little bit. The girl standing in front of me the other day totally stunned me. The memory flashes in my mind; the one where her whole fucking body was practically on show, the water making her clothes almost see-through. I take a deep breath at the thought of her. Her tits were pretty much all on show, and I felt guilty for even looking. But I just couldn’t help it. Everything about this girl is exquisite. That damn fine figure of hers that I’d like to fuck into next week; her cute but straight-talking mouth was enough to give me an instant hard-on. A mouth I could see doing great things. I was forced to turn my back to her that morning for fear she might actually see my damn arousal. Chicks like her aren’t a dime a dozen. They are rare. Very rare.

  But there’s no way I could ever go there. She’s young, too damn young.

  “Here you go, son.” Mom hands me a cup of coffee.

  “I could have made these,” I scorn her, taking the cup from her shaky hand. “You need to rest, Ma.”

  “I can do it, Ryder. My body hasn’t given up on me yet,” she says breathlessly, taking a few steps back and dropping into her chair. I watch as she struggles to breathe, her hand resting shakily against her chest as it expands and contracts.

  “Ma… do you need me to get you something?”

  She declines with a shake of her head. “I just need a minute.”

  The blood pumps furiously through my veins as I sit helplessly, watching Mom struggling to breathe. I fucking hate seeing her like this. I hate feeling useless.

  “You should probably go,” she says, flicking her eyes toward the door.

  “You want me to leave?”

  “Fetch my coffee first then be gone with you,” she says with a light laugh. I step up from my seat and go to collect her drink, placing it down on the table in front.

  “Let me drink my coffee and talk with you for ten minutes, so I know you’re okay. Then I’ll be on my way.”

  “It’s not you, my lovely boy. I just need to rest.” She falls further into the chair, resting her weary head against the back of the seat.

  “Sure, Ma. Whatever you want.” I lean in, kissing her gently on the forehead. Grabbing the blanket thrown over the back of her chair, I place it carefully across her lap. I sit with her in silence for a little while.
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  “Rest up, and I’ll be back tomorrow with some groceries for you,” I say, deciding now is the right time to leave. My mind is fucked up anyway.

  Because of Kailee.

  Against my better judgment, I followed her because I had to know where she was going. I hadn’t planned to go after her, but I just couldn’t help myself. I was worried about her. Worried about this girl I barely know but who I’m more attracted to than anyone I’ve ever laid my fucking eyes on.

  “You don’t have to,” Mom blurts out, snapping me from my inner thoughts.

  “I don’t have to,” I acknowledge with a nod. “I know, but I want to.”

  “You’re a sweet boy, Ryder. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.” She smiles at me, but her eyes look sad.

  “I’ll remind you of that when the police come knocking on your door again.”

  “Oh, don’t.” She chuckles. “Those assholes know not to come here looking for you two anymore.”

  “I’m glad,” I say with a smile. “I’ll make sure I lock the door for you on my way out. Call me if you need anything.”

  I nod and make my way out. Walking back around to the front of the house, I jump on my bike, and check my phone one last time before pulling on my helmet. Still no messages, no missed calls. Nothing.

  I’m determined to do something to take back control of this fucking situation. I rev the engine of my bike heavily, setting off at speed.

  Pulling up outside her friend’s house, I wait patiently for her to emerge. It has only been a few hours, but it feels like a fucking lifetime. My eyes roam the windows for some sign she’s still here. I step from my bike, removing my helmet and shaking out my ragged hair. I make my way to the front door, knocking loudly. I step back a little, looking into the downstairs windows to see if anyone is looking. Sure enough, my eyes land on Kailee as her mouth drops open and her eyes widen. A few short seconds later, a young brunette answers the door.

  “Can I help you?” she asks, swallowing nervously as her eyes focus on my neck tattoos.

  “Not really,” I dismiss. “I’m here for Kailee. I was passing through, so thought I’d stop by to make sure she gets home okay.”

  “Oh,” she says, her mouth tucked into her teeth as she turns and signals for Kailee to come to the door.

  Kailee appears in front of me, nervously twirling her hair between her fingers. Her eyes falling to the floor. “I said I could make my own way,” she whisper-shouts at me, her mouth barely making any movement.

  “I was passing. I’ll wait outside. Grab your stuff,” I instruct, turning away and heading back to my parked bike. I lean against it, waiting for her to emerge. Sure enough, within a few minutes, she steps out of the front door and makes her way to me. I stand from the bike, fighting back the smile I can feel forcing its way to the surface. I clear my throat, trying to act cool, when inside my whole body is like a damn inferno. The blood pumps so fucking hard, I can feel it in every part of my body.

  “Thank you,” she says, taking the helmet I hold out to her. “But… this was not necessary. In fact, I’m pretty sure I told you I could make my own way back.”

  “And I said to call me. End of.”

  “No, that’s not the end of it,” she says, narrowing her eyes at me. “What’s really going on here?”

  “I’m offering you a ride home,” I say, pulling my lips to the side as my mind rattles with confusion.

  “It can’t be just that. Why have you, a guy I barely know, felt the need to keep tabs on me all day, being all alpha and bossy and trying to tell me what to do?” Her words come out clumsily, and her face grows red as she flusters on the spot in front of me.

  “You’re reading waaayyy too much into this, princess. I’m giving you a lift, that’s all. So be thankful and get on the fucking bike.”

  She turns to look at her friend standing on the doorstep before shrugging her shoulders and sitting on the rear part of the seat. I nod in acknowledgment, sliding on in front of her. Within seconds, she’s clasping me, holding on so tightly, her accelerated breaths reverberate through my back. I set off, my pace slower than I would drive if I was alone, taking the longest route possible back to the trailer park. A lame way of having her on my bike for as long as I possibly can.

  Pulling up outside in the small space in front of Eric’s trailer, I dismount, holding out my hand to her. As I take it, I feel her trembling.

  I don’t want to fucking let go. I want to claim her. Take her as mine, here and now.

  “You’ll learn to love it,” I say, cocking my head to the side as I watch her slide off her helmet.

  “It has to be said it’s not my favorite mode of transportation.” She lets out a shaky breath as if she’s been holding it in for some time.

  “Better learn to drive then, princess. Being stuck here means you’ll need to get around somehow.”

  “I can drive,” she corrects me. “My dad just couldn’t afford to buy me a car after Mom died.”

  I reach into the pocket of my jacket, retrieving my pack of cigarettes. I need one to calm myself; the nicotine always calms my nerves. I light up, taking a huge drag for the much-needed hit.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, blowing out the smoke. “That can’t have been easy for you.”

  “Still isn’t,” she says, shuffling her feet against the damp ground and kicking it up. I can see how uncomfortable she is talking about this.

  “It’s a fucked-up kinda world, kid. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but I can’t make that sort of promise.”

  “No kidding.” She lets out a nervous puff of laughter before turning and making her way over to Eric’s trailer. She stops suddenly, turning her head to look back at me. “Thank you.” She smiles before she continues her way inside the trailer.

  “Anytime,” I holler, my eyes never leaving her until she’s out of sight.

  I can see that my brother’s car is parked just to the right. Flicking my cigarette butt to the ground, I make my way inside my trailer.

  Jax

  She’s back. Finally. I had no idea she’d be going out today, and seeing her on the back of my brother’s ride pisses me off.

  “Hey, I was worried about you. You didn’t say you had plans today.”

  “Not you as well,” she says, rolling her eyes. “What is it with you and your brother?”

  I pull my brows together in confusion. “What does that mean,” I ask with a scoff.

  “All I wanted to do was see my friend. You know, among all this chaos, I just needed someone to talk to,” she says, throwing her arms in the air.

  “That’s understandable,” I say with a slight smile. I can tell she’s not happy, and that’s the last thing I want for her.

  Her eyes narrow on me. “I don’t need you or your bossy ass brother keeping tabs on me.”

  I walk up to her, resting my arm on her shoulder.

  “Please don’t feel like that’s why I was asking. I was just concerned. You don’t know the area, and I can’t help but worry about you.”

  “Well, there’s no need. Honestly,” she bites. I step back and turn to Eric’s eyes fixed on us. I walk over to him, sitting beside him on the small couch. Hell, if she wants space, then that’s exactly what she’ll get. She doesn’t say any more. She storms off, heading to her room.

  “Sassy little minx, ain’t she?” Eric whispers with a chuckle. “She needs to snap out of it,” he says with a flick of his head in her direction.

  “Shitty fucking situation for her. I’m not surprised she’s acting like a brat.”

  “I don’t give a fuck what’s happened or to who. That’s not my concern. You need to right this, Jax. You need to get her on our side,” he says, sliding up from the seat. Pulling a cigarette out of the packet, he holds it between his lips.

  After the day from hell, this whole bullshit with this girl was the last thing I need. I step up from my seat, making my way out of the trailer. I pass Eric on the step, giving him a nod, and walk back to my own trai
ler. As soon as I step through the door, I hear music playing, and the whole trailer is full of smoke.

  “Jesus, Ryder, it’s like being home with Mom,” I snipe, trying to clear the smoke in front of my face. “And you know how I hated that,” I say, widening my eyes.

  “You know what happened wasn’t Mom’s fault. She had nothing to do with the way Dad was with us.”

  “No, but she did nothing to stop him from beating the fucking shit out of us when he was drunk. Did she?” I roar back at him, blood thudding through my body as the rage ensues.

  “What could she have done?” he yells, jumping out of his seat. He stomps toward me, stopping just in front of me. I look down and can see his fucking clenched fist. I rarely say anything against Mom, but I’m sick of tiptoeing around the truth, around the real reasons why I will never have a relationship with her. The one person supposed to protect us—to care for us no matter what—didn’t. She failed miserably at being a good mom. We were just two; innocent young boys who had no one fighting in their corner.

  “What exactly do you think Mom could have done, huh, Jax? Do you think that tiny woman would be able to defend us against our father? He was huge in comparison. You know that.”

  He was right; my pathetic excuse for a father was a big guy who fought in underground boxing fights. But I don’t buy it.

  “There are a thousand things she could have done, but she didn’t. She just stood back and watched it all happen. That’s not something I can ever forgive.”

  “I think your mind is seriously fucking warped, bro. Do you not remember how good she was to us, how well she looked after us?” I can see he’s getting angry with me, and I know I’m going to have to drop it. I would never win this argument with Ryder, and a fight with him is the last thing I want. Despite being identical and similar in stature, Ryder is a much better fighter, and in all honesty, I’d stand no fucking chance against him.