by Geoff Rodkey
CLAUDIA
I will admit that even though it’s not my kind of humor, the first time I saw Reese’s Blurt, I laughed out loud. It was one of those involuntary-laugh situations. Like when you’re watching a movie and a cute little girl kicks a big huge guy in the crotch. You don’t WANT to laugh. But you do.
REESE
I’d never posted anything on Blurt before. I’d just watched stuff. So I didn’t have any Blurt followers except Xander and Wyatt. And by the time Mom got home that night and made me turn off my computer, my Blurt only had, like, 50 Blips.
But then Xander tagged a bunch of our friends in the comments to get them to check it out.
@XIzKillinIt CHECK IT @numbah_tehn @Wenzamura @nightstaker @bryce_thompson @shabado02 @AidanTheGrif
So when I got up the next morning and checked Blurt, I had 600 Blips! And 10 new followers!
And when I got to the cafeteria before school started, practically the whole sixth grade was watching it.
CLAUDIA
Kids were all crowding around each other’s phones, watching Reese’s Blurt and laughing their heads off.
And I am going to be completely honest: it was annoying to me.
Because everybody was MUCH more excited about some two-second thing Reese had put zero thought into than they ever were about “Windmill.” Which I had not only spent WEEKS trying to get people to listen to… but actually took me YEARS of hard work, if you count all the time I spent getting better at guitar and learning how to write songs before I could come up with something really good.
It just did not seem fair at all.
But I never, EVER would’ve made a big deal about it if stupid Athena Cohen hadn’t opened her mouth.
CHAPTER 6
NEVER GAMBLE WITH A FEMBOT
CLAUDIA
Athena rules the Fembots Ed. Note: Fembots are: -Athena -Clarissa Parker -Ling Chen -Meredith Timms + 5-8 wannabes by fear. She tries to rule the rest of the sixth grade that way, too, but most kids don’t buy into it. Although enough of them do that Athena THINKS she rules the whole grade.
And she can smell weakness like a shark can smell blood. Whenever somebody’s feeling sad, or small, or spun out, Athena notices. Then she attacks them.
This is pretty much what she did to me in the cafeteria that morning.
SOPHIE
You were just sitting there, minding your own business. And all of a sudden, Athena was like, “EVERYBODY LOOK AT CLAUDIA! SHE’S SOOOO UPSET!”
CLAUDIA
For the record, I was NOT “upset” about how much attention Reese’s Blurt was getting. I was “annoyed.” Which is totally different.
But when Athena yelled that, everybody stopped watching the Blurt and started watching ME. And Athena said something like, “You BEGGED people for WEEKS to watch your lame video… and in five seconds, Reese made something A HUNDRED TIMES as popular! AHAHAHAHAHA!”
Which was ridiculous. Because my most popular Blurt had gotten over 2,000 Blips. And at that point, Reese’s MetaWorld Blurt still only had 600.
REESE
It was actually more like 1,000 by then. It was going up pretty fast.
CLAUDIA
Whatever. The point is, I was NOT upset… until Athena tried to humiliate me in front of everybody. And even then I didn’t get upset. I got ANGRY.
I actually got so angry I couldn’t think straight. So instead of just laughing at Athena—which is what I SHOULD have done—I took the bait. I can’t remember exactly what I said—
SOPHIE
It was something like, “Oh, please! My songs are going to be around a LOT longer than Reese’s stupid Blurt.”
CLAUDIA
I definitely should not have said that. Because I wasn’t even mad at Reese! I was mad at Athena! But then it somehow turned into this whole me-against-my-brother situation, and EVERYBODY got involved—the Fembots, Reese’s friends, my friends—everybody.
CARMEN
We were trying to stick up for you! That’s the only reason Parvati mentioned Blurt followers.
PARVATI
I was like, “Claudia’s got two hundred Blurt followers, and Reese only has ten! That makes her two hundred times more popular than him!”
I got the math wrong, but whatever.
REESE
I didn’t even want to get involved. But when Parvati was all, “You only have ten followers!” I said, “No way! I got twenty! That’s, like, ten more than I had an hour ago!”
SOPHIE
Then Clarissa Ed. Note: (Fembot vice-dictator) Parker was all, “I’d bet a thousand dollars Reese ends up with more followers than Claudia.”
And Athena heard that and just ran with it.
CLAUDIA
Before I knew it, Athena was all up in my face, sticking her hand out and going, “Bet me! A thousand dollars! Or do you want to just admit you’re a LOSER?”
EVERYBODY was watching us. And all I could think was, “There is NO WAY I am letting Athena bully me in front of everybody.”
But I also didn’t have a thousand dollars. I didn’t even have ten dollars. Ed. Note: Mom + Dad don’t give me or Reese allowance, which is v. unfair
CARMEN
Of course not! Nobody has that kind of money except Athena. But your comeback was SO great.
CLAUDIA
I can’t remember my exact words. But they were something like, “I’m sorry, Athena. I’m just not rich and spoiled enough to waste a thousand dollars of my daddy’s money on a totally pointless bet. And if I DID have a thousand dollars? I’d use it to make the world a better place. I wouldn’t throw it in people’s faces like you do.”
REESE
Athena was ripped when you said that. People were all, “WHOOOO! BURRRRN!” Ed. Note: Reese actually v. supportive of me against Athena, which was cool of him
CLAUDIA
Then Athena said something like, “My bad—I TOTALLY forgot you’re poor!” But nobody laughed except a couple of Fembots.
After that, she was quiet for a second. But you could practically see the evil little wheels turning in her evil little brain.
And then she said, “Fine. You don’t have to bet a dime. If you win, I’ll give you a thousand dollars to make your little world a better place.
“But if I win… you have to post a Blurt saying, ‘I’M CLAUDIA TAPPER, AND I’M THE LAMEST, STUPIDEST, MOST BASIC [PERSON] Ed. Note: had to edit this b/c Athena’s language was NOT appropriate WHO EVER LIVED.’”
REESE
Everybody was like, “YEAH! DO IT, CLAUDIA! TAKE THE BET!”
I was cheering for it, and I couldn’t even remember what the bet was.
CLAUDIA
At that point, I couldn’t remember what it was, either. I just knew I couldn’t let Athena win.
SOPHIE
You were like, “What are we even betting on here?” And Athena said, “Whether Reese ends up with more Blurt followers than you.”
Then you guys argued for a while about how long the bet should last, and what the rules should be, and stuff like that.
And then before you shook on it, Athena made Toby type the whole thing up.
CLAUDIA
Here is the exact bet that Toby Zimmerman sent to everybody right after Athena and I shook hands on it in front of the whole sixth grade:
CLAUDIA
It’s very important to understand that when I made that bet with Athena, it did NOT seem like the dumbest thing I’d ever done in my life.
REESE
It totally didn’t! ’Cause it was me against you—except I wanted you to win! So even though I had to swear I wouldn’t help you, it’s not like I was going to help Athena.
CLAUDIA
Also, when Athena and I shook hands on it in front of everybody, I was CRUSHING Reese in Blurt followers. I had 208. And Reese only had 23.
REESE
Right! So it didn’t seem like the dumbest thing you’d ever done until at least a couple hours later.
CHAPTER 7
CLAUDIA
In math class, Ms. Santiago taught us about something called “exponential growth.” Basically, when something grows exponentially, at first it seems like it’s only growing KIND OF fast… then it starts growing REALLY fast… and then it basically skyrockets into outer space.
This is pretty much what happened with Reese’s Blurt. By noon that day, he was up to 5,000 Blips and 45 followers.
Which was a LOT more than he’d had when I made the bet with Athena. So the Fembots taunted me about it all through lunch.
SOPHIE
They were SO annoying. Ling Chen made up some song like, “You’re soooo doooooomed.…” Ed. Note: to the tune of “You’re So Vain” (which I’d never heard before) (it’s not a bad song) (except now it reminds me of Fembots) (so I hate it) And then all the Fembots kept singing it over and over.
REESE
All my friends at lunch were like, “Dude, you’re blowing up!”
And Xander was all, “Half dem followers iz MINE, yo!”
XANDER
I wuz ROBBED! You done recorded that clip from MY account, yo! You couldn’ta done it without me!
WYATT
What about me? It was my avatar Reese jumped on!
XANDER
Step off, Y-Train. Ed. Note: Xander’s nickname for Wyatt You wuz just meat. We coulda Hulk-smashed any fool.
REESE
I felt like Xander had a point. I mean, we’d built the whole tower together. And I couldn’t have made the Blurt without him.
But it’s not like you can just give somebody half your followers. So instead, I told him if he wanted, we could be a team. And the next time we did a Blurt, we’d post it from his account, so he’d get followers, too.
Plus, if I didn’t post any more stuff on my own account, it’d be easier for you Ed. Note: (that is, me) (Claudia) to win the bet.
CLAUDIA
I was hoping Reese’s numbers would tail off after lunch, but the opposite happened. By the time school ended, he was up to 8,000 Blips and 65 followers.
Which was terrifying.
REESE
On the bus home, you were like, “Reese, you HAVE to stop people from following you!”
But I was like, “I can’t! If I set my account to private, Athena will see it and you’ll automatically lose!” And there was basically no other way to stop people from following me.
Besides, I was psyched. I was getting Reblurts every minute! From people I didn’t even know!
CLAUDIA
Reese was 10% worried for me that I’d lose the bet with Athena and 90% thrilled that his Blurt was getting so much attention.
And I was 10% happy for him, 5% annoyed that something so stupid was that popular, and 85% FREAKING THE HECK OUT that I was going to lose the bet and have to post a completely humiliating Blurt of myself.
It already seemed like there was a very good chance Reese would end up with more than 208 followers. Which meant I was going to have to do a LOT more Blurting to boost my followers.
So as soon as I got home, I asked our after-school sitter, Ashley, to help me decide which of my songs I should release as a follow-up to “Windmill.”
Ashley majored in Musical Theater when she was in college, which is why she was an excellent person to ask for musical advice. It’s also why she’s still our after-school sitter even though she’s twenty-five years old and has a college degree.
ASHLEY O’ROURKE, after-school sitter
Claude, can you do me a solid and write in your book that if anybody who reads it is a theater, film, TV, or webisode producer, they should check out my reel on MeVid and/or come to my upcoming showcase at the People’s Republic of Dance in Chelsea?
CLAUDIA
Absolutely, Ash. You’re going to be a star someday! Your one-woman show was AMAZING.
ASHLEY
Thanks, Claude! Also, please tell people I’m available mornings and weekends for babysitting. I’m good with all ages! Especially babies. I’m like a ninja at getting them to nap.
CLAUDIA
Back to the story: I was in my bedroom with Ashley, playing one of my songs for her, when we heard the screams coming from Reese’s room. Ed. Note: “Deleted (aka The Swipe Left Song)”
REESE
BewBewBoy’s the most famous MetaWorlder ever. I’ve been watching his videos since I was ten. He’s got, like, thirty million followers on MeVid. And twenty million on Blurt.
AND HE REBLURTED ME!!! TO TWENTY MILLION PEOPLE!!!
And THAT’S when everything went insta-cray.
ASHLEY
Reese was screaming so loud, I thought he’d chopped his finger off or something.
And as his caregiver, that DEFINITELY would’ve been on me.
So I ran to his bedroom. And it turned out he was screaming because he’d just gotten 100,000 Blips in ten seconds.
CLAUDIA
I’m not personally responsible if Reese chops his fingers off, so I was a little slower to get up than Ashley was. And in the five extra seconds it took me to get to Reese’s room, he got another 50,000 Blips.
He was staring at the Blip counter on his page and screaming “THIS IS AMAZING!” and “AAAAAAAHHH!!!” over and over again.
REESE
It was NUTS!!!! I was getting, like, ten thousand Blips a second!
CLAUDIA
He was also getting a couple of new followers every second. Which, if you do the math, meant that every two minutes, he was adding as many followers as I had in my whole account.
I was not actually doing the math just then. Because I was too busy having a panic attack on the living room couch.
At least, I think it was a panic attack. My heart was going “THUMP-THUMP-THUMP-THUMP-THUMP,” and I couldn’t breathe, and I thought I was going to pass out.
ASHLEY
The whole situation was super stressful. I was trying to get you to lie on the couch and breathe into a paper bag, AND I was trying to get Reese to quit screaming, AND I was trying to make dinner and fold the laundry. Ed. Note: Ashley not good at multi-tasking
CLAUDIA
The paper bag was very helpful. But only because it was SO TOTALLY USELESS that I used my phone to google “paper bag breathe panic attack” so I could try to figure out why anybody would EVER think that’d be helpful.
And reading about panic attacks online distracted me from my actual panic attack long enough that I eventually settled down.
Reese, however, did NOT settle down. He pretty much only stopped screaming long enough to text Mom and Dad when he hit 1,000,000 Blips.
REESE AND MOM/DAD (Text messages copied from Reese’s phone)
ZOMG BEWBEWBOY RBD ME N I GOT A MILLION BLIPS!!!
THIS IS CRAY!!!
D That’s great, buddy!
D Now tell us what it means
I BLURTED A CLIP AND ITS BLOWING UP HUGE!!!
M How long have you had a Blurt account?
IDK
SINCE SEPT?
D What’s a Blurt?
M Don’t you have to be 13?
NO ITS COOL I JUST USED A FAKE BIRTHDAY
M NOT COOL REESE. We may have to delete yr account
MOM U CANT DELETE IT!!!!!
EVERYBODY FAKES THEIR BDAY ONLINE
M We will discuss when I get home
D I have no idea what you two are talking about
SRSLY I HAVE 1000 FOLLOWERS!!! AND A MILLON BLIPS
D Can someone tell me what a Blip is???
U CANT DELETE I AM FAMUOS!!!!
M What’s your username?
SKRONKMONSTER
D Are Blips and Blurts different things? Or same?
M I’ll be home at 8:00. We’ll discuss then
SRSLY MOM PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE U CANT DELETE IT THIS IS THE GRATEST THING THAT EVER HAPEND TO ME
D Can someone please explain what’s going on???
ASK MOM
D Honey? Little help here?
M Running into m
tg. Will explain later. Pls pick up salmon for dinner
CLAUDIA
By the time Mom got home from work, Reese had almost 5,000,000 Blips and over 5,000 followers.
Which was so huge that Mom couldn’t bring herself to make Reese delete his account even though he’d lied about his age to create it. (Which, tbh, pretty much everybody does. So if you ask me, Mom was overreacting.)