by Geoff Rodkey
But she did get herself a Blurt account so she could keep an eye on us.
MOM AND DAD (text messages)
This is completely insane. Reese has 5M Blips! http://www.blurt.com…
Still no idea what that is
Click the link
It says I need to register
Can I use your login?
Seriously, Eric?
Just come home and watch it here
I am starving and both kids have lost their minds. Claudia in tears about some kind of bet and Reese won’t stop running around screaming
REESE
I was crazy amped. I couldn’t even sleep that night. ’Cause I was FAMOUS!
CLAUDIA
I couldn’t sleep, either. ’Cause I was DOOMED. At the rate my “Windmill” Blurts had gotten me followers, if I wanted to catch up to Reese, I was going to have to write, record, and shoot videos for 1,000 songs.
And by the next morning, it was more like 2,000 songs.
CHAPTER 8
THE KING OF THE CAFETERIA
CLAUDIA
By the time he walked into school on Friday morning, Reese had over 10,000,000 Blips and 12,000 Blurt followers. And the whole middle school was drooling over him like he was some kind of actual celebrity.
Hunter and Bryce practically tackled him on the way in. They were going, “Have you hung out with BewBewBoy?” And, “What’s he like in person?”
Which was ridiculous. Because all BewBewBoy had done was Reblurt Reese. And he lives in Finland.
Then Natasha Minello ran up and asked Reese if he could get Austin Flick’s phone number for her. Which was even MORE ridiculous. Because even though Austin Flick had Reblurted him, Reese had no clue who he even was. Ed. Note: tons of Blurt stars RB’d Reese after BewBewBoy
REESE
When I got to the cafeteria, a bunch of girls were like, “Are you going to BlurtUp? Can you hook us up with Joey and Joey?” Ed. Note: should be “Cody and Cody” (Reese even more clueless than me re Blurt stars)
And I was like, “I do NOT know what you’re talking about.”
But then Xander was all, “HECKS TO THE YEAH, WE GOIN’ TO DAT BLURTUP! WE GONNA BE MAIN STAGE, LADIES!!!”
CLAUDIA
BlurtUp is like a music festival, except with Blurt stars instead of rock stars. It was happening a week from that Saturday in the parking lot at Citi Field.
I knew this because it was all Parvati had been talking about for WEEKS.
PARVATI
OMG, ALL my fave Blurters were going to be there! Tyler, Marcel, Austin, Luke, Jimmy, Gina G, Wasted Wendy, Cody and Cody—
CLAUDIA
And Reese and Xander!
Except not. Because even though Xander told all the girls in the cafeteria he and Reese were going to be at BlurtUp, the only way that was going to happen was if they bought a ticket. Reese’s 12,000 followers might be a ton for Culvert Prep, but it was still basically nothing compared to the millions of followers that actual Blurt stars have.
And Xander had no followers.
Literally, none. Not even Reese was following him.
XANDER
Cuz I’d just relaunched, yo! To hype dat Skronkmonsta brand!
REESE
My screen name’s always been “Skronkmonster.” Not just on Blurt, but everywhere. And Xander’s always been “XIzKillinIt.”
But after we decided to be a team, and my Blurt got 10,000,000 Blips, Xander changed HIS Blurt name to “Skronkmonster_X.”
He got pretty ripped when Akash asked him if that meant we were married.
AKASH
I said, “So, if you’re taking Reese’s name… are you also planning to stay home full time with the little baby Skronkmonsters?”
XANDER
Not funny, yo. NOT. FUNNY.
AKASH
Actually, it was. I seem to recall a cafeteria full of people laughing at you. Ed. Note: (Akash also not a fan of Xander)
CLAUDIA
For the record, when Reese had told me on the way to school that he and Xander were going to team up and try to become Blurt stars like BewBewBoy or Cody and Cody, I warned him it was a terrible idea. And not just because it meant he’d be breaking his promise not to post any more Blurts until my bet with Athena was over.
REESE
I HAD to keep posting! ’Cause, like, no offense? But there was no way you were going to win that bet. And now that I’d blown up huge, Xander had all these ideas for how we were going to turn pro and make a ton of money doing Blurts!
CLAUDIA
Like what ideas?
REESE
Well, he didn’t have them YET. It’s more like he had ideas for ideas.
And it was totally possible! BewBewBoy makes a million dollars a week! Ed. Note: not true (b/c BewBewBoy is Finnish) (so he makes a million euros) (not dollars)
AKASH
BewBewBoy actually does rake a ton of cash. But mostly on MeVid. Because Blurt doesn’t have advertising—so the only thing 10,000,000 Blips gets you is bragging rights. To turn the Blips into money, you have to be smart.
And that pretty much disqualified Xander and your brother.
CLAUDIA
While Reese was getting drooled over by half the school and dreaming about becoming a professional Blurter, I was hiding out in the school library to avoid the Fembots. Specifically, I was in the reference aisle. It’s a perfect place to hide out because nobody ever goes there.
PARVATI
I didn’t even know the reference aisle existed. It’s, like, this secret part of the library. Like Narnia.
CLAUDIA
The reference aisle is also far enough from Mr. Finch’s spot at the circulation desk that Parvati, Sophie, and I could talk quietly without getting in trouble. And I desperately needed to talk through how I was going to get out of my bet with Athena.
I’d decided Reese was right—there was no way I could win. But since the whole sixth grade had watched me make the bet, I also couldn’t back out of it without major humiliation.
And that’d not only be incredibly embarrassing, it might even destroy my political career. Ed. Note: (I am 6th grade class president) (for totally insane election story, check out THE TAPPER TWINS RUN FOR PRESIDENT)
SOPHIE
I could definitely see people making it an issue in your re-election campaign.
But posting a Blurt where you call yourself lame and stupid would ALSO be a campaign issue.
CLAUDIA
I thought I might be able to find a loophole in the contract. Like if I recorded myself saying, “I’M THE LAMEST, STUPIDEST…” etc., while standing on the sidewalk next to a jackhammer so nobody could hear the words.
SOPHIE
Bad idea. Campaign issue.
PARVATI
I thought you were giving up WAY too easily. You’re an AMAZING singer-songwriter! And you had two whole weeks to become a Blurt star!
It’s like Marcel Mourlot says: “Eef Ed. Note: (Parvati imitating Marcel’s French accent) zhou can dream eet, zhou can BE EET!”
You just had to do what Reese did—get a famous Blurter to Reblurt you! Like Marcel! He has thirty million followers! AND he was going to be at BlurtUp!
All you had to do was go to BlurtUp, meet Marcel, and ask him to Reblurt you! It was a total no-brainer.
CLAUDIA
It was NOT a no-brainer. Because when I went online to look for tickets, I found out the only way to actually meet any of the Blurt stars in person was to buy a “VIP Platinum” ticket with a “Meet and Greet” option. Which cost $500. Which I DEFINITELY DID NOT HAVE. And even if I did, they were sold out.
PARVATI
I just had a regular $30 ticket myself. But I’d decided I was going to camp out overnight and be the first person in line. So when Tyler Purdy flew overhead in his helicopter, he’d see me and realize I was his absolutely biggest fangirl ever. And he’d pull me out of the line and take me backstage and feed me strawberries for lunch.
SO
PHIE
How did you know he was coming by helicopter?
PARVATI
I didn’t. I also wasn’t sure about the strawberries. But that’s how I wrote it in my fanfic. Ed. Note: FANFIC = fan fiction = made-up stories about non-made-up people (and/or characters in books/movies/TV) And “EEF ZHOU CAN DREAM EEET, ZHOU CAN BE EET!”
CLAUDIA
We didn’t exactly solve my problem in the library that morning. And even though I waited until the last possible second to go to my locker, when I came down the hall, Athena and the Fembots were waiting for me like vultures.
When they saw me, they all started singing, “YOU’RE SOOO DOOOMED…!”
Then Athena yelled, “HEY, LOSER—want to just do your Blurt now and get it over with? I’ll record it for you!”
I yelled back, “I have two weeks, Athena!”
Then she yelled, “I know—it’s going to be SOOOO much fun watching you fail!” Then they all laughed their evil little heads off.
I was trying very hard not to cry as I opened my locker. And when I did, I found a note tucked inside by a mysterious stranger.
CHAPTER 9
THE MYSTERIOUS CHUPACABRA
CLAUDIA
My first feeling when I saw the letter was “hopeful.”
My second feeling was “suspicious.” Because I thought it might just be the Fembots messing with my head.
But then Carmen told me “El Chupacabra” Ed. Note: “Chupacabra” = “goat-sucker” was some kind of mythical vampire-type creature in Mexico who sucks the blood out of goats. And even though I could totally imagine the Fembots as vampires feasting on Mexican farm animals, it didn’t seem like a nickname they’d give themselves. Even if they were just trying to mess with my head.
Plus, I was desperate. So I decided to take a chance and meet whoever had written the note. But since the whole thing was very creepy, even though it said to come alone, I took Parvati and Carmen with me.
SOPHIE
I would’ve had your back, too. But I had ballet after school.
CLAUDIA
No worries, Sophie. I know how hard you’ve been working on your grand jeté.
The note said to meet at Wagner Cove, which is this tucked-away spot in a corner of the Central Park rowboat pond with a little gazebo where teenagers go to make out.
Before the three of us took the little path down to the cove, we all got out our house keys and held them in our fists with the points sticking out in case we got attacked.
PARVATI
I was totally ready to take down anybody who messed with us. But when we got to the gazebo, there was nobody there.
CARMEN
I was thinking, “Maybe it was just a joke after all.”
Then from behind us, this deep, growly, fake voice Ed. Note: like when Batman talks in the movies went, “I told you to come alone!”
CLAUDIA
At first, the voice completely freaked us out.
But then we turned around and realized it was James Mantolini.
Which made total sense. James is easily the strangest person I know. So calling himself “Chupacabra” and making us meet him in secret was probably only about the third-weirdest thing he’d done that day.
James also gets in more trouble than anybody else in the sixth grade. In fact, the whole reason we had to meet in secret was because he was in trouble with the law.
And by “law,” I mean “Vice Principal Bevan.”
JAMES MANTOLINI, professional troublemaker
I’m technically banned from using the Internet until the end of the school year. If I get caught going online for anything but schoolwork, I’ll get expelled.
So if I was going to help you, it had to be on the serious down low.
CLAUDIA
How did you get banned from the Internet?
JAMES
Part of the agreement between my parents and the school is that I can’t discuss it. But let’s just say Vice Principal Bevan’s MUCH more aware of the importance of strong password protection than she used to be. Especially on her online dating profile.
PARVATI
Vice Principal Bevan has an online dating profile?
JAMES
No comment. I’ve said too much already.
CLAUDIA
Considering the risk he was running, I didn’t really understand at first why James was willing to help me.
JAMES
Two reasons: I don’t like Fembots, and there was money involved.
CLAUDIA
James said if I won the bet, he wanted half of Athena’s $1,000. I was totally fine with that. But at first, I was a little doubtful he had the skills to get me to 20,000 Ed. Note: Reese had gotten 8,000 MORE FOLLOWERS just since breakfast Blurt followers.
JAMES
Then I told you about my “Inappropriate Cockroach” meme.
CLAUDIA
I’d never heard of “Inappropriate Cockroach.” But when I googled it, I got a million hits.
JAMES
I created that meme. You know how many hits “Inappropriate Cockroach” got before I started it? Six.
CARMEN
I call nonsense. There’s no way you created that meme, James.
PARVATI
I don’t believe it, either.
JAMES
It’s not necessary for you to believe me. In my heart, I know the truth.
CLAUDIA
I was too desperate to care if James was lying. So I told him he was hired. Then I asked him what the next step was.
JAMES
I said, “First of all, forget trying to make your music videos happen. Only three kinds of content go viral on Blurt: stupidity, violence, and cute boys.”
CLAUDIA
I said, “Well, I’m definitely not a cute boy. And I’m not into violence. But I guess I could try to do something stupid—”
JAMES
I said, “No, no, no. We’re not taking any chances here. You gotta do all three. At the same time.”
Because if you could come up with Blurts that were stupid, violent, AND had a cute boy in them? You’d CRUSH it.
CLAUDIA
Doing all three at once seemed impossible. But James told me to take it one step at a time. The first thing I needed was a cute boy who’d be willing to star in my Blurts.
PARVATI
I suggested Reese. Because tbh? He’s pretty cute.
CLAUDIA
That just seemed wrong. And also kind of eeew. Plus, the rules of the bet were that Reese couldn’t help me. So if he showed up in my Blurts, Athena’d say I cheated.
CARMEN
Then I suggested Jens. Because he’s not only totally cute, but he owed you big time for breaking your heart. AND he felt bad about it, so you could probably talk him into helping you.
CLAUDIA
This was true. Ever since our breakup, Jens had been trying to get us to be friends again. But even though I was mostly over him, I still thought we should take a break from talking to each other for a while. Like maybe ten years. Or more.
When James found out Jens and I broke up, he said, “Are you really mad at him?”
I said, “Kind of.”
JAMES
So I said, “Are you mad enough to hit him over the head with a baseball bat?”
CLAUDIA
And I said, “A REAL baseball bat? No. I am a peaceful person.”
JAMES
Then I said, “What if it was a fake one? Like a Wiffle bat?”
CLAUDIA
I said, “I guess that’d be fine.”
JAMES
So that took care of the violence and the cute boy. Then we just needed some stupid to put it over the top.
CLAUDIA
We went through a ton of bad ideas Ed. Note: OTHER BAD IDEAS: -clown shoes-funny hat -bad singing -monkey noises -etc. for “stupid” before I remembered the Flubby costume. Ashley’s boyfriend, Andy, majored in Musical Theater just like Ashley. So professionally speaking, he’s mostl
y a waiter. But lately, he’s also been working as a Times Square cartoon character.