How to Make Time for Me

by Fiona Perrin

  He looked tired and apprehensive. His gorgeousness wasn’t immediately apparent. But he came striding forward and grabbed my hands. ‘Cal, we’re going to sort this.’ He said it with absolute conviction and looked into my eyes until I felt a blush rush up my face. Then he smiled round at everyone else, kept holding my hands and said, ‘Sunil. From the youth charity, Resilient, and Cal’s friend.’

  ‘Hey, Sunil,’ everyone said.

  Marv was clearly fascinated. He made his ‘OMG whooo-oooops’ face. I glowered at him.

  Patrick said, ‘Hey, Sunil,’ along with everyone else, but he took a step backwards. I remembered him seeing me simpering to Sunil in the street and how Sunil had made some sort of superior remark. It felt like weeks ago.

  Oh, God, what had I done? Kissing him when I had just got involved with Sunil. I stepped forward. ‘Sunil, you remember my friend Patrick,’ I said, then introduced Marv, Ajay and Abby.

  ‘Nice to see you again, mate,’ Patrick said with a broad but stiff grin.

  Sunil didn’t seem to notice any atmosphere, but Marv and the AAs all raised their eyebrows.

  It was then that Ralph and Petra came through the door from the hallway. At the sight of so many people gathered in my small kitchen, they froze. Petra looked tiny next to Ralph.

  ‘This is Wilf’s dad, Ralph, and his wife, Petra,’ I said flatly.

  ‘I’m so pleased to meet you all but wish it were not in such worrying circumstances,’ Petra squeaked.

  Abby was incapable of not saying the right thing in the right social circumstances, so she introduced everyone, ending with, ‘Patrick, a friend of Callie’s – and Sunil, also a friend, but also, did I hear that right? A local youth worker?’

  ‘That’s right,’ Sunil said.

  Perhaps Ralph was too tired to not say the first thing that came into his head. Perhaps he was just too worried. Or just too wrapped up in his own world.

  ‘Sunil?’ Ralph said. ‘So, you were here last night when…’

  ‘Last night?’ Lily asked, bewildered. ‘What? After the meeting?’

  I was standing next to Patrick, who was close to the back door. I felt him freeze.

  Marv looked both fascinated and horrified.

  ‘You were one of the last people, other than Callie, to see Wilf?’ Ralph was grasping at straws, desperate for information. Of course, at the same time he was also telling the rest of the room – including Patrick – that I’d been with Sunil last night when Wilf had done a runner.

  ‘Umm, yes, but…’ Sunil started.

  Daisy looked with horror at her sister, who was mouthing, ‘What, Mum…?’

  Patrick took a step backwards to the doorway.

  ‘Oh?’ That was when Petra realised quite what was going on and her face shone with spite. ‘So, you haven’t told your friends quite what happened? Calypso? Is this true? None of you know the reason why Wilf ran away from this house?’

  ‘Shut up,’ Ralph muttered as my face went the colour of an aubergine.

  ‘What’s going on, Mum?’ Daisy asked.

  ‘N-nothing,’ I stuttered. ‘Wilf came back unexpectedly last night, when I was having a drink with Sunil…’

  It was hard to miss the sharp intake of breath from Patrick, although Ajay did quite a good job of covering it up by also gasping in abject surprise.

  Sunil looked worried. ‘I was providing your mother with some support,’ he started, but Daisy’s face gradually went through disbelief to horror.

  ‘You mean…?’ Lily’s face went through the same emotions a few second later.

  ‘Yup,’ Daisy confirmed her sister’s thought process.

  ‘But I don’t get why,’ Lily went on very quietly, ‘that would…’ She meant drive Wilf away.

  ‘I’ll talk to you about it later,’ I said.

  But there was no stopping Petra. She even seemed to grow a couple of inches as she started to speak. ‘I think everyone needs to know the truth now, don’t they, Calypso?’

  ‘No.’ Ralph.

  ‘I think this is a private matter.’ Sunil.

  ‘Fuck.’ Marvin.

  ‘That Wilf ran away because he found you in bed with Sunil…’

  Collective gasp. Everyone.

  ‘You’re out of order.’ Patrick quietly and firmly in the direction of Petra. He didn’t look at me.

  ‘You were having sex with a man you had just met…’ she hissed as if she were accusing me of whoring my arse on the corner of the street in broad daylight.

  ‘That’s not true—’ Sunil started.

  ‘To be fair, Wilf wasn’t supposed to be coming home,’ Marv leapt in. ‘And Callie’s hardly promiscuous.’

  ‘Never gets any,’ Ajay added. ‘Ever.’

  ‘What’s her sexual history got to do with anything?’ Daisy shouted. ‘Men are always trying to slut-shame women. And—’ looking directly at Petra ‘—you’re a stupid cow.’

  ‘Daisy!’ I shrieked in horror.

  ‘She called me a stupid cow, babe,’ Petra said petulantly, as if she expected Ralph to do something to protect her honour.

  ‘Don’t call my wife a stupid cow, eh, Daisy?’ Ralph mumbled.

  ‘It’s all your fault,’ Daisy continued to both of them. ‘Making Wilf go and live in another country and breaking up our family…’

  Then everyone started shouting at once and, in the middle of it, Lily’s eyes met mine. ‘Look, it just happened, and Wilf came back and caught us, and he ran off,’ I pleaded.

  She said, into the mad chorus of voices, ‘Did he think that you weren’t around for him?’

  ‘I think so, but that wasn’t it at all…’ I said. ‘It was just a terrible accident of timing.’

  ‘Yeah, it’s not like you’re off shagging every day, Ma,’ Daisy said, before turning round and laying into Petra again. She was giving Daisy as good as she got, while Marvin threw in the odd jibe and Ralph stood back, his face a picture of horror.

  Sunil was also glued to the kitchen cupboards, every now and then saying weakly to Daisy, ‘Think peace and resolution, Daisy, peace and resolution.’ I thought I heard him say something about Mandela.

  That was when someone banged something really hard – a wooden surface, a door or a table – and said, ‘Will you all just shut up, please?’

  *

  It was Patrick. His face was the colour of a terracotta stone, a pulse going in his forehead. We all turned and faced him and suddenly the noise died, aside from the lone, shrill voice that was Petra, who was saying, ‘It’s time a good example was given to my stepson—’

  ‘Will you please be quiet?’ Patrick said with absolute authority and, though her mouth went up and down like a fish in an aquarium, she did fall silent. ‘Now, none of this is going to help get Wilf found, is it? I suggest you all stop arguing with each other and start behaving like worried responsible adults.’

  ‘Quite right,’ Sunil said. ‘Well said, man.’

  ‘We need a new plan,’ Marv came in.

  I walked towards Patrick, trying to express simultaneously thanks at what he’d done and horror at what he’d found out I’d done, with my eyes. I’m sorry.

  But it was much more than wanting him to understand and forgive me. In this chaos, I needed him. I pleaded silently but his face was stuck in an expression of sad resolve.

  ‘Right, I’ll leave you to it if there’s nothing we can do tonight,’ he said though. ‘I’m a few doors away if you need me.’ And he was gone.

  Sunil called, ‘Cheers for your input to the cause, brother,’ after him and Marv and the AAs raised their eyebrows again.

  *

  I felt beaten and moved back towards Lily, who was white. ‘Oh, when will Wilf be home?’ she wailed quietly to herself. I went and put my arms round her and took her up the stairs; Daisy followed with pizza.

  I pulled almost all of my lower lip into my mouth and bit hard, while I stared at the floor waiting for their judgement. I couldn’t work out whether Daisy was going to go apopl
ectic or Lily have another attack.

  But then Daisy started laughing in amazement: ‘OMG, Ma, that is JOKES! Seriously, like Sunil? You and Sunil?’

  ‘I wasn’t doing anything wrong,’ I said stiffly. It was hard enough talking to my daughters about the sex they were having or not having, let alone the sex I was having myself.

  ‘I mean, most of the girls think he’s a DILF, but people also thought he was gay and…’ Daisy was going on in wonder. ‘But we never thought… I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with you, but remember what you say to us about getting to know a man first and all that?’

  I nodded. Yes, I did say that. And both Daisy and Lily could do a fairly accurate impression of me saying, ‘Only sleep with men you love,’ when I’d had too much wine and became, as they put it, ‘lecturey’. ‘I’ve had two meetings with him since then,’ I said weakly. ‘And it was a bit of an attraction and…’

  ‘I said you were grafting on him the other day,’ Daisy continued with satisfaction. She still looked shocked though, as if it was just occurring to her that her ancient mother might still have an actual libido.

  ‘The point is that it was awful when Wilf walked in – right into my bedroom,’ I told her.

  ‘Like ewwwww. That was a bit gross.’ Daisy visibly shuddered.

  ‘Like ewwwww,’ Lily echoed.

  ‘Do you think he thought I might not have time for him any more? That I’ve moved on? What do you think?’ I was desperate for any answer that might make me understand his state of mind when he’d gone.

  Lily came closer. ‘Just in shock, I suppose’. She paused though and was thoughtful. ‘But Wilf run away? It’s just so unlike him.’

  We sat together for a while on her bed, all of us holding each other, but with none of us having any answers.

  25

  Encouraging Lily to get some sleep, her sister and I went back to the kitchen where Daisy immediately said, ‘All right, Sunil?’ in a lurid tone designed to make him blush. It did.

  Bodger got up lazily from under the table and circled him, then looked back at me as if to say, ‘It’s a crying shame,’ but I was used to my dog being my guilty conscience.

  Daisy continued her social media monitoring. ‘It’s had 3300 views on FB; loads of comments wishing him well; sixty-seven shares,’ she said. ‘The police mainly seem to be on Twitter. The guys at Seymour House are really going for it on Snapchat.’

  Ralph and Petra stood by the side of the kitchen bench, some distance between them. Petra stared resolutely forward, silent and seething.

  ‘Right,’ said Sunil and, in the absence of Patrick, we all looked at him for guidance. ‘I’m going to get as many people as I can together for tomorrow morning. We’ll have a rally and an organised search. Get some media attention.’

  ‘The police want Ralph and I to record an appeal at ten,’ I told him.

  ‘I’m his stepmother,’ Petra spat, and Ralph rounded on her.

  ‘Enough,’ he said with more firmness than I’d heard in years. She looked at him aghast.

  Marv said, ‘I’ll stick with Daisy on getting the message out there on social – it’s my day job.’

  ‘Shall I make a banner?’ Abby asked.

  Sunil looked at her appreciatively. ‘A banner would be just great.’ No wonder people would pick Abby over me in the face of a zombie apocalypse.

  He directed his next sentence at me. ‘So, we’ll gather at the youth centre and then we’ll march to the places that Wilf normally visits. We’ll give out flyers with his picture on it.’

  ‘I’ll make those too,’ Abby volunteered. ‘Ajay and I will do it now.’

  Sunil clapped his hands at her efficiency. ‘Now, the most important thing is that you get some sleep.’ It was the first caring thing he’d said to me. I tried to argue but the whole room – with the exception of Petra – chorused their approval.

  ‘We’re all going to take it in turns to stay up and keep an eye on the social media alerts,’ Marvin said, and the AAs nodded. ‘As soon as something happens, or we get even a twitch, we’ll wake you up.’

  ‘Where will you all sleep?’ I asked.

  ‘Sofa? Wilf’s bed? In with you? Don’t worry about us, we’ll make ourselves at home,’ Marv said.

  ‘And the police are on it?’ Sunil asked.

  I momentarily wished for Patrick’s cheerful lack of ego. Would I ever see him again, beyond a polite I’m so glad you got Wilf back text or a nod in the street while I put out the bins? He certainly wouldn’t pretend it was an accident to come out of his house at exactly the same time as I walked Bodger. I minded more than I’d thought I would.

  ‘I’ll call the police and then see if I can pass out.’

  ‘We’ll go back home.’ Petra stamped her foot as she spoke. Bodger growled at her as she went to the door and waited for Ralph to join her.

  ‘Hey you go,’ he said, with a distinct lack of ‘babe’. ‘I’m staying here and joining in the rota until we find my son.’

  *

  The police reassured me that they were doing everything they could to find Wilf and we should stick to the plan. I told them about Sunil’s idea of holding a rally the following morning.

  ‘We hope to have found him by then,’ the PC said. ‘But it can’t do any harm. Organised by that new bloke at the youth centre, you say?’

  ‘Sunil, yes.’

  ‘Good at getting himself on telly, him.’ The PC sniffed. ‘Well, if it helps to find the boy, it can’t do any harm.’

  I confirmed I’d be at the station in the morning with Ralph and clicked off. Then I lay on my side, the phone beside me, and willed my brain to quiet.

  *

  When I woke a few hours later, my first feeling was that I was still exhausted. It was still dark outside – the middle of the night, then. And Wilf, where was Wilf in this darkness? Tears started to wash down my face before I could stop them, and I let them continue until my pillow was soggy and a chorus of birds welcoming the early summer dawn could be heard from the garden.

  At 7 a.m. I texted Sunil confirming we would be at the centre after the police interview.

  He texted back:

  Media all lined up and ready to go. I still feel terrible about what happened.

  I decided I was not interested in how he felt.

  Then I texted Patrick.

  Rally planned for later if you can join us.

  I paused and then added:

  I would love your support. Thanks for everything.

  The reply was immediate, but it certainly didn’t have the friendliness of his previous messages.

  Fingers crossed that this will lead us to him quickly. I’ll be there later.

  I knew that once Wilf was found this would hurt. But right now, all I could think about was him.

  *

  Ralph was arguing down the phone in the garden while I got ready to go to the police station, eventually clicking ‘end call’ and leaning against the pear tree, where I’d lost it with Patrick yesterday, sighing and rolling a fag.

  ‘Perhaps he’s worked out quite who he’s married,’ Marv said, clicking the kettle for another coffee.

  ‘Cow. Total cow,’ Ajay and Abby chorused from the sofa.

  Ralph, grubby from lack of sleep and the same clothes, had started to take on more of the air of the man I’d lived with – a bit less shiny; a bit more hobo. I supposed I looked just as tired although Marv made me have a shower, put on a clean shirt and wear make-up. ‘It’s a good thing you’ve lost weight lately,’ he commented when I was ready. ‘Video puts a stone on, apparently.’

  The young day-shift PC was waiting for us at the station and quickly showed us into a small room, which was set up with a camera and sound-recording equipment. We sat behind a table side by side but apart, and an even younger PC gave us simple instructions about talking slowly and clearly.

  Ralph spoke first – a plea from the heart. ‘Wilf, we know you might hear this or see it online and all we want to say is com
e home, son. Please come home.’

  I kept it simple too. ‘Wilf, we love you, all of us – Daisy, Lily and me too – we are so worried about you and we would love it if you got in touch.’

  ‘And if anyone else is watching this who knows where Wilf is, please, please contact the police and tell them anything you know,’ Ralph added desperately. ‘Please come home, Wilf.’

  He doesn’t know where home is any more, Ralph. That’s the problem. I pleaded with my eyes and, finally, there was a flicker of understanding in his face.

  There was a long pause and then he added quietly, ‘And home is wherever you choose it to be, Wilf.’

  The policeman behind the camera looked up as if he was unsure whether to stop filming but Ralph stumbled on. ‘We need to talk about everything.’ The PC looked very confused. ‘And if you don’t want to go to Cape Town,’ Ralph eventually whispered straight into the camera, ‘then we’ll stay here, son.’

  *

  Afterwards, out on the pavement, Ralph leant against a wall and concentrated on opening a packet of Golden Virginia and pulling out a Rizla.

  I’d slumped in my chair as I’d heard him finally say that he wouldn’t take his son away, with a mixture of disbelief, exhaustion and relief. Ralph had refused to look at me, but when the camera had been switched off, he’d grasped my hand for a second. Then he’d let go and sunk back in his chair.

  ‘I think we’ll cut it at the bit where you say we need to talk about everything,’ the PC said. ‘Keep the bit about Cape Town for any follow-up we need to do. Now we’ll get on with this and put out a short clip on our social media feeds later.’

  Now I said to Ralph as he dexterously made a rollie, ‘Did you mean that? About not making him move?’

  He gave me a short smile. ‘I think he needs to know he has a choice.’

  I grimaced. ‘It’s right that he’s with you though. Now you’re better and all that.’

  Ralph looked up and gave a hollow laugh. ‘I’ve been a really crap dad, haven’t I?’