by Karis Walsh
“I don’t belong here, Tegan. We all know it. I got…” She hesitated, sniffing as if holding back tears. “I got a call from the hotel where I used to work. They fired my boss and want me to take her place. The pay is great, and the bad reputation I got there will go away. It’s a job I can do without killing myself trying to prepare for it or killing anyone else while performing it.”
Tegan stood up, as well. She had thought she was entering this relationship with Alana without any expectations, but she suddenly realized there was a traitorous, masochistic part of her heart that had thought maybe Alana would stay. She was never going to learn, was she? The strangest part of all this, though, was how genuinely happy she felt about Alana’s job offer. She couldn’t reconcile how much she wanted Alana to stay, how hurt she was by this sudden departure, and how much she wanted to celebrate Alana’s triumphant return to the hotel after being unfairly fired.
“I was coming by the clinic, Tegan. I was going to say good-bye.”
“It’s okay, Alana,” Tegan said, although it was anything but. “Congratulations on the new job.”
She started to leave, but Alana called her back. “Wait. That’s all?”
Tegan leaned against the door frame and crossed her arms. “You know I want you to stay, so telling you wouldn’t change your mind. If I thought there was a chance you’d have eventually decided to stay here with me for good, not just for the time being, then I’d fight for us. I’d help you work through what happened today.” Tegan paused, biting her lip hard to keep her eyes dry. “But you’re leaving sooner or later, and it will only be harder to face the longer we’re together, so it might as well be sooner.”
“The puppies. You and Chip will take care of them?”
Alana was crying now, but Tegan wouldn’t let herself. Later she would. Not now. She was tempted to tell Alana she wouldn’t take care of them. Pretend she would take them to the pound, just to make her stay. Instead she simply nodded and turned away.
Chapter Twenty
Tegan walked through the front door of the ranch three days later, trying desperately not to turn and look at Alana’s empty office as she walked toward Chip’s. She found him sitting at his desk, staring toward Alana’s office.
“We’re quite a pair, aren’t we?” Tegan gestured across the foyer with her head, and then sat in an empty chair.
He sighed and shook his head. “Yes, although I’ll bet it’s harder for you. I miss her because I enjoyed her company and she made my life easier. I’m assuming you have other, more profound reasons to want her here.”
Tegan nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She cleared her throat and tried to sound unaffected. “Maybe we were fools then, to care about her when it obviously wasn’t returned.”
He laughed without humor and looked away from the door and at her. “You know as well as I do that she cared too much. About you, especially. Me and the ranch, too. The puppies. Michelle and Jennifer. Otherwise she wouldn’t have left once she realized how much she stood to lose if she made a mistake.”
Tegan frowned. “She didn’t mess up, though. Even if she had, she wouldn’t have lost any of us.”
“Maybe what happened at her last job kept her from believing it. She lost everything because of a mistake.”
Tegan nodded. Alana had said as much to her. Her reputation, her home, her career. She had lost all of them in one instant, and… “Wait. How did you know about her getting fired? She said she took this position because you didn’t check references.”
“Of course I checked them,” Chip said in an indignant tone. “I called her last employer and heard about the snafu at the hotel.” He tried unsuccessfully to hide a snicker behind his hand. “It’s the greatest story.”
“You should hear Alana give her version. She has the most hilarious way of telling it.” Tegan’s voice faded toward the end. Talking about Alana with Chip made her feel close, which only made it hurt worse when Tegan remembered she was far away. Philadelphia. With no dirt under her nails or dust in her hair from riding. No horses to groom or housekeeping staff to manage. No puppies biting her ankles and licking her face.
Tegan would have bet all her savings that Alana missed the puppy part. The rest of it? Probably not. Whether she missed Tegan didn’t seem to be a factor. It hadn’t been enough to keep her here.
She turned her attention back to the conversation at hand. “So why did you hire her after hearing about it?”
Chip shrugged. “Like we said, it was a mistake. And a funny one. Something about it felt off to me, too. Her boss almost seemed to enjoy making Alana sound horrible. I thought she might thrive in a place where people cared about her.”
Tegan looked at him with new respect. His plan had backfired a bit, though. Alana had been prepared to come here, do her time, and get away unscathed. Forming connections seemed to have been harder for her to handle than being an unappreciated and maligned employee. “To be honest, we both thought you hired her because you were desperate. I didn’t realize you had other reasons.”
Chip rubbed the back of his neck with a rueful expression on his face. “I was getting low on options, wasn’t I? My desperation might have played a role in hiring her, but it wasn’t the only reason. And my instincts were right about her, for the most part.”
Tegan had to laugh. It was probably the first time she had since Alana had left, and it sounded rusty to her. “Did your instincts also tell you she was an experienced equestrian?”
He laughed, too. “No. Her cover letter told me that. I reread it yesterday, and it’s a quality work of fiction.”
Tegan shook her head, smiling. Neither of them was trying to be mean about Alana’s deception. There was something too gutsy and brave about it to criticize. “When did you know?” she asked. Chip had called her right after Alana told him about her absolute lack of prior experience and quit. If the information had been news to him, she assumed he wouldn’t have been on the phone to her within minutes, telling her to bring Alana back.
“When did I know she was a complete beginner?” he asked, and Tegan nodded. “The first day she was out with the horses alone. I thought I’d keep an eye on her to make sure she didn’t need help with anything.” He rolled his eyes. “She needed help with everything.”
“But you didn’t fire her. Or help her, either.” This must have been the day after their first lesson. She remembered how hard it had been for Alana to manage the simplest things with Charm, but also how hard she had worked.
“No. I was going to confront her, but I…well, confrontation’s not my thing. So I watched, and she brought out horse after horse. Stayed out there all day, with books and notes and videos on her phone. By the end of the day, I could see how much she had improved, so I decided to let it go for the moment. I thought she deserved a second chance when I hired her, and I wanted to find out what she was going to do with it.”
Tegan knew exactly what Alana had done with her opportunity. She had gone back to the horses day after day, getting better each time. Tegan sighed and put her palm against her stomach. Getting over a broken heart would be much easier if she could hate Alana. Instead, she and Chip were apparently forming an Alana fan club.
Chip leaned toward her. “I hope you don’t think I wasn’t considering the safety of my guests and my horses. I just wanted to give her time, see what happened. I always figured I’d go along on the rides, just in case I was needed.”
Tegan grinned. “I was planning to do the same thing, since I had gone behind your back to teach her. I wouldn’t have let her out there alone with a group if I didn’t think she could handle it.”
Chip waggled his finger at her. “Ah, I thought it was you. I assumed she was taking lessons somewhere, but I didn’t know where.”
“She would have been mortified if we’d both shown up for her first ride, intending to go along as chaperones.”
“I’m sure we’d have paid somehow. She’d probably make me ride in one of the children’s saddles.” He shifted in
his chair as if imagining how uncomfortable it would be. “She wouldn’t have needed us, though. I saw her with Michelle and Cotton. You and I both know being a good trail guide requires skills beyond being able to sit on a horse. Clear thinking, the ability to read a situation, grace under pressure. She came here with those already in place.”
Tegan nodded, thinking of how hard she had tried to keep Alana safe in the arena with Charm and on their trail ride. “Her riding skills are catching up quickly, too, but what she doesn’t have are the difficult experiences longtime horse people have, like getting bucked off a bunch of times. They teach a person to accept that unexpected things happen with horses.”
“And to pick yourself up and get back on. Not run away.”
“Damn,” said Tegan, propping her elbows on her knees and leaning against them. “If we’d had this conversation weeks ago, do you think we could have kept her here somehow?”
He sat back in his chair, seeming to consider her question. “No, I don’t think so. What it might have done is made us try even harder to protect her. Inevitably, she was going to have to face an accident or mishap on a trail ride. I think she would have reacted the same way, no matter if it happened now or weeks from now.”
Tegan sighed. “I didn’t come by just to talk about her, although it did help a little. What I’m here about are the puppies.”
“The puppies,” Chip said, looking as longingly at the blanket filled wading pool as he had at Alana’s empty office. “I miss them. How are they?”
“Good. Energetic. Anyway, I have two that aren’t spoken for yet. Dez wants one, which shocked me, but I haven’t let her know which yet. Alana had been trying to figure out which one you liked most, but she couldn’t tell. If you’re interested in adopting one, I wanted to give you the choice of the two.”
“No, no. She can have either. I had actually planned to talk to Alana about adopting Lace. She’s such a sweet dog, and I thought she’d like going on hikes with me and hanging around the ranch. If it’s okay with you, of course.”
“Oh.” Tegan was happy for the dog, yes, but what nearly brought her to tears was the thought of how excited Alana would have been to find out that Lace was Chip’s mystery preference. “I think you’d be perfect for her. Absolutely. The guests will love having her here, too.”
“Cool,” he said, sounding as excited as a young boy getting his first dog. He reached over the desk and pulled out one of his flat metal sculptures that had been tucked behind it. “Look what I made for the wall outside my office.”
Tegan laughed with delight when he held up the life-size image of Lace. He had captured Lace’s expression flawlessly.
“I love it. I’m going to spay her after the puppies are weaned, and then she’ll be yours.” She stood up, relieved by the good news, but weary after talking about Alana. “I’ll be here this weekend, of course. Do you need me to lead any of the rides?”
“I’ll cover those. We might need a hand with the children in the corral, though, just leading them around a few times. Jennifer’s sister-in-law will be here to help, too.”
“Of course.” Alana had been excited about her plan to offer rides for the kids. Tegan could surely get through the afternoon in the corral without dwelling on Alana. Yeah, right.
She was almost to the door when he stopped her. “If you contact her, would you—”
“I won’t,” she said firmly. She had good practice at this since she had to yell it to herself a few times every night, when she’d reach for her phone.
“Okay. But if you do decide to—”
“I won’t.”
He held up a hand. “Let her know I want her back here. Right before all this happened, I was talking to Jennifer about how much of a raise I could offer Alana if she’d switch jobs with me. She could manage the place, and I’d be the outdoor guide. Of course, I’d still like her to do some of the trail rides, but I wouldn’t mention them right away if I were you. Get her back here first.”
Tegan exhaled, backing out the door. “Fine. But I’m not going to call her. Besides, she has her new job in Philadelphia. Or her old one with a promotion. Either way, she won’t be coming back here.”
“Oh, she’s not in Philadelphia.”
Tegan took three steps, and then turned around and went back to the office. “What? Yes, she is.”
He shook his head. “She might be in the city, but she didn’t take the job. I called there because I wanted her address for sending her last paycheck. Some Krantz guy said he offered her the position last week, but she called him back the same day and turned it down.”
“Huh.” Tegan sketched a quick wave good-bye and left the lodge. She sat in her Jeep at the fork in the road, idling without knowing which direction to take. She had understood, in some way, Alana’s desire to go back to Philadelphia as a winner. It had made sense. It was like Alana had gone to a different place, a better opportunity. Now it just seemed as if she’d gone away from this one. Away from her. The difference was subtle, but it hurt like hell.
She started driving and then slammed on the brakes, stopping in the middle of the empty road. Last week? Tegan remembered their phone conversation, when Alana had brought up the hops festival, finally bringing up an activity more than twenty-four hours in the future. Was her decision not to take the job part of the reason why she was looking ahead with their relationship in mind? Tegan started driving again. She wasn’t about to give in and call Alana, no matter what Chip thought, so she’d never know.
Chapter Twenty-one
Alana didn’t make it past Ellensburg. Instead of waiting for the next flight to Seattle, she had rented a car with the intention of driving there. Then she would call Jim back and hope he hadn’t hired someone else for her job. Get on a plane and fly to Philadelphia.
Her plan seemed reasonable. Then she got to Ellensburg.
The part of town she saw didn’t have much to recommend it. Winds funneling through the mountain passes to the west threatened to bowl her over whenever she stepped outside, and what smelled like a million cows must have been pastured just outside the city limits. She only stopped because she could barely keep her eyes open or her attention focused on the road. Saying good-bye to Tegan in such a stiff, horrible way had left her exhausted. The imagined memory of Michelle being hurt on the trail—having superseded the true version of the event in her mind—haunted her.
She stopped in a hotel, deciding to brave the gusting winds, along with all the odors and dust they carried along with them, for just a brief rest. A night to sleep and cry before she picked herself up and moved on with her life. She accomplished at least one of her goals, weeping through the night into a pillow covered with a scratchy pillowcase, sobbing about all the hours she had wasted learning to ride and how foolish she’d been to turn down the job. Eventually, she got past her self-pity and cried for Tegan and the puppies, Chip and Jennifer. Fitz with his bounding trot and Charm, who would prefer not to.
Around three in the morning, she was worn out. The emotions she’d experienced in the past month had been more intense and more capricious than anything she’d felt before. She’d studied hard in school, but a few late-night cram sessions were nothing compared to the physical and mental effort she had put into her riding. She had taken care of guests and cleaned their rooms, but those tasks had never brought her as much joy and heartwarming laughter as she had found while tending to Lace and her puppies.
She’d had girlfriends along the way, too, although nothing serious enough to interfere with her career plans. Her relationship with Tegan went so far beyond what she’d had before that she needed an entirely new vocabulary to describe and define it. A thousand synonyms for pain since Tegan was no longer in her life.
Alana turned on the television, letting the boring reruns and constant sound finally lull her into a restless sleep.
Her next day was spent much the same way, in a constant cycle of tears and loneliness. She snapped out of it on the third morning, after managing to walk
from her hotel to McDonald’s for breakfast and back without being blown to Oz. She had to make a decision, any decision.
She spent hours searching for an answer. Which job, what city. Her old career dreams didn’t seem as enticing to her now, and the thought of endless travel and owning nothing more permanent than a few changes of clothes wasn’t appealing. She realized she wanted to decorate a house and own some real wineglasses. Hang a painting on a wall and put a dog bed in the living room.
She wanted Tegan in her bedroom. Her mug next to Tegan’s in the kitchen cupboard, and both their clothes hanging in the closet. She knew without a doubt that Tegan wanted her, too. What she wasn’t as confident in was Tegan’s ability to forgive her. She had made the choice to leave her behind, just like her mother had, time and time again. She wasn’t sure she could make Tegan believe she would stay.
* * *
She tried the clinic first, but the lights were out, and Tegan’s Jeep wasn’t in the lot. She sat in her rental car and drummed her fingers on the steering wheel, considering her options. She didn’t have many—she didn’t know where Rosie lived, and she didn’t know any of Tegan’s other friends. She didn’t want to barge in on Tegan’s grandparents at night. She decided she would have to wait. She’d find a hotel and come back to the clinic early in the morning.
She wasn’t sure why she decided to drive by her rental house. She had a vague idea about trying to climb through a window and sleep in her familiar bed for one more night, but they were probably all locked. She drove down the street anyway and jerked to a halt when she saw Tegan’s car in her driveway.
She walked slowly up to the porch, having weird and nostalgic thoughts like Oh, this is where I first saw what I thought was a rat. She was delaying the inevitable confrontation, not because she didn’t think Tegan deserved to be angry, but because she wasn’t sure of the outcome. An argument with a partner, when both expected to get through the rough patch and still be together the next day, was one thing. This was something else entirely. It could already be over for the two of them, if Tegan had shut Alana completely out of her heart after she left, or it could be finished before the night was over.