She looked up at him with a frown on her face, and Jason had a front row seat to watch the anger building up inside her. Before she let all that anger loose, he tried to explain. “The anger is where your mother comes in, Cheyenne, and you have a right to be angry. But, what you don’t have a right to do, is take that anger out on everyone around you.”
“So you’re saying I have a right to be angry, but I can’t do anything about it? I have to keep it inside of me and pretend it isn’t there?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. You’ve been keeping it inside and pretending it isn’t there, and that’s not working too well. You have to deal with it. By that I mean you have to face it head on, talk about it, think about it, and work your way through it. Then when you come to peace with that anger, you’ll be able to set it aside and deal with people without all that anger and hurt boiling up inside you.”
She looked totally frustrated as she hung her head. She thought for several moments before starting to speak, very quietly. “I didn’t know what it was from, but I knew I had a lot of anger and hatred in me, Jason. But I’ve been trying to deal with it for a long time. I can’t do it.” A few tears escaped her eyes and trickled down her cheeks. “I just can’t do it.”
Jason got up and moved to the couch beside her. He put his arms around her and pulled her against his chest, holding her tightly. “Yes, you can, Cheyenne. You’ve always tried to deal with it alone. Now let me help you. You’ve already made a tremendous amount of progress. I am so proud of you, honey. Let me help you, and you’ll do fine, I just know it.”
She sadly shook her head. “No, it’s my problem. I have to deal with it. I know me. I’m a little on the stubborn side, and if you tell me how I should feel about it, I’ll probably try all the harder to feel differently, just on principle.”
“I agree, except for one thing. You’re not a little on the stubborn side, you’re as stubborn as a mule. But one thing I would never do is try to tell you how you should feel about anything.”
“Then how are you going to help me?”
“Over the years I’ve been doing this the one thing I’ve found is that in a situation like this, what you need to do is talk to somebody. It’s best if you can talk to somebody who didn’t know you while you were going through the experience you’ll be talking about. They can sit back with an open mind and see it from a different perspective than you, and see both sides of the issue. I’ve been that person numerous times in the past, so I have experience at it. I may know what kind of questions to ask so that I make you think about it, but I would never tell you how to feel, or how I would feel. Your feelings are what they are. They’re not right or wrong. They are your feelings, though, and you need to talk about them, come to terms with them, and make peace with them. Often times as you talk about it and think about it, your feelings will change, and then they’re easier to deal with.”
“Like you can talk me into feeling differently?”
“No. For your feelings to truly change you have to be the one changing them. And it’s not because you set out to change them. It’s because in talking about it, sometimes you realize why you feel the way you feel, and if those feelings are based on something that turns out to be untrue, or a misunderstanding, once you know the truth, your feelings will change.”
Cheyenne pulled back away from him now and he could tell she was thinking. “So like, for example, if I were to find out that my mom was in an accident and lost her memory, didn’t know she had me, my feelings about her abandoning me because I was too much trouble might change?”
“Good example. In that case I don’t see how your feelings about the situation couldn’t change.”
After more thought, she asked, “But what if we talk about it, but my feelings don’t change?”
“Then your feelings are still the same, but you will have dealt with them some, and you’ll feel more comfortable with them.”
“How do you know?”
“Well, let me ask you a question, and be honest about it. I want a nice quick, short answer. How do you feel about your mom?”
Cheyenne’s head snapped up and she looked at him. She opened her mouth to say something, then shut it. The expression on her face changed and she started to say something again, but again backed down. That happened three times. Finally, Jason asked, “Are you angry with her?”
She lowered her head before she answered. “Yes.”
“Do you feel hurt?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have some questions you’d like to ask her?”
“Oh, yes.”
“Do you feel abandoned?”
“Yes.”
“Do you feel guilty?”
“Yes.”
“Do you feel confused?”
Her eyes welled up with tears as she admitted, “Yes.”
When he took her in his arms again, this time she readily leaned against him, her head once again resting against his shoulder.
“Those are what we’ll talk about, honey. I can help you put an end to the confusion and you can work through your feelings so you know in your heart how you feel about her. I think part of your problem is that you don’t know what happened, so you have all these different feelings for how you would feel if this happened, or if that happened. You need to decide how you feel, knowing what you know and not knowing the rest. What are your true feelings? You also need to realize you’re allowed to feel however you want to feel. You don’t have to feel guilty or sad, or anything else. You’re allowed to feel whatever you feel. You just have to admit to yourself what those feelings are and then you can become comfortable with them.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“I don’t mean to, because it’s not simple. It will take a lot of hard work, but it’ll be worth it.”
“But what if I can’t do it?”
“I’m sure you can, Cheyenne. Let me tell you something here, and this is being totally honest. You’ll find that’s one thing you can count on from me, is total honesty. When I work with people, help them like I’m helping you, there’s almost always an issue that we have to work through. Once we resolve that issue, the rest sort of falls into place. But resolving that issue is the hard part.”
“So you really have done this before?” she asked.
“Several times, like I told you,” he assured her. “And it’s always difficult. But the people who really want to work this program, want to change, and that’s smart. They know they have a problem and they want to solve that problem. They’re willing to tackle the problem, and they’ll talk to me, they’ll answer my questions, no matter how hard those questions may seem, and in return, they’re the ones that emerge first, and they emerge the strongest.”
Cheyenne was watching him carefully, and he could almost see her thinking his words through. He added a little food for thought. “They also emerge the happiest. They tell me they feel like a new person, like a huge burden has been lifted from their shoulders, and you can see how happy they are. It’s a wonderful thing to see.”
He took one of her hands in his. “Cheyenne, we’ve gotten to this point quicker than I have with anyone else I’ve worked with. That’s because you may have a lot of anger you’re fighting, but you’re very smart, and you’re very strong. When you told me yesterday that you’re ready to work this program and you’ll give it a fair try, I can see now that you were serious about that. I thought when you said it you were serious, but now today, it’s very clear. I can’t tell you how proud I’ve been of you. You’ve made more progress already than I normally make in the first week.”
“I have?”
“Absolutely.”
“But I don’t feel like I’ve done all that much yet.”
“Oh, but you have. You’ve made that important decision that you’ll work with me, and so far you’ve done just that. Don’t stop now, though. While you’re doing so well, are you ready to dive into this? This next step is hard, sorting out your feelings. But once we do t
hat, the rest will be much easier. Then it’s just a matter of breaking old habits, and it’s something you’ll want to do then, so it’ll go much easier and quicker. You’ll see what I mean.”
“I like the sounds of that,” she said, “but I hate thinking about my mother. I get upset every time I do, so I try to avoid it.”
“I know. And that’s why this is going to be hard. But you’ll feel a whole lot better afterwards.”
“I don’t know if I can do that. You don’t know how hard that’ll be.”
Jason tried changing gears a little bit. “Cheyenne, do you trust me?”
He was delighted when she quickly answered, “Yes.” Her face scrunched up and she added, “And that’s kind of odd in itself. I don’t usually trust people, especially not until I know them really, really well. So I can’t explain it, but for some reason, I do trust you.”
“Good. I’m glad you do trust me. Trust is something you have to earn, and I want you to know that I’d never knowingly do anything to make you lose that trust in me. But I’m asking you now to trust me with this. I know that’s asking a lot, but this program will go much quicker and easier if you trust me on this and we forge ahead.”
She thought a few minutes. Then she sighed and said, “I trusted you earlier today and I have to admit I do feel better.” She turned red and grinned as she amended her statement. “Well, all except for my butt’s still sore.”
“I wondered if that’s why you’ve been doing so much squirming on the couch,” he said with a grin of his own.
“Anyway,” she said, changing the subject, “I am serious about working this program because I think it really is a last chance program. So yes, I’ll trust you. But can we start now, before I change my mind?”
“Absolutely,” he said as he leaned down and kissed the top of her head. “Again, Cheyenne, you’ve impressed me. If you’re ready, let’s get started.”
Chapter 7
Jason and Cheyenne spent the afternoon talking. Jason did exactly as he said he would do; he asked pointed questions, which forced Cheyenne to think about things she hadn’t considered before. That brought out thoughts and feelings she hadn’t faced before. At times she had tears streaming down her face, and at other times she had a big smile.
By the end of the afternoon, Jason was extremely pleased with her progress, while Cheyenne wasn’t sure she’d made much progress. “We’ve done a lot of work today. How are you holding up?” Jason asked.
“I’m okay. I’m kind of tired, but I don’t know why. All I’ve done is sit here all afternoon.”
“Taxing your brain can be more tiring than physical activity. Let’s stop for today so you have time to absorb what we talked about. If you’re comfortable with it all tomorrow, we’ll tackle it again.”
“Okay,” she agreed. “I’ll go fix us some dinner.”
“I’m not big on schedules or routines. If you want to take some time to rest first, go ahead.”
“No, that’s okay. I’ll think while I work.”
She got up to go to the kitchen, but he stopped her with a gentle hand on her arm. “Are you okay?”
She gave him a reassuring smile, small as it may have been. “I’m good, really. I have a lot to think about, but you brought up several interesting points. They’ve got me thinking a little differently, and questioning some things I thought I knew and now realize maybe I just assumed.” A mischievous grin appeared on her face. “And I guess that old saying is right about what happens when you assume things.”
He tilted his head. “What saying is that?”
“You know, spell it out. A-s-s, u, m-e. When you assume things it makes an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’.”
Jason chuckled and answered, “I’ve never heard that saying, but I like it. I won’t even complain about your language this time since it’s part of a saying that makes sense. You’d do well to remember that.”
“I know,” she admitted. “I think I was assuming some things that maybe I shouldn’t have been assuming. If you don’t assume them, it changes a lot of things.”
“Assuming things you don’t know to be true is often just asking for trouble where there really isn’t any.”
“I’m starting to agree with you.” After a minute she said, “I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.”
Their uneventful evening was spent watching a movie. At ten o’clock he left with a reminder to be ready at 8:20 in the morning.
***
Jason and Cheyenne spent the next few days deep in thoughtful conversation. Jason was amazed at how determined Cheyenne was to ‘complete the program’, as she’d begun to call it. He was convinced that their talks had gotten her thinking that maybe she wasn’t responsible for her mother leaving her and her father not ever being a part of her life. As she was accepting this concept more and more, Jason watched as the angry Cheyenne left and a happier, more contented Cheyenne took her place.
This happier, more contented Cheyenne was becoming harder and harder to keep his distance from. He was still determined to see this project through, but was now positive that afterwards he wanted to talk to the lovely Cheyenne and see if her feelings paralleled his, as he was beginning to suspect they did. Her mischievous little grins he was so fond of seeing were showing up more and more, and there was a little sparkle in her eyes he hadn’t seen before.
They fell into a routine of sorts for their everyday living at her apartment. He always helped her with the dishes after dinner. Several days into their serious talking, instead of going to the living room for a quiet evening after the dishes were done, he surprised her. “Do you have anything special planned for tonight? Need some private time?”
“Private time?”
“I’m told women need time to take soaking baths and shave their legs and that sort of thing,” he said, his face turning a little red.
“No, I’m good,” she said. “I was hoping we could talk some more tonight.”
“You want to talk more, seriously?”
“Yes, I do. Why; is that a problem?”
“I usually have a hard time getting someone to talk this much in one day. You’ve been doing a lot of talking the last several days. Why are you willing, or even anxious to go at it again tonight?”
“It’s hard at first, talking like this, admitting things I’ve been thinking. But I really want to finish this program, and since you’re forcing me to be honest with myself, even I can see I’m feeling better about myself. I think you may be right; if I feel better about myself, I’ll treat people differently. I’ve always figured people look at me like the poor, trashy girl from the wrong side of the tracks. I’m starting to think maybe they don’t.”
“I'm glad to hear that.”
“Or maybe they don't start looking at me like that until I start acting like a poor, trashy girl from the wrong side of the tracks, anyway.”
“Very good observation, Cheyenne. We are definitely making progress. But that’s enough talking and thinking for today. You’re doing a wonderful job of being honest with yourself and, in turn, seeing things differently, but don’t overdo it. You need time to let your new observations become part of you. If you push yourself too much, it will feel like you’re being forced, or coerced into changing your beliefs, and I don’t want that to happen.”
“But I don’t feel forced at all, Jason. I feel better the more we talk. I think while we’re making good progress, we should keep going.”
“Cheyenne, I said we’ve done enough for today.”
“I know you said that. And I said I don’t think so.”
“Well, I’m the one in charge of this program, and I know trying to push and do too much in one day is not a good idea. It often backfires and the next day the person I’m working with is combative all day, so we’re done for today. But let me take a minute here to warn you, watch your attitude. I’m sure you remember what happens when you get snippy with me.”
She quickly whirled around and glared at him.
He wasn’t impressed. “Cheyenne, what are you glaring at me for?” he asked.
“Really? After all the emotional trauma I’ve gone through because of our talking, we disagree about something, and you’re worried about my attitude?”
He gentled his voice and put his hand on her shoulder. “See, that’s exactly what I was talking about. That’s why we’ve talked enough for today. You’ve made some very important discoveries about your feelings, but it’s also a lot to absorb. It’s exhausting mentally. This whole program is about teaching you how to get along better with other people. Part of that is learning how to be nice when you’re tired, and what to do when you’re tired to avoid snapping at people. So to answer your question, yes, I am worried about your attitude right at the moment.”
“Well, don’t be.” He looked at her questioningly. She explained, “Nobody’s here right now, so don’t worry about it.”
“I’m here,” he answered, “and I count. You need to learn that you can’t snap at people or treat them badly just because you’re tired, or having a bad day. We’re not going to be talking any more today, and probably not much tomorrow because it’s quite apparent you’re mentally exhausted. But that doesn’t give you a right to treat people badly, including myself.”
“If you expect me to be syrupy sweet to everyone all the time by the time I finish this program, I can tell you right now that’s not going to happen. I don’t think you could spank me enough to make me be that sickening sweet. I despise people like that. They smile all the time and tell you to have a wonderful day every time you go to leave. Sometimes they make me want to puke.”
Jason chuckled as he said, “No, I’m not expecting that. I’m actually not a big fan of people like that, either. But what I do expect by the time you finish this program is that you will treat people with respect, and mind your manners. That means no temper tantrums, and you can’t take your bad day out on the people around you, or have an attitude around them.”
“There you go again, talking about my attitude.”
Cheyenne and Jason (Last Chance Program Book 1) Page 9