If I Was Your Girl

by Ni-Ni Simone

  He let out a long breath of air, rose from the bed and walked toward the door, where he stopped in front of me. “I don’t know what I’m doing with you. I’m not even supposed to be here. I was supposed to kick it to you, chill wit’ you for a minute and bounce. Yo, this is crazy.”

  Tears were pouring down my face as Harlem pulled me close and began kissing them off. “You know you’re my boo,” he said, kissing me on the mouth. His kisses were so warm and his touch so comforting that I didn’t want him to stop. I ran my hands up Harlem’s back and lifted his shirt up. “Ma,” he sighed. “I don’t know.”

  I locked my door. “I know.” I kissed him on his chest and as I began to undress him, he was still reluctant, yet he started to undress me.

  “What you doin’, ma? Your mother gon’ come down here.”

  “She’s at work.” I led him by the hand and he followed me to the bed. And when we were done, he held me tight and simply looked at me.

  After an hour of lying in his arms, he said, “I wanna tell you something—”

  “I feel really bad about the way I acted.” I cut him off.

  “Just listen,” he placed his index finger to my lips. “I’m going back to Atlanta.”

  “What?” Did he just say he was moving back to Atlanta?

  “Yeah…and I was hoping that you would meet me there.”

  “Pssst, please.” I sucked my teeth. “What is this supposed to be, Shakespeare? Boy, please, this is the hood. Romeo and Juliet got killed last year.”

  “I’m serious.”

  “Me too.”

  “Come on, Toi.”

  “Harlem, I have a whole school year before I even go to college.”

  “So I’ll wait.”

  “You gon’ wait for me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Yeah, and what’s your mother going to say about that?”

  “It’s my life. She just has to get used to the idea. I mean, it’s a lot.”

  “What’s a lot?”

  “You having a baby.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. She’s not really feeling me having a ready-made family. But it’s my decision.”

  “Whatever.” I looked around the room at our clothes strewn on the floor. Maybe this was a mistake.

  “Look,” I said, getting out of bed and slipping my housecoat on. “You ’bout to bounce?”

  He looked at me like I was crazy. “I guess so.”

  “Cool.” I stood in silence, watching him get dressed. He went to kiss me on his way out and I turned my face. After he left, I showered and I cried myself to sleep.

  20

  “Are you sure Harlem is ready for all of this?” my mother asked as we sat to the dining room table.

  “For all of what?” I said.

  “For all you bring.”

  “Dang ma, you say that like I’ma problem.”

  “You’re not a problem, Toi, but you are a package.”

  “Ma—”

  “He didn’t even tell his mother you had a baby,” she looked at me, “and you’ve been dating for how long?”

  “So what. You don’t like him now?”

  “No, that’s not it. I like him, he’s a nice guy. But I think he has some growing up to do, and so do you, before you two can handle a relationship and a baby.”

  “Ma, so, what you’re saying is I should be lonely for the rest of my life?”

  “Why are you putting words in my mouth?” She frowned. “I’m your mother, if I can’t tell you about your mistakes, then who can? Harlem is a nice guy, but I don’t like that he didn’t tell his mother. I don’t think he’s ready for all of this.”

  “But ma, Harlem is always here. We go out…and with the baby…and why would he invite me over there for his mother’s going away party if he wasn’t ready?”

  “Because he likes you, Toi. I just think he doesn’t know what to do with you. You are a package, honey, and unfortunately sometimes boys at this age don’t understand what it means to be with a teen mother with a baby. So—”

  “Ma—”

  She held her finger up for me to be quiet. “So, I just want you to take some time out for yourself, figure out not just what you want to do in life, but do it. There are going to be a million Harlems who all promise the same thing. ‘If you were my girl’” she put on a animated male voice, “‘I’d give you this and I’d give you that.’ But at the end of the day, they may just walk away and if you haven’t gotten things right for you and your son, you will have more crying times than you bargained for. Now, I love you—you know that. But I’m also a mother and I know that Harlem’s mother didn’t like you having a child. I also know that Harlem had to be embarrassed, and I also know that you haven’t done what you need to do for you.”

  My mother was right. The problem was she was always right.

  I sat there looking at her, trying my best not to think about what she’d just said. “You gon’ still keep Noah for me?”

  “Yes, I don’t want my grandbaby over there around that lady. I didn’t like her face when she found out he was your son,” she said as the doorbell rang. “She might mess around and I’d have to beat her down.”

  “Okay, ma.” I laughed. “You can fall back.”

  “Heyyyy!” Tay said as she walked into the kitchen. “Toi, Harlem is outside and he brought a friend. Hollah!”

  “Hello.” I went to kiss Ms. Simms on the cheek and she turned her face away. I looked at Tay and she said, “I will fight an old lady.”

  Harlem grabbed my hand. “Come in, come in.” and led us into the family room. “This is my family,” He pointed around. “My sister, my cousins and this is Toi,” he said, “my girlfriend.”

  “Hello!” Harlem’s sister smiled. “I’ve heard so much about you!”

  “Really?” I blushed.

  “Uhm hmm, too much,” Ms. Simms said as she left the room.

  I knew everyone in the room heard her because they became quiet. Then tried to resume their conversation, “So how’ve you’ve been, Toi?” Harlem’s sister asked.

  “Dinner is served,” Ms. Simms said before I could answer.

  As we walked into the dining room, Tay said, “This chick is trippin’. I don’t wanna be here long.”

  “Chill, Tay. It’s cool.”

  “No, it’s not.”

  As we sat down at the table, Harlem said under his breath. “Toi, my mother’s buggin’. Don’t even pay that any mind.”

  “She doesn’t like me having a baby.”

  “She doesn’t have to be with you, I do.”

  If only that made me feel better. I ate very little and I knew Harlem noticed it.

  “So what do you plan on doing with your life, Toi?” I looked up and Harlem’s mother was staring at me.

  “Where did that come from?” I asked.

  “I’m just wondering what you’re going to do after high school.”

  “I’m not sure…” I said, “if I’m going to college or not.”

  “Oh…kay. Is it just that you don’t wanna go or what?”

  “Well, before I had my son I got into a little bit of trouble, but I’ve been thinking about going to community college.”

  “Did you say trouble? Trouble for what?”

  “Ai’ight, ma. That’s enough,” Harlem said.

  “No, I’m just asking.”

  “Well, ask something else,” he snapped.

  “Who you talking to?” She arched her eyebrows.

  “I’m talking to you.”

  “Excuse me?” Ms. Simms sputtered in disbelief. “Harlem,” she slid from her chair from the table, “I need to see you in the kitchen.”

  “We gon’ bounce after this.” He gave me a slight massage on my shoulder as he walked out behind his mother.

  As soon as they left the room, Tay leaned over to me and said, “We might need to roll up on moms.”

  “Calm down, Tay.”

  “I’m just sayin’. People looking like they wanna get it po
ppin’.”

  “Tay!”

  “I’m just sayin’.”

  “Who are you talking to?” Ms. Simms screamed so loud it floated into the dining room.

  “Ma, you being rude and I don’t appreciate it. Toi’s my girlfriend and this is how you treat her?”

  “I told you not to bring her here and you did anyway. All she gon’ do is have a buncha babies and be some—some—some two-dollar waitress somewhere for the rest of her life. Then she’ll have you and all my hard earned money wrapped up in court in a buncha baby mama drama. Have me raising a buncha grandkids, ’cause she can’t get off welfare!”

  “How you know she’s on welfare?”

  “I can look at her and tell.”

  “You don’t even know her! You foul, real foul!”

  “And you’re irresponsible! That girl is too fast for you. You don’t even clean up your room and now you gon’ play step-daddy. I’ll be damned.”

  “I’m nineteen years old.”

  “And that’s all you are. Let her eat dinner and take her home.” I could hear her storming this way. “And the next time you raise your voice up in here—”

  “Ma, please. You just bitter!”

  When Harlem walked back into the dining room, he stopped suddenly because everybody was either looking at me or looking aimlessly around the room. I twisted my lips and placed my napkin on the table. “It’s cool, Harlem. You can stay, I’ll leave. Come on, Tay.”

  Ms. Simms stood there with a look of surprise on her face, like she didn’t know that everyone heard her. “Uhmm, Toi,…I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I just wanted—”

  I cut her off. “Really, you don’t have to explain anything to me. You were only protecting your son the same way I would protect mine. For real, no disrespect, but you need to check yourself, ’cause you really don’t know me or my situation. I used to be ashamed of being a teen mom, but what I learned is that I’m in charge of me and what I do. So I no longer allow people like you to make me feel bad for who I am. ’Cause one thing for sure, I’ma damn good mother—I work, I go to school, and I take care of my son. Bon voyage!”

  Tay stood up and snapped her fingers in a “z” motion. “Told yo ass. Come on, Harlem, and take us home.” She tapped Harlem on his arm. “Move ya ass now. Don’t start nothin’, won’t be nothin’. Let’s go!”

  Harlem grabbed his keys and we left.

  I sat looking out the car window at how beautiful the sky was. Tamia’s “Me Myself and I” filled the car and Tay was singing along. I won’t lie—my feelings were hurt at how Harlem’s mother treated me, but…for the first time in my life, everything was crystal clear. And all of this that I’ve been going through suddenly made sense. In order for my life to change, I had to act. I couldn’t help but laugh as I wiped the tears rolling down my face.

  This wasn’t about being humiliated, this was about being free. Free of all the demons that haunted me: welfare, Quamir, his cheating, Shanice, shame, embarrassment…all of those things had a hold on me. But no more.

  We pulled up in front of my house and Tay got out. She rolled her eyes at Harlem, and said, “Call me.” She took her right fist and placed it in front of her eyes. “It ain’t nothin’ but a word.”

  “I’m alright.” I laughed. “You can get in your car and go home now. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “You sure?” she said, looking in my face.

  “Yes, girl.”

  “Alright.” She walked across the street to her car and got in.

  I know she could tell that I wanted to cry, but there was no way I was going to break down in front of Harlem. I’d done so much groveling in front of men that I was determined to never do it again.

  “Yo, listen.” He sighed. “I hate that things turned out like this.” He ran his hands through my hair. “I just—I just…” he said as if he were at a loss for words.

  “No, it’s okay—”

  “No, it’s not okay,” he insisted. “My mother had no right to treat you like she did. I can’t believe she went out like that. She’s never done that before.”

  “Well, you’ve never dated a teenage welfare mom before,” I snapped as I shot him a plastic smile. I knew it wasn’t his fault, but at that moment it sure felt like it. “Listen—”

  “No, look.” He reached in his pocket. “You’re special to me. And I know I haven’t always acted the way I should’ve and we didn’t start out on the best foot, but I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. Forget my mother. It’s about me and you.”

  “Harlem—”

  “Wait, Toi, please.” His eyes pleaded with me. “I have something for you.” He placed a small red box in my hand. For a moment, I looked at him like he was crazy. I know he didn’t think that I was about to marry him, not after the day we just had.

  “I know this is not a ring.”

  He laughed. “Nah, it’s not that. But it means just as much, at least to me. Open it.”

  As more tears filled my eyes and threatened to spill out, I opened the box. “Oh my God, this is beautiful!” I pulled out a white gold chain with an eternity three heart pendant. The hearts were made of diamonds and they went from the largest heart on top to the smallest on the bottom. “Harlem, this is so beautiful.”

  “The hearts represent us, together. Me, you, and Noah.”

  “Listen—”

  “Toi—”

  “No, let me speak, please.” I grabbed his hands and placed them between mine. “I have learned so much from you in the time we’ve been together. I’ve laughed, loved, and learned so much about myself. I’ve spent so much time trying to be somebody’s chick that I didn’t realize until now that love starts within. So,” I handed him his necklace back, “I can’t accept this.”

  “Why?”

  “Because this is it, Harlem. I need some time to get to know me. I need to become a friend to myself and make things right for me and my son.”

  “And what—I can’t be a part of that?”

  “No, sweetie. You can’t. I need to do this alone.”

  Harlem sat silently for a minute. I could tell by the way he was looking at me that a thousand thoughts were running through his mind.

  “I need to do this.”

  “But I can’t let you leave like that. We can work this out.”

  “Work what out, Harlem? I have a son and right now it’s too much for you, for me, for us.”

  “Toi—”

  “No, I have to be okay with this. This time I have to do this for me, otherwise I’ll never change and things will always be the same. If it’s meant to be, then I’ll see you again.”

  “So you gon’ bounce just like that?”

  He had no idea how hard this was for me. “Yeah, Harlem. Just like that.”

  After a few moments he said, “Ai’ight, but I want you to have this.” He reached around my neck and placed the necklace on me. “I want you to have this so you’ll never forget me.”

  “How can I forget you?” I hugged him and placed my head on his chest.

  “You know,” he whispered into my hair, “that I loved you.”

  “And I loved you, too.” I wiped my eyes and kissed him on the lips.

  “You good, Pretty Girl?” he said as I got out the car.

  I gave him half a smile. “Yeah, I’m good.”

  “Well, if you good then I’m good.” He gave me half a smile back. “Just know I ain’t gon’ forget you though, ma, on May 20.”

  I was too busy fighting tears to pay attention to what the heck he was saying. I just wanted to walk away as quickly as I could. It was only a matter of seconds before I broke down. I knew this was the right thing to do, but dang, why did it feel so wrong?

  21

  “Broke down!” Cousin Shake yelled, scaring me out of my sleep. He banged on my bedroom door. “Don’t sleep about it—be about it!”

  “Retarded.” Man-Man pounded on the door. “The slow bus is outside.”

  “Then you need to get on it!” I y
elled from behind the closed door.

  “What she say?” Cousin Shake snorted.

  “Cousin Shake, she just cussed you out,” Man-Man said in disbelief.

  “Don’t hold me back, jack, ’cause she must not know about me.”

  “She sleepin’ on you.”

  “She don’t want none of Cousin Shake. She…do…not…want none.”

  Oh…my…God…

  “’Cause you know,” Cousin Shake spat, “I will beat her like she stole my crack.”

  “You on crack, Cousin Shake?” Man-Man asked.

  “Naw, I’m just sayin’.”

  “Oh, ’cause I was ’bout to say, Cousin Shake, you too old to be a crackhead.”

  I couldn’t take it anymore, so I snatched my bedroom door open and popped my neck. “Bobby and Whitney, if you don’t get away from my door!”

  “Bobby and Whitney? Hold me back,” Cousin Shake snapped, “’cause this chile here done lost her mind. Bobby and Whitney? Bobby and Super-head, yeah. But Whitney is far from being my type.”

  “Tell her, Shake!” I heard Ms. Minnie scream down the hall.

  I’ma throw up.

  Cousin Shake started skipping in place like a boxer…again. “You got the right one, bay-bay!” “You…” he said slowly, “don’t…want…none…of…Shake.”

  “I sure don’t.” I shook my shoulders in a dramatic shudder and said, “Now excuse me,” and I slammed the door in his face.

  I didn’t have time to play with them. I had to get ready for the first day of school. I was a senior and I couldn’t believe it. Finally, a senior…the year I’d waited for—only for me to still feel lost. And just when I thought breaking up with Harlem was the answer. Which obviously it wasn’t because I was still in love with him and every time I thought about him my throat swelled with tears.

  But, I had to get me together. And no, I didn’t know where to start. I was having a hard time adjusting to all of this, this being responsible, being a mother, and somehow still being seventeen, but I had to get this right…otherwise, I was gon’ bug.

  I dressed in a pair of wide-leg Juicy jeans, a pink short sleeve tee with “Tantalizingly Fresh” in rhinestones across the breast, and pair of stilettos. Then I packed my backpack and my son’s baby bag. I woke the baby up, dressed him, fed him and was out the door. Checking to make sure I’d placed bottles in his bag, I pushed Noah’s stroller to the crowded bus stop, where people kept bumping into my baby’s stroller and me.