If I Was Your Girl

by Ni-Ni Simone

  “Yo!” Tay called behind me after school as I headed for the bus stop. “Wait up.” She jogged toward me. “What you rushing for?”

  I turned around and started walking backwards. “I have to pick up Noah from daycare and if I’m late there’s a charge.”

  “Alright.” She caught up with me and I started walking forward again. “I’ma go with you.”

  “Where’s your car?”

  “It broke down.”

  “Oh, well come on.”

  The bus was coming as we headed toward the stop so we ended up having to run and hopped on. There was a crowd of kids from school on the bus, and I felt like most of them were talking about what happened between me and Shanice.

  “You know me and Shanice had it,” I said more as a statement than a question.

  “What? When?”

  “In biology class. She started kickin’ all this ra-ra in the back of class, up there with Yaanah, Deeyah and them talking about me.”

  “Yo, she went south like that? Oh.” She gave a sinister laugh. “I’ma see this chick.”

  “Forget her. I don’t care what she does. I know there’s nothing between me and Quamir and if she doesn’t, then, oh well. Not my issue.”

  Tay looked at me, surprised. “I can’t believe this. You don’t wanna see about her?”

  “No, because she looks stupid still wanting to fight over Quamir. Please—he’s no good and I’m done with the drama.”

  Tay placed the back of her left hand against my forehead. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.” I laughed. “I’m just not fighting anymore. I’m good.”

  “Well hell, if you good, then I’m good. So anyway, did you see Katina?”

  We laughed and gossiped about some of the chicks in our school as we rode to Noah’s daycare. And once we got there, Noah was all ready to go. We gossiped even more on the way home. “Ai’ight, Tay,” I said once we reached our stop. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Ai’ight, see you.” And she disappeared down the street.

  23

  “Ma,” I said to my mother as I lay across the foot of her bed watching TV. “Can I ask you something?”

  “What?” She stood in the mirror putting makeup on.

  “Do you ever like…question a decision that you’ve made?”

  “A decision like what?” She puckered her lips and put her MAC lip gloss on.

  “About…a guy.”

  “Uhmm.” She slipped a tight black dress on. “Sometimes. Why? Because you miss Harlem?”

  I sat up. “Is it that obvious?”

  “Uhm hmm.”

  “So you think I’m dumb?”

  “Do you?” She placed a pearl necklace on.

  “Sometimes I do.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I can’t stop thinking about him and I just wanna hear his voice.”

  “Call him.”

  “I can’t, his number was changed.”

  “Really?” she said, surprised. “Well, Toi…” she said as if she were thinking of something to say. “You know…you’re young…and there will be a thousand boys. I just don’t want you settling and making…some of the mistakes I’ve made. You have other things to think about, like school, college, your son. Harlem was a nice guy, but there are plenty of nice guys.”

  But I only want Harlem. “You think?”

  “I know so.” She turned away from the mirror and faced me. “How do I look?”

  I looked her up and down in her form-fitting sleeveless black dress, chiffon shawl, pearl jewelry and stilettos. “You look beautiful. Where are you going?”

  She threw her right shoulder forward and winked. “I have a date.”

  I hopped off the bed. “A date? And with who? Daddy’s back in town?”

  “No.” She blushed. “I’m the only one who will call this one daddy.”

  “Ill, ma.” I couldn’t believe she said that. “Save the visuals, just tell me who he is. Did you tell Seven?”

  “No, I was hoping she would be home from work so she could meet him.”

  “Oh, we get to meet him? Must be serious. So, who is he?”

  “He’s a train conductor. His name is Khalil. Well, Mr. Khalil to you.”

  “Ma.” I looked at her with one eye closed. “You dating a dude named Khalil? You robbing the cradle ma?”

  “Who you talking to?” she snapped.

  “I just saying.”

  “Well don’t say it like that, and no, he’s older than me. In his forties, since you must know, and he’s a nice guy.” Before she could go on, the door bell rang.

  “I’ll get it.”

  “How do I look?” my mother repeated, seeming nervous.

  “Beautiful.”

  “Okay, go get the door and I’ll make a grand entrance.”

  As I went to open the door, Cousin Shake, Ms. Minnie, and Man-Man beat me to it. “Hi,” said my mother’s date, who was the spitting image of Denzel Washington. “I’m Khalil.”

  “Yeah,” Cousin Shake opened the door and soon as Khalil walked in, Cousin Shake started frisking him.

  “What are you doing?” Khalil frowned in shock. “Back up.”

  “Oh no you didn’t,” Ms. Minnie wiggled her neck. “Look like he tryna buck on you, Shake.”

  Cousin Shake started running in place. “You tryna play me?” He backed up and then thrust into Khalil’s face as if he were going to leap and then suddenly changed his mind.

  “You must be Cousin Shake, you must be Ms. Minnie, and you must be Amir.” Khalil chuckled a bit. “I’ve heard a lot about you, and it’s nice to finally meet you.”

  “I bet it is.” Cousin Shake sneered.

  “Oh…kay.” Khalil said. “So, can you tell Grier I’m here?”

  “Why?” Cousin Shake looked him up and down. “You know you ain’t gettin’ no booty don’t you?”

  “He tryin’ get some booty?” Man-Man started swinging punches in the air. “Do I need,” Man-Man spat, “to unleash the secret weapon?”

  “What secret weapon?” Ms. Minnie asked.

  “Y’all need to cut it out,” I said with my hands on my hips.

  “You must be one of the twins.” Khalil smiled at me.

  “Yes, I’m Toi.”

  “Broke down!” Cousin Shake yelled at me. “Stay out of this.”

  “This grown-folk bidness!” Ms. Minnie insisted.

  “Wow,” Khalil shook his head. “You guys are really a lively bunch.”

  “What, you think they a circus act or something?” Ms. Minnie said, instigating. “What you think, they clowns?”

  “Clowns?” Cousin Shake snapped.

  I looked at Khalil and I couldn’t tell if he wanted to laugh, if he thought they were crazy, or both.

  “You want me to go and get my mother?” I asked him. “She’ll be out in a few minutes, though.”

  “It’s cool,” he said, amused. “I can wait.”

  “Is he tryna punk us, Cousin Shake?” Man-Man asked.

  “Seems so,” Cousin Shake insisted. “Seems so.”

  “So I need to unleash it, huh?”

  “Lower…” Cousin Shake spoke slowly, “the boom.”

  “Ain’t nothin’ but a word.” And don’t you know, this fool scrunched up his face, contorted his body and let out the biggest fart in the world! And as if lightning had struck, Ms. Minnie immediately passed out.

  I couldn’t believe it. It was as if his behind opened up and growled. The fart was so loud that within an instant everyone started coughing and Cousin Shake started shaking like he was having an epileptic seizure.

  “Mahhhhhhh!” I screamed and she came running into the room.

  She placed her hand over her mouth and embarrassment covered her face. She pointed at Ms. Minnie. “Is she still alive?”

  “I don’t think so,” I said. “I think your son killed her.”

  My mother looked around in shock. “Khalil, I’m so sorry.” She sauntered over to Man-Man, who
was now farting in a rumbling succession. He didn’t even know my mother was behind him until she yanked him by his ear. They disappeared into the other room and when she returned, all I saw was a cloud of white smoke following her. “He should come to in about an hour.”

  “Alright,” I said.

  “Oh,” she said to Khalil as she grabbed his hand. “I didn’t introduce you. The trash compactor in the other room is my son, Amir. This here is my daughter, Toi. My other daughter, Seven, is at work. Ms. Minnie is the one passed out on the floor, and the one over there having a seizure,” she pointed, “is Cousin Shake.”

  “We’ve met.” Khalil smiled at us. “Are you ready, baby?” he said to my mother.

  “I sure am,” my mother said, a little too sexy for me. She winked and as she walked out the door she turned to me. “Don’t wait up.”

  24

  “Yuck!” Seven said. “Mommy really has a boo?” “What’s yuck about it? She has to live, too,” I said as we dressed for Senior Night at Celebrity. I’d laid out a pair of Juicy jeans and an extra-tight tee with my name written in rhinestones across the breasts, and a pair of cute Juicy sneakers. My hair was styled in the natural waves that flowed to my shoulders and my lips glistened with clear lip gloss.

  “But still.” She slipped on her Roccawear sweat suit.

  “Still what? I know you’re not waiting for her to take Daddy back.”

  “No…but I guess I’m not ready for all of this moving on. I mean, suppose she really likes this dude. Then what?”

  “Then what—what?” My mother came into my room and flopped down on the center of my bed.

  “And what are you doing home?” I smiled at her.

  “I have to babysit, remember?” She pointed to Noah’s crib, where he was sleeping. “You guys look so cute. I hope you win the contest.”

  “Oh, don’t sleep,” I said. “We will definitely win.”

  “Soooooo,” my mother said as if she’d been dying to ask. “What do you think of Khalil?”

  “I don’t like him,” Seven spat.

  “You don’t even know him.” My mother looked surprised.

  “Well, I don’t like the idea of him.”

  “And why not?” I asked.

  “Because, like…what if he wants to move in here or be your husband or something. Then where does that leave us?”

  “Homeless,” my mother said sarcastically.

  “Ma,” Seven whined. “Be for real.”

  “Look, I know this is new to everyone, but it’s time for me to live. There’s more to me than just being mommy. Now, no one is coming in here and taking your place or anything else you may be thinking. But I like this man and I think he’s nice and if you give him a chance you just may like him, too.”

  “Uhmm.” Seven arched her eyebrows. “Oh…kay.”

  “Whatever, Seven.” I shook my head as I looked at the clock. “It’s time to go.”

  “If ‘Push It’ comes on,” my mother yelled as we walked out the room, “be sure to dance for me!”

  The bass from 50 Cent’s “I Get Money” went straight from the DJ booth to the impatient line growing outside. It was Class of 2008’s night and everybody was here to rep their hood. The music floated through the air, seducing anybody who was anybody and the who among who to rock this spot.

  As I started taking tickets and giving out skates, I could hear Tay and Percy arguing. “I’ma slap you so hard,” Tay spat, “you gon’ grow!”

  “Do it!” Percy dared her. “And by the time I get finished with you, you gon’ be the same height as me!”

  I couldn’t help but laugh.

  After an hour of servicing people, I called the guidance counselor and asked her to cover me so I could use the bathroom. Once I reached the bathroom, there was a line outside the door and it took me about five minutes just to make it in. I hurried in the stall, peed, and came back out. When I approached the sink to wash my hands, I saw Shanice. Oh God, not again. She hadn’t been back to school since that day and I didn’t feel like being bothered by the bull all over again.

  “Toi—”

  “Look,” I cut her off. “I don’t need the drama, and really, I’m not in the mood. There’s nothing going on with Quamir and me. He doesn’t come to see his son, so as far as I’m concerned, there is no Quamir, okay. So please don’t start nothing and I won’t have to finish it.”

  “First of all, chick,” Shanice spat at me. “I wasn’t gon’ say nothing to you because Quamir is garbage and quite frankly, you can have him. He around here telling chicks that I’m crazy and shit. Psst, please forget him. So whatever problem you got with me, you can drop it because I am so not interested in entertaining you or your sorry ass baby daddy.” And she stormed out the bathroom.

  “Dang,” was all I could say as I thought about what just happened. I couldn’t help but laugh as I walked out the bathroom.

  Seven, Shae, and Tay skated toward me, “Where have you been? The DJ’s calling us to the floor. It’s our turn to rep our hood.”

  “But what about my booth?”

  “Forget that booth,” Tay said.

  “Yeah,” Seven joined in. “The guidance counselor is over there.”

  “Exactly,” Shae said. “Now come on.”

  “Oh, y’all just gon’ ignore me?” the DJ blasted into the mic, while pointing at us. The more he spoke, the more the crowd came alive. Everybody in Celebrity loved a skating crew challenge, even if the prize was nothing but bragging rights for the night.

  “Oh, they scared, y’all.” The DJ playfully antagonized us, then he pointed to another clique that was there to rep their hood. “They think The Play Girls gon’ kill ’em.”

  “Please,” I said. “Let’s just shut them down real quick and be on our way.” Tay gave the DJ the signal and Soulja Boy’s “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” started bumpin’.

  We skated to the middle of the floor with me and Seven in the center and Tay and Shae on each side. My series of gold bangles clapped together while we did every hip-hop dance you could think of. The crowd was going wild and people were clapping like crazy.

  Once we were done, we took a bow and returned to our assigned post. By the time the night ended, we’d won the skating challenge and 2008’s Senior Night had been the best ever.

  25

  “I got accepted!” Seven came in the house screaming at the top of her lungs, waving a letter in my face. “Spelman, here I come!” She grabbed me and started dancing around. “We’re going to Spelman—we’re going to Spelman.”

  “You got in!” my mother started to scream. “Yes!”

  “Did you get your letter?” Seven looked at me.

  “No.” I said, trying to hide my disappointment. “Besides, it’s okay. I may not be able to go away anyway. So it’s fine. I’m happy for you.”

  “Yours will be here soon,” my mother said, trying to reassure me.

  “Ma, it’s okay. Besides, I have Noah. How would I go to school in Georgia anyway? So please. It’s no sweat.”

  “Well, I was thinking—”

  Seven cut her off. “You’re not marrying Khalil, are you?”

  “No,” my mother said. “Just listen. You know I told you about my thoughts that we should move to Atlanta.”

  “Yeah,” me and Seven said simultaneously.

  “Well, not only did I get the transfer, but I also got offered a promotion.”

  “What?” I screamed. “Yes!”

  “Yeah! Ma!” Seven was excited. “That’s great. So we’ll be moving to Atlanta.”

  “We’ll be moving to Atlanta!”

  “When?” I asked.

  “When you finish school. Plus, I have to find us a house first.”

  “Ma, that’s wonderful. Well, look.” I smiled. “I’m going to bed now. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  Don’t ask me why, but I felt like a failure. Like I was never going to get out of the rut I was in. Besides, who was I fooling, thinking I would get into Spelman. My grades w
eren’t the best last year, so it is what it is.

  I slipped on mine and then Noah’s pajamas, cut the light off, placed Noah in his crib and got in the bed, and closed my eyes. I did what I could to be happy for my sister, then fell asleep.

  26

  Life was funny. It had a way of picking up and then, without warning, slowing down. It took me a while to get adjusted to the fact that Harlem was gone forever and that all I had left was the here and now—whatever the hell that was. Everyone had received their acceptance letters to Spelman except me, so I decided that when I got to Atlanta I would go to community college. And yeah, I was pissed and a large part of me was hatin’, but I guess it is what is and at least I’m honest about it.

  It was Christmas break and I was working the restaurant without Tay tonight. Her mother had already started packing her things for college, so she asked if I would take over her shift and I agreed—what else was there to do?

  After I completed my shift, I went home, gave my son a bath, and then got in the bed. I didn’t care that it was only seven-thirty.

  “Broke down!” Cousin Shake yelled as he opened my door. “Here, some mail came for you.” He tossed it onto my bed. I reached over to my nightstand and cut my lamp on. My eyes scanned the envelope for the sender’s address and I saw an H. Simms, Atlanta GA…H. Simms?…Oh my God—Harlem. I opened the letter so fast, it’s a wonder the envelope didn’t give me paper cuts.

  “Wassup Pretty Girl?” his letter read. I had to read that line again. “Wassup Pretty Girl? I hope you don’t mind me writing this letter to say wassup to you. I started to call but then I didn’t feel like you tossing me to the left and I’d rather hold on to the hope that we’ll be together again. I know you may not believe it, but my mother felt really bad about what happened that day you came to our house. How are Noah and the rest of your family? Was hoping that I was still your prom date, but it is what it is. Hollah back! Love always, Harlem.”

  I held the letter to my chest as if my heartbeat would make Harlem appear. I wiped my eyes, pulled out a pen and paper and wrote him a letter back. “Harlem, I’ve missed you for what feels like forever. I thought that I would never hear from you again, and I was so excited when I got your letter that I didn’t know what to do. I think about you every day and I don’t know what else to say really other than I miss you. And I hope to see you soon. My prom date hasn’t changed. And I still love you. Toi.”