The Omega's Dearest Baby

by Louise Bourgeois

  Cedric had pulled faces at the dinner when she had begun preparing it, bemoaning the absence of the unbearably hot TexMex cooking Ella specialized in, replaced by roast chicken, salad and rice, until Ella had pointed out the Noah had enough problems with his body already without having to survive her burritos too.

  Ben appeared, said, “Hi Cedric,” opened the fridge to take out a soda, then disappeared again. Vincent was next into the kitchen, laughing at something Ella had said, greeting Cedric.

  Then Noah appeared, and Cedric found himself unable to take his eyes off him. His curls were long and wild, face so full and plump that his cheekbones had disappeared. Cedric’s eyes dropped to his belly, obviously pregnant now, baby up to his ribs.

  Noah kissed Cedric on the cheek, and Cedric hugged him. Noah’s breasts pressed against Cedric’s chest and his cheek was smooth against Cedric’s. Noah pulled back and said, “What do you think? Hell of a change, right?” and his voice was still recognizably Noah’s just without the deeper notes.

  Cedric shook his head disbelievingly and said, “You’re gorgeous.”

  Noah kissed his cheek again. “Fuck off, Cedric,” Noah said good naturedly, before he leant over the pot of soup and sniffed approvingly.

  Ella returned and slapped Noah on the hip. “Get out of my kitchen. I know all about you and food.”

  At dinner, Cedric, Vincent and Ella chatted and ate, and Ben and Noah seemed to be locked into some kind of race to see who could clear their plates first. Ella absent-mindedly swatted Ben’s hands away from the platter of leftover chicken when he reached for it, and pushed it towards Noah.

  While Ben cleared the plates away and Ella carried the coffee to the table, Cedric was surprised to see Noah wince and push his chair back from the table. He winced again and stood in a hurry, and Vincent looked up at him and said, “Baby on the move?”

  Noah nodded, and Vincent was beside him in a moment, pressing his hands against Noah’s belly. “Shhh,” he said, and Cedric couldn’t work out if he was soothing Noah or the baby.

  Noah grabbed at the wall with one hand and clutched at the baby with his other, his face suddenly pale, and Cedric stood and steadied Noah with his hands.

  “Come and sit down, see if that helps,” Vincent said, and he and Cedric guided Noah into Ella’s den and helped him lower himself into an armchair.

  Ella asked, “Is there anything you need?” to Vincent in a worried voice, and Noah pulled his T-shirt up over the bulge of his belly and rubbed at it with his hands as tears squeezed out of the corner of his eyes.

  “Can you ring a towel out in really hot water?” Vincent said quietly, as he squatted beside Noah and caught at his hands, pulling them away from his belly.

  The skin of Noah’s belly rippled as the baby squirmed, sharp edges of elbows and knees pressing up against the skin, and Noah groaned, "Oh, fucking hell."

  Behind Cedric, Ben said, “Wow! Look at it move!”

  Ella pushed past Cedric, saying, “Ben, back off,” and handed Vincent a steaming towel.

  Vincent shook the towel quickly, draped it over Noah’s belly, then pressed his cheek against Noah’s face.

  Noah wrapped his arms around Vincent’s neck and clung onto him, and Cedric felt Ella slide her arm around his waist and pull him away, back towards the kitchen.

  “Does that happen often?” Cedric asked her as she began to scrape plates. Ben sat down at the table again and pulled the platter of chicken towards himself.

  “Too often. It scared me witless the first time I saw it.” She shook her head. “He’s been offered some sedation for him and the baby, but he’s determined to tough it out. I don’t know that I could.”

  “How much longer has he got to go?”

  Ella shrugged. “Technically he’s due in December. Realistically the baby will be born before then. I took him to one of his appointments when Vincent had to fly to New York. His obstetrician is infuriatingly cheerful. Give me a morose doctor any day."

  The back door slammed, and Vincent appeared in the kitchen.

  "Noah alright?" Cedric asked.

  Vincent nodded, taking another beer out of the fridge. "Yep. He's now a in a vile temper though." He flicked the blinds at the kitchen window open for a moment and Cedric peered through the gap. Noah was standing the middle of the backyard, his back to the windows, resentment obvious in the set of his shoulders.

  Ella patted Vincent on the shoulder and pushed past him, calling out, "Ben, I can see you," as she left.

  Through the blind, Cedric could see Ella walk up to Noah and wrap her arms around him, and he leant his head on her shoulder.

  Vincent watched too. "They get together and have cozy 'Vincent is a bastard who got me pregnant' chats. Can you imagine that?"

  Cedric shook his head at the thought of Mel and Amy doing anything like that. "Ouch."

  Ella came back in after a few minutes and propped herself against the counter beside Cedric. "He wants a cigarette. Anybody brave enough to go and give him one?"

  Vincent rubbed the stubble on his chin with one hand. “I’d better go and talk to him.”

  ***

  Noah was waiting by the door when Ella came back downstairs from dropping Ben off. He took her arm and pulled her into the dusty formal living room, stacked with boxes of Noah's belongings.

  "Ella," he said anxiously. "I need your advice."

  Ella sat down on a large packing box and said, "Sure. What can I do for you?"

  He pulled at his T-shirt a little nervously. "Umm, I'm leaking a bit. I don't know what to do about it."

  "Leaking? Colostrum?"

  Noah nodded earnestly.

  "You need to wear a bra, honey, and maybe some nursing pads."

  Noah shook his head. "Christ, no, I can't do that!"

  Ella tipped her head to one side while Noah felt more and more uncomfortable. "Because the tattered remnants of your masculinity won't let you?"

  Noah nodded defeatedly. "I really don't think I can do that. I've been able to cope with most things, but I don't think I can make myself wear a bra." He shuddered a little.

  Ella's gaze was speculative. "I don't mean anything with lace and wire and flowers. What about an exercise bra?"

  Noah looked blankly at her, and she quirked an eyebrow at him, and lifted the front of her shirt up, displaying a large bust firmly covered in plain black material.

  "Christ, Ella, you can't do that to me!" Noah exclaimed, as she laughed and pulled her shirt down again.

  "That's an exercise bra. Think you might manage to wear that?"

  Noah looked dubious, and she leant forward and patted his arm. "You're going to need something, love."

  He nodded reluctantly. "Can you buy me one?"

  "I can't. I have no idea what size you are. You need to come with me."

  Noah crossed his arms defensively. "I can't, you know that."

  Ella's eyes narrowed a little. "Have you looked at yourself recently?"

  Noah looked even more stubborn. "No. It creeps me out."

  Ella nodded. "No one would know you out of context now. Will you let me try something?"

  When Noah nodded she pulled at the scarf tied around her neck and stood up, wrapping it around Noah's head and pulling his curls back before tying it. Noah looked unhappy, and she reached into the bag slung over her shoulder. She rummaged around and brought out a lipstick.

  "No fucking way!" he said in horror.

  "It's a role, Noah. Now hold still or you'll look like a clown."

  He glowered at her, but held still, and she finished and stood back. "Good thing I'm having a ‘fem’ day myself. Come and have a look at yourself."

  She pulled him into the hallway where a mirror hung close to the front door and turned him around so he could see himself.

  Noah blinked and stared at the person in the mirror. This wasn't him at all. It was the woman he might have been.

  Ben shouted, "Dad! Dad! Come quick!" from the other end of the hallway, his eyes wide wit
h surprise, then he began laughing.

  There was a thunder of footsteps down the stairs and Vincent skidded around the corner on the tiles.

  Noah turned to face Vincent. "One word, Vincent. One fucking word, and I'm walking out that door."

  Ella pushed past Noah and grabbed Ben's arm, dragging him down the hall to the family room, his protests audible through the house.

  Vincent shook his head, lips firmly together and reached out and took Noah's hand in his.

  "I'm still me inside. If you can't see that, then I shouldn't be here," Noah said, pulling his hand free.

  Hurt filled Vincent's eyes. "Is that what you think of me?"

  Noah took a shuddering breath in and shook his head, then he was in Vincent's arms. "No, no of course I don't."

  "What's wrong? Can you tell me?"

  "Ella flashed me... and I look like a woman... and Ben was laughing at me... and he scared you by calling out, I could hear that by the way you were running..."

  Vincent stroked Noah's back. "Ella flashed you?" he said disbelievingly and Noah nodded against his neck.

  "Well, I rather suspect Ella is giving Ben a thorough telling off right now, so I don't think he'll do that again.” He paused and pulled back, looking at Noah again. “She flashed you?” Noah nodded again, returning his head to Vincent’s chest. “I can't imagine Ella would flash you without a good reason either. Why did you let Ella pull your hair back if you didn't want her to?"

  Noah's voice was small against Vincent's neck. "I need to go out, buy things, and Ella thought no one would recognize me."

  "They won't." Vincent rubbed his hand across Noah's back. "Out of context, no one would know who you are."

  Ella's voice was rising in the background, and Noah cringed mentally. He didn't envy Ben one bit, not once Ella got wound up. Vincent’s hands were on Noah’s shoulders, and Noah expected words of reassurance. Instead, he found himself pushed roughly back against the wood paneling, and Vincent’s mouth was hot against his ear.

  “After the baby is born, after you’re back to being you, I’m going to be on my hands and knees on our bedroom floor, begging you to fuck me,” Vincent whispered. “My body remembers you, even if yours doesn’t.”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Ella watched Noah struggle to fit the seat belt under his belly, waiting before she started the car. “Have you got things ready for the baby?”

  Noah shrugged. “No, we haven’t even cleared out the spare room yet.”

  Ella raised an eyebrow at him before reversing out the driveway.

  “It seemed like bad luck or something to buy anything too soon.” Noah said defensively, “And I thought I’d wait ‘til my mom got here, and she could help me choose things.”

  Ella flicked her eyes down at Noah’s belly, then turned her indicator on to turn left at the end of the street. “And how close are you to having the baby? I can assure you if it arrives tomorrow you won’t feel at all like getting organized when you get home from hospital.”

  Noah frowned a little and ran a hand over the bulge of the baby, feeling it squirm inside him. “Sandra said it’ll be soon. She’s just waiting for the baby to get as big as it can before she delivers it.”

  “Let’s get some basic things for it today then. And a couple of maternity shirts for you too.”

  Noah looked down at the way the college logo on Vincent’s T-shirt was stretched out of shape. “Yeah, no telling how much bigger I’m going to get.”

  ***

  The baby store completely bewildered Noah. Ella patted his shoulder and said quietly, "It's not that difficult. I'll help you choose. First of all, the big stuff. A stroller. You're both tall, so you want one that has an adjustable handle."

  Noah jiggled the handle of one of the display strollers experimentally and Ella shook her head. "Not a light colored one.” She turned to another and added, “The three wheeled ones look good, but they're a nuisance to have inside the house. No good if you're trying to rock a teething baby to sleep."

  In the baby clothes section, Ella asked, "What color clothes have you planned on getting? Do you actually know what sex the baby is, and just haven't told anyone?"

  Noah shook his head. "No. Sandra won't do prenatal sexing, no matter how clear the ultrasound is." He sat down tiredly on one of the chairs the store provided. "And, under the circumstances, it just would’ve been wrong to try and find out. How could I justify gendering the baby before it was even born?"

  Ella nodded. “Green and yellow baby clothes then.”

  ***

  At the Wal-mart checkout, Ella leant forward across the trolley, resting her weight on it, and Noah picked up a magazine from the racks beside the checkout. After many months of managing to ignore the press and the internet, he had no idea what was happening in the tabloids. He flicked it open and found himself looking at a photo spread of his ex-girlfriend with a banner reading ‘Model Kaycie and singer Tony in love’. He felt cold all a sudden.

  The photos were of Kaycie and Tony Reeves at some celebrity bash or other, holding hands, or arms around each other. Down the corner of the page was a small photo of Kaycie and himself taken a while ago. He looked tired in the photo, worn out and ill from struggling with being pregnant and not knowing it he now realized. The caption read ‘Kaycie has found love at last after her heartbreak when her last partner, Noah Wallis, succumbed to addiction.’

  “No,” Ella said gently but firmly, taking the magazine out of his hands. “No tabloids at the checkout.” She glanced at the pages Noah had it open at, then at Noah’s pale stricken face. “C’mon, love, through the checkout then we’ll sit down.”

  ***

  Noah sat with his face in his hands while Ella ordered coffees from the waitress. When the waitress had gone, she slid her hand across Noah’s shoulders. “How are you?” she asked worriedly.

  Noah took a deep breath and dropped his hands. “I’m alright, really. I just hadn’t expected…” He paused and shook his head, muttering, “Christ, I knew she was ambitious, but that’s really moving up the food chain.”

  Ella was looking at him closely when he finally met her eyes. “I really am alright. Honest. It’s just creepy. I’m sure she really thought she loved me, but that obviously hasn’t stopped her from making a more careful choice this time.”

  Ella nodded. “A romantic pragmatist is a dangerous person. They can rationalize anything, and still want a white wedding with flowers on the cake. You’re much better off with Vincent. He’s a sentimental old freak at times, and a bit of a loose cannon, but he is kind.”

  Noah smiled at Ella. “That’s how Cedric described you, as kind.”

  Ella crinkled her eyes in a movement that Noah knew so well from Cedric. “Did he?” she said, and her voice sounded pleased.

  Their coffees arrived, and Ella stirred sugar into hers. “I’ve had this theory for a while that you and I must have similar taste in lovers, because we’ve both succumbed to Vincent’s dubious and under washed charms.” She took the spoon out and licked it, then added, “but I can’t see how Kaycie fits into it. She looks like a peroxided stick insect. Does she ever eat?”

  Noah spluttered his coffee. “Christ, Ella!” He thought for a moment. “Nothing with any carbohydrates, or fats. If it’s got nutritional value, she won’t touch it. And what on earth made you think you and I would have similar tastes?”

  “I think the evidence is in our children having the same father.”

  Noah shook his head. “Sorry, but I’m pregnant because a condom broke. This is not some grand love affair.”

  Ella looked skeptical. “Odd, that’s how Ben was conceived. Are you telling me you never lusted after Cedric?” Noah shook his head, and Ella continued, “I was stunned when I met him because all Vincent had ever said about Cedric was that he was morose, drank too much and had been divorced three times. Vincent seemed to think the first two were directly connected to the third. Nothing about what Cedric was actually like.”

  Noah gave i
n to his curiosity. “Did Vincent say anything about me?”

  “Nothing much, other than you were beautiful, with a reckless streak. There was, however, something about the way he said it. I’ve been on the receiving end of those smiles myself.” She took a sip of her coffee. “I must admit, until Vincent told me about you and the baby, I had always assumed it was unrequited. Thought you had brushed him off, perhaps because you were straight, and that he hadn’t got over it yet.”

  Noah drank from his coffee, trying not to be too pleased with Ella’s words and decided changing the subject looked like being a very good idea. “Peroxided stick insect? You think so?” he asked.

  ***

  Ben was in the kitchen making a sandwich when Vincent dropped the first load of groceries on the bench. “Get the rest in for me please,” he said.

  Ben nodded, pushed the fridge door closed and reached for a plate.

  “How’s Noah been?” Vincent asked him.

  “He’s been in the hot tub the whole time, singing away.” Ben dropped his voice. “And playing the same CD over and over again.”

  Vincent laughed out loud, he couldn’t stop himself. “Wait until I tell your mom about this. I know that you have exactly seven songs on your play list. You can’t complain if Noah plays one CD over and over. Now, go and get the shopping in before the ice cream melts.”

  Vincent could hear Noah singing away on the back deck as soon as he pushed the sliding door from the family room open. He was sitting in the hot tub, pump off so the water was still, eyes closed, head tipped back on a folded towel, CD player blaring beside him.

  Vincent reached across and turned the volume down, then sat on the edge of the tub and Noah opened his eyes. “Hey there.”

  “Hey yourself,” Vincent said. “So how’s your day been?” He leant forward and rubbed the bulge of Noah’s belly. “And how’s our Junior Action Man?”

  “If we have a girl, I am fuckin’ gonna tell her you used to call her that. And Junior Action Man has worn himself out by alternating between going for some sort of speed record doing laps of the tub, and trying to kick its way to freedom, and is now blissfully asleep.” Noah placed his hand over Vincent’s, and the baby twisted a little underneath the pressure. “I’ve been singing a lot and demanding that Ben keep me supplied with food, hence the soggy crisps floating in the tub.”