Jared made sure to make some noise as he walked in but Kate didn’t turn from her spot. He took his time getting a cup down from the cupboard and filling it. Finally he shuffled over to the breakfast nook and sat down across from Kate.
"Somethin’ wrong?" Jared asked as he lifted the cup to his lips.
Kate turned to look at him briefly. She didn’t appear mad or even upset, but there was an emotion in her eyes, on her face, that Jared just couldn’t pinpoint. "There’s nothing wrong. Just kind of a down day. Hard to believe it was so nice yesterday."
"I know but that’s par for the course around here. Good thing we had the picnic last night and didn’t plan it for today."
Kate just nodded and took a sip of her coffee. Jared felt frustration build inside him. An air of melancholy surrounded Kate, and he had no idea how to pierce it. Silence seemed to be what she wanted most so Jared left her to it and went to his office. She didn’t even seem aware of the fact he’d left the room.
The whole day passed in much the same way. If it were any other woman, Jared would have assumed she was sulking about something but it wasn’t that way with Kate. She spent time with him and the kids. She helped to entertain them when they couldn’t go outside to run off their energy. She did it all with a smile but one that didn’t quite reach her eyes. Something troubled her, Jared had no doubt about that, but he hadn’t the faintest idea what it was.
In bed that night she came willingly into his arms and when they woke the next morning, the mood seemed to have vanished. Just as the sun was once again in the sky, Kate was back to normal. Jared could only shake his head. Women! Who understood them? Certainly not him.
*****
Jared waited for the mood to return sometime over the next few days but it never did. Kate seemed to be back to her old self. Jared could only breathe a sigh of relief and hope that whatever had caused her upset didn’t return any time soon.
"Uncle Jared?" Amelia spoke softly from the doorway of the library.
Jared smiled at her and motioned her to come in. "What’s up, honey?"
Amelia came around the desk and stood next to his chair. She nervously fingered a paper on his desk. "I was wondering if I could have an advance on my allowance."
Jared leaned back in his chair. "An advance, huh? What’s the reason?"
"Suzie, she’s a friend of mine, is having a birthday. Some of her other friends and I want to buy her a present. She doesn’t have much and never says anything about it, but I know she really wants a new jacket. It’s one like the rest of us have. We decided to go in on the gift for her since none of us can afford to buy it ourselves. Melanie’s mom will buy it for us."
"That sounds really nice of you and your friends. I’m sure Suzie will appreciate it." Jared pulled out his wallet and looked inside. "Let’s go ask your aunt for money. I don’t have any cash on me."
They found Kate in the kitchen helping Candy with her letters. "Kate, do you have any cash? I’m going to give Amelia an advance on her allowance."
Kate looked up and nodded. "My purse is next to the telephone. I think there’s some in there."
Jared found the purse and pulled Kate’s wallet out. He found the bill he wanted and handed it to Amelia. "I hope your friend enjoys her jacket."
"Thanks, Uncle Jared." Amelia gave him a hug before skipping out of the kitchen.
Jared was just closing Kate’s wallet when he spotted her driver’s license. He glanced at Kate, but her head was bent over Candy’s paper. He grinned as he lifted the license out. Most people’s pictures were lousy, and he had an overwhelming urge to see Kate’s.
In the end, it wasn’t the picture that captured his attention but her birthdate. Suddenly all the pieces fell into place. Saturday had been her birthday, her thirty-fifth birthday, and there had been nothing special for her. But he hadn’t known, Jared reminded himself. He would have planned something, if he’d known.
He cast another glance at Kate as he slipped the wallet back into her purse. He’d have to do something to remedy his lapse. But what? Ideas flitted through his mind as he made his way back to the library.
A few minutes later he decided what he’d do. Nothing super fancy but enough to let her know he cared. And would never miss her birthday again.
*****
Kate took a couple of deep breaths hoping to quiet her jangling nerves. She had no idea what this dinner out with Jared was all about. Of course her imagination had run wild imagining all kinds of things, both wonderful and not so wonderful. She had subtly pressed for more information but Jared had just grinned at her. That left her hoping it was a good reason for why it was just the two of them going out for dinner.
Darlene had showed up an hour ago to ride herd on the kids while Kate took the time to get ready. Not knowing where they were going, Kate had had a hard time deciding what to wear. Jared had told her it wasn’t super fancy which could mean absolutely anything.
She smoothed her hands over her hips and surveyed herself in the mirror. The long straight black skirt ended just at her knees and the deep burgundy silk blouse she wore was tucked in at the waist. Her clothes fit once again and didn’t hang off her like they had for the past few months.
With a final check of her makeup and hair, Kate slipped her feet into her high heel shoes and left the room. Jared waited downstairs for her, chatting with Darlene. He wore black trousers and a white shirt that accented his tanned features and dark brown hair.
He smiled when he saw her in the doorway. "Ready to go?"
Kate nodded then turned to Darlene. "Are you sure the kids aren’t going to be too much for you?"
Darlene hugged her close for a second. "Don’t you worry about a thing, Kate. Me and the kids will be fine. I raised four of my own so I think I know how to handle them. You just go and have yourselves a nice evening together."
"Okay, well I guess we’ll see you later." Kate said good-bye to each of the kids before they left.
The restaurant Jared had chosen was on an upper floor of a hotel so it had a marvelous view of the city. It was a subdued, romantic atmosphere and Kate felt her heartbeat pick up speed. Did Jared have something special to tell her tonight? It was hard not to hope but she tried to keep it under control since she knew that it might be nothing at all.
Kate discovered she didn’t have to wait long to find out why Jared had planned a special evening for them. After the waitress had taken their orders, Jared turned to her. "I suppose you are wondering what this evening is all about."
"Well, yes, I have been a bit curious," Kate admitted.
"Actually, we would have had this dinner out on Saturday if you’d told me then it was your birthday," Jared revealed.
Her birthday. Kate hadn’t even thought of that. There was no way Jared could have found out. "My birthday? How did you know it was on Saturday?"
"I sneaked a peek at your license when I was getting the money for Amelia. Why didn’t you tell me?" Jared asked, his brow furrowed. "We would have planned something for you."
Kate shrugged. "Exactly how was I to tell you? Oh by the way, it’s my birthday tomorrow?"
"Sure, that would have been fine. I knew something was wrong, even though you denied it but didn’t even think it was your birthday. At least now I know why you weren’t all that happy on Saturday. No fun to celebrate your birthday if no one else knows."
"I wasn’t feeling down because no one was celebrating my birthday. I only had myself to blame if that had been the case, since I hadn’t told you."
"So what had you so melancholy?" Jared leaned forward, bracing his forearms on the table, his blue eyes intently watching her.
"It’s not every day a girl turns thirty-five. I guess I was just reflecting on my life and what I’ve accomplished."
"And that was a reason to be down? It seems to me you’ve accomplished a lot in your life. Probably more than most people."
"It depends on what you view as accomplishments. Accomplishing a lot of things doesn’t seem to matt
er when your dreams have been neglected in the process. I often wonder where I’d be now if I hadn’t focused so much on my career, pushing aside my own dreams in order to fulfill my father’s."
"I can tell you that you most likely wouldn’t be here with me and the kids. You’d probably have a family of your own. I’m glad things worked out the way they did. If they were any different you might not have been available to help me and the kids."
"Maybe but then I’m sure you could have found someone to help you out. Someone more suited to what you want in a wife."
Jared’s gaze narrowed. "You are exactly what the kids and I need, Kate. I--"
The waitress’ return with their drinks and salad interrupted Jared. By the time she left, the moment was lost. Kate felt frustrated at the waitress’ untimely arrival. What had he been going to say?
Instead of pursuing whatever direction his thoughts had been taking earlier, Jared began to talk about his day at work. Kate did her best to respond without dwelling on what Jared might or might not have been about to say.
Once the meal ended, Kate was reluctant to leave the restaurant knowing they would be heading back home. She didn’t want their evening together to end. They approached the gleaming elevator doors across from the restaurant but instead of pushing the down button, Jared pressed the up one.
"Aren’t we going down?" Kate asked as the bell dinged and the doors slid open. She hesitated before stepping into the elevator.
Jared grinned at her. "Nope. As part of your present, we’re staying here overnight and spending tomorrow however you want. I was thinking Mall of America, but it’s your choice."
"But what about clothes?" Kate gestured to her dress. "I can’t wear this again tomorrow."
"Never fear. I packed a bag with some stuff for you. I came by and checked in earlier. Our bags are already up in the room."
The doors slid open again and Jared laid a hand on the small of her back as they exited the elevator. He directed her down the hall to their room. He opened it with the card key, and Kate gasped with delight.
The room was elegant and beautiful. More beautiful than any room she’d ever stayed in before. Jared had actually reserved a suite, and Kate spent the first five minutes exploring it. Jared followed her around, an indulgent look on his face.
Finally, her curiosity satisfied, Kate hugged Jared. "Thank you so much. I can’t believe you did all this."
Jared wrapped his arms around her waist and held her close. "It was my pleasure. You’ve worked so hard the past few months that you deserve a break. I’m sorry it’s so short. Maybe next time it can be a little longer.”
“It’s perfect,” Kate assured him. “I’m not sure I could handle being away from the kids for much longer than a day. I miss them already.”
“Do you want to call them?” Jared asked, running a finger over her brow to smooth the lines of worry there.
“You don’t mind?”
“Of course not. I’d like to talk to them too.”
As Jared placed the call, Kate wondered if they would be able to continue their conversation from earlier. She hoped so but in the end, it didn’t happen.
*****
A couple of hours later Kate lay in bed listening to Jared’s steady breathing. Sleep eluded her and rather than try any longer, Kate slid out from under the covers and went into the living room. The curtains were drawn over the sliding doors leading to the balcony. She didn’t bother to open them but slipped behind the curtains to open the doors to the balcony.
The city lay spread out before her, lights twinkling in the darkness. Kate leaned her arms on the hard, smooth surface of the railing and lifted her face to the soft night breeze.
How she wished things were simpler. There was no denying how confused she was. Part of her wanted to believe that Jared loved her. Why else would he have planned something so wonderful as time away in this beautiful hotel? But another part of her kept reminding her that overall, Jared was a nice guy and doing nice things was just part of his nature.
She knew he cared for her. If he hated her or even if he was indifferent to her, he wouldn’t do the things he did. But was it more than care? Kate didn’t know how they could be so close in one area of their relationship and so far apart in another. When she was in his arms she almost believed that he loved her. But when they were apart, all the doubts surfaced.
God, why can’t I just let this go? I’ve already given it to You, why do I keep taking it back into my hands again? Why can’t I just believe that You will work all this out for Your glory?
Kate dropped her head forward and stared at the cars on the street below. The breeze picked up and coolness swept over her skin. Kate rubbed her hands up and down her arms.
Sometimes she thought her heart was going to burst with all the love she kept there. She showered as much love as she could on the kids, but there was a part of it she had to hold back. A large part of it.
Kate rubbed a hand over her heart, the ache intensifying. Maybe if she had a child of her own, a baby that was part of her and Jared, she would have another outlet for her love. In loving Jared’s child she could love Jared. But it was clear he didn’t want another child. She’d thought he had mentioned having more kids, but now Kate wasn’t sure.
Kate almost cried out at the pain that thought brought. Would she never know the feeling of having a child grow within her? Of nurturing a child at her breast? Of looking at a child and seeing a bit of herself there? The ache spread from her heart to her womb. Kate’s hand followed and lay against the flat of her stomach. Would it ever swell as her child grew within her?
A tear splashed on her hand as Kate stared down at herself. She shouldn’t be crying tonight. She shouldn’t be having such morose thoughts. She should be happy that her husband, who cared for her, had planned such a special time for her. It was selfish to want more.
Kate lifted her hand to wipe away the tears on her cheeks. This was the way she’d felt on her birthday. Melancholy and wanting more instead of being happy for what she did have which was far more than she’d had just a year ago.
Resolutely Kate straightened her shoulders and took one last look at the city before turning to go back into the suite. She didn’t see Jared standing there until she bumped into him.
Kate lifted her hands to steady herself and felt his bare chest smooth and hard beneath her fingers. She stared at it for a couple of seconds before looking up to meet his gaze. In the darkness she couldn’t read his expression.
“What’s wrong, Katie?” Jared asked, his voice deep and husky.
Chapter Nine
Kate felt her heart skip a couple of beats. For a brief instant she wondered what would happen if she asked Jared if he loved her. But just as quickly Kate decided she wasn’t sure she was ready to hear the answer he might give.
Summoning up a smile, Kate gently laid her hand on Jared’s cheek. She wished he could feel the love in her touch because it was only in moments like these that she could show what was in her heart, even if she couldn’t tell him.
“Just out here thinking what a thoughtful, caring man you are.” Kate felt the muscles beneath her fingertips shift as he smiled.
“I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.” Jared pulled her close. “Tomorrow we’ll have even more fun. I’ve got my credit card all warmed up so we can do some serious shopping if that tickles your fancy.”
“Hmm, a credit card and permission to shop.” Kate worked to lighten her tone. “What more could a woman ask for?” They stood for a few more minutes together then turned to go back into the suite.
Jared lived up to his word the next morning. They slept in a bit but then headed off to the Mall of America. Kate pushed away the worries and thoughts of the night before and just concentrated on having a good time with Jared. They walked all over the mall, stopping to do a little shopping at stores that caught their interest. The day was relaxing and carefree for both of them and it was with a bit of reluctance that they headed home.
The kids burst out of the house as soon as Jared pulled up. Kate hurried to embrace them. Even though she wouldn’t have traded a minute of her time alone with Jared, Kate was glad to be back with the children.
Darlene had a delicious meal ready for them but declined the invitation to stay. “You just spend time together as a family. The kids missed you both.”
Dinner was a loud time as each of the older kids had something to share. Kate caught Jared’s glance and they both smiled. This was what it was all about. Kate felt a twinge of guilt at being so greedy. The kids loved and needed her. Jared cared for her. It was so much more than she had ever dreamed of having in recent years. It was surely more than she deserved, she just needed to be grateful for what she had.
*****
Dani woke cranky and feverish the next morning. Kate told Jared she was sure it wasn’t anything serious but didn’t feel comfortable exposing the other babies in the nursery to whatever Dani had in case it was contagious. Jared agreed and took the three older children to church but left Kate at home with Dani.
They were running late so missed Sunday school but made it in plenty of time for the service. Jared had never attended church without Kate before, and he prayed the kids would behave. Especially Bry. They sat down in a pew near the back in case he had to make an exit with one of them. The service hadn’t even started and already Bry was shifting restlessly in his seat.
"Amelia?" Jared recognized the young woman speaking to his niece but couldn’t put a name to her face. "Aren’t you supposed to be junior helper in the nursery today?"
"Oh! I forgot." Amelia stood up and turned to Jared. "I’m supposed to help in the nursery, Uncle Jared. Aunt Kate usually reminds me. She must have forgotten since Dani was sick this morning."
"That’s fine. You go ahead. I’ll meet you out front after the service."
Amelia hurried after the young woman and then it was just him, Bry and Candy. Great, Jared thought wryly, he’d just lost the most well behaved one of the bunch.
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