The tone lightened with each subsequent game, and their games continued to finish as draws. By the fifth game, they were joking a lot, chatting nonstop, and barely focused. And in the sixth game everything seemed hysterical, and anything was more interesting than the game, which sat unfinished for over an hour as they talked.
Eventually Kira reached down to put the game away and Caythis suddenly made his move. “Your turn, go.” He’d thought of this strategy much earlier, when they first started neglecting the game. He'd made a special effort to remember what her exact pieces were as best he could, glancing back at the board from time to time.
“What? I thought the game was over.”
“Nope,” he pointed. “See, it’s not finished."
“Oh all right,” she said and made a move that seemed random, like she didn’t even remember her own pieces. “This is stupid.”
Caythis smiled and made another move. Six moves later the game was over, he’d won. “Well played,” he said.
“Oh stop gloating, that was a cheap shot and you know it.”
“No it wasn’t. I never said I stopped playing. We just took a break, but the game was still there.”
“Okay, okay, fine. You... win.”
“Excellent, that’s two wins.” He raised two fingers. Her scowl made him smile. “So how about that shoulder massage?”
“Yeah, yeah, a deal’s a deal,” she said. “I’ll go get Jaden to give you that shoulder massage.”
“What? Jaden?”
“Yeah,” Kira tried not to smile. “I said you’d get a shoulder massage didn’t I?”
“I don’t want a shoulder massage from Jaden.”
She laughed. “Oh, did you think it would be from me,” she smirked. “That was stupid of you, I never said I was going to give you a shoulder massage. Just that you’d get one.”
“Hmm. Good point. Very well, let’s call it a draw then.”
“That’s more like it,” she smiled.
“But I’m still up one nothing.”
16
He stood before them at last. They looked upon him. Unsure what to think. He wanted to flinch, to hide, to flee, but he could not escape what he’d done. He’d failed. The greatest among them. The surest to rise above the stars. The favorite. The prodigy. He’d broken. And no one could understand why. Him least of all. Life made no sense now. He wished he’d never been born.
***
Caythis read the last page and set the book on the table. It was a fiction book, simple, predictable and cliché. But it had been fun for a few days to escape his surroundings and live the life of someone else. Experience the problems of another and follow them through to their happy ending.
Life wasn’t so simple. It didn’t always end for the best, and rarely wrapped itself up with a bow. Perhaps that's what made the whole reading experience worthwhile. Finding closure through fantasy where none exists in reality. He wanted that kind of happy ending. To “live happily ever after,” whatever that meant.
He was in a luxurious suite. Still unable to go outside, but it was a huge upgrade from the sterile environment he’d been in. This place had color and personality, art hung on the walls, and the furniture was actually comfortable.
Despite the luxury, he still felt like a prisoner. He caught himself staring out the windows for large periods of time. At night he gazed up into the black sky dotted with stars and wondered, time and again, if he were even significant at all.
The only thing keeping him from insanity was regular visits from Kira. It was all he looked forward to when he got up. She came several times a day and sometimes stayed for hours. This time, though, she didn’t come alone. A young boy followed her in, it was Gavin. He had his sister’s same strength and regal posture but his hair was curly and blond.
“Hello,” said Gavin. His freckles and messy hair betrayed his youth, but he held himself like a king, and he gave Caythis the same vibe of maturity that Kira did. That this boy had seen and experienced more than anyone his age should ever have to.
“Hi,” Caythis said. He pulled out chairs for them.
“I thought you’d want to meet the boy you helped save,” said Kira.
“I already know you,” said Gavin. “But thanks.”
Caythis wasn’t sure what to say. He wanted to ask Gavin about his time with the enforcers. What they’d done, things they’d said. How they’d treated him. But he knew Kira would not approve. And now that Lucida’s regime had fallen, it was probably better to keep such things in the past. So he kept it simple.
“Did your sister tell you I beat her pretty bad at Sune again the other day?”
“No,” Gavin said with a laugh.
“What?” Kira sounded surprised. “No, I won that game.”
“Did you really beat her bad?”
“Oh yeah,” said Caythis. “Like six times in a row, and don’t let her tell you otherwise.”
Gavin looked from Caythis to Kira with a big smile. “She always wins.”
“Not always,” said Caythis. “And don’t you forget it.”
Kira shook her head. “He’s lying.” She tousled Gavin’s hair and continued. “He’s crazy,” she said, pointing at Caythis. “Being locked away gives him delusions. It’s really quite sad.”
The visit lasted about half an hour before Gavin grew completely bored and excused himself to go clean his room. He was polite, despite being terrible at making excuses.
“He’s a nice kid,” said Caythis. “A class act. Most fourteen year olds would be breaking windows or hitting each other with sticks. I know that’s what I did.”
“He’s quiet, but he’s smart, and I love him. He really is nice, like you said. Just like Mom and Dad. Not sure where I missed the boat,” she laughed.
He felt a slap of guilt at the mention of her parents, knowing that he’d failed to protect them. He tried not to dwell on it. “Are you saying you’re not nice? Is this a confession? Where’s a voice recorder when I need one.”
Kira smiled. “I always was the wild and rebellious one in my family.”
Caythis’ eyes grew wide. “Really? You’re the wild one? Is this your stand-up comedy routine?”
“There really is so much about me that you don’t remember,” her voice was a little sad. “Gavin really is exactly how I imagine our dad at that age. All grown up before he could even have a childhood.” She looked nostalgic, her eyes focused on nothing in particular.
Caythis felt that wave of guilt again, but he didn’t hide from it this time. “You really do miss them, don’t you?”
“Oh yes,” she said. Her voice was gentle and bittersweet, but showed neither anger nor weakness. “Every single day.”
Caythis felt even worse. “I’m sorry I made you think about it. I’m sure this is something you try to forget.”
“No, don’t be sorry,” she looked at him with wide, honest eyes. “This isn’t something I try to forget, this is something I try to remember. Mom and Dad live still—in us, in me and Gavin. In everything they taught us, every minute we spent together. In everything they wanted us to be.” She paused. “In every memory I have, they’re still alive. As long as I can remember them.”
“But isn’t it painful to remember?” He thought of his own past, so invisible to him. Faces of people he no longer knew, images of strangers dying. People he would otherwise mourn but didn’t because he couldn’t even remember their names. Letting him feel no pain. Only emptiness.
“Obviously it’s painful, but that’s what makes it real. And there are a lot more feelings there than just pain.”
“Don’t you want the pain to go away? To numb? To heal?”
“Going numb is never the same as healing. And no I don’t want to lose my pain. I need my pain. It motivates me. It makes me strong. It forces me to remember something I hope I’ll never forget. And that is to cherish everything I have now. And make today matter.”
Caythis was moved, but a little surprised. How could Kira have such strength? It se
emed almost inhuman to him. What was driving her?
“It motivates you?” he asked. “To kill Rigil?”
"What?” Kira sounded shocked. “No. Not at all.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you want him to pay for what he’s done?”
“Not revenge. Not more killing. More like... forgiveness. That was everything my parents believed in. Hope, long-suffering, and getting past our differences. I believe there's always a bright future, if we believe in it, even if it comes after a dark tunnel. I choose to believe in people.”
“Don’t you hate Rigil and Antares?”
“No, that would be too easy. I don’t hate people. I hate the choices they make. I hate the things they sometimes do. But I don’t hate people.”
“Why not?" He thought of Lucida and all the evil people he’d known. Willing to abuse and kill for their own pleasure and self-interest. How could he not hate them? "If it wasn’t for Antares and Rigil, your parents would still be alive. You’d be safe in your home at Citadel right this very second. You tell me you don’t hate Antares for burning a city to the ground? And you don’t hate Rigil for conquering your city and killing your parents? Is that really true?”
“Hate is something never to aspire for,” said Kira. “Hate... is like scratching a healing wound and pouring salt all over it. I need my pain. But I don’t need any hate. That’s too heavy a burden. Because if I carried it, if I hated Rigil every moment, spent every night awake in silent rage, trying to plot my revenge... I would never be happy. And I would betray everything my parents believed in. Which would kill them more than taking their lives ever did."
Caythis was almost speechless. Her words touched him, but they didn’t quite make sense. “So that’s it? The end? Rigil wins? He gets away with what he’s done? What about justice? What about retribution? What about setting things right?”
“You sound like Jaden,” she looked disappointed.
“But these are serious questions,” he said. “What about Citadel and the suffering people there? What about the future? Rigil has to be put down.”
“Rigil needs to be removed,” she admitted. “Because it’s the best thing for the people. That’s what makes it the right thing to do. Not because of hate or vengeance, there is a much higher reason than that. The battle to come is about helping the people who are left, not avenging the people who are gone. This isn’t about trying to make myself feel better. I found peace a long time ago.”
“Wow,” Caythis was utterly amazed by her conviction, and the passion glowing in her eyes. She truly was beautiful. And he wasn’t sure whether she was amazing or insane, or both.
“There are bad people out there,” he said. “Believe it or not, there are very bad people who murder for pleasure, and rape, and take without any rules holding them back. Some people are rotten to the core.”
Kira shook her head. “That’s looking at the world too simply. A wise person once told me that there are no bad people. Only good people who choose to do bad things.”
Caythis laughed darkly. “No offense, but that’s pretty naïve. What idiot said that?”
“You did,” she said, a dash of water gleamed in her eye. “It was one of the last things you ever told me before you left Citadel forever. You said to never forget it. And I never did. I’m sad to see that you’ve forgotten, because it’s something I believe in deeply.”
Caythis frowned. He trusted her, which meant he’d been the naïve one.
“What other choice would I have,” she asked, “except to forgive, and to hope? What else could I believe? That life is a nonstop war? That I should stay awake at night hating Rigil with every ounce of my soul? Wanting to kill him with my own two hands?”
“I don’t know, maybe,” he sighed. “That would be a more human reaction, I think.”
“No it wouldn’t. It would be much lower than that. Humanity means to become more, to aspire, to improve. To search upwards, dreaming of how to better ourselves by bettering each other. We want to progress, that is the deepest truth within us. That is the nature of our species.”
Caythis had nothing to say. Her words were powerful, and came easily. He felt like a philosophical oaf in comparison. But he wasn’t sure how far he agreed with her, even though part of him wanted to. He worried it was the same part that wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her this very minute. So he ignored it. Pushed it from his mind.
There was a peaceful silence for a while and Kira stared out the window. Eventually she spoke. “If I were to hate Rigil,” she said, “I would never be happy. And what is the purpose of life except to be happy?”
***
Several more days passed. He could tell from his view out the window, and from occasional reports from Dr. Erikson and others, that the war against the Rigilians was winding down. Most of the south was back in governmental control and the uprisings were fizzling in every borough. Caythis’ only regret was that he’d contributed nothing to the victory.
Yet, he didn’t feel as much like a prisoner as he had. He hated having his freedom limited, and had thought about running away more than once to get some fresh air, but it mattered less and less as Kira spent more and more time with him.
As much as he was afraid to admit it, he was growing increasingly attached to her. And the attraction was obviously mutual. It was an extremely welcome feeling, making him smile almost constantly—for the first time in a long time he felt warmth and purpose. Less like a survivor and more like a person. But that also made him sad. Because he knew it could not last. She was with Jaden. Where did that leave him?
He tried not to think about the details, and instead made an effort to relax. Keeping as clear a conscience as he could. But there were so many things he wanted to block from his mind, and so few memories to distract himself with. And ignoring his growing feelings for Kira was becoming impossible. He knew he’d have to talk to her about it eventually, even if it meant she couldn’t spend time with him anymore, she deserved to know the truth. And, together, they’d have to figure out what they were, if anything.
He loved Kira. He knew that. And he wanted her to be with whoever made her happiest. If that was Jaden, who she’d chosen before Caythis had ever meddled, then who was Caythis to disagree? To disrupt what the two of them had built together?
Severing his feelings wasn’t so easy and, the more he wanted to turn them off, the stronger they seemed. He felt like the worst person in the world for wanting, on some level, for Kira and Jaden’s relationship to fail. For her to become available and begin a romance with him. It was a vain, selfish, stupid hope. Yet that didn’t matter. He wanted her. And it drove him crazy. He couldn’t just walk away, even if he tried. She had breathed feelings into him that never before existed, and life without her lacked purpose. But, because he loved her, he wanted her to be happy. That’s what mattered most. Even if that meant what they were making would have to come to an end. The very notion upset him, but it seemed inevitable.
“... I’m almost to the funny part,” Kira was saying. “You might not think so, but if you were there you’d totally have died of laughter.” They were sitting together on his bed as she told her story. Caythis hadn’t really been listening, his mind had been elsewhere. Grappling with his emotions.
“Uh huh,” he said, nodding when appropriate.
“... and so I walked into the room, minding my own business, of course, well, okay, maybe I was a bit distracted with my thoughts. So I wasn’t looking where I was going and...”
“Uh huh.” Caythis felt an increasing level of guilt knowing that this whole time he’d been getting closer to Kira, Jaden had been away. Putting his neck on the line to defend the city. Fighting the war Caythis should have been fighting.
“And then the world exploded,” said Kira.
“Uh huh, and then what happened?” He was completely distracted. And he was having trouble finding the guts to even broach the subject. Yet, something inside him burned and he knew he had to point out the elephant in the
room. That these visits wouldn’t be able to last forever.
He was startled back to attention by the sound of snapping fingers in close proximity to his face. He followed them to Kira who was now standing. “You’re not even listening, are you?”
“Huh? Oh sure I was.”
She stood straight and put her hands on her hips. “Okay, what was the interesting thing that happened at dinner yesterday, that I was telling you about?”
“Um, that it was delicious?”
“Wrong, I wasn’t talking about dinner yesterday. I was telling you a funny story,” she looked at him perceptively. “Something’s wrong. What is it?”
“Nothing,” said Caythis. “And I’m sure your story was wonderful. I’m just… hungry. You know how I get when I’m hungry.”
“Don’t give me that,” she sat down next to him again, closer than before. Her face near his. “Something’s bothering you,” she gave him a sympathetic look. “What is it? Don’t make me guess.” Her lips curled into a smile.
Caythis wasn’t sure what to say. He could insist that nothing was wrong, but she’d never believe that. And his stomach was in knots already, it was best just to get everything out into the open and, whatever happened happened.
“Okay,” he said, clearing his throat. He reached out and grabbed her left hand, tracing her fingers with his. She didn’t resist. He stopped once he reached her ring. Then he looked into her eyes. “I really, really like you. But I need to know what your feelings are for Jaden? I’m sorry. I just have to know.”
She pulled her hand away. The laughter left her eyes and she looked down, twisted her ring. “I don’t love Jaden,” she said, wincing as she spoke. “I never really did.”
That was what Caythis wanted to hear most, even though it made him feel guilty. He wanted to smile but he bit his lip instead. Just because she wasn’t in love with Jaden didn’t mean she could be with Caythis instead.
“Then why the ring?” He looked into her eyes. “Why would you take it from someone you don’t love?”
Secrets of Silverwind Page 16