“I didn’t know I wasn’t in love,” she said, her head bowed. "I took his ring because I’d never had anyone before, and Jaden was there wanting to care for me. But...” She looked away. “Jaden and I don't work. I've known that for a while.”
Caythis nodded, then took her hand again and squeezed it. She looked back. “If that is how you feel,” he said gently, “then you need to tell him. And sooner is better than later. You owe him that.”
“I know,” she whispered. “But how can I? I mean, what can I say that won’t hurt him?”
“Nothing. You will hurt him no matter what. You just have to decide if you want to hurt him all at once, and get it over with, by telling him the truth now. Or if you want to hurt him a million times more by forcing him to learn, on his own, that your love is empty. And that you’re being dishonest with him, because you’re too scared to hurt him.”
She nodded but didn’t say anything. She squeezed his hand once and they shared a long peaceful silence.
“What do you think love is, Caythis?”
He considered that for a second, “I don’t know. But I’m starting to believe it’s this feeling where you think about someone all the time, and you smile whenever you see them. And you want them to be with you, no matter what you’re doing. And you miss them when they’re gone.”
She smiled and rested her head against his. “I think love is trust.” She closed her eyes, and he closed his. Enjoying the moment together. It was obvious she wanted a kiss, but did he dare? He leaned in, feeling her nose against his.
A loud pounding battered the door, they jumped apart instinctively as it opened.
Jaden entered.
Caythis felt like a thief caught in a police spotlight. “Hello,” he said.
Jaden had a sour expression on his face. Above his frown were several scratches and a few new scars. Caythis guessed Jaden had been cut by razor-wire, grazed by a bullet, and hit in the face with a blunt object, resulting in a black eye. These injuries made him seem extremely fierce.
“Dr. Erikson needs to see you. Now!” His voice was terse and he looked on the verge of exploding with rage. It made Caythis feel defensive—despite his guilt that he hadn’t helped fight the insurgents, and an even worse guilt that he’d fallen in love with his friend’s fiancé.
“How’s the war going?” asked Caythis, trying to sound friendly. “I understand that a lot of progress has been made.”
“Yeah, by some of us.” Jaden looked from Kira to Caythis, frustration in his eyes. “Now, you’d better get your ass to the courtyard. Dr. Erikson doesn’t like to be kept waiting.”
Caythis nodded and stood up.
Jaden reached out and took Kira’s hand, perhaps rougher than he meant to. She grimaced but did not resist, though she glanced at Caythis briefly. He looked back at her, then to Jaden. As if to tell her she needed to tell Jaden the truth. He folded his arms. Waiting to see if she’d speak up.
She didn’t.
She gave Caythis an apologetic look, and she was pale and stiff, but she allowed herself to be led by Jaden.
“Come on, Love,” said Jaden. “Let’s go eat dinner.”
“Jaden...” she said carefully, as they stepped out of the room.
“Yes?” They stopped.
“Never mind,” she looked away.
Kira shot one last regretful look at Caythis who shook his head. The door slammed behind them, but popped open a bit as it did.
“Actually, I’m not that hungry,” Kira could be heard.
“What?” Jaden sounded unhappy.
“I’m tired, I should get some sleep.”
“But you haven’t eaten all day.”
“I ate earlier with Cay... I ate earlier.”
“Why?” Jaden sounded irate. “Here I am risking my life every single day, far away from you, dodging bullets and fighting in the streets at all hours, just waiting to see you and… he’s just down here vacationing.”
“You can’t blame him for that!” The weakness in Kira’s voice vanished.
Caythis didn’t want to hear anymore, so he closed the door. Leaning his back against it, he sank down to the ground. And sat there for some time, eventually raising his head toward the ceiling. Why did he allow himself to be trapped down here so long? Why had he let himself become so helpless, when he could have done so much more out there. And avoided this whole mess.
But as much as he felt like he should, he couldn’t regret his feelings, or all the time he’d spent with Kira. She amazed him so much. But staying with her, especially if she couldn’t truly decide between him and Jaden, would only be painful. And Caythis couldn’t help feeling that he was more the problem than the solution.
17
The antechamber connected to the courtyard through several glass doors. Caythis pushed his way out into the brisk dusk air. The sun was setting over the tallest buildings to the west, spilling like an orange and burgundy tapestry over the sky. About a hundred feet away, Dr. Erikson stood next to Captain Grayson and Dr. Ferguson, discussing something. A few others, including soldiers, were spread throughout the courtyard but no one seemed particularly alert or tense. Manors Borough, and most of the city, had been secured.
Two soldiers stood-to and saluted him as he followed the cement pathway which cut through the landscaped gardens, a cobblestone path, fountains, and a wishing pond.
“Welcome, Caythis,” said Dr. Erikson.
“You look well,” added Dr. Ferguson.
“Thanks. I take it that means I’ve recovered enough to be a free man again.”
“Indeed you have,” said Dr. Erikson. “You’ve made a complete recovery and now you’re as good as new. And your armor has been mended.”
“Jaden said you wanted to see me.”
“Indeed. A few weeks ago, I told you that we’d need you again one day. Well, today is that day.”
“I see.” He wanted to help, to do something, but he wasn’t going to be their tool. He would only cooperate so long as he agreed with what they were doing, and the ultimate goal was liberating Citadel.
“You may be thinking that this is about the Rigilians. It’s not. That threat is nearly dissolved. Barring some kind of major incident that throws our process into disarray, their days are numbered. And it isn’t a large number.”
“So what is it about?”
“We have some intelligence that suggests that Rigil is interested in toppling the Silverwind government. If that happens, we’ll never have the forces we need to liberate Citadel. Lucida and Rigil had been cooperating just like we suspected. Apparently, he promised to ‘unleash hell’ upon us, to fan the flames of chaos, to expedite her takeover of the city.”
“She said something like that to me, before she died,” said Caythis. “That some kind of storm was coming that couldn’t be stopped. But nothing happened. Sure, the citizens revolted, the Rigilians had their moment, but Rigil himself wasn’t involved in any way. If he could hurt us, what’s he been waiting for?”
“I believe he’s been waiting for some kind of signal from Lucida. He hadn’t gotten word that she’s dead until recently. The question is, what will he do with that information? Their deal is nullified but does that mean he’ll ignore us? Or will he strike anyway? With less restraint perhaps, because he no longer need worry about protecting Lucida’s interests. I can’t imagine he will do nothing. He must know that, eventually, a stable Silverwind City will send forces to depose him.”
“Empty threats,” said Caythis. “Rigil barely has Citadel under his thumb and that city is hundreds of miles away. He can scarcely hope to assemble an army and march down here. What other threats does he have? Maybe smuggle in weapons and explosives? How would he find the right people to deliver them to? It doesn’t seem practical.”
“It’s much worse. Our agent in Citadel, before we lost contact with him, warned that Rigil has been discretely developing Skytechnology. Ways of transporting armies by air and, much worse, deadly weapons that could rain down upon us.
He could sit on his throne and watch, knowing we can’t retaliate. And hold every city hostage.”
“That’s why you gave me that book.”
“Exactly. It’s something we’ve suspected, and feared, for some time. But it was only confirmed a few days ago.”
“So what is Skyhaven going to do about it? They’re still technically at war with Citadel.”
“Nothing by themselves. Their parliament isn’t listening and their queen is even less help. They realize there is a threat but they doubt Rigil’s progress. They’re stubborn. They think it’s a war of attrition and that they’re winning.”
“Why would they think that?”
“Because there is a small epidemic going on in Citadel, it’s hit about fifteen thousand people and is spreading. A very complicated disease that came to this continent from Old World. Or else it was engineered by scientists for military purposes. No one’s really sure.”
“I hope it’s not the latter. That would be random, wanton butchery no less evil than Antares’ scorching of Andar,” said Caythis.
“The point is, the disease is contained in Citadel. Skyhaven has developed a preventative treatment and an antidote for it, in case it spreads, which they are willing to share with us and the small settlement of New Andar.”
“But they won’t share it with Rigil, will they?”
“Correct. They see it as leverage to help destabilize his city and make things more desperate. They think if things get a little bit worse, that will ultimately lead to them getting better.”
“Don’t they realize that the citizens of Citadel aren’t the problem? They’ve been oppressed for five years and now they’re being plagued with disease, and Skyhaven refuses to help?”
Dr. Erikson nodded. “I don’t agree with their decision, but I understand their logic.”
“I don’t. To me, withholding aid seems just as bad as causing harm.”
“Irrelevant. Skyhaven has made up its mind. They won’t even speak to Rigil. They don’t recognize his government as legitimate and so they won’t have anything to do with him.”
“Why not? If they don’t recognize Rigil as the legitimate leader of Citadel, then who do they recognize? It would have to be Kira, I guess. The heir to the throne. Maybe she can ask them to share the cure.”
“No. Because she’s in exile, they don’t recognize anyone. They see Citadel as a state of anarchy and, until proper order is restored—one consistent with the Codes of Coalition—they won’t agree to any diplomacy.”
“That’s insane.”
“That’s reality,” said Dr. Erikson.
“So I take it my job is to go convince them to change their mind. Wouldn’t Kira’s royal blood and superior diplomacy be more effective than anything I could do?”
“Your name carries a great deal of weight there since you were a champion-elect at their academy and you slew Antares. However, no, that’s not the mission. Skyhaven may be unwilling to negotiate with Rigil, or hand over the cure, but they are willing to participate in a military operation to remove Rigil from power.”
“That’s no surprise,” said Caythis. “But didn’t we agree that we need forces from Silverwind too, and anyone that can be spared from New Andar, to have any hope of success? I mean, Citadel’s a veritable fortress and our intelligence on Rigil is spotty at best.”
“Yes, that’s true. So your mission is two-fold. You must help organize the overall strategy with Skyhaven’s military, and you must seek out assistance from New Andar. Anyone they can spare. This might be our only chance, so we need to throw everything we possibly can at Rigil.”
“I don’t know if I’m comfortable representing Silverwind at the military table. I don’t know what kind of forces we have, what my authority to deploy them will be, and—”
“Don’t worry, you don’t represent Silverwind. Jaden does. Emon-Zed is going along as well, to represent the local enforcer Combine. You will be a neutral advisor with incredible political weight. As I said before, your name isn’t thrown around lightly and your opinions will not be ignored.”
“Is anyone else from the District coming?”
“No. We are sending a small group. The three of you and whatever aids you may need during the negotiation.”
That meant Kira was staying behind. If he went, he wouldn’t see her again. Not until Rigil had fallen and then… they couldn’t be together after that. She would be queen of Citadel and would have to care for her city. Help it recover. He would assist in any way he could, but knew, in a restored world, a marriage between an enforcer and a queen would never be allowed. Their days together were drawing to a close.
“No,” he said, surprised to hear the word come out of his mouth. He just couldn’t let go of Kira. Didn’t want to. Refused. She was everything that made life wonderful and leaving her, especially now, was unthinkable.
“What?” Dr. Erikson sounded shocked.
“I don’t want to go. Send someone else. I… can’t go.”
“There is no ‘someone else.’ You are Caythis Ceteris, the Caythis Ceteris. No one else’s voice will have the power yours will. We need you.”
He shook his head. “I wish I could explain it,” he said. “But I just… can’t go.”
“And what about her? Isn’t she on your mind?”
“Who?” He doubted Dr. Erikson knew how much he loved Kira. That she was the reason he refused to go.
“Miriam Ceteris.”
“Who’s that?”
“Haven’t you thought of her? Haven’t you wanted to go and see her?”
“I don’t know who she is.”
“Truly?” Dr. Erikson looked surprised. “She’s your wife.”
The word slammed him with the force of a truck. It was a possibility that he hadn’t considered, that he himself was attached. That he’d committed his love to another, only to have their years and devotion erased in some kind of accident.
“I have a wife?” he asked weakly. He didn’t want it to be true. It didn’t make sense if it was true. He wanted Kira. He could never have Kira if he was married already. Attached to someone he didn’t know, didn’t remember, and couldn’t even visualize. A stranger.
“Of course you do. Miriam Ceteris lives at your home in Skyhaven. She probably doesn’t even know you’re alive yet... ” Dr. Erikson’s words seemed to fade away as Caythis tried to consider this new information. Tried to force it into the ever growing puzzle. Could this be true? What if it was?
“Dr. Ferguson,” said Caythis, looking into her eyes. “Was there ever a Miriam Ceteris?”
“Absolutely. I met your wife a few times. She thinks the world of you. She’ll be thrilled to know you’re alive.”
Caythis reeled inside. This wasn’t true. Couldn’t be. Not now. Not when things were going so well with Kira. But… what if it was? He had to know! Had to be certain. Had to put his doubts to rest. And, if it was true, maybe he could make things work with Miriam. If he’d loved her once, they must have had some kind of connection. He could love her again… right?
As he tried to imagine her, he could see only Kira’s lovely face. He shook the image away. Reminding himself that, as much as his heart ached for her, and he wanted her more than life itself, he could never have her. Even if he wasn’t attached to Miriam, or someone else, their days together, the romance they’d begun to develop, it was all a fantasy. A wonderful, blissful, joyous fantasy. But a fantasy notwithstanding. And soon, only a memory. And nothing more. It was time to sever his attachment if he still could.
“All right,” he said. “I will go. But tell me this first, why did you keep Miriam a secret from me?”
“We all assumed you remembered her.”
“Even though I told you I had amnesia? If I knew about her, why wouldn’t I be racing to her side?”
“Because you chose to keep yourself a secret while you worked with us from the beginning. Then, when this would all be over, you’d planned to return to her, like a white knight, and you’d both
live happily ever after.”
That didn’t sound right. He doubted he could put any cause in front of his devotion to a woman he was in love with. Dr. Erikson was describing someone else, not him. At least, not who he was now.
“Now that the game has changed, however,” said Dr. Erikson, “you can no longer afford to keep your survival a secret. You have to stand before the world and announce your presence, call it to lift arms against Rigil. Inspire us, give us hope. That is your destiny.”
“Very well.”
He walked away. Wanting to be alone with his thoughts.
Kira… he cared for her more than he could ever express. He loved every minute he’d spent with her, and often thought about her when she was away. Had that all been for nothing? He looked at his hands, as if expecting a forever ring to be there. Had he once worn a band that swore devotion to Miriam and no one else? And was this woman waiting for him in their old house? Spending every day missing him? Hoping for his safe return but believing him dead? Keeping herself company with a mountain of memories they made together, memories he no longer shared?
Kira was real. Tangible. She was the present. And Miriam, his supposed wife, was a mystery. Someone far away that he didn’t know. He closed his eyes and couldn’t see her. His heart felt nothing for her. She was dead to him. Kira was alive. Kira was everything.
He sighed. It would not be easy cutting Kira out of his heart, it would take a long time and he might never be able to do it completely. But he had to now. Every reason in his head told him he should. Even though every feeling in his heart told him he shouldn’t.
He stopped at the wishing pond and looked down. It was now dark. His reflection bounced off the surface in the moonlight, it was wavy and confused—like him, but he recognized it. Knew the man looking up at him. It was time for that man to move on. To rebuild the life he once had.
A strange screeching noise filled the air, interrupting his thoughts. His heart raced and he looked around, unable to find the source. It grew louder. Everyone in the courtyard was confused and worried.
Secrets of Silverwind Page 17