“I know you’re mad, but we can call Sarah and –”
“This is your fault! God dammit!” Zara stops speaking and she deflates a little. I should see this sign and take back what I said, fixing the damage before causing more, but I’m way too fired up to realize how huge of a mistake I’m making.
“What are you talking about?” Her voice is tinged with sadness, but there’s also a underlying anger.
“You shouldn’t have held me back. I had him. I had that slimy asshole and I could’ve beaten him up. You should’ve let me. It would’ve tough him a lesson he wouldn’t forget.” My fists are inching to hit something – that something being Neil’s face, but I’m reduced to pacing back and forth to try and temper my anger.
“What are you talking about?” she repeats, this time louder. “You’re telling me I should have let you physically assault a man and probably end up in jail. That’s what I should have done?” I can hear the agitation in her voice, but I don’t care. I don’t care about anything except for my missed chance to fuck Neil up.
“Exactly!”
“How would that have helped? What difference would it make if you had beaten Neil up?” It would have made all the difference. He can’t go around thinking he’s allowed to do whatever he wants. He flaunts everything like he’s untouchable and that is the furthest thing from the truth. Everyone can fall. But that’s not what I say. Instead, I spit out the most basic response.
“It would have made me feel better okay? It would have felt nice for my fists to hit his fucking face! But you ruined that for me because you don’t understand. You understand nothing, Zara!” Zara takes a couple of steps back and raises her hands in defeat, but then she comes right back up to me, her face no longer trying to hide any anger or disappointment.
“You know what, Sam? You’re right. I don’t understand. I don’t understand this incessant need of yours to be so fucking in control all the time. To run your sister’s life like she’s some kind of incompetent idiot. I should have let you fuck up your sister’s husband because maybe then you’d be able to get through your thick skull what a selfish asshole you are. Maybe having to go through the police process and facing some real consequences would wake you up. You don’t realize how right your Mom was. You think because of who you are, you have the right to do whatever you want, whenever you want, to whoever you want, but that’s not how life works. There are moments when you have to step back and realize that your methods aren’t the best ones – especially if it includes violence.” I think she has more pissed off words, but she steps away. “You know what? Fuck this. You’re not even worth it. I thought you were or might have been or ugh! And to think – to think I was going to – I was going to… It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m leaving. Enjoy your meal alone.” Zara turns to walk back the way we came, never turning back to look at me once. I watch until she’s out of sight, still pacing up and down and fighting with myself on whether I should chase after her. Obviously, I don’t and I let her walk out of my life, potentially for good.
Now, I’m all alone.
Chapter Nineteen: Zara
My fight with Sam has left me shaken. I can’t believe how angry he was. I’d never been with such a loss of control before. His rage was white hot and I was worried he was honestly going to beat Neil to an inch within his life. I can understand why he was so mad. I wanted to slap that asshole for cheating on his wife – and they literally just got back from the honeymoon. I’ve never understood people betraying the person who literally loves them with so much of themselves. I know there are certain circumstances where it can be forgiven, but this time was obviously not the case. Everything about that moment leaves me angry and sad.
Either way, Sam’s reaction was way beyond what it should have been. He needs to learn how to control himself and think about how what he does affects the people around him. I can’t believe some of the things he said to me. Deep down, I know he didn’t mean them, but I shouldn’t be the one who tries to make amends. But I really want to see him again. I spent the night debating whether or not to call him. Just to make sure he was okay. I left him fuming in the middle of the sidewalk. I’m guessing he walked home or called Rich. I know he can take care of himself, but I can’t help, but want him to need me in some capacity. Plus, our night had been on track to be a great one, but seeing him like that – it’s probably better to see him for who is early on, before I let myself really get invested. But that didn’t make it hurt any less.
The next day, I wake up to my alarm, but I’m still exhausted. I don’t know what time I managed to go to sleep last night, but it was late, for sure. And I had to wake up early because Ruby and I have to do some baking for an upcoming party. It seems like Ruby is expanding beyond wedding cakes into just general events. I liked the idea, so I had no objections – even if I didn’t like that idea, I probably would have said nothing.
I take myself out of bed and amble around my room, getting ready with as much slowness as I can spare. I don’t want to work today, I’d rather stay in bed and revel in my self-pity. The sadness I’m enveloped in is almost all consuming which is probably indicative of the fact that I was way more invested with Sam than I had originally hoped. I mean, last night was the night when I was going to tell him that I really liked him. I was going to ask him to have a real relationship with me. The saving grace is that I had kept all those feelings to myself – or we never got to the point of the night where I could have told him, so I was spared that humiliation. But none of that matters – my feelings or lack of desire to move – I can’t bail out on this job. I promised Ruby I’d be there, so I’m going to be there.
I fall asleep on the subway ride there, but wake up at the station right before mine. That must mean I’m becoming a real New Yorker, I can finally predict my station even with my conscious quieted. I want to pat myself on the back for this achievement, but I’m so drained that all I’ve got is a weak congrats in the head. Maybe I’ll buy myself a donut later.
I make my way to Ruby’s office and find her in the kitchen. She has an open book in front of her, but it appears empty, so I have no idea what she’s doing. I say good morning and stand across from her. I give her a lackluster ‘hello’ and wait for her say whatever it is I need to do.
“Oh, Zara. You really are a life-saver. Thanks for agreeing to take me back.” I nod. I don’t know if Ruby is unaware of or ignoring my obvious sadness.
“Of course, Ruby. You gave me my first opportunity and everyone deserves a second chance.” She smiles at me before turning the book in my direction, placing a pen on top of it. I look at it for a few seconds, seeing if I can figure out what she wants me to do, but I can’t, so I wait for instructions.
“Well, I was thinking – before we start baking – you could write down a step-for-step on how you made that cake for Sarah’s wedding?” Her voice goes up very high on the last few words. She’s obviously trying to butter me up by making her speech overly sweet. I patiently wait to see where this is going before I make any judgement. “That way we can have a master recipe book in case one of us has to work an event alone or anything. I’m going to put mine in later, but I thought you could start us off. I’ll leave you to it while I make some calls, sound good?” I nod, smiling. Ruby leaves and, once she’s gone, the faux happiness leaves my face. I can’t believe I fell for her tricks. Sam was right, she’s just using me for my recipes. How could I not see it? Ugh, I feel like an idiot… But I won’t cry or curse the heavens, instead I’ll make a change. I’ll do things differently things time.
I uncap the pen and write, “FUCK OFF,” in large capital letters right in the middle of the page. I’m not going to let people take advantage of me anymore. I’m not some mat to be walked on. I’m my own person who can do her own thing. So, fuck this shit. I walk out and get right back on the subway. I didn’t need the money from working with Ruby – at least not right now. Sam gave me half upfront and I can live off that – putting some into my savings – until I can find
another job and start earning in order to get Baker’s Corner open – but I’ll think about all of that later. Right now, I need to figure out what to do about Sam. There are so many things I want to tell him I still want to tell him. But it was only this morning, I was telling myself to say goodbye to him forever. I don’t want to crawl back just because I’m feeling lonely. I have to have some dignity. But is it worth losing out on a guy I really care about? I don’t fucking know… I go home to figure out my next steps. There’s no way it’ll all come to me over one subway ride back to my apartment.
Chapter Twenty: Sam
I’ve been angry with myself ever since that fucker of an argument I had with Zara. After she left – and I gave myself some time to calm down – I realized she was right. Of course, she was right. She only wanted to keep me from making a huge mistake and all I could do was yell at her and make her take all the blame and make her feel like shit when – in fact – none of it was her fault. She did absolutely nothing wrong. She actually kept me from making a huge mistake. The only problem is that I don’t know how to come out and apologize. She hasn’t contacted me in any way and that made me think that she didn’t want to see me. And now – since I’m trying to truly and fully live unselfishly – I don’t want to impose on her. I’m the one who fucked up and because of this I have to deal with the consequences of my blow up. This has made me kind of sad and, today, I’ve taken the day off. Everyone in the office has noticed how off I’ve been and I don’t want to field any more questions.
I’m about to go and lie on my bed after lying on my couch thinking about what I should do today. Hopefully, switching to another location will help. It probably won’t because nothing has these past few days, but I can’t fully descend into self-pity. If that happens, it’ll get a lot worse before it gets even close to better.
I have the entire day off – something that hasn’t happened to me in a long time. I’ve always kept myself busy whether it was with work, women, whatever. Thinking about how I used to do things doesn’t help my depression, so I stop. Or I tell myself to, but that doesn’t work because my other option is Zara and that hurts even more. I’m having trouble remembering what I used to like about my old life. To be honest, I don’t know what my motivations were before. I did things because I was supposed to do them, not because I really wanted to. But Zara has made me want things for me. Serious, deep things. I just wish I knew what to do. I can’t let her go – not without any kind of fight, not without going to her and telling her exactly how I feel… and that’s what I’m going to do.
I jump off my bed and run to the bathroom. This sudden realization has gotten me fired up. When I look at myself in the mirror I see that I look like shit. I haven’t shaved, the dark circles under my eyes have gotten more pronounced, and I just look… like shit. I wonder why no one in the office felt it prudent to let me know this. Today is my first day off, so I’ve been going into the office the last couple days like this. Given I wouldn’t have cared and all my employees are probably too aware of my authority to comment on my appearance. But on second thought, I think Rich may have said something, but I brushed it off. Either way, it doesn’t matter. I need to make myself look better than this. I do a quick shave and wash my face because I don’t want to chicken out. I need to get out of here as quickly as possible before thinking about what I’m doing. I rush downstairs and hail a cab because Rich has the day off – I thought I was going to be home all day, so I saw no reason to make him wait around. But that means I can’t get him over here quick enough.
A taxi pulls up and I give them Zara’s house. We pull up and I get out. Approaching her door, I realize I have no idea what I’m going to say. I spent my time getting myself here that I didn’t take any pause to think about what I would once I get here – especially if Zara turns me down. I mean, that was the whole point – just getting my ass to her without thinking about it. But because of that, I’m in my current predicament. I was a complete dick to her the last time we spoke. I literally blamed her for all of my own bullshit and it was completely unfair. I must be an idiot to think she’ll just forgive me if I show up at her door. Maybe I should have come with a gift or I could have called and at least warned her. I’m doing that thing where I’m not fully thinking about what I’m doing and how it might affect other people. I’ve got to stop being such a fucking non-thinker. I turn to leave and take the subway home, figuring I can come back more prepared next time, when I hear my name.
“Sam?” I turn in the direction of the voice and see Zara walking up the sidewalk to the steps. I start to internally freak out because I still have zero plan. I’m essentially batting blind – and it’s all my fault, so I have no one to blame but myself. Zara comes up the steps and stops just short of me, looking up. “What are you doing here?” She doesn’t look upset or angry that I’m here which is a good sign.
“I wanted to talk to you. Actually, I wanted to –” She stops me, motioning towards the door and for me to follow her.
“Why don’t we talk about this inside. I kind of want to sit down.” I notice she hasn’t smiled either. So maybe my good sign is more of an okay one. I nod and we walk to the top floor, entering her tiny studio. It’s been a while since I’ve been here. There are more decorations up and the space is much better reflection of her. She puts her stuff down on the counter and I see she got her cooking stuff back. I point and comment,
“I see you got your stuff back.”
“Yeah. Thanks for having Rich return it. That was sweet of you.” I hate how stilted and formal our conversation is right now. I know it’s my fault and I need to fix this. We both go and sit on the couch, a conspicuous space between us. She brings her knees to her chest and says, “So, you wanted to talk?” I turn my entire body towards, trying to get all my thoughts gathered. It’s definitely not enough time to form a coherent argument for taking me back, so I end up winging it.
“I did. I wanted to apologize for – I wanted to apologize for yelling at you and blaming you for what amounted to my dumbass being stupid. I’m starting to realize I’m a really big idiot. My Mom and my sister have been trying to tell me that I can’t keep inserting myself into people’s relationships and I never listened. I’ve been acting like I know everything, but I don’t – I don’t know anything. My sister’s marriage has nothing to do with me and beating up Neil would have caused more problems. It’s not just that. I shouldn’t have let my anger consume me like that. My Mom and you were right when you called me selfish. I only thought about how things would make feel instead of considering everyone else. I thought I was being this great, considerate guy, but I wasn’t any better than – Basically, I’m sorry.” Zara has watched me with an unmoving expression on her face. I can’t tell how she’s feeling, but instead of responding to my long-winded apology, she gives me one of her own.
“I think I should apologize too.” This catches me off-guard because it is not remotely close to what I was expecting. For me, two outcomes were possible – Zara accepting my apology and the two of us moving forward or Zara kicking me out and the two of us never seeing one another again. There’s nothing I can see that she did wrong.
“Why?”
“Because you were right too. You were right about Ruby taking advantage of me. She wanted me to write down my recipes, probably so she could claim them for her own.” I’m still confused.
“That’s not a reason to apologize to me.” Zara takes a deep breath and looks up at the ceiling. I can see her thinking and she wipes some hair out of her face before continuing, her chin resting on her knees.
“It’s a part of a bigger problem. I let people walk all over me and I rarely say I’m feeling. I’m not saying you took advantage of me, but I haven’t been totally open with you. There’s so much I kept hidden. Partially because I was afraid to get hurt, partially because I was worried you wouldn’t feel the same way. Maybe there were more reasons – I don’t know, they were excuses in the end. I mean, what you said did hurt me and I’m happy yo
u’ve apologized and don’t ever do it again because I’m not going to be as forgiving a second time.” That sounds about right. I think she’s accepted my apology and all I can do from now on is show her that I’m a better person than I was. But she doesn’t stop there. “What I’m trying to say is, we can both learn something from everything that’s gone on and try to be better versions of ourselves.” I’m not getting kicked out and that is enough to put me over the moon – in fact, it seems we might be working towards working past some of the problems between us.
“I guess neither of us are perfect.” What a revelation. It’s not that deep nor is it particularly new, but it’s a step in the right direction for us.
“What a wise thing you’ve said Sam,” she says on a chuckle. I move closer, closing the space that was created between us. Hesitantly, I put my hand on her cheek and she rubs against my palm.
“I’ve missed you, Zara.”
“I’ve missed you too, Sam.” She touches her lips to my palm and then moves so we’re holding hands. There’s something else about Zara’s confession that’s sticking with me – the fact that we don’t tell each other things about ourselves. I know we had started to open up after our first night together, but all of our confessions were so surface. I want her to know all of me and I want to know all of her. So, I bring it up.
“What did you mean when you said you’ve kept so much hidden?” I patiently wait for her to respond, knowing how hard it is to be one hundred percent open with someone. I don’t know if there’s anyone in my life that I’ve bared my soul to the way I want to bare my soul to Zara.
“Well, to start off – the reason I need to raise money for the bakery is because my Mom died not too long ago and she left me Baker’s Corner. Before she got sick, I hadn’t realized just how much debt we were in. And if I want to reopen there are so many improvements I would have to make. I’m basically drowning and coming to the city was my way of trying to save myself.” I can’t believe I didn’t know this until now. Zara had mentioned her bakery back home, but – I had become so obsessed with the little bubble we had carved for ourselves that I never tried to extend past it. She was always the one trying to get information about my life and I didn’t really offer anything. Instead, I’d keep things vague or surface level. No wonder she never shared with me either. I kept the door so tightly closed.
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