A.J. shook his head. “That’s the guy’s out. You’re not supposed to use it.”
“I’ll get my girl card polished up this afternoon. I love you, you know that, right?”
“I love you, too.”
“If something terrible happened, that wouldn’t devalue what we have. Just like making it official wouldn’t make it any more valuable.”
“Then why don’t we make it official? If it isn’t going to change anything, then why don’t you want to do it?”
I’d known this conversation was coming for a while, and I still hadn’t figured out a really good way to explain my insanity.
“A.J., marriage doesn’t make a relationship worth more, but it does change things. It signals to the world that we are completely committed.”
The look on his face hurt me down to my soul. “Sorry, I thought we’d already made that clear.”
“You didn’t let me finish.”
“Is that what you want?” His tone was so challenging.
“What?”
“You want to end this?”
“What? Where did that come from?”
“You said you weren’t totally committed, and you followed that with ‘finish,’ so where else was I supposed to go?”
“Okay, we need to really talk. Sit down. I’ll have food ready in less than five minutes.” I’d hoped that having a couple minutes to think would help the situation, but A.J. didn’t seem inclined to give them to me.
“We don’t need food. If you want to talk, you sit.”
“I’m gonna need more tea.”
“Cara, if you want to talk, sit.”
I sat.
“We’ve been dancing around this for a while. We need to talk. In the daylight. Now.”
“Okay.” I said it so quietly even I had a hard time hearing myself.
“You’re the one that doesn’t want to marry me, so you go first,” A.J. snapped.
“I never said I didn’t want to marry you.”
“You never say yes. I’ve asked you twenty times. You just float away from it, like you float away from everything you don’t want to deal with. I’ve let it go. Over and over again. But I don’t want to let it go anymore. I want a real answer, which I know will be no, and then I want to know why, and why we’re doing this“ — he looked around the apartment like he’d never seen it before — “if you don’t really want to be with me.”
I swear my jaw dropped. Just like in the cartoons. “I don’t want to be with you? What the hell?”
“When things go bad, you go running off to your sister. When you need something, you go running off to your parents. What am I supposed to think? The only time you come to me is when…” He had the courtesy to blush.
“You know what? I am fully aware that I have family issues. But, and it’s a really big but, at least my issue is that I have a family I’m overinvolved with.” The second the words came out of my mouth, I recognized what they sounded like and regretted it. I swear to God, I wasn’t directing that at A.J. and his family, but at families in general. I get so tired of hearing that my family is weird and that no one is like us and that we come out of some cheap movie or something. Just because we aren’t like their family, it’s our family that’s messed up. Well, maybe people should take a look in the mirror first.
A.J. was stone-faced. “Wow.”
“I know you aren’t going to believe me, but that was not directed at you.”
“I didn’t think it was.”
“Then why did you say ‘wow’?”
“Because one of the things I like most about you is the thing you think I don’t like.”
“What?” I was so ready to fight, and he wasn’t fighting. What the hell is that?
“I love the fact that you and your family are this emotional spaghetti that’s all twisted and wrapped around each other, and it’s messy and filling and abundant.”
“Now it’s my turn to say ‘wow.’ That was almost poetic.”
“Cara…” A.J. smiled and shook his head. “We don’t fight because we just aren’t good at it. Even if I get mad, I don’t stay mad. Even when I want to. We probably need to learn how to do this right.”
“I know. The only person I’ve ever really fought with is Teagan.”
“Why?”
“Because she’s insane?”
“I don’t think that’s it. I think the reason that you only fight with Teagan is because she’s the only one you’ve ever trusted enough to fight with.”
I didn’t want to think about that, but it sure had a ring of truth to it. All these years I’ve been shouting from the rooftops that I come from this really close family, and now maybe it’s time I come to understand I don’t trust any of them? That’s kind of harsh. It also means I’m totally delusional. That can’t be good.
“I’ll have to think about that.” I can’t help it if one tear slid down my face.
“A fight is easier to deal with than telling me why you don’t want to marry me, but I’m not going to do that, Cara. Tell me why.”
“It isn’t that I don’t want to marry you. I do. I always have. Since the first time you picked me up and brought me in and took care of me when I messed up my ankle dancing by the duckies. I thought you knew that. And for the record, you are the only person I’ve ever let take care of me. Not even Teagan is allowed to do that. Think about when Barry beat the crap out of me. The only time anyone was allowed to do anything for me was pretty much when I was in a coma or physically unable to do anything at all for myself. The second I was able, I was doing for myself. Even if it killed me. That’s just how I am. But I let you carry me in and put ice on my ankle and get me all boozed up and everything. That never happens.”
“I am honored that I was able to injure you.” A.J. gave me a smile.
I got back to the topic at hand. “Marriage changes everything. It doesn’t make the relationship any more valuable, but it changes the way people think of you. Other people’s expectations of you. Your expectations of yourself. It makes it all official and grown up and complicated.”
“There is a good side, you know.”
“I know.”
“Cara, I don’t get it. Why are you so against marriage? You. Of all people in the whole world. You like the old-fashioned stuff. Your parents have a great marriage. Your brothers and sisters are all pro-marriage. Even Sinead is pro-marriage, and she doesn’t want to get married right now, not because of marriage, but because of her circumstances. Why are you so against it?”
“I need more tea.”
A.J. was getting frustrated, but I didn’t know what to say. He took a deep breath and kinda hissed at me. “Fine. You know what? I’m going to make you a cup of tea. Then you’re going to answer. Because you are not moving until I have an answer. I’ve been patient, Cara. I let everything go. I’m not letting this go. Not this time.”
By the time he came back with a reasonably good facsimile of a cup of tea, I was ready to confess.
“Everyone assumes that coming from the perfect family is a good thing. I used to think that, too. But it’s not.”
He had the good grace not to challenge or interrupt me, which made me feel safe, so I bulldozed on.
“My parents have the perfect marriage. Do you know I’ve never seen them fight? Not more than a snippy comment now and then, and even those are rare. My dad still opens car doors for my mom. My mom still says she is the luckiest woman in the world because he decided to marry her. In all my life, I’ve never heard one of them say one negative thing about the other. Not once. Not ever.”
“That’s good.”
“No, that’s bad.”
“How could great role models be bad?”
“How do I live up to that?”
“What?”
“If perfection is the norm, and you find you are about as far away from perfect as anyone could possibly be, then how do you do that? I’ve always wanted a marriage like my mom and dad’s, but I can’t live up to that standard.”
A.J.’s eyes were huge. “Really? That’s the problem? You don’t want to get married because you won’t have a marriage as successful as your parents?”
I admit, I was getting mad. How could he want to marry me when he didn’t know something so fundamental about me? Everybody knows I’m nuts. What has taken him so long to catch on?
“Cara, nobody’s marriage is perfect. I’m sure your parents have had just as many problems as everybody else.”
“That’s just it! They haven’t!”
“Your parents haven’t had problems?”
“Of course they have.”
“I’m lost. You said they haven’t, and you’ve said they have.”
“No, I said they haven’t had as many problems as normal people, because they haven’t. They haven’t had all the petty little problems that break a marriage apart, because they’re both better people than that. A.J., we both know that if you weren’t such a good person, you would have kicked me to the curb by now. You have put up with all kinds of bullshit that no other man would put up with. Between my family and Jerkface coming after me and Barry beating me up and everything else, we can’t go two days without something crazy happening, and you haven’t thrown it in my face hardly at all.”
“Cara…”
“No, I’m serious. My life has been crazy all this time, and you’ve just supported me and been nice to me and always let me have exactly what I need. What do I do? I make things worse. I have no boundaries where my family is concerned. I keep bringing in drama. Look at my foot. It still isn’t healed from all the ant bites, and I can’t even complain because it was my own stupid fault for getting all bit up. I’ve been a mess for months. When I take the time to stop and think about it, all I can think is that maybe I’ve been a mess my whole life and was too stupid to see it. That’s probably why I’m OCD about cleaning. Clean the house, and you don’t have to worry about your soul.”
“Cara…”
I tried to push back the panic that I was feeling. I’d figure out where it came from later. “I need more tea. I’m sorry, I know you try, but this isn’t my kind of tea.”
“You didn’t even taste it.”
“Nobody can make my tea the way I like it. Not even Teagan.”
“How do you know if you haven’t tried it?”
“I know that I don’t like to drink gasoline, and I’ve never tried it.” The look on his face made me try the stupid tea. Mental eye roll. I know. “Crap!”
“That bad?”
“Actually, that good. When did this happen?”
“How many cups of tea have I seen you make?”
“I don’t know. Hundreds? Thousands?”
“See, you should marry me. No one else can make your tea.”
“A.J., I really do intend to marry you, just not right now.” I couldn’t look him in the eye. “Is that okay?”
“As long as I know that it will happen — I’m good.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive. When you’re ready — or when I can’t wait any more — we’ll do it.”
“So romantic.”
He was instantly exasperated. “You won’t let me do anything romantic!”
“I wasn’t kidding. I meant that it really is romantic.”
“Yeah, being turned down again is really romantic.”
“You weren’t turned down.” Looking him in the eye was no problem now. “I can’t think of anything more romantic than a man that makes a perfect cup of tea and is willing to do all this the way that makes it best for me. For us. You know I love you, right?”
“I do.”
“Remember those words, A.J. I swear, you’ll be saying them before too long.”
Neither one of us got to work on time.
Neither one of us minded at all.
I’d gotten a bunch of stuff done for Adeline. She’s in New York with the girls. She’s finally going to get her kids under control. I swear to God, she should press charges and get their butts thrown in jail.
I didn’t get a vote on that one.
Not that I would say it out loud.
Not too many times, anyway.
With all the stuff they’re doing up there, I am making a lot of arrangements for them from down here. Things like stylists and hair and makeup and cars and moving money around and making sure the financial people are talking to the security people and that everybody is keeping an eye on her grandson Christophe. The next six months or a year are either going to prove him to be what he claims he is or prove that he’s just like his parents.
I don’t trust him as far as I could throw him without Teagan’s help.
I swear Teagan is weird these days. I’d just thought about her, and she called.
“Busy?”
“Nothing that can’t wait. How are things?”
“Things suck.”
“I’m assuming that’s a bad thing.”
“Don’t try to be cute, dingleberry. It doesn’t work for you.”
“Sorry. Can I help?”
“You willing to shoot me and put me out of my misery?”
“Absolutely. That’s what a good sister is for. Can I suggest talking and chocolate first?”
“Sure, if you want to do it the chicken’s way.”
“I have to have a story for the cops. I figure a long conversation with you would put me in the clear.”
“Good point. What about A.J.? He isn’t going to want to listen to me whine.”
“You don’t whine. He won’t be home anyway. Did you see that thing on the news last night? The thing about the robbery gone wrong?”
“Yeah, that could have been really bad.”
“It was bad enough. For two reasons. The first could have been really, really bad. Suzi was in that restaurant. Her car was parked right out in front, and when the news crew showed it, I thought poor A.J. was gonna have a heart attack.”
“Sweet Jesus. Is she okay?”
“She’s fine. A little shook up.”
“What’s number two?”
“Morgan and A.J. have been working so hard to turn Old Town around and make it a really positive place. First the thing at the studio where he gets beat up is on the news and all over the Internet, and now this whole botched robbery thing. All their hard work is falling apart.”
“So tell them to turn it around. Make it into a good thing.”
“I did.”
“Problem solved.”
“Right, Teagan, everything is that simple.”
“Some things are. Can I come over now?”
“What about work?”
“I called in Honey.”
“How often can you do that?”
“I really don’t care. They can fire me, dingleberry. I’ve got bigger problems right now.”
“Have you told Mr. Fisher?”
“No. I’m not telling anyone but you and Mom and Dad.”
“There’s nothing for you to be ashamed of, Teagan. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“We’ll talk about that. I’m on my way. You want anything?”
“Nope, I’m good. You want food or just junk?”
“I’m not hungry. I don’t want anything.”
That’s not good.
Not good at all.
Okay, I know my sister is beautiful. More than once, I’ve been accused of making that statement more than is healthy or necessary, but today, I’m the better-looking sister. It doesn’t happen often, so I feel the need to point it out.
Teagan showed up in sweatpants — it’s much too hot for sweat pants this time of year, we live in Florida for goodness sake — and a huge t-shirt. She wasn’t even wearing a bra. She never leaves the house without a bra. Ever.
Her hair was going seventeen directions, none of them good. No makeup. If I didn’t know what was happening in her personal life, I’d think she was either wearing a Halloween costume or trying out for a new reality show. Not that I’ve seen any of them — I’d rather read a book — but
I’ve seen enough of the commercials to know that I would not wander around in the meanest parts of nature in my birthday suit.
“Teagan, can I get you some tea?”
“No, thanks.”
“Some soap?”
“Shut up, dingleberry.”
“I take it things aren’t going as well as I thought. When you called after talking to Mom and Daddy, I thought you sounded pretty good.”
“I felt pretty good. For a minute. Maybe two. But then it all hit me again. I’m not sure if I can do this.”
She followed me to the kitchen. Even if she didn’t want tea, I needed a cup. Or twenty-seven.
“So when did you tell Jessie?”
“Tell him what?”
“That you can’t do this.”
“I didn’t tell him. I’m still thinking.”
“Your life.”
“That means you don’t approve. What?”
“You have to do things the way that works for you.”
“Which means that I’m doing them wrong.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.”
“I’m not going to fight with you, Teagan. This isn’t about me or what I would do. This is about you and what’s right for you.”
“Okay, dingleberry. I don’t like this mature and reasonable Cara. Bring back the normal one and tell me what you really think. I want to let loose on something, and I’m okay with that something being you.”
“Okay, fine. I just think that you are setting yourself — and Jessie — up for failure. Either you can deal with this or you can’t. If you get comfortable in this dark, ugly place because you think that maybe you can’t deal with all of it, then even if you decide you can deal with all of it, you’re always going to be more comfortable with the ugly place. Which means you’re always going to hold some resentment, and it’s gonna leak out all over your relationship, and sometime down the road, you’re going to be very unhappy.”
“Damn, dingleberry. Take a breath. All that’s really easy for you to say.”
“Exactly, but if you’ll remember, I’m quoting a once-beautiful sister.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“You told me I should deal with the memories I have with Bernie and all that. I should do it now. I should get it out of the way. I shouldn’t let it haunt me. Isn’t that what you’re doing?”
The Tea Series Page 64