“There’s a big difference between some creepy old lady leaving you all kinds of stuff in a trunk and the love of my life betraying me.”
“First, I’m gonna tell Mom you called Bernie creepy.” At least she smiled a little. “Second, you just called Jessie the love of your life. If that’s true, then you need to do whatever you need to do to either be okay with this or to let him go.”
“I know.”
“You want tea?”
“I need something stronger.”
I went to the cupboard. “A double?”
“Please.”
I threw a whole bag at her. Hershey’s Double Chocolate Nuggets. I had to order them online. Bought four pounds. They weren’t even available last time I checked. They aren’t my favorite. I save them for special Teagan problems. I love the fact that I still have almost all of what I purchased because that means she hasn’t had that much trauma in her life.
I’m hoping that the candy has a long shelf life. They’ve been sitting in that cupboard for a while.
The reality is even if I give her food poisoning, she isn’t going to look or feel any worse than she does right now, so we’re good.
“Thanks.” She ripped open the bag.
“What are you going to do?”
“The hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
My heart sank. Dumping Jessie was going to be really hard on her. Really hard.
She looked me in the eye. “I’m going to admit you’re right.”
“Wait. What?”
“I need to decide what I’m going to do and then suck it up and do it. One way or the other. I need to either let it go and truly let it go, or I need to decide that I can’t let it go and need to let Jessie go.”
“Yep.”
“What’s that quote you were always saying a few years ago? The one about letting things go.”
“Oh, well, I used to think it was a quote from Buddha, but I looked it up and it isn’t. It goes something like, ‘In the end, only three things really matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.’”
“Yeah, that one.”
“Does that mean you’re letting go?”
“Definitely.”
“Of Jessie?”
“I’m not sure. Either Jessie or this resentment I’m holding against him. I just feel like I should hang on to it, you know? He betrayed me. He made me look like a fool in front of everyone that ever finds out for the rest of my life. He lied to me. He treated me like I’m an idiot. He did that whole weekend and everything, and the whole time he knew he was keeping this big secret. How do I live with that?”
“Honestly? The same way you live with anything else. You just decide that you aren’t going to let that define you. Or him. Or your relationship. He screwed up.”
“Not funny.”
“Not meant to be. One of the other quotes I used to throw in there all the time is that one that says, ‘The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemy; it always comes from the people you are closest to.’”
“Isn’t that the truth?”
“Maybe the only way to never have to worry about being betrayed is never to allow anyone to get close to you. That doesn’t seem like a good approach.”
“Not everyone I care about is going to betray me, dingleberry.”
“True. So then you have to ask yourself: what about all of this is killing you? Is it pride? Because if he just hurt your pride, then let it go. Is it trust? Because if you feel like he can never be trusted again then let him go. You never told me what Mom and Daddy said. Did it help at all?”
“They basically told me that I’m grown. That only Jessie and I can figure this out. That they will support us as individuals and as a couple, no matter what we decide. They told us if this is something that’s a deal breaker, staying together is just torture for both of us. Dad looked down and shook his head when Jessie told them. He looked… I don’t know. He looked hurt. Not just for me, but like it hurt him too.”
“I thought for sure they would say more than that.”
“They did, but just stuff they have told us all our lives. Nobody is perfect. A baby is always a good thing. Parenting isn’t about bloodlines. The true foundation of any relationship is the ability to forgive and learn, because no matter how hard you try to be perfect, you’re only human and you are going to screw up.”
“All that sounds right.”
“Yeah, but this was a pretty big screw-up!”
“Yes, it was.”
“What would you do?”
“I can’t tell you that. I have no clue.”
“You’re being mature again.”
“Sorry. I can tell you what I think I would do.”
“Okay, close enough.”
“I think that I would sit down and write the story of my life without A.J.”
“What?”
“Not literally, but I would sit down and really, honestly think about the milestones in my life. What they would be like without A.J.? Would my life be better or worse?”
“But how can you do that? What if you break up with A.J., and then a new Mr. Wonderful comes along and sweeps you off your feet, and you have happiness that you never even imagined with A.J.?”
“Is that how you feel about Jessie? Like you could replace him and have a better life with someone else?”
“Maybe.”
“Then you should let him go.”
“Wait. What?”
“You know, A.J. has asked me to marry him. More than once.”
“When are you getting married?”
“I haven’t said yes.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m just not there yet. But I can’t think of any other guy that would be as good with me as A.J. is. I can’t imagine my life without him. I can’t imagine another guy making my life better. If something were to happen to A.J., I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. I’d just be the crazy cat lady.”
“Dingleberry, you don’t like cats.”
“That would be the point.”
“Just because you don’t have a good imagination means you are supposed to stick with a guy the rest of your life? I don’t think I’ll ever be with anyone, then. There’s never going to be a time in my life when I can’t fast forward and put myself in some other reality, dingleberry. That’s just who I am.”
“You asked me what I would do; that’s what I would do. If it doesn’t work for you, then you’re going to have to figure out something else. Unfortunately, I can’t help you with that.”
Teagan stood up.
“Where are you going?”
“To put on the kettle. I’m not leaving until we figure this out.”
Can I just say that there’s not enough chocolate in the world to get Teagan calmed down enough to be reasonable when she is all Teagan-a-fied?
I don’t blame her for being upset.
I really don’t.
But she’s the one that’s always snipping at me to figure out what it is I want and then to go after it and not let anything or anybody get in my way. If she is so in love with Jessie that she had her happily ever after all figured out, doesn’t it make sense that she would be working this through with him, not with me?
She claims that she has to get it straight in her own mind.
In my mind, it’s really kind of simple.
Either one of two things can happen. She decides to marry Jessie, in which case she is going to be an instant stepmom with all the drama and complications that go with that. Or she can decide that she doesn’t want to deal with all that Jessie did or didn’t do — or should or shouldn’t have done — and she can just walk away.
I know that’s easy for me to say, because it isn’t my life, but that’s how I see it.
We’d taken a break, gone to the bakery, and picked up some Sin. We’d had three pots of tea — yes, pots, not cups.
Teagan had eaten my entire stash of
chocolate — not counting the secret stash of doubles, let’s not get stupid about this — when she looked me in the eye and said, “Decide.”
“Decide what?”
“You know, dingleberry, I’m not the only one that’s sitting on the edge trying to decide what to do in life. I have to decide about Jessie, but you have to decide about the whole Bernie thing and your lost memories.”
“I don’t have any lost memories.”
“Okay, your blocked memories or hidden memories or whatever has you completely whacked out.”
“You don’t get it.”
“That’s what I just said.”
“It isn’t about the trunk.”
“Dingleberry, I swear to God, one of these days either my head is going to explode, or I’m just going to have to kill you in your sleep. That stupid trunk and your weird pieces of memory has had you so whacked out that you didn’t even help with Mom and Dad’s house when we all went over there. I can’t remember the last time you invited everybody over for dinner. You’ve been acting like someone I don’t even know. You went running off and driving all crazy and wouldn’t talk to any of us, not even me. What the hell do you mean it isn’t about the trunk or your memories?”
“Teagan, if you knew me at all, you would know what it is about.”
“The family.”
“Exactly.”
“What does the trunk have to do with the family?”
“I just told you, it isn’t about the trunk.”
“Dingleberry, you’re going to have to start from the beginning, and you had better not stop until I understand. At this point, I’m not sure if I should call Mom or a mental health professional, and to be honest, I’m not sure either of them can help either of us.”
I took a deep breath. “My whole life is about the family. I’ve spent my whole life putting everything and everyone O’Flynn first. I think back on all the stuff I’ve done, and one day it makes me proud, and the very next day, it makes me feel like an idiot. Did you know that in order for me to be able to afford that party for Troya when she did the school thing, I didn’t pay my credit card bill? For two months. It cost me eighty-five dollars in fees. Why did I do that? Mom and Daddy offered to do the party or to help me pay for it, and I just wouldn’t hear of it. What’s wrong with me?”
“We’ve all been asking ourselves that for years.”
“Funny. I’m serious. Why do I do the whole family thing so hard?”
“I can’t answer that for you, but you have to admit that as over-the-top as it is, it’s you. It just is who you are. Why do you think that’s a problem, all of the sudden?”
“The problem is what if the O’Flynns aren’t what I think they are and I’ve invested my whole life in something that isn’t even real?”
“I don’t even know what that means, Cara. We are real…”
“No. That’s not what I mean. You know that I’m one of those people who really believes what I believe.”
“Lives your beliefs?”
“Exactly. Remember that friend of Daddy’s? The one who used to tell everybody that he was a Chevy man, and then when Daddy asked him how many Chevys he’d owned, he had never owned one. I’m not like that. If I believe something, I believe it with my whole heart and soul, and I live it twenty-four seven. I believe in the O’Flynns.”
“I get that.”
“I believe that the single most important thing to any O’Flynn is children.”
“I get that, too.”
“So if the single most important thing to an O’Flynn is children, and I’ve built my entire life around the O’Flynns, and the foundation of me, the core of me, who I am and what I believe twenty-four seven is all about children and their well-being, and my own parents allowed me to be in the middle of all the craziness that was Bernie and her stuff, what does that say about the foundation of me? About every single thing I believe? About every single thing I live? About every freaking breath I’ve taken my entire life?”
“Don’t you think that’s a little dramatic, Cara?”
“No! You want to know why?”
“Can’t wait.”
“Because I’m not like you, Teagan. Name one thing, one thing in your life that you live for. That you would die for. That you would literally lay down your life, happily, in trade for. Name one.”
Teagan wracked her brain for just a moment, but just that moment proved my point.
“Exactly! You can’t think of anything.”
“You really didn’t give me a chance.”
“That’s the whole thing, Teagan. I don’t need any time. I don’t need to think about it. I would trade my life for yours. Without thought. Not in theory, in reality. I know damn well you wouldn’t do the same for me, and I’m okay with that. Because you aren’t me, and it isn’t a contest. You would help me in any way that was reasonable, and in an emergency, you might throw yourself between me and danger without giving it any thought at all. But the reality is, if you had time to consider the options, you probably wouldn’t volunteer.”
“You’re doing that thing where you create a thing that would never happen to prove your point.”
“No, I’m just telling you what it’s like to live in my head.”
“God help you.”
“I’m serious. The reason I had my meltdown —”
“Meltdowns, Cara. You’ve had several lately, and I gotta tell you, they haven’t made any sense at all.”
“Fine, meltdowns. The reason I’ve had my meltdowns — and still haven’t recovered, if the truth be told — is because of Bernie’s trunk. Plus all her friends and all that stuff, it all showed me that my foundation is not only cracked, it doesn’t exist.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes, it is. And if my foundation doesn’t exist — the thing I’ve lived my whole life for — then that kind of negates, well, me.”
“And they say I’m the family drama queen.”
“You aren’t listening to me, Teagan. I’m not being dramatic. I’m saying that I’ve lived my whole life consistently believing one thing, and now I find out it might not even be close to true. How would you feel if Mom and Daddy walked in right now and told you that you weren’t really theirs, that there had been a mix-up at the hospital?”
“I’d say, ‘That explains a lot.’”
“I’m not kidding, Teagan.”
“Neither am I. Cara, it wouldn’t have a lot to do with my life. My life is what it is. It wouldn’t matter if I were blood-related or not. It wouldn’t change anything. We’re a family because we choose to be. No matter what. Ugly and all. A relationship isn’t magic, Cara. It’s all the little choices you make. It’s what you build together. It’s all about holding on when everybody else lets go.”
It took her a second to add two and two and get twenty-seven. That’s how my brain works automatically. She had to let the thoughts grow.
I smiled at her.
“You little shit. Was all this about me and Jessie? Getting me to say all that stuff about building a life together and holding on through the ugly?”
“No, but when I saw you headed for the cliff, I decided to let you fall off.”
“You’ll throw me in front of a bus, but you’re the one that would lay down your life for me?”
“True. It’s a sister thing.
She got very serious all of a sudden. “You know I’d do that, right?”
“Do what?”
“Give my life for yours. And it isn’t a theory. I had plenty of time to think about it when Barry beat the crap out of you. I would have done it in a heartbeat. I am here to tell you, even if you think that all of us O’Flynns don’t meet the standard of what you once thought an O’Flynn should be, there isn’t anything that any one of us wouldn’t have done to make sure that you were okay. Even the married-ins.”
“I know.”
“No, you obviously don’t. I don’t know what has you so weirded out about the whole family thing, but you need to give that
some serious thought before you go any further down the marriage path with A.J. Family is everything to you, Cara. It always has been, and it always will be. I’m not sure what’s going on in your brain, but for you to doubt us, that scares me. A lot.”
“It isn’t that I doubt you.”
“You don’t need to explain it to me, Cara. You need to understand it for yourself. Just because the O’Flynns aren’t perfect, doesn’t mean that we aren’t the perfect family for you. You aren’t so perfect yourself sometimes, you know.”
“I know.”
“I can’t believe you set me up like that. Now I need to waddle out of here and go talk to Jessie. Cara, never, ever feed me that much chocolate again.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to sit his butt down, and we’re going to figure this out. I love him. He’s my family. If I can put up with you, him and his baby and his crazy baby momma shouldn’t be all that difficult.”
“Are you sure?”
“We have some work to do, but I think we can do it.”
“There’s no doubt in my mind that you can do it, Teagan. The question is if you want to. Can you let go of it? Can you let the past be the past? Have you decided to trust him again?”
“It will take some time.”
“I know that. I’m not asking if you’re there yet; I’m asking if you have decided to put your mind to it.”
“I think so.”
“Then your relationship will fail.”
“Thanks for the positive input.”
“I am positive. You know that relationships are hard. Really hard. Mom and Daddy have the best relationship I’ve ever even heard of, and what have they told us since we were little kids? They have told us that if you want a relationship to work, you have to make it work. It’s that simple. There’s no magic. There’s no secret formula. You make every decision based on making the relationship work. If you’re in a place where you’ll try — you know how much Mom hates that word — you’ve already given yourself permission to fail, so sooner or later, you will.”
“Wow. You’re all over the place. A couple of minutes ago, you thought the whole O’Flynn thing was an overrated piece of imagination. Now you are quoting the mighty one.”
The Tea Series Page 65