Love Me Forever

by Ari Thatcher

  “Actually, I was hoping we could go to lunch. I had a craving for a Kansas City steak and Maui was fresh out.” He held out the bouquet. “These are for you, by the way.”

  Accepting the bundle, Jen buried her nose in the assortment of tropical blooms. “They’re beautiful. I guess I need to put them in water. Come. My office is back here.”

  She led the way, not giving him a chance to catch up with her. If he got too close she was likely to throw herself at him, wrap her legs around his waist and kiss him breathless. That probably wasn’t a wise move while still in her probationary period at her job.

  The staff offices were in a converted apartment with a kitchen where they kept snacks, leftover vases, dishes and glasses for whatever might arise. She opened cupboards until she found a pretty glass vase, and prepared the flowers for arrangement.

  The actions kept her hands busy, so he couldn’t see them shake, but she knew she needed to talk. “How was your flight?” So lame.

  “Uneventful. I was surprised by how warm it was here.”

  “Yes, we’re having an early start to summer. You’re lucky the humidity hasn’t hit yet.” She snipped the end off another bloom and placed it in the vase. “Did you fly into St. Louis or Kansas City?”

  “St. Louis.”

  “That’s such a beautiful drive, isn’t it? St. Louis to Joplin?” God, she might as well be talking with a resident’s family. Why did she become brain-dead just because Matt was in her vicinity?

  He cared enough to fly out here to talk. Shit, why didn’t she realize he cared that much? How did she get so fucked up where men were concerned?

  “Jen, I’m not going to make a scene. You don’t need to put up a front. We don’t have to talk about anything important until tonight. I won’t embarrass you.”

  Damn, he was too perfect. Why hadn’t some woman snapped him up? She thought only losers like her were still single, or single again, at their age. Why couldn’t he be an ass, so she could walk away and not look back?

  Placing the last bit of greenery in the flower arrangement, she took a deep breath. She glanced over her shoulder to see him leaning back against the counter. As always, his essence filled the small space. “Thank you. I’m still fighting inner doubts that I have what it takes to do this job. I mean, I know I can do it but those insecurities are hard to kill off.”

  His expression softened. Something in his eyes tugged at her. “Just be yourself. They will love you. They can’t not love you.”

  She was going to cry. Fool. Every emotion she’d buried since boarding the plane for her flight home gurgled up in her gut like sour milk. She couldn’t do this. Why did he have to show up at her work? Why couldn’t he appear on her doorstep Saturday morning, when she had an entire weekend to resolve her feelings?

  “Are you free to go to lunch now? If not, I’ll wander around, see if the sales person has time to give me a tour. This place is a lot bigger than I expected.”

  Jen glanced at her watch. “Let me just tell my boss I’m heading out. I only have an hour, so steak is probably out, but there are some decent places nearby.”

  Kelly must have jumped on the phone and spread the gossip about Jen’s visitor, because Teresa, the general manager of the facility, smiled knowingly when Jen entered her office. She even suggested Jen could take a bit longer for lunch, given she had an out of town visitor.

  Matt kept the conversation casual as they ate, mostly asking questions about the places he needed to see while he was there. He’d gotten a hotel room, completely removing any pressure on her.

  When he dropped her off again with a brief kiss and a promise of dinner, she wanted to scream. Why couldn’t he be obnoxious so she could blow him off and get on with her life?

  She stopped at the front desk to pick up her messages, thumbing through slips while Kelly finished her phone call.

  The younger woman turned to her with an eager gleam in her eyes. “So, how was lunch?”

  “Fine,” she answered, not looking up.

  Kelly sniffed, apparently disappointed at the response. When Jen glanced up again, she saw the receptionist’s smile had disappeared.

  “What’s wrong?” Jen asked.

  “It’s Opal. She’s fading.”

  The words hit Jen hard. In the short time she’d known the woman, Opal had become like a grandmother to her. At ninety-three, her body reached its expiration date and the family had come to sit with her and wait. “I should say my goodbyes, I guess.”

  “We all are. I don’t even know if she’s ‘there’ enough to hear us, but I promise, it’ll make you feel better.”

  Jen flapped the message slips against the base of one thumb while she stared into the bright sunshine pouring through the glass entry doors. This was the part of the job she dreaded. But she knew she should expect to be in this situation many times in the future. “I’ll go up later this afternoon.”

  Focusing on the bills was difficult with everything going on in her head. Logic and emotion battled over the situation with Matt. Those emotions left her reserves strained, and she wanted to cry over the impending loss of her friend, Opal.

  None of the mental preparation she’d done when she took the position was helping now that it was time to put her strength to the test. Death from old age was a natural stage of life. Jen wasn’t in a position to try to lengthen the lives of the residents. She wasn’t a doctor or nurse, and certainly wasn’t God.

  What she could do, and the reason she had taken the job, was make those final years, months, days as comfortable as possible. Allow the residents to feel as much control over their later years as possible.

  And now she would put that to the test. Say goodbye and wish Opal well on the next stage of her journey.

  Jen put it off until the final hour of her workday, then rode the elevator up to Opal’s room. Walking the long hallway, she was struck once again by the silence. No TVs blaring, no one hollering to friends down the hall.

  Just a dignified quiet.

  She knocked on Opal’s door and waited, her master key in hand just in case. The woman’s daughter opened the door and invited her in.

  “You have great timing. I wanted to step out and take a walk, but didn’t want to leave her.”

  “Oh, please do,” Jen said. “I’ll stay until you get back.”

  When the woman left, Jen walked softly into the bedroom where Opal lay propped on pillows under a pink and white quilt. The furniture in the room spoke of quality and gentle use. She slipped into the small upholstered chair beside the head of the bed and reached for Opal’s hand.

  The older woman’s fingers were cool. Jen sandwiched them between her palms and listened to the raspy breaths of the woman as she slept.

  Opal’s eyes blinked open but no other part of her body moved until she smiled. “Jen, my dear.”

  “Hello, Opal.”

  “I’m glad you are here.” She drew in a deep breath as she studied Jen before speaking again slowly. “You’re in love…You never told me.”

  Wherever did she get that idea? Was it just the love for Opal that she could see? “I’m not sure who you mean. I love many people.”

  “But you are only in love with one.” She drew another ragged breath. “Don’t keep it hidden. Love is all that matters. Live with your heart. Life is too precious for anything else.”

  Chapter Seven

  Jen kept the tears at bay until she left Opal’s apartment. She took the stairwell down. If her emotions continued to play havoc, making her take the stairs to give herself time to get them under control, she was going to be in excellent shape.

  Her figure would be, anyway. Her heart was a mess and no amount of hiding from everyone was going to solve it.

  Was she in love with Matt? She knew the answer to that. It wasn’t even worth the effort to deny it any more. But love alone wasn’t enough. And he would be waiting to take her to dinner shortly, if he wasn’t already downstairs.

  Somehow she needed to find the words to tell
him why she couldn’t be involved with him. If only he lived closer…

  She ducked into the small bathroom in the office suite to repair her face before gathering her belongings and looking for Matt. Her mascara lay smudged below her lashes like heavy, Goth eyeliner. Concealer brightened the lower lid, but had faded from the dark circles. The effect was more zebra than professional assistant manager.

  Her cheeks screamed for blush, and her lips were equally pale. Yes, Matt’d seen her with less makeup on, but now she needed to mask the lack of sleep and heavy heart that he could use in his favor.

  Strong. She needed to remain strong. She could do this.

  Matt had Kelly laughing at the front desk, and a few of the restaurant workers who’d clocked out stood smiling on the edge of the conversation. Everywhere the man went, he charmed people.

  He glanced back when the others looked at Jen coming up behind him. His eyes lit mere seconds before he smiled. Butterflies stirred in her stomach as she forced a big smile. Her fellow employees didn’t need to know anything was amiss.

  There’d be no hiding it from Matt, though. He saw straight through to her soul.

  When the automatic doors closed behind them as they stepped outside, Jen said, “Do you mind if we eat in? It’s been a rollercoaster day for me. I can’t offer steak, but I’m sure I’ll have something palatable we can cook.”

  We. Now she was doing it, acting like they were a long-distance couple, not an incredibly sexy man and the loser he’d fallen for.

  A frown brushed over his brow, vanishing quickly. “That sounds fine.”

  “You can follow me. It’s a bit of a drive, but I take the back roads so it goes quickly.”

  Quickly was a relative term when she was trapped in her car with her doubts and feelings of guilt. Please, let me do the right thing, whatever it is. When she parked in front of her garage and Matt pulled his rental car beside hers, she gripped the steering wheel and repeated her prayer.

  Matt came around and opened her car door. “This is a nice little place. It has character. It suits you.”

  Her smile was completely real. “I thought so. Picket fence, roses below the front windows. When it’s warm out, I can open the window in the living room and fill the room with their fragrance.”

  Tension slipped away slowly as she led him up the walk and unlocked her door. Something in his words acknowledged her choice in buying the house. He wasn’t a threat to her self-confidence, other than the fact she’d chosen to walk away.

  She turned on some lamps in the living room and powered up the CD changer, filling the room with relaxing music. After dropping her purse on a chair she asked, “Would you like to see the place?”

  “Yes, I would.”

  The Craftsman-style bungalow had only four rooms on the main level and two upstairs, so the tour took almost no time at all. As they came back downstairs, she continued into the kitchen. “Pull up a stool and I’ll see what I can whip up.”

  Matt sat at the counter. “Don’t make it hard on yourself. We can easily still get a table somewhere if you prefer.”

  Smiling, she shook her head as she set down some frozen chicken breasts. “I don’t think I could keep smiling through an entire meal in a room full of people.”

  He got right to the point. “Are you uncomfortable with me being here?”

  “No! No, that’s not it. I mean, I know I owe you an explanation, and that has my brain going places I don’t like to travel, but it’s not the problem tonight.” She scrubbed a pair of large potatoes a bit harder than necessary, but stopped before scrubbing off their skins. “A favorite resident is dying.”

  There. She’d said it, and her voice hadn’t cracked.

  “I’m sorry. That must make your job difficult.”

  “Actually, no. Those people are independent for the most part, not like a nursing home. Some of them might live another ten years. It doesn’t make me sad, really, that they die. It’s saying goodbye that’s hard. Knowing I won’t see them in the dining room anymore or exchange a few words as they go out on day trips or shopping.”

  She set the chicken breasts in the microwave to defrost. “I guess I’m feeling sorry for myself that my life will go on without them. Luckily I haven’t been there long enough to make many friends among the residents.”

  “What a great way to work, though. Visiting your friends every day.”

  “I know. It’s the best.” Jen slid a plate of carrot and celery sticks across the counter to him.

  “I can see in your face how happy you are now. Even more than in Maui.”

  Another chunk of weight lifted off her shoulders. His acknowledgement that the job was good for her meant one less battle she must fight.

  Or did she have to fight at all? She hadn’t asked him why he came. Maybe he didn’t intend to continue their relationship. God, was her ego making assumptions that were far removed from reality?

  They kept the conversation casual as she cooked, and on into the meal. Two friends catching up on life. Doubt crept into the outskirts of her thoughts. Disappointment followed.

  The idea that he might be over her crossed her mind and she wanted to crawl under her chair. She set down her fork, suddenly losing her appetite. She waited until he finished speaking, then gathered her nerve. “Matt, why are you here?”

  He tipped his head and took a drink from his wineglass, his eyes never leaving her. “I have some business in the area—”

  “Business?”

  Dabbing his mouth with his napkin, he sat back in his chair. “Yes. I was going to tell you about it after we ate. If you’d like, this weekend we can take a road trip and I’ll show you what I’ve been up to.”

  Her shoulders slumped as her heart deflated. He was over her. What an idiot she was, to imagine he wanted more than a vacation fling while she’d been in Maui. Heat rose up her chest and neck, a combination of anger and embarrassment. Was he planning on another fling now?

  He appeared to study her and she wondered if her thoughts were written on her face. She closed her eyes as she brought her wineglass to her lips. She couldn’t let him see the realization of how much she wanted him to want her.

  “And, there is the matter between us…” His chair scraped the wood floor.

  Setting down her glass, she watched him rise.

  “Can we go sit in the other room?”

  “Of course, let me put the dishes—”

  “I’ll help you with them later. Come.” He offered her his hand.

  Leaving her plate where it sat, Jen took his hand and followed him to the couch. The music still played softly in the background. It’d grown dark outside and she wanted to close the blinds, but knew it was just another excuse not to talk.

  Matt let go of her hand as they sat, turning slightly to lean into the corner of the couch. He waited until she stopped fidgeting before he spoke. “What happened in Maui?”

  She swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry. Did she even have the words to explain what went through her mind in her hotel room that morning? She knew he would let her ramble until she found her way. “I panicked, I guess.”

  When she didn’t continue, he repeated the word. “Panicked.”

  “Yeah. That’s the only way I can explain it.” Knowing how inadequate the word was, she took a deep breath and plowed forward. “I began thinking about us. About how things were growing between us. Feelings. How perfectly we fit together.”

  She wished she’d brought her wineglass, or some water. She licked her lips and searched her mind for a road sign to guide her. Finding none, she rambled on. “It was almost too good to be true.”

  “So you left because it couldn’t really be that perfect?”

  “No, I didn’t doubt what was between us.” A smile spread her lips and she became almost shy as she looked at him. “I know myself enough to recognize that. My thoughts started running away with me and I looked at the reality around us. The four thousand miles between us.”

  He nodded, his expression b
land.

  Jen shifted on the couch, slipping her shoes off and curling her legs beside her. “I know long distance relationships can work for some people, but I know myself. I know I’d want more.”

  “Okay. So why didn’t you wait until I got home and talk to me about it? We hadn’t discussed the future at all. What made you panic?”

  Against her will, her eyes welled and she blinked to clear them. “I told you about my divorce. My marriage. What my life was like.”

  “And you thought I’d begin to treat you the way that bastard did?”

  Tears broke free and she wiped at her cheeks with the back of her hands. “I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking right. It hasn’t been long enough. I was afraid I’d become the old me out of habit. I’d give up my job, my house, whether you asked me to or not. Then if we didn’t work out, I’d be the one who’d have to move away. And I couldn’t do it. I had to come back where I was safe. Before I lost myself again.”

  Matt closed the space between them and took her into his arms. He petted her head as she cried and cried against his shoulder, drenching his shirt. He’d wondered if her marriage had anything to do with her sudden departure. She hadn’t been divorced very long when they ran into each other.

  Of course she needed time. That was one reason he hadn’t pushed the conversation toward the future. He kept them in the present, one day at a time. He’d hoped to wait until her last day in Kaanapali before broaching the subject of after her vacation.

  As much as he understood why she overreacted, the pain she’d caused him still stung. She hadn’t given him the chance to tell her he cared. She’d lumped him in with her ex and assumed what Matt expected from her.

  Her tears tugged at him almost as badly. They brought out the old guilt. If he hadn’t lost her number, their lives might have been so different. They might have married after college. Had kids. She wouldn’t have met the bastard who recently traded her in on a newer model.

  But his what-ifs were as futile as her assumptions.

  Her gasps quieted and her breathing evened out. He pushed her hair behind one ear. “Where can I find tissues?”