by Tara Brown
I am trembling with fear and joy. I want to hug him but it scares me. It scares me, wondering what price we have paid for him to live.
Jake is there suddenly, with Leo. Leo’s hackles go up instantly. He growls and lowers his head. He doesn’t know Will anymore.
Jake smiles, “I guess the devil didn’t want you, Bro.”
Will looks at Jake, like it’s taking him a minute to figure it all out. He smiles after a minute, “I guess not.”
Jake sits on the bed, “You look like hell.”
Will nods, “I feel it. I feel like I’ve been dragged behind a pickup truck on a gravel road. What the hell happened?”
Leo comes to me, sniffing me and watching Will. His body is doubled in size and he’s not letting up on the dislike.
Will frowns, “What’s up with him?”
I swallow hard and turn to the doorway, “NICK!”
He comes running, his face looks stunned. He frowns, “It’s real, right? This is happening? I’m not dreaming, right?”
I nod, “You explain?”
He nods. I look back at Will, “I’ll be back.” I get up and leave, Leo in tow. Jake stays, probably interested in how it all works. I leave the house in search of one thing.
Anna gives me a look when I get outside. I nod, “He’s alright.”
She starts to sob into her hands. It brings tears to my eyes. Anna and Sarah hug each other, weeping. I continue walking. I need to find my own answers.
I get to the log house where she’s staying and knock. She answers in an apron and covered in flour. “Did he live?”
I nod. She looks like she might almost regret it, regret saving him. She nods, “Okay, good.”
“What was that, exactly, and how did you come to have it?”
She sighs and opens the door more. “I’m making bread. Come on in.” She goes back to her bread, and I sit on the log chair. Leo sits at the fire, relaxing. She scowls, “A wolf in the house?”
He raises his head. I scowl, “He doesn’t know he’s a wolf.”
She rolls her eyes, “Fine. You want the story? Here it is. My husband wasn’t just CIA. He was a scientist for the CIA. He made me swear that whatever happened—if I ever got sick, like really sick, I should take that from its case and inject myself. He said if the sicknesses got worse, or the infection got worse, I should inject myself. The cave under the stairs was a type that no nuclear blast, radiation, EMP, or anything could get to it. The cave is some kind of protective rock. I hid down there in the beginning, when the bombs went off. The little silver case that the vials were in—they were protected by a light. The light was inside of the case and it ran on a battery that is still going now. I can’t take them out of the case or they won’t be good after an unknown amount of time. I know it’s hours, that’s all I know.”
I sat there looking at her, “What did he say the vials would do to you?”
She sighed, “Make me invincible. Make me more. Like the babies.”
“Where is your husband now?”
“He died, near the beginning.”
I look down, wondering not only what it will do to Will, but also what we will do to each other. I can’t face him just yet, so when I leave the cabin, I turn for the woods. I climb over the fallen logs and stumps until I am far enough away. I sit and process.
He’s alive. He’s alive and he’s like me. Not that he wasn’t already like me.
Leo comes and curls around me. He wraps his paws around my shoulders. I didn’t even know I had a cry in there until his paws circle me. Then it lets loose. All the fear and the worry and the anger is washed away, washed into the fur of my oldest friend. He holds me and I cry for the things that might have happened.
He knows me better than anyone, even me.
When I’m done, I go back to him. I meet Nick in the hallway. He looks upset, “We’ll watch him, okay?”
I nod, “How bad could it get?”
He winces, “The ones I’ve seen—the adults injected with it have rage issues and basically are the worst versions of themselves.”
I swallow hard, “What if they were already a pretty bad version of themselves?”
He laughs bitterly, “Everyone stays at arm’s length until we see the result. Don’t let him know we are doing it. Paranoia is probably already going to be an issue for him.”
I nod and walk past him to the room.
Leo gives me a frightened look. I have to admit that isn’t making me relax. I wish Leo wasn’t scared of him. Jake pats his hands, “Just keep counting backwards from ten. Trust me, it works.”
Will rolls his eyes. He smiles when he sees me, “Hey.”
I look at Jake, “Why don’t you see if Leo wants to go for a stroll to the stream.”
He gets up and pats his leg. Leo follows him from the room, looking back at me. I nod, “Go on.”
Will looks hurt, “Why does Leo hate me again?”
I sit on the bed, on the edge, “He’s worried. You smell different to him. He doesn’t like different.”
He stares at my lips, “What about you?”
I shake my head, “I don’t like different either.”
He looks scared, “Em, you know I’m already a monster. Can you deal with a little more of me?”
I nod and crawl up to him, curling into him. I wrinkle my nose, “Leo is probably hating you ‘cause you stink. What the hell is that?”
He laughs, “I don’t know. I was sick. Jeeze, you’re hard on a guy’s self esteem.”
I laugh. He doesn’t seem worse, he seems a little better even. I kiss his cheek and get up, dragging him from the bed, “Okay, wow. That is nasty. I don’t care how sick you are, that has to end.” He stumbles along behind me in his underwear. I pull him through the house to the washing area. He gives me a funny look, “I don’t feel so good. I don’t think I should be up and walking about.”
I look at him; he is thinner and tired looking. He looks like a shell of the man he once was. He doesn’t look like a monster to me.
I smile, “Wait right here. I’ll be back in a minute, ok?”
I run around the back to Sarah and Anna, “Can you strip the bed Will was in and burn the damned sheets if they don’t come clean?”
They wrinkle their noses. I go to the washhouse water and grab a huge bucket of water, the lye soap, and a rag. I carry it to the back of the house where the summer showers are. He is standing there shivering. I pull the sheet across, trapping us inside of the curtained area.
I lift his shirt off, seeing the scars and the scrapes and the hallowed areas that used to have muscle. I pull his underwear down, still not looking below his chiseled waistline and hipbones. No matter how many years or lifetimes we have been together, I don’t think I can look. I dunk the rag in the steaming bucket and drag the soap along it. He sucks his breath when I start washing. I smile, “You remember when you did this for me?”
He nods, “You were such a mess.”
I grin up at him, “Welcome to my world. You think you had a temper before? You are gonna have to work real hard to control this one.”
His icy-blue eyes sparkle, “Em, you ever think that maybe I already am like you, just a little?”
I scowl, “What?”
He nods, “It’s why I was able to live through getting shot and everything else. It’s why my temper is already bad. When I was in the breeder farms, they were taking us young and healthy males and injecting us. It made making the babies strong that much easier. That isn’t the first time I’ve had that serum.”
My jaw drops, “But you almost died of the infection.”
He shrugs, “Guess it’s not perfect. But I am stronger than most men and faster and harder to kill. I’ve always been more like you than you knew.”
My eyes are flooded with tears, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He nods, “Look how you’ve treated me all day. I came back from the dead for you and you left the room without even a hug or a kiss or a ‘Screw you, Will’. You don’t trust
me.”
I swallow hard as I scrub him down, “I don’t trust me, how could ever trust you?”
He laughs, “That’s my girl.” He wraps his arms around me, squishing me into him.
A week later, he is looking like my Will again. I keep his secret about being modified. I would want him to keep mine. People don’t need to know we aren’t normal.
I’m sitting at the creek with Leo, watching the water run by us. Leo’s ears perk up. He turns abruptly. I smile when I see Will coming across the field. He looks so handsome in the mist on the field. The air is cool and we can see our breath.
He smiles and my stomach sinks. I don’t think I’ll ever be done with him, used to him, or free from the butterflies he makes me feel. I don’t think I’ll ever be free of him in any way. He does something I never expected. He drops to his knees when he gets to me. He presses something into my hand. I look down at the ring he placed there. It's a diamond ring with a silver-colored band.
"Not like you have any choice in the matter, ‘cause you’re mine already. But be mine this way too. You have my heart and my soul, and you make me crazy in ways I can’t even explain without using my hands. But I love you, Em. I have loved you from the minute I saw you. I don’t know why. I want to believe it’s like the old poets and romantics believe and that when I met you, my soul met its other half. Make me whole, Em."
Tears fall from my eyes, landing on the diamond. His arm wraps around my body, but I don’t move. I stare down at it, “Yes.”
“Can I put it on your finger?”
I close my hand around the diamond ring and wonder when and where he got it from. "I just want to hold it for a second, to make sure it’s real. When did you get it?"
He whispers, "Traded my guitar for it.”
I shake my head. "Why would you do a dumbass thing like that? I like you singing with that guitar more than I like this ring."
He cocks an eyebrow and I see the look. It makes a nervous smile smear across my face. He scowls, "You are the least romantic girl in the whole world. The world is gone, dead and blown up, and I manage to find a ring and you don’t want it?” He starts shouting, “What the hell kind of girl does that?”
I laugh in his face, “A crazy girl. Why else would I be with you?”
He looks savage but he starts laughing too, “God dammit, Em. Put the damned ring on your damned finger.”
I open my hand, “You friggin’ do it.”
He snatches it, shoves it on my finger, and kisses me hard. I melt into it, pushing him back onto the cold grass. I smother him in kisses, muttering into his lips, “I want that guitar back.”
He laughs in my mouth, and we do something in the field that people shouldn’t do. It’s wrong but we don’t care.
Chapter Seventeen
Two years later
I look at the rock pile and smile. "Meg, I used to think there was two kinds of love. One kind of love that burns so hot that it burns out before you get a chance to enjoy it. The other love is one that lifts you and makes you better than you were before. Now I think they are two sides of the same coin. My Granny used to say that and I never got it, not until now. Now I see what she meant." I grin and shake my head. "I know you always said Will was the right person for me, I have to agree. You knew me better than anyone. You were right. We got married a few months ago, and I don’t feel any different. It feels weird being a wife to someone, I have to say, that was a surprise. But personally, I still look like me and feel like me. I wish you were here, that’s the only thing. I miss you, Sister."
I look down at the diamond ring on my left hand as I brush the leaves off of the pile. The warmth of the spring sun is intense, as it always is.
I cross my legs when I sit back down and ball a dried leave up. "So Anna and Nick; I bet you woulda seen that one coming. I never did, but you always saw more than me. The wedding tree has had four weddings under it now. Not sure if you were watching or not, but it was nice, and it made the village brighten up for a few weeks. We’ve created a celebration for weddings, feasts, dances, and fun. We have fun. Who knew we could?" I look up into the sun and sigh. "I have to go, but I'll be back in a little while." Leo gets up with me and stretches. I run my hands through his fur and smile. "You're getting too old for these trips."
He gives me his annoyed look and saunters over to where Will, Jake, and Mitch are talking and pointing. I can see Leo’s hips are getting old. I am not sure what I'll do when he gets too old to be Leo anymore. I don’t want to think about that.
Jake smiles when he sees me. "How's Meg?"
I shrug. "I think she gets lonely. I wish we could move her and the rose bush to our house."
Will shakes his head. "I like that she's here; I always think Bernie is too." His eyes are icy and emotional. The next day we are getting ready to go to the retreat because summer is coming. Mitch is going to stay at the mansion to discuss the possibility of the use of Bernie’s house as a market. It’s all Star has been thinking about, unsure if it’s the right choice for her brother’s land. It’s why we are at the mansion. That—and to chat with Meg.
Mitch shrugs. "If we let them put a trade market here, we will have more access to fruit. I think it's crazy not to do it."
Star walks from the back of the property, past all the charred rubble. It's her decision and we all know it. Bernie’s house is her house.
Star loops her arm into Mitch's. "Fine, but the rose bush and the grave are untouchable, and not negotiable."
Mitch smiles and kisses the side of her face. "I'll let them know. I'll meet you guys at the retreat?"
I glance up at Will. He nods. "Yup. We just have to pick up Sarah and we're heading there."
I nod and climb onto my horse. Leo stretches. Will bends down, picking him up, and laying him across the saddle of my horse, “Hang on to him.” I nod but Leo gives me an uncertain look. I stroke his muzzle, “It’s okay, boy. Maybe just part of the ride, huh?” I can see that he’s too old to argue.
Jake looks worried, “How old do wolves get?”
I shake my head, “He’s old by wolf years.” I rub behind his ears, “But he’s still young to me.” I nudge the horse and we start. Leo’s eyes stay on mine; he doesn’t stray and look around. He looks at me. He trusts me, to an extent, this is that extent. When we get half way, he’s done. I halt the horse and Will gets him off of the saddle.
I feel a sickening worry inside of me but I push it away. I’m not ready to face life without him.
I get on my horse and look down at Leo. He pants with his sloppy wolf face and licks me. He paws me a little and whines when he looks towards the village. I smile and nod, “Let’s go home.”
He jumps up, playful and ready to run again. He whines and then starts towards home.
We ride slower for Leo, taking a little longer than normal. When we exit the forest, I smile. The village has grown in the two years we have been here. The log houses have taken over the old, dusty grass field and the forest has been cleared to make room for more houses. The white farmhouse is dirty, but it's home to the cook pit ladies, Anna, and Nick. Stella, Sarah, and Jake live in one of the cabins. Will and I decided to make our own log house, we live there.
Sarah comes running up. She and Leo have their usual reunion. He lies down, looking tired. She gives me a look. "You have to make him stay. He can't do those big runs anymore."
I smile at the angry little face. "Try telling him that."
She makes a noise and walks off with him. Jake laughs. "I think the teen years are about to hit."
I scowl at him. "She's twelve."
He shrugs. "Anna got evil at twelve."
Will scoffs, “I’m glad I missed a lot of the ‘bad Anna’ years.”
I roll my eyes. "She was probably just tired of taking care of you two idiots."
Will hops off his horse and drags me off of mine. "Oh really?" He throws me over his shoulder and carries me into the huge animal pen we've built for the cows, sheep, goats, and pigs. He tosses m
e into the haystack and jumps into the hay with me.
"Wanna roll in the hay?"
I shake my head. "No. It's prickly."
He pokes me in the arm. "You are getting softer. The Emma I met two years ago would have rolled in the hay until it was soft as silk."
I snort. The hay pokes into my back, but I ignore it and glance over at him. "You ready to hike up?"
He laughs and gets up. I take his hand when he offers it and stand up. We walk over to where Sarah is giving Leo water.
"Ready?"
She smiles. "I can't wait. First swim of the season."
Anna comes out of the farmhouse with her belly sticking out by a mile. I shake my head. "You look fatter than you did three days ago."
She flips me the bird. Nick comes out after her. His eyes are filled with worry. He's looked like that since she stopped getting her period again.
"The summer heat better wait for me to give birth, not even kidding,” she snarls.
Nick points. "We're heading over to the river for her to soak her feet again. The swelling is getting bad."
I look down and snicker at the tree stumps she has for ankles. She points, "You just wait. You'll have a baby one day, and I'll make fun of your tree trunks too."
My face burns, but I shake my head. "I don’t think so." I don’t bring up the fact I never get my period and that the thing they did to me made me sick inside. I don’t tell anyone. I don’t want to see the pity in their eyes. I already see my own, that’s enough.
Her eyes dart at Will. "We'll see."
Sarah runs and gets Stella so we can leave. She comes looking so much better than she used to, not so soft and yet shifty eyed. She doesn’t look like townsfolk anymore.
We walk as a group to the river. The flow is higher with the snowmelt so Anna and Nick stay in the area that is roped off with logs.
"Have fun swimming," she says with a sad face.
Nick growls at her. "We aren’t talking about this again. When the baby is born and healthy, we can talk about going to the retreat."
Anna sticks her tongue out at him. He's not like Bernie. He's like Will—a lot. He doesn’t take any shit off of her, which isn’t a bad thing. Jake loves him and the way he tells Anna like it is. He and Will are like best friends—Nick saving his life must have helped that.