by Tara Brown
No one but Anna was happy she got pregnant again, least of all, Nick. He and I both worry about what the baby will be. Things like us, Star, and Will have never reproduced before.
I wave to her. "Be safe, rest, and listen to Nick."
Nick winks at me. "You can say it all you want. She hears what she wants to."
Jake laughs and Anna swats Nick in the arm. He wraps himself around her, kissing her neck and whispering things to her. We leave them there, in love and happy. I wish I were more like her; I always have, but it's worse now. She is comfortable with her love for Bernie and Nick. She keeps them separate in her heart, but equally important.
When we get to the meeting tree, I stop in front and run my fingers along the bark. It is the place this all started for me, the place my life actually began.
Sarah comes and holds my hand and she nudges me. I smile down on her, “You excited about the retreat?” She smiles, “Maybe you and Will can have a baby like Anna.”
I shake my head, “I don’t think so. I had a problem once and things haven’t really been the same since.”
“Then adopt a baby.” She rolls her eyes. "For a smart girl, you are so dumb sometimes."
I make a face, “I already did adopt and she is more than I can handle some days.”
She sticks her tongue out, “You love me.”
I laugh and wrap my arm around her, “I do. Now get marching, slacker.”
"Whatever."
Great, the evil-teen years are coming.
We get pretty far ahead of Jake, but I don’t worry as much about him. He doesn’t walk quietly, but he has learned to kill things. Will is way ahead with Stella, who it turns out is like a mountain goat.
I run my fingers through Leo's fur and grip my bow. Sarah grips hers too. She has become almost as good of a shot as some of the men. I think she'll be better at it than them in a couple years.
When I see the first guard on the platform, I wave. He waves back.
We crest the hill and see the people from the other camps and villages.
It's like a reunion every summer.
People wave and greet me with hugs and kindness. They ask about Anna, and Nick who like Star, has won them all over with his ability to be charming. They don’t treat me the same way; there is still something in their eyes, but marrying Will has earned me a place.
It doesn’t change the fact I am still awkward. Too many people around me makes me feel funny. They glance at my guns and my bow. I am one of the few allowed to bring weapons into the camps and villages, thanks to Star and her bright ideas. I fidget and think about Granny as we cross to the tents.
Abundance of food, smiles, and sunshine makes the retreat more fun. Will looks at me, always checking on me, as we cross the tent city. I love the sparkle I see in his eyes. It’s mischief and desire. I like it.
People I recognize wave at me, women I saved hug me, and the ones who still think I'm the devil's mistress glare at me. For whatever reason, those people make me the most comfortable. Shit is wrong with me.
I walk through and head for the trail to the swimming hole. Sarah runs, stripping her clothes off.
Jake catches up, breathing heavily. He scowls when he sees Sarah stripping her outer shirt off, and looks like he's about to say something, but I laugh. "I told her she has to wear a shirt and shorts this year."
He sighs. "Thanks. Last year was awkward as ass."
Leo keeps up with Sarah. They dive into the water together. They still swim fairly similarly. Stella jumps in and moans, “Oh, this is the life. I don’t care if I ever have a hot bath in a real tub again, this is the life.”
I pull off my tee shirt, shorts, my gun holsters, knife in my boots, and quiver and bow. Jake looks at the pile and shakes his head. I scowl and jump in, in my underwear and tank top.
The water is cold; I gasp and try to catch my breath. It's the cleanest I've felt all year. I splash around, enjoying the cool of the water when my body adjusts. I look over at Jake, seeing the large, lumpy scar on his leg. When I dumped the boiling water on it, I ruined it. It was a mistake but what did I know? I knew I didn’t want him to die. That was it. I liked him and the way his blue eyes met mine. I liked the way he smiled and the way he lit my heart up and melted the ice, even against my will.
He dives in and swims underwater to where I am. It makes me nervous. He always pulls me under when we swim; I hate it.
Instead, he surfaces close to my face and spits water at me. Sarah laughs. I leap at him, dunking him under the water for a change.
He laughs and pulls me under.
Sarah starts to shiver. She nods at me. "I'm going to find Nan and get something to eat."
Jake points at her. "You stay with the cook hags. You do not walk around until we get up there.
She rolls her eyes and swims away. I look at Leo. "Stay with Sarah."
He almost rolls his eyes too and splashes after her. He jumps out, shaking his body and covering our clothes in water. Jake sighs. "That wolf is a vindictive bastard."
I nod. "Yeah."
Stella laughs, “I’ll go make sure she’s fine.”
I smile, “Thanks, Stella.”
She winks, “You know I love her.”
Her comment hurts me, not for the reason I expect. Stella lost her child, in the beginning. Her daughter died. She doesn’t talk about it. In fact, she outright lies about it, but I don’t blame her. When she finally did tell me, it was because she wanted Sarah to live with her. She wanted to be her mother. I knew Sarah and I would always be more like sisters, like Meg. I never would be a mom. She was a young girl, she needed that. I come out of my thoughts and ask her the thing I’ve been wondering all day, “Hey, Stella, that thing you used on Will, could it be used on animals?”
She shakes her head, “Makes them wild, like rabies.” She climbs out and I push the thought away.
Jake gives me a weird look, “Leo would never want to live that way.”
I nod, “I know. I just hate watching him get old.”
“That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Let’s just love him for as long as we have him.”
I lay back to float, looking up at the clouds.
I feel Jake float over near to me.
"Tell me something you remember from before."
"One time, when I was about ten or eleven, my mom and dad took us to this restaurant. It was really fancy and expensive. Mom got a promotion and we were celebrating it. I had to go to the bathroom; I had spilled some of the sauce from my steak on my pants. Dad laughed but Mom was mad. I went to clean up and there was a guy in there. He had on a suit and a nervous look. He was pacing. He freaked me out a little bit. He pulled a box out of his suit pocket and sighed, looking at this huge diamond ring. He saw me looking and held it so I could see too. He asked me if I thought it was nice. I said yeah, but I didn’t really know if it was or not. He took a deep breath and nodded his head and said, “Wish me luck, kid.” So I said “good luck,” and he walked out. When I finished washing my pants off and drying them under the hand dryer, I got out into the restaurant and he was on his knee. A pretty lady was crying and nodding. The whole restaurant starting clapping as he slid the ring on her finger. He and the lady hugged and kissed, and my mom cried a little bit. She and Dad leaned in and kissed too." He laughs. "I remember thinking that was exactly how I would ask my wife to marry me."
I smile and look over at him. He’s crying, it breaks my heart. He shakes his head, “Sometimes I just get so tired of this life, Em. Is it wrong? Is it wrong that we have so much and sometimes I think, it’s just not enough. I want life again. I want the things I have never been able to have.”
I feel the tears trying to come out of my eyes. I sniffle and shake my head, “I wish it too.”
He looks at me, “I wish you were mine sometimes too, but I know how much you love him. I don’t think I’ll ever adjust to you being my sister.”
I nod.
He looks back up at the clouds and we float in silenc
e. The reflection of the fluffy white clouds makes it look like we are part of it. We are floating in the sky, amid the angels.
I hear the water splash and look over at Will swimming towards us. He grins, “You two look like you’re having a heart to heart.”
Jake splashes him, “Plotting your surprise birthday.” He winks at me, “I’m gonna go get something to eat.”
He leaves us there.
Will wraps himself around me and kisses the tip of my nose, “What did we do to deserve each other?”
I laugh, “Horrid amounts of bad shit. No one else would want us.” I can’t do serious right now. Leo is getting old, Jake still loves me, and if I’m honest, there is always going to be a spark in my heart for him, and I’m scared one day Will is gonna want a baby.
He runs a hand down my face. I look down at the water, “I can’t have babies.”
He kisses the side of my face, pressing his warmth against me, “I know, baby. I knew that a long time ago.”
I clench my jaw, “You don’t mind that?”
He shakes his head, “I love you. I love you for everything you are not.”
I start to cry but he kisses my tears away, and I am grateful I have him. He is the only person who sees the things I am not as a good thing.
Epilogue
Ten years ago, I made a choice to save a girl, and she ended up saving me in the end.
Ten years ago, I killed the man who took everything from me. The man who killed my real dad.
Ten years ago, I realized my mother was a good person.
Ten years ago, I fell in love with a man I hated as much as I loved. A man as damaged as me. I like to think we healed each other as much as we hurt each other.
Ten years ago, I married that man.
Today, as I look down on him sleeping next to me, I can't help but think how perfect we are for each other. He loves me for the things I am not. He loves me because of them.
"Auntie Em!"
I roll over as the twins attack.
"Uncle Will!"
He moans and tries to pull his pillow over his face. "Uncle Will needs sleep."
I laugh and hug Meg to me. She squeals and curls into my body. She bats her blue-green eyes that look remarkably like mine. She peers at me through her lashes. "What did you get me for my birthday?"
I roll my eyes. "It can't be your birthday already."
Bernard frowns. "It is, Aunty Em."
Will winks at me but gives them a puzzled look. "How many is it this year?"
Bernard rolls his blue-green eyes. "Seven. We told you this yesterday, and Momma says you have to get up. We can't have cake without you."
I rub his brown hair that looks like his uncle’s. "Bernie, why don’t you and Meg go look in the drawer over there?" I point at the dresser Jake made for us. It's a little crooked, but we like it that way. He has really found his calling with making furniture. He and his wife, Allie. She’s smart like Nick and works as a doctor in our little towns. They met at a wedding celebration. I love seeing him in love and knowing it’s for the right reasons.
The twins hop off and run for the drawer. Meg squeals in delight as she pulls the bow and quiver from the drawer. She looks back. "Really?"
I nod. "Go see Sarah. She’ll help you make arrows and teach you to shoot it, and tell you the rules."
She gushes. "I hope I'm as good of a hunter as she is—well, one day."
Bernard doesn’t look as excited about the matching bows and quivers. Will laughs and points at the second drawer. "Check that one out."
He opens it and freezes. His jaw drops and when he looks at us it makes me smile harder. "Robin Hood?" He lifts the book out of the drawer and holds it to his chest. Meg makes a face and runs out of the house, no doubt in search of Sarah. Bernard cracks the book open and walks out of the house, dragging the bow behind him.
"It's weird they are exactly like their namesakes."
I laugh. "I know. Meg is a savage, and Bernie is a bookworm." I give him a dirty look, "At least Will is nothing like you."
He rolls his eyes. "Poor girl, who saddles a four-year-old with the name Will? What were Allie and Jake thinking?" He wraps himself around me. "I wonder what Star and Mitch got the twins? Can't be as cool as our gift."
I sigh. "We rode a long ways to find that book. I’ll be pissed if their gift is awesome. I suck at this stuff."
He kisses my nose, “No one cares that you never get the right gift. Everyone is scared of you, so you could give them dirt and they’d be grateful.”
Before I can kick his ass, Anna comes in the house. "Get up. Jeeze. You're worse than the teenagers."
Will growls, "We were on watch last night, Anna."
She snorts. "Did you know Star gave them their own sheriff badges? Will is out there trying to steal Bernie's. Jake is laughing his head off, Will is a savage kid. He and Allie really have their hands full with that one. I can't believe you gave them a weapon, and she gave them badges to make those weapons lawful."
I look at Will and wince. "Oh, that’s cooler than our gift."
He points. "Only to Meg."
Anna sighs. "You going to the trade market tomorrow?"
I nod. "Yeah. I need to see him."
She nods. "I'm coming." She gives Will a sweet look and bats her eyelashes. "Can you stay here and help Nick with the twins?"
He smiles. "Yeah. I can help Sarah teach Meg not to shoot other people."
As a village we celebrate their birthday, the first babies born here. We laugh, joke and eat. It's a night filled with dancing and singing.
We have learned to make joy and live every day.
Nothing is perfect, but it's better.
Outlaws are gunned down by the sheriffs Star and Mitch run. Criminals are punished harshly. Trade markets no longer trade people. Brothels are the new way of keeping women down, but Star burns them when she finds them. She has learned to use her anger and hatred in a good way. Sometimes I ride with her to release my inner demons.
Nothing is ever going to be perfect. I still haven’t found all the people Marshall was with, the bad people who kill kids like me. When I stumble upon them, I kill them, but I know there are more. There always will be bad people. The kids Michael made have blended. We don’t see packs of them like we did in the city. Society has either killed them or accepted them, depending on where they ended up and their behavior.
Anna and I ride into the trade market the next day. The smell of fruit is everywhere. The warm summer months make the trade market the best place to come. There is fruit, baking, and roasting everywhere. We ride past the market though, heading for the place that was never part of the deal for the land.
I get off my horse and tie him to a post. Anna and I walk to the two rock piles under the rose bush that seems so large now, I hardly recognize it. Anna picks the leaves and sticks off of the headstone that was placed here with Bernie's name on it.
I drop in front of the one I buried him under two summers ago. He had to have been the oldest-lived wolf ever.
I place the stone from my pocket on the pile and just let the tears come.
"I miss you, buddy."
He died old, fat, and happy. He died sleeping next to a warm dish of food. If anyone deserved that death, it was him.
I look up at the sky and smile. "You all hug each other for me."
Anna and I still cry every time we come. Sarah refuses to come. She won't see him in the ground. Someone once told me to find another timber wolf for a pet. They didn’t understand he was never my pet. He was my family. He was the warmth in the dark and the person I needed to not be alone.
No one but Anna, Sarah, and Jake can understand the value of Leo. Even Will doesn’t get what Leo was to me. He and Leo never truly saw eye to eye. But to me, he was family.
Anna grips my hand and I try to smile. "I wish he could have lived forever."
Anna nods and sniffles. "Me too."
I look down at the spot on my skin, where I had the smithy burn h
is name into my arm, and rub the scar. Sarah has one to match.
I look at Anna and know Leo led them to me. I like to think that he knew one day he would be gone and I would be alone. He found a family for me. He chose them, and I don’t think anyone could have chosen better.
Through the thick and thin, and the good and the bad, no one but Leo could have found me a better place to fit in or better people.
No one knew me the way Leo did.
I believe in God because of the two people in front of me—Meg and Leo, angels in disguise.
There are a thousand things I could have changed and made different than they are now, but then maybe I wouldn’t have the life I do. Every day there is more. More love, more happiness, and more gratitude, for every day I wake up free.
They say that the world was built for two. I used to doubt that and think that two was a long lost dream. I used to believe we didn’t deserve the happiness of the perfect place we all remembered.
But that world wasn’t ever real; it never existed. It was a daydream and a memory we made up. We didn’t want the change, but in some ways we needed it.
Some things were easier before, but almost everything is better now.
Nothing is instant; evil and hatred take time. It isn’t as easy as using the Internet to make hate or commit crimes from a speeding car with a gun out the window. Everything takes time and effort. The good and the bad.
I see now that true love isn’t fickle; it's what we put into it. If we work hard at loving someone, then no one can corrupt the love we have.
I see everything differently than before, and I have Leo to thank for that.
I wasn’t born into this world. I had to learn how to survive and live with the other people in it. But like Jake always says, I was raised by wolves, so I had to expect it was going to be hard to learn how to fit in.
Looking back on it all, I can't think of a better way to be raised than by a wolf, and I can't think of a better wolf to raise a savage little girl all on his own.