by Criss Copp
It was time for damage control... I didn’t want to lose Blake’s friendship... but there was something wrong with me, psychologically... especially given that his closeness throughout dinner had caused my desire levels to go through the roof; with thoughts of him throwing me over the dining table and taking me roughly and passionately amongst the food; plaguing the conversation that surrounded me.
Blake indicated that we needed to talk, and I agreed... yes, we really needed to talk.
Outside, we folded ourselves into the swing seat for two that was conveniently out of earshot on the verandah leading off of the dining area. Blake placed his arm around me and drew me in.
The electricity surging into my body through his touch was confusing, and it made my concentration waver.
“Summer... Julie and I are going to go with you and Deb tomorrow, to settle you in at your sister’s.” Blake said. I sat up abruptly, looking at him... his handsome features, his broad shoulders, his chest rising and falling erratically, as he too struggled with our close proximity.
“We won’t be staying... we’re coming back with Deb in the afternoon.” He said, “But I’m going to miss you so much.” He pulled me back into him tightly.
When had he gotten so strong? Why hadn’t I noticed just how handsome he was before...? I mean, sure... I had been in love with him for a long time, but it was more to do with his personality than his looks; the way we eased into each other’s mindset... it was the main reason I had felt this way. Now, as I recognised his looks for what they really were... stunning... I felt even more betrayed by my distasteful lust towards him.
“Blake,” I decided to cut to the chase... I went straight for the jugular. “We can’t be together, other than friends.”
I thought I heard his soul break. I knew I heard his intake of breath, and I felt a jolt run through him. This was confirmed in his reply. His voice broke, just like it used to when he was going through puberty.
“What do you mean...? I mean, why are you saying that?” he croaked.
“I’m no good for you.” I supplied.
His uncertainty and grief rapidly turned into controlled anger. I could feel it, I tried to remove myself from him, but he held on tight.
“Excuse me? What does that mean? You’re no good for me!?” he grumbled heatedly.
“I can’t explain... but there is something profoundly wrong with ‘you and me’.” I said weakly.
“I have no idea what you mean... because what just happened upstairs was not lacking in chemistry.” He argued. He continued to hold me to his side in a vice-like grip.
I wanted to cry, but I wanted to try and explain too, and if I cried, my arguments would be useless.
“I liked what happened... too much!” I reasoned.
Blake actually looked at me like I was nuts. He tried to say something, but obviously couldn’t formulate a sentence. His mouth moved as though words should come out, but couldn’t... his face was the picture of confusion.
“When I lived in Rochester, I was subjected to a constant stream of abuse,” I began, “and to deal with it, both Sal and I became invisible. When we weren’t invisible, we would be submissive... and do whatever we were told or forced to do.” I swallowed. I looked up at Blake.
“I make you feel like you did back then?” he choked out.
“No!” I quickly advised him. “This isn’t coming out the way I want it to.” I reasoned.
“I’m really confused right now.” Blake confirmed. His grip had lessoned, but it was still there, holding me to him.
“Oh God!” I wailed, dropping my head. Tears were building up, waiting to spill... I swallowed them back.
“Please, let me explain...” I pleaded.
“Please do.” He appealed.
“Your... I... hmmm.” I stopped, breathed deeply, and tried again. “Your forcefulness upstairs was a massive turn on for me...”
“And this is a problem?” Blake interrupted.
“Please, Blake... yes it’s a problem!” I argued.
“How?” Blake argued back.
“It means I liked what I went through when I was a kid! Don’t you see? I’m a monster!” I did burst into tears now.
“That’s just stupid!” Blake said aggravatedly. He pulled me tightly into him again, and sighed. His tone turned soothing, “What is it about you girls? First Julie thinks she shouldn’t be a lesbian and fights it for all she’s worth, because of her experience with Anthea... and now you think, because you like someone else to take control during sex, that you’re a freak! And all because when you were a kid, you were constantly terrorized!” he looked down at me, shook his head and then kissed the top of my head.
“Well, what does it say about me? After what I saw with Sal...? After what almost happened to me...? After what did happen to me for six years?” I cried.
Blake sighed. “I don’t treat you unkindly day after day... and I haven’t tried or forced you to do anything against your will. I’m not a monster Summer.”
“No, of course you’re not...” I started. But he kept on going.
“...But, even though what happened upstairs was pretty tame, you’re right! I do like to take control with sex... even with my sporadic experience I know this. But I don’t compare my sexual drive with my childhood shit!” He argued. “And... I would never force you to do something that you didn’t want me to do. I’m not a monster!” Blake finished by repeating himself.
“Oh, Blake, I know you’re not a monster, and it isn’t you.” I sniffed. “Now, I know you don’t want to hear this... but I need to explain.” I took a deep breath. “With Jordan, he was so methodical, sweet and gentle... except the first time, when he was a bit eager.” I explained.
Blake had tensed up, he didn’t want to hear this, but he didn’t interrupt.
“It was... nice!” I struggled for words. “With you, my feelings, my desires, and we haven’t even gone there, but with you... it’s intense! It’s... like an inferno!” I shook my head... dumb, dumb, dumb!
Blake looked at me like I was seriously losing my sanity.
“Intense and blazingly hot? How’s that an issue?” Blake questioned.
“Look... I’m not able to effectively put my argument across.” I reasoned.
“I agree... your debating skills suck!” Blake replied.
I stifled a chuckle and attempted to drive home my argument. “You know what I was thinking during dinner?” I asked.
“How you could crawl into a hole and find yourself in Wonderland?” Blake quizzically answered.
“Besides that...” I chuckled. “I was thinking that all I wanted you to do was grab me, throw me over the table and fuck me till I screamed.” I said... admittedly, I wanted to shock him... to make him realize my point.
“Fuck...” Blake gasped. His breathing had hitched, his chest was moving erratically.
“Amongst the food and everything.” I admitted, but I wasn’t sure I was arguing anything.
“Minus... the people... I hope.” Blake struggled to say.
“Yes?” I offered. I was very, very certain that I had completely lost this argument, that I hadn’t achieved anything I’d set out to do.
Blake groaned and dragged his hand over his face. He looked at me; I could tell he was struggling not to smirk, so I looked away... I hadn’t managed to convince him at all. The look in his eyes was all predatory... he was turned on.
“Sorry... I obviously didn’t win any awards in debating.” I mumbled.
“You did in persuasive writing though. But then perhaps you had time to construct your argument.” He chuckled.
“Point taken... I need more time to construct my argument.” I said.
“No, Summer... you don’t.” Blake suddenly began, “you need time to realize that there isn’t anything wrong with you.” He argued.
“I beg to differ.” I disputed.
“Jesus... Summer! How can you get excited and blurt out something like your dinner time fantasy to me, and yet
think there is something wrong with you at the same time?” Blake contended.
“Because it all... I don’t know!” I suddenly felt bereft, confused and stupid, all at the same time. I slumped in his half embrace.
“Because nothing!” Blake growled. “I am struggling to get that image out of my head... it’s hot! I’ve already had to reposition my legs in order to readjust myself.” He reasoned, (he had, I just hadn’t realised that was what he was doing). “Hundreds of thousands of women out there,” He began again, gesturing with his hand in a sweeping motion, “are desperate for that kind of passion and heat. They want someone to want them so much it’s uncontrollable.” He breathed deep, looking at me intently. I couldn’t say anything... my confusion was now in the stratosphere. So he pressed on.
“This electricity that’s between us...” he indicated with his hand the nonexistent space between our bodies, “...it’s magic! People trundle through life searching for it and never find it. They write sonnets and music about it... pine for it... and die for it! I’m not too young to recognize that what we have is worth fighting for.” He maintained.
“I don’t understand this myself!” I cried. “I just feel disgusted in myself.”
“And there you have it!” Blake said softly. “That is the issue... your disgust.”
“Yes.” I said weakly, tears streaming.
“You need to square this out with yourself. I can’t convince you if you feel disgusted in yourself. You need to work through those demons and put them to rest.” Blake sighed.
“I’m sorry Blake.” I cried.
“Why? For being a little broken?” he asked.
I nodded.
“Oh, well... I can understand broken. But I’m not going to give you up Summer Rogerson. I’ll give you some room to work through these issues, but I’m waiting for you... and I’ll be at our new place when you get there after Sal’s.” He explained. “And I’m still coming tomorrow.”
“Okay.” I replied.
“I was hoping to see you before college, but I think I shouldn’t come and see you during the break now; but I want you to talk to me in some way, every day.” He demanded. “Whether it be via messaging, email or phone.” He clarified.
“Of course Blake... I could never go a day without you... ever again!” I reasoned.
“Good.” Blake said.
Blake.
Damn... for a minute or two there, I’d nearly lost her. My instinct was to strongly disagree - to argue like the end of the world was imminent. I was glad my arguments hadn’t gotten out of hand, that I’d reined them in at pivotal moments.
It was a double edged sword... those feelings she shared with me.
I now knew that she desired me the same way I desired her, but I also knew that her past was interfering in her interpretation of her feelings for me. I hated to say it, but the break away for Summer would be for the best.
Chapter 8
Blake.
Julie sat shotgun in Debbie’s silver Ford Focus sedan, while Summer and I sat in the back.
I’d left Summer last night at the bottom of her front steps, with a soft, swift kiss on the lips. She’d promised me that she’d consider what I’d said to her while she was on sabbatical. I told her that I loved her; she returned the words with a frantic hug, and an ‘I love you too,’ before turning and climbing the stairs to the front door, and retreating inside.
I spent the night sleeping poorly, and waking on the hour, every hour. I was scared at the sudden direction my relationship was heading with Summer. I was scared she wouldn’t be at peace with her demons, and that she wouldn’t be able to return my affections... my feelings, my love.
Today I had more hope. Sitting in the rear of the sedan, it was Summer who had reached out for my hand, and once she did, she entwined her fingers within mine.
She smiled up at me with a genuinely warm smile, and it was like the sun had broken through the fog.
Throughout the whole journey, we had all discussed incidental topics, and Summer’s hand had remained clasped in my own.
Summer.
I wanted to try with Blake... somehow. After what he said last night, I wanted to work on myself... and I wanted to try!
After loving him for so long, and even despite my fucked up night without sleep and second guessing myself; I wanted to let him know that he meant something more to me than friends normally do.
Blake.
“This is it.” Debbie stated, parking the car outside a three story condominium. “They’re on the middle floor.”
I looked at the condo’s middle floor windows. They were open, and lace curtains were spilling out of them. Summer squeezed my hand, let it go and proceeded to get out of her side of the vehicle. I took her cue, and vacated too.
Debbie was opening the trunk.
“You three go on up,” I said, relieving Debbie of a suitcase. “I’ll bring this stuff up.”
“Such a gentleman!” Debbie enthused, giving my arm a squeeze, before shuffling the girls toward the front door.
They’d barely reached it, when Sally emerged screaming, her arms out, flapping... they all started to scream... Geez... what was it about girls?
I grabbed everything and used my elbow to shove the trunk closed. Sally remained at the door, holding it open for me.
“Hey Sal.” I said.
“Hey there you!” she replied, jumping up to peck me on the cheek. I blushed.
“Straight up the stairs.” She indicated with her arm.
Upon entering the condo, I was pleasantly surrounded by the smell of home baking. Sal had been busy.
“Just put it all in the second bedroom you come to Blake.” She motioned me towards the rear of the condo.
I found the bedroom and dumped the bags on the floor beside a single bed. The room’s walls were a lavender color... but everything else was white. Despite this... it appeared... nice.
I walked back out to the kitchen.
“Blake, I’m sorry... but Henry isn’t in today, you’ll be surrounded by us girls.” Sal said enthusiastically.
“That’s okay.” I replied, “I like girls.”
Sal gave me a knowing smile... Debbie smirked and looked at the ground... Julie thumped me on the shoulder, and Summer smiled at me with a cheeky grin.
After a light brunch, which consisted of cups of tea, macaroons, scones with cream and jam and pancakes with maple syrup and icecream; we headed out the door to drive to Jersey Gardens to shop.
This time Sal got to ride shotgun, and Julie sat behind her, placing Summer in the middle of the back seat, squashed up against me.
I didn’t mind... especially when Summer placed her hand on my thigh and leant her upper body into my bicep. In order to remain comfortable, I placed my arm around her on the back of the seat. I was happy when she moved closer into me... so; I dropped my arm to pull her in to my body.
At Jersey Gardens, I followed... and was sometimes dragged, from one store to another.
At any given time when I wasn’t being observed, I was making restricted contact with Summer in some way... brushing up against her, touching the small of her back, pulling a strand of hair from her face, and even leaning in to whisper, yet taking the opportunity to press my lips softly to her ear.
Then, Summer returned my touches with one of her own.
We were in the middle of Nine West, and I was looking at some shoes I thought Summer might like, when she walked up to me and parked her hand firmly on my backside, cupping my left butt cheek. I just about dropped the shoes. Looking over her head, I couldn’t see the others.
I looked down at her.
“Hi,” she said, looking up with a smirk.
I was confused today... happy... but majorly confused! Last night she was disgusted in herself... today she was touching me, and letting me touch her in a flirtatious manner. And now she had my butt in her hand.
“Hi.” I replied, my mouth suddenly dry.
She moved around to the front of me, relie
ved me of the shoes, and closed the gap between us.
“Is everything okay?” I asked her quietly.
She sighed, “I don’t know.” She replied, looking down.
Oh, so she was still conflicted then.
I lifted her face with my fingers and looked into her eyes. Green today, with just a hint of honey brown, and a ring of darker sea green, separating the color from the white. I was overwhelmed with feelings for her. I’m sure she noticed my reaction, our hips were closed in together... but she didn’t move away.
“I just...” she sighed.
I continued to look at her, imploring her to talk, to say more... she was breaking me up inside.
“I love you... so much, and I’m so scared, and I want to feel okay about how I feel when I’m around you.” She offered... failing to look me in the eyes after confessing her love; instead, steadying her gaze on my lips.
I knew my breathing was erratic... it was always the first thing to suffer where Summer was concerned, apart from my manhood.
My fingers were still supporting her chin; I leant down closer, and measured her reaction to my proximity. She simply put her other hand on my other butt cheek and dragged my hips forward into her.
I leant into her then, pulling her toward me with my other arm at the same time. Mashing my lips against hers, I kissed her, deeply; my eyes closing and my instincts taking over.
Summer returned the kiss fervently. I could feel the fluttering of her chest against mine... I could feel the urgency in her hands pulling my hips forward into her... I could taste her sweet lip gloss... I could feel her moans of pleasure humming from her throat, into my mouth as we kissed deeply and intensely.
My cock had solidified into stone... it was desperate to feel her... I was desperate to feel her too.
A light tap on my shoulder broke the moment.