Brighter

by Rochelle Allison

  His voice was soft when he spoke. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” I squeezed his hand. “It is what it is. So, how long will your parents be here?”

  “They’ll be here for about a month.”

  “I really wish I could meet them.” My heart sank. I had mixed feelings whenever I thought about leaving the island these days. I couldn't wait to see everyone back home, but the thought of leaving Jude made my stomach hurt.

  And anyway, I heard that the holiday season on St. Croix was legendary. I'd be missing out on some of the festivals and parades my friends were going to. I hated thinking about Jude going to this stuff alone. Or, worse, meeting someone else.

  “Did you hear me?”

  Jude’s handsome face swam back into view. I blinked, pulling him to a stop. I kissed him, my heart rising to a gallop when he rested his hands on my hips, sliding them down to cup my butt. “What’d you say?”

  “I said you’ll meet them. We’ll figure it out.” I kissed his bottom lip, pulling it gently between my teeth until he laughed and tickled me. “You’re feisty tonight.”

  “I feel feisty.”

  He caught my face, teasing me with a kiss. “I like it.”

  We dipped back into the water, giddy again, splashing each other. Jude chased me onto the sand, only to pull me back in. He picked me up and I wrapped myself around him, kissing him and kissing him until we were drunk with it, heavy and wanting. We got out then, lying down on the hard-packed sand at the water’s edge, a brisk breeze cutting through evening.

  Jude stretched out over me, his body strong and slick with salt water. Long, soulful kisses turned sloppy, and he slid down, kissing my breasts, my belly button, and each of my hips before tugging off my bikini bottoms. Pressing his mouth to me, he drew his tongue in circles until all feeling narrowed to that one hot, wet place. I gasped and came so fiercely it almost hurt, warmth unfurling like waves. He rose, pressing his thudding heart to mine. “Is this okay?” he whispered, nudging me.

  “Yes.” I brought him inside, my eyes open to the stars above, wheeling past in a dizzy spray of light. It was too much; too wonderful. “You feel…so good.”

  “Nothing feels this good,” he agreed. I pulled him deeper, tightening within, and he moaned. “You’re gonna make me come…”

  Light-headed with pleasure, I fell back against the sand. “I love you, Jude.”

  “Fuck, I don’t want you to go.” A pained expression flashed across his face, and he gripped my hips, driving into me.

  “I don’t want to go,” I cried, finally admitting what I’d known for weeks.

  He kissed my throat, damp and heavy. “Do I need to pull out?”

  I shook my head, clutching him closer. “No.”

  He came, breathless and hard. For a moment, there was no sound: just dark, and light, and the perfect ache between us. His eyes opened, finding mine. Sliding to my side, he drew me into his arms as we caught our breath.

  Jude rested his hand on my stomach.

  “Did you mean it?” I asked, rubbing sand between my fingertips.

  “I did. Did you?”

  “Yes.” I strained up to kiss his chin. “I’d stay with you if I could. I wouldn’t leave.”

  The water ebbed and flowed, touching our toes before receding back. I closed my eyes. Was this what it felt like, being on the edge of the world? Making love on a tiny island in the middle of the sea, the stars winking fondly above us? We were off the grid, but I’d never felt so connected.

  Jude’s fingertips brought me back. “You still there?”

  I smiled against his skin. “Barely. I wish we could just sleep here.”

  His chest shook with a laugh. “Mhm. Give the tourists a real eyeful tomorrow.”

  “Can you imagine?” I sat up, tucking my knees to the side. The water beckoned like a siren, inviting me to rinse off. Sand had gotten nearly everywhere.

  “You look like a mermaid,” said Jude, playing with my hair.

  “I feel like one.”

  He stood, looking like an ancient Greek god in all his naked, moonlit glory. “You ready to go back? I wouldn’t put it past Miles and Tommy to send out a search party.”

  ~

  I was moments from sleep, lulled by the boat’s rocking and the deliciousness of clean sheets, when Jude touched my arm. “I think you should forgive your dad.”

  “Mm.” I yawned, drifting back from the edge of dreams.

  “I know it’s not my business—”

  “It is.”

  He ran his fingers through my hair. “My dad and I are tight now, but we weren’t always. We had our rough spots when I was in high school, even part of college.” He paused. “I’m not gonna pretend I get what you’ve been through because of him. I know it’s shaped you.”

  I rolled toward him, listening.

  “My grandpa wasn’t the nicest person. Really hard on my dad when he was growing up…caused a lot of pain. He died suddenly, and even though my dad hadn’t spoken to him in years, it rocked his world. He still hasn’t gotten over it.” Jude pulled me close, his lips finding my face. “You don’t know what kind of time you have left.”

  I stayed quiet, chewing on his words. Little did he know I’d had this conversation—with my mom, with Theo. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to; I just wasn’t sure I could.

  “Your brother’s close to him now, right?”

  “Yeah. He’s always had a decent relationship with him. I think he just wants connection…someone to belong to.”

  “Understandable.”

  “But Adam’s too young to remember what it was like when things were really tight. My mom ran herself ragged trying to take care of us. My dad never came through.” My throat closed, and I stopped, swallowing back the need to cry. “I can’t count on him, Jude.”

  “You don’t have to.” He slid his arms around me. “But forgiving him…that’s more for you than it is for him.”

  ~

  By the time Tommy’s boat pulled into its spot at Green Cay on Sunday, Jude and I had been together so long that splitting up to go home felt wrong. We drove back to my place, stopping only to get food from a Puerto Rican restaurant he liked near town. After long, hot showers, we fell into my bed and slept soundly until morning.

  “I have to go,” he said, when it was still early.

  I rolled over in the partial dark, watching him on pull a t-shirt. “To work?”

  “Yeah. Big shipment coming in for the bar later, so I wanna be ready.”

  “Okay.” I reached for him, drawing him back into the warmth of bed.

  “You’re done with the café, right?”

  I nodded. I’d be leaving soon—it’d been time to let go of work.

  He paused. “I don’t know if you have anything going on later, but if you want to hang out at the bar…”

  I sat up, caught by the vulnerability in his voice. “It’s pretty much the only place I want to be.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Bodhi glanced up from behind the bar. He nodded toward the office. “Hey, Alina. He’s in there.”

  “Thanks, Bodhi.”

  Jude was on the phone when I slipped into the office, propped against his messy desk. A pair of black board shorts hung low on his narrow hips. His dark grey t-shirt was snug, clinging to all the right places. I paused in the doorway, letting the full brunt of Jude’s sexiness wash over me. I wanted him, and memories of the past week only made me want him more.

  Closing the door with a firm click, I walked closer. Our eyes met, and though he continued his conversation, I'd distracted him. He brought me closer, resting a hand on my hip. I touched his face. He hadn’t shaved in a couple of days, and there was dark blond in his beard. Beautiful.

  Jude’s eyes drank me in, lingering, even as he laughed at something the person on the other end said. “You could say that.” He squeezed my hip, bunching the fabric of my dress.

  “Hi,” I mouthed.

  “Hi,” he mouthed back, straight
ening up. Balancing the phone on his shoulder, he switched places with me, lifting me onto the desk with a squeeze of my thighs. I slid my hands over his shoulders as he parted my knees, fitting himself between them. He smelled good, like the lemony stuff in his shower. Vetiver.

  “Then go ahead and order four more cases.” He frowned at the response on the other end. “Nah, man. I’m not coming in. Figure it out.” His gaze landed on my mouth. Wrapping my legs around him, I pulled him closer and left a tiny kiss on his chin, and then another at the corner of his mouth.

  He was listening to whoever was speaking on the other end of the line, but he was with me... I scratched gently at the nape of his neck, rubbing his soft hair between my fingers, liking that I could, whenever I wanted. It had been frustrating before, wanting and never being able to touch.

  Without warning, he yanked me to the edge of the desk and knelt in front of me. “Adrian…lemme call you back,” he said, pulling my panties aside. That accent got me, I couldn’t deny it. I only ever heard it from him when he spoke to people from here…he licked me. I gasped, grabbing whatever I could to find purchase.

  There was nothing sweet and romantic about this; he just wanted me to come. He probably wanted to come too... I groaned, falling back on to my elbows. It wouldn't take long...it felt too good...and for some reason naughty places made me come faster. Like this. Like now.

  I hope Bodhi doesn’t come in. Did I lock it? I didn’t…

  Gasping, I bucked against his face before pushing him away. He stood up, wiped his mouth, pulled his shorts down, and plunged in to me, assuming a ridiculous tempo. So hard he thrust the giggles right out of me. I loved it. It made me feel like I was still coming. A stack of papers that had been at the end of the desk fell to the floor with a heavy smack. Several pens rolled after it.

  Stilling suddenly, he leaned forward, face tensed in such pleasure it could have been pain. “Damn,” he said, grabbing a paper towel from the desk. He pulled out, leaning against the desk as he caught his breath. His stomach tensed with every breath, and he had this post-orgasmic glow I couldn’t even deal with. “That was some hello.”

  I could feel a full-in body blush coming on. “It was.”

  He grinned, turning away to clean up and I did the same, hoping I didn’t just look like I’d been doing Jude in his office.

  “So, you came,” he said a moment later, tucking my hair behind my ear.

  “Said I would.” I tiptoed to kiss him. “I want to make the most of my last couple days.”

  “Cool. I have—” There was a knock at the door. Bodhi’s voice drifted through the crack. “Hey, man, sorry to bother you, but Adrian’s talking to the distributor and they don’t have…” Jude sighed, getting up.

  I let him go, using the opportunity to check my new texts. They were from Caroline. She'd gotten us tickets to see the Nutcracker, as performed by the Miami City Ballet. I squealed in excitement, psyched she'd gotten us in.

  “You look happy,” said Jude, returning.

  “Caroline got us tickets to a ballet we both wanted to see,” I said, putting my phone down. “We try to do something like this every year.”

  He chuckled. “That seems like something you two would do.”

  “It is,” I agreed. “This time it’s the Nutcracker, and I’ve heard they have these amazing sets. I'm really excited.”

  “Nora takes the girls to see the Nutcracker, too. Caribbean Dance School puts it on every year.”

  “Aw, really? That's so cool.”

  “She says the girls want to take ballet, so who knows.” Crossing the room, he reached into his backpack. “Maybe you’ll see Sydney and Sadie on stage one day.”

  “I’d love that.”

  He smiled over his shoulder, making my heart skip. “I got you something."

  We came together in the middle of the room, where he handed me a little navy-blue pouch. I held it to my chest without opening it. “Thank you.” I gazed into his eyes, my fissure in my heart cracking a little more.

  “You’re welcome.” He stared right back, finally taking the pouch and emptying it into my hand. “This will remind you of St. Croix. It’s called chaney.”

  It was a silver bracelet connecting several small bits of what appeared to be ceramic. It was beautiful, delicate and different, and for a minute I just stared at it, drinking in the tiny details on each piece. “Chaney.”

  “There’s a jewelry store up the street that makes all kinds of things from it. I have cufflinks.”

  “I love it, Jude,” I whispered, my heartbeat climbing as he clasped it on my wrist.

  “People collect it. You find it on beaches, usually, or sometimes in dirt.” He kept his eyes on my wrist, tracing the bracelet. “They're little artifacts—each one is different.”

  Closing my eyes, I wrapped him in my arms and breathed him in. “You’re making it hard to leave.”

  “Good.” He chuckled, looking down at me. “So, I spoke to Clarissa today.”

  “Clarissa from the Nature Conservancy?” I asked. The turtle traffic had really slowed, and though some people still went faithfully, it had been a few weeks since I’d gone. I missed it.

  “Yeah. She said they could use a few extra feet on the ground for patrols, and…I haven’t gone in a while.” His cheeks went ruddy.

  “Been busy?” I asked, smirking.

  “You could say that.” He caressed my throat, pressing his thumb against the flutter of my pulse. “Do you want to go tonight? To Jack’s Bay?”

  Going back to the place where I suspected we’d fallen in love? Yes. “I’d love to.”

  ~

  He was acting distant. For sure.

  I frowned, watching Jude get ready for bed, his mind a million miles away. We'd spent the day at Buck Island, just the two of us, coming in as the sun was setting. A beautiful day, but bittersweet, as it was my last day.

  I felt so messed up inside, nervous he was withdrawing from me. Sad because we weren't on the same page. Pissed off and resentful he was making such a big deal out of me leaving. That he was making me care this much.

  That he was right to feel this way; because if he left me, I’d shatter.

  I’d packed and sent a few things on ahead. I’d said my goodbyes to Nora, Eli, and the girls. Had rounds upon rounds of drinks sent my way at Larsen’s when Ivy and Jude threw me a little goodbye party. Sandy Point, Jack’s Bay…one more time. Guava tarts, riding out to the rainforest on Jude’s bike, playing in the waterfalls there. Jumping from the pier like kids on the way home.

  And we were down to this, a few more hours. Jude got into bed with me, clicking the TV on with the remote. I'd had it. Pouring myself a glass of water, I escaped to the patio. I’d miss this quiet hill with its constant wind and swaying trees, the scent of night-blooming jasmine.

  “What are you doing out here?” asked Jude. When I didn’t answer fast enough, he shrugged, turning to go back inside.

  “Hey,” I said, putting my glass down. “Why are you doing this?”

  He exhaled slowly, like he’d never been more tired than he was right now. “What do you want me to say?”

  “You know how I feel about you. It’s not fair to make me feel shitty about leaving!” I fought against the quiver in my voice. “I'm going home. To my home. It’s not here, but it’s special to me. And then I’m going to finish school. And then I’m going to come back.”

  He smiled sadly, nodding. “And you’ll visit, right?”

  “I feel like you're pushing me away, and I hate it.” I cupped his face between my hands, kissing his sweet mouth. “It hurts. Everything hurts right now.”

  “You have no idea.” He wrapped his arms around me. “You make me feel weak as fuck, Alina.”

  “I know the feeling.” My tears wet his shirt, leaving a damp spot when I peeked up at him.

  “I don’t do this shit anymore. It never ends well.”

  My heart dropped. “Nothing’s ending. Why do you have to say that? Did someone leave you?"
I asked, finally giving voice to what I'd wondered.

  “A couple someones,” he said, releasing his grip.

  “Tell me,” I said, holding onto him.

  “Which story do you want?” He tilted his head. “The original? First girl I ever loved. Together all senior year, but things fell apart when we graduated.”

  “Long distance is hard at that age.”

  “We went to the same college.”

  I cringed.