Gone By

by Hajong, Beatone

  Ten

  ..............

  Now it happened like every hours of the day whenever I spent the time in my school I firstly tried not to take a sight of her, most probably that would haunt me in my heart when I would see her with someone. I keep my finger cross and eyes closed when she passes before me holding her boyfriend’s hand. My days began to grow older whereas her took a new birth. I couldn’t believe Anannya was the only girl I had loved truly from my heart, even today my heart beats for her. Months have passed on, days have clipped off from the calendar till now we both have not spoke to each other since the time we began our schooling together. I knew for sure I had to spent two years with such sufferings and sorrows. In fact, I thought it would be wise enough not to communicate her much for now, cause that would bring no results on my part being a part of her. It is known to me in common, definitely she would not think about me if she had a boyfriend alongside her. What about being a friend that was excellent but that wouldn’t let my heart into self satisfaction cause it wanted more than being a friend. Every part of my life was like an empty vessel now. Felt like love was a curse that resided, crawling the darkness into my bright life. My school life was the same now. Just on the regular basis pretending to attend the lectures the whole day but inside I was a person of some unknown pathetic and emotive freak. I gathered myself with strong enthusiasm to face the rest of my school life. Least bothered about Anannya although I would see her every day. If the heart erupted that would surely make me go weak thinking about her. Every moment I got a glimpse of her it whispered in my heart I Love You which the words failed to reach to her. But before it could, it was swiftly taken away from me by her boyfriend. I had no extreme feelings about her boyfriend. If that was their love I appreciated with humble heart. If that was their dream to be together I prayed they should. If they had any difficulties in their relationship I wished they be fine with each other. If that was all, I firmly wished that Anannya should never get hurt by her boyfriend else it never mattered their love all it would be a fake show of teenage dream. Maybe I couldn’t think much or rather I was not much mature enough to understand but now everything I can reason with true feelings and emotions and the enormous love I have for her.

  It was one afternoon I was seated alone at my front desk. My head laid down rested on my arms placed with folded hands on top of my desk. I was quiet tired enough after the practical I had performed that day. My eyes closed and I was almost asleep, lost myself into world of fantasy dreams.

  “Are you ok?” suddenly a voice jerked out softly.

  I wasn’t aware from it where interrupted me but failed to reply back at first attempt.

  “Are you fine” again with a husky tone.

  This time I geared up to open my eyes with a thought to look who was it. As I lifted my head to see, I was wonderstruck to stare out. I stood nervous before her, in fact I was afraid to look at her eyes.

  “Are you fine” she repeated again.

  “Yeah! I’m fine” my voice shook to clear out. That was the first time Anannya spoke to me with slight little concern being a part of her class. Perhaps that day she was alone. Her boyfriend escaped school, so was she in search of new company.

  “I thought you were sick, you look pale” said Anannya.

  “No..I was quiet tired enough after the practical” I replied her.

  She slid in to sit beside me. I helped her to shift the bench that would space her to sit.

  “So, your love is absent today” I asked her being little casual.

  “What you said...Love?” she grinned.

  “Yeah!! I mean your boyfriend”.

  “Actually.. you said love it sounded different” she squinted.

  Her voice sounded beautiful to my ears. I felt like I was very much engrossed to her. Since the time I fell in love this was the first interaction I was having with her not because of any other reason but there was something that suddenly occurred such occasion between us.

  “Oh! My boyfriend is absent today. He said me he’s sick won’t be able to attend the school for today” Said Anannya.

  “Since when you’ve been together” I softly hissed.

  “Well it’s been more than a year now. We came together long back. I don’t even exactly remember the first time I met him” she smiled.

  “That’s ok... you both look fine as a lovely couple”.

  “He’s a good person and I trust his heart......So what about you. I know very little about you” her voice squirmed.

  “Well, to be honest I’m here for the first time and no new friends yet. Just to complete my higher secondary and hope for a bright future”.

  “Anyway you look unknown to everyone. That’s what I was thinking for the last few days” she said softly.

  “It’s good to know that I got to know you now” with my slow demand on my voice.

  “Where do you stay here” she questioned.

  “Uhhh! Few miles away from here...I exactly had no idea of the name but they call it Dakopgre. Some primitive fashioned and traditional name I believe”.

  She nodded her head and tried to break out a smile on her face.

  “So, what about you. Where do you stay” I hinted her a sort quick gesture with my voice.

  “I stay by the super market down the lower road that leads to my home” her voice turned very soft and calm.

  That day Anannya was sparkling out very catchy and mesmerising her sweet movements of her eyes gestured attractive. So mesmerizing she had the appearance that finally I was lost into her like more than any other days. Lucky enough to have her beside me with thorough exchange of words which I never expected to be. Although, I knew inside me I loved her a lot, but I didn’t wanted to show the inner core of emotions and the feelings that would revealed on my face. I wanted to say her more things but at times I went nervous. In such cases I took a long breath and emerged out with courage to continue our conversation.

  “So, what’s you plan to be in future” I smirked out.

  “Well, I have a dream of doing graduation in engineering”.

  “That’s wonderful choice of course”.

  “They say engineers gets better opportunity...Is that true enough in Job sector” she asked.

  “Well.. I have no concrete Idea about the fact but yes a technical background gets more preference”.

  “So, what you would like to be”.

  I smiled for a while looking at her face. I could judge out that innocent expression she had on her face. Her eyes flared out with charm which was a bound of spell on me. I realized how beautiful she was and the one whom I really had fallen for. No matter what she may be I loved her for what she was. Even I knew, she even don’t know that I loved her secretly from my heart.

  “I would wind up being an engineer too like yours and turned up to fulfil my passion ending up as writer”.

  “That was absolutely unbelievable choice” she squished.

  “Do you know my name” I asked her casually.

  “Yes! Of course I have seen it on the notice board. What about my name” she asked.

  “Well, I’ve heard your name called by one of your friend someday earlier. That’s how I came to know”.

  She smiled and peeked her eyes sharp at me. I had no freaking idea if a man loves a girl how should he offer the chivalry that needs to be gently portrait before her. Yet inside I was struggling to do so. For I believe I could make it up to her, which she knew very well without much thought as I could her expression she blushed on her face. I felt very relief of my heart ache after that sweet words of exchange with her.

  “Hey! I got to check out a copy from sir. I my leave now” she calmly said.

  “ Anannya could you get my too please” I asked a favour as she was heading off to collect the copies towards the staff room above our floor.

  She passed a melting smile that touched my inner fabricated heart.

  “Sure” she said softly.

  I stood there with common state of expression on
my face. I never knew she would be so sweet to me. I began to fall more deeper for her now. I kept waiting there on my seat until she would return with the copies. I was in a state of complete euphoria for the rest of the day. Maybe she was the reason that changed my mood. I forethought for a moment with my calm mind what would be her answer if I let her know my deep feelings I was holding about her. I didn’t want to lose the chance of losing her instead I thought of concealing the secret within my heart. Maybe there will come a time when these feelings and emotions will burst out before this world. And that would be the right time When I’ll let her know. Love for me never went simple. I had never fallen in love before neither I had any feelings for anyone. But what was she I knew not. And today all my inner feelings erupted convulsively for someone that finally made me fall in love. After spending the minutes with my lonely thoughts, Anannya came in through the door holding a stack of copies in her hand. She walked towards to me and handed mine.

  “So, this is yours” she pulled out from the stack of copies.

  The other she started to call out their respective names and began to distribute in the class. She came up and sat beside me.

  “Thanks” said I.

  “It’s alright. So, for today I guess the rest of the periods are cancelled” said Anannya with her husky tone.

  I made a silent glance at her. “ Do you want to go to canteen” I asked her voicing out politely.

  For the moment she was perplexed. Her eyes seemed narrower, whereas her lips widened to smile out slowly.

  “Was I incoherent with my words?” my subconscious mumbled at me.

  “Let’s go” she agreed to my offer.

  We proceeded with our steps leading towards the school canteen.

  “What’s your hobbies?”.

  “Well, I love reading books, travelling is one of my favourite. Spend time with friends. And of course cooking” said Anannya.

  “ That’s wonderful interest” my voice hissed softly.

  “What about you”.

  “ Nothing much unlike your choices. But, yes I love music, reading books one of my favourite pass time....also loves to write.... playing outdoor games”.

  Finally, we were there at the canteen hall. We took a table that was empty at one corner. She shifted her chair to take the seat. I took the other one right before her facing oppositely at each other. I glanced at the menu card.

  “ So, what do you want to have”.

  “Anything you order” she said with no objections.

  A cold coffee and some pancakes along with some toast of bread were the items I read out for the waiter which he was noting on a chit of paper.

  “ You know I had a doubt that you were perhaps first time in this place” said Anannya.

  “How could you unconcealed that”.

  “It tells in your face”.

  “Oh! So now you can read people’s mind. Is that so”. She laughed and her eyes shrunk.

  “No..I didn’t say I can read mind” she replied.

  The waiter brought our order and served us smoothly. Anannya’s face showered with glow which reflected her innocent vibes. Nothing bothered me more than her at that moment. I was thoroughly in deep connection with her. Her every words, every lines made me felt very vibrant. She spoke more through her eyes than she could words out through her sweet voice. She was a kind of girl that I would not want to miss her the rest of my life. I constantly maintained my gaze on her face. No...it’s not her beauty...not anything that physically relates but it was her heart that took me away with no strength and control on myself.

  “Why are you staring at me like that” She squinted taking a sip of cold coffee.

  “I don’t know” said I.

  “You must be thinking about someone” Anannya added her voice.

  “No..I was thinking that you are sitting before me and........”.

  “And what?” she demanded.

  “And nothing” in my casual notation.

  “So, do you have a girl friend” she grinned.

  I took a sip of my cold coffee and a smooth bite of pancakes.

  “No..I’m all alone” I answered.

  “Why..didn’t you find someone”.

  “Love happens without knowledge. We fall randomly. We fall for the one which has the least chance to be yours”.

  “ Did something happened to you earlier” Anannya said with her soft tone.

  “No”.

  “Who was she then?” she inquired.

  “Well, I can see her reflection under this roof. Her words I can feel reaching my heart. She’s more or less somewhat like you”.

  “Somewhat like me. What does that mean?” She intended to know.

  “Many things resembles with you. She almost looks like you, her voice somewhat same pitch as yours”.

  Anannya nodded her head which pulsated her. “You must be missing her then”.

  “No..I get to see her everyday”.

  “Are you being presumptuous?” she protested.

  “ Not at all”.

  “What’s her name?”.

  “ Why are you so curious to know” I grinned.

  “ Well, you can keep to yourself then” she smiled with a blink of an eye.

  How could I say her that I was in love with you. My voice shuddered for a while, with no idea how should I proceed our conversation now. Indeed I shouldn’t falter at whatever I ‘m here to speak.

  Imagine how a man’s mind must be enduring the cost of such solitude within himself even though he knew the one whom he love but trembled to bow down before her with the true confession. At most she can be only a guiding light like that happens in dreams. Which was just the case with me. Even though I knew I was in Love with Anannya my decision never appealed to hurt the other person with whom she was in love. Every time I spoke within myself I thought of letting her be happy with whomever she may be, in fact she deserved better. If my love was meant to be true a small sacrifice from my part wouldn’t go in vain.

  “What’s wrong.... are you thinking something” Anannya interrupted.

  “I think we can move out”.

  The bill was paid on the waiter’s hand before we stepped out of the canteen.

  “Had wonderful time with you today”.

  “Yeah! That was incredibly good” I said.

  We walked back to our class room. I could realize that she hardly spoke about her boyfriend. Indeed, she generally happened to be a girl who least intend to boast about their boyfriend but she was rather conservative about her relationship status. Even I haven’t put much stress in the topic. I felt it would be wise enough to let her know about me rather knowing whom she already knew. “So, where did you do your schooling” asked Anannya.

  “Somewhere far away from here. Far beyond this boundary....to say I completed my 10th standard from Darjeeling”.

  “You seemed to be very quiet guy”.

  “Yeah! A sort of thoughtful introvert I say to myself”.

  “ So, You like praising yourself with your qualities”.

  “Of course not but I feel” I said.

  “Well, that’s not a bad thing. You should know yourself” she said casually.

  I walked through the aisle of our classroom, I handed over her bag. Indeed it was time for us to depart. One can surely feel the charisma of being with the one whom you love but who knew that charisma may be temporary. The euphoria of being together would fade within moment.

  “Will she remember me the next day” my inner thought fumbled.

  My heart began to fear, my eyes started to trim its vision. All I knew I was in love with her.

  “ So your Dad comes to pick you back” I said with soft tone.

  “Yeah!...”. We walked out of the school building.

  “Well, then see you tomorrow” she said and departed.

  I stood waiting there for our bus to reassemble for all other students. Finally I was back home. Maybe I was thriving out of joy inside my heart. The only possible reason could be
that Anannya had taken the time to spent the day with me at school. Who knew this could be the last and first forever. Yet then I was happy that day.

  It’s risky falling in love. At first it brings the euphoria of complete love reforms into your heart. We begin to think about the person we fall for. And when we miss we feel like an addict to her, willing to take any sort of risk for the cause of love. What a horrible way to put it. And when the love is gone from hand, you begin to realize your inner demons, rendering to calm down your heart with thorough grief and sufferings. Maybe this was just the case with me. I began to think about Anannya knowing the fact she has someone in her life now. I couldn’t redirect to constrain from it and to go against myself. I had to keep my feelings secret about her from the world except for me. All I was waiting for a miracle to take place every day, a day when I would unconcealed the words from my heart to her. By now I’ve learned to live my life enduring the cost of pain in love. I began to accept for what I was. I started believing in myself. Began to learn the spirit of love and faith. Every day it was not the same I could feel. The burden of pain and sorrow gradually diminished, although the love for Anannya never went away. So strong feelings of acquaintance dwelt in my heart for her. I knew it was difficult for me to replace her from my inner core. That’s the only love with strong desperation that I could ever want in my life. Ever before I never felt like this. Who knew my heart would attached to such a beautiful soul whom I never thought in my dream. But now she was the real one. Her name whirled around on my mind, it whispered Anannya that sounded like the melody strand coming out of a nightingale bird. I had to accept myself to self satisfy my heart just by only seeing her at every hour of my school. Whereas she would be sharing her love with her boyfriend. I would tell myself not to worry about it, someday if she knows that I love her with my whole heart then there would come a change in our destiny. I just pretended to be a classmate for the years to be passed. Our interaction gap gradually began to grew wider. She started spending more time with her boyfriend. No hard feelings for that. If love was meant for them they have the right to share their feelings and emotions. She knew who was I now. That’s all I wanted to let her know for the moment. It’s better we should stay apart for the time than being like an unknown stranger. Someday the closeness shall wind us together. And that day I shall be waiting to see. I dreamt about her every night, every morning which gave me the rays of new hope thinking I would see her again at school. When she goes absent I run short of blood in my heart. That day would definitely go worst since the first period. Somehow, I would manage to complete my school time. When I would return back home the loneliness calls out. The land of solitude fills up with air of love. Anannya has now become a dream to me. My day began with her name and ended with her name. The first thought of my day was she and the last before I would go to sleep. I would go sleepless nights thinking about the next day where she would rise before my eyes. The only place I would get to see her was our school. That shared me the best moment I could ever nourish in my heart. I did used to smile when she enters through the classroom door. Didn’t matter to me if her boyfriend walked alongside her cause I knew I was in love with her. I could just listen to my heart not the words I spoke out. Days passed on, my innocent face began to adapt the situations every day. So within few months it was no more a new thing to me. It was a familiar scene before my eyes. In fact I considered it as an opportunity to develop myself as a better person. The faith and trust in the love I had never faded away which kept me on with the believe that someday she would be mine. I went crazy with everything about her. What would I do? No idea where I landed but these days my heart beat for her. Once it used to pump for me but now it was for Anannya. She had now become the breath and life giving support for me. I was satisfied with myself as I could see her everyday at school.