Gone By

by Hajong, Beatone

  My eyes were closed. We have covered more than half a distance. Time had passed. I could roughly make out, we have travelled for two hours. Just one more hour and then I would be back to my institution. The old man even now barely uttered a word. I began to doubt if he’s dumb to speak. But, as per his gestures and movement it doesn’t seemed to be. Maybe he was extreme introvert, which is why we both matched up together not putting up into any conversation between us. The only thing he did was to slid the window glass of his side. So preserved and conservative man was he. Maybe he must be having some kind of trouble but I shouldn’t bother about it. I was even much bothering about myself. Nothing I could manipulate except to think about Anannya. I don’t know if she would come to know, I have been writing about her what would she think back again. I could give her the every reason, every answers and everything necessary for living, but would it be enough to love her. I don’t know if she will ever come back to me. All I have to stop thinking about her. But, that’s not the solution I needed. I wanted her throughout my life. Like a lover wants to be together forever. Such was my aim of my love. Not only that, I could love her even more than how I did used to. All I needed was her which she never meant to understand. There’s no final answer which she printed on my heart but the love we had been final as I supposed. Yes, indeed it was the best thing we had between us. And till today I can feel the glow out of it. Never knew we could be so much more than this, the love grew insanely between us and we were the one who fell in love. And now I truly feel crazy about her, with pure love for her I bore.

  I was still leaning my head at the back support with my closed eyes. Whispering within my heart all the moments I had with her. And now, I’m a broken shadow casted with hype of sorrow and grief. I began to listen to my heart, I began to decorate with all my broken beats and reframe myself all over again. No clue how to do but I had the faith and believe in myself and gradually now I could overcome all through my life. No more doubt in my love and the exclusive endurance of pain of someone losing like her. I can tell with pride she would never be able to feel the real realm of love like I could produce for her. Such inner touch I had for her. At the time when she wasn’t present I felt like I lost the art of smiling but then now I had to reconstruct myself with the pain and sorrow. And yes it’s a better grip now. I can smile far better and quiet well as before. The reason that came was only because of her. No matter her absence mattered me lot but I’ve learned to live my life without her now. Sometimes, she floated before my eyes but then with a blink I bid farewell to her, else that would haunt me for whole of my day. That would really create the pathetic zest within me which I wouldn’t be able to face it. In every breath she used to be my reason, by now I had to cut it down as the time passed on. For now, I had no idea whether she’d be back in my life or she’d settle herself with someone whom she had fallen in love again. I don’t think this love could happen again and again. But for me it could be only once and that’s the feel I would get. Yet, everything now seemed to be fine with my life. I can only regenerate my memories I had. And yes it’s quiet healthy to stay with past memories. Who doesn’t get haunted by past, the thing depends on us how we face it and bring it out as meaning to our lives. Maybe I had fallen so deep in love with Anannya that I could burst out all inner lights for her which I had been enduring for days with every breath of my life. Certainly nothing went right the way we want. But, certain things are meant to happen for the betterment of live and that’s how we experience life. Her love taught me the best part of my life that commenced since the time I had fallen for her. Had no idea she would so meaningful and joyful human being. But, we shouldn’t forget the destiny. They had something different for us and we cannot let them down.

  Thus, when the destiny puts it whole term we as simple human unable to change the way instead we surrender before their hands. Since now I had been writing memoir of my life which finally opened my eyes wide making more wise into this world. I can’t deny the fact of my actions which were indeed not true on my path but yes now I can wholly commit to myself I was learning the best part of my life and that was because of love which I got from the girl I always dreamt about, Anannya. Had she wouldn’t be in my life I wouldn’t have known who am I. That’s the brim of gratitude I still conserved for her which I do really want to pay her from the bottom of my heart. So, passionate was I for her that I could think of doing anything that could make her feel the realm of happiness, but nothing held in my hand unless one day she walked out of my life and the dream of mine left unfulfilled. How unfair did life played with me. However, that left me confine and empty within myself and I couldn’t start to protect myself from haunting thoughts of losing someone like her. At times I thought it wasn’t my hundred percent fault, many parts out of it went to her. She never let me know exactly about her life’s desire. One hint would have changed us. Maybe, she hadn’t had that strength to come up to me and express herself out. I occupy that guilty in me but that wasn’t the valid reason to abandon me.

  I had no idea when we reached Satara. The conductor came up to me and signed to get me down out of the bus. The man beside me still seated. Until now he haven’t uttered a single word. I took one last glimpse of him before I could step out of the bus. The bus was halted in the station. From the front door more passengers were rushing in for the next destination. I had to come out rushing and dashing from the people around that were crowded inside the bus. Finally, I could see the night sky of Satara. Stars were fluttering around the sky. I could see them moving slowly from one position to next. I stopped for an auto. Hired it and took the way towards my college. I managed to glimpsed at my wrist watch out of faded light from the street lamp. It showed me 11:00pm night. Just fifteen minutes more until I reach my room. The auto accelerated. Even my mobile non functional, I couldn’t even rise a voice to talk to Isha. Perhaps she had been trying since yesterday, but I had to make an apology before she says anything beyond the dreadful world. My diary inside my bag and I could sustain myself without any falter which I had determined before I got into the bus leaving for Satara. Yes, I had not discussed any talk about my story with that old man seated beside me neither I opened to write. That was exactly what I wanted until I reach my room.

  Finally, I could see the staircase leading me to my front door. I unlocked the door. Being a student of engineering the only thing that motivated me was my life the way I had been living. For the last two years I had been living in one complete BHK flat. Of course it was expensive to pay the rent but it least bothered me. Because in every walk of my life I always thought the good out of it. Someday, I will be earning more than this and all this would be repaid as debt. I knew my Dad would be having financial crisis many a times being very concern about that I hardly spent for unnecessary things. With lots of moral boost and living style of life I was enduring the sorrow and grieves of a lonely man. If I would knew love would be painful, I wouldn’t have let my heart directed towards it. And today I can feel how it trembled to be one as the victim. I wouldn’t blame Anannya for this, I wouldn’t hurt her for this, I wouldn’t despise her for all. Maybe be I was a fool for saying her I’m in love with you. And everything was lying strange before my eyes. I stepped into my room. My feet made a slow movement. I don’t know for some reason I couldn’t let myself feel good about the time. I just walked and sat at one corner of my bed. The main door was shut, everything was same the way I had left. The bottle of water stood stiff on my table. Perhaps I forgot, that water must have been of about fourteen days old. I drank out of no care. It tasted worst unlike water, but it did quenched my thirst. I was quiet tired enough to do any sort of cleaning of my room. I unpacked the bag. The diary was laid idle on my bed. Mobile fitted on the charging point. Should I make a call to Isha it puzzled me for some time. I undressed myself and was settled by now in the bed for my bedtime stories. The phone rang up. I stretched my arm to reach. I pressed the receiving button and uttered out “Hello “. For the moment there was a silent from the other e
nd.

  “Why the hell you’ve switched off your phone” Isha frowned from the other end.

  “Okay...I went short of battery and I couldn’t let you know for that neither I had any access to inform you” I muttered out.

  “I was so much worried about you”.

  “I’m fine..I have reached safely. I’m good”.

  “I want to meet you as soon as possible”.

  “Give me a week, I shall catch up to you”.

  “Alright I’ll wait for you...do take care” Isha clipped off the line.

  To pass the night I had nothing more than writing up my diary. The next morning I had to catch up all of my friends to gather some news about the ongoing college activities. I was seated on my bed with leg stretched and placed on top of one another. The diary placed on my lap. Beside, a pen was laying. My hands were crisscross. Perhaps I was thinking something which I couldn’t remember. I could deal the night only with my hand notes being written on my diary. I swiftly held the pen in my hand. With no more wastage of time I flipped pages of my diary. Opened the empty page. That was the routine of my life for timing. Maybe I was so much engrossed in writing that I really felt like writing the whole night nonstop. Obsessed with my story I couldn’t let myself free for seconds. May be I was so much determined to construct a book of my life. Yes! It was Isha who boosted me to write. And of course it was Anannya the reason to write. I began to contemplate the days. All I had the option was to script it on a page of my diary. I once thought of narrating to one of my closest friend. But, I had never come across any person who could be my dearest friend. My image had always been an introvert but that didn’t make me feel any awkward cause I knew I was different from the rest. Such realization always kept me on and I was wholly into different world unlike the others. When people enjoyed their life partying I always had some better things to do, which was really creative and useful for the well being. Yes, many did used to avoid my nature, but that didn’t concern me at all, cause I would live at my best, just it was their problem not mine. Some even praised me for my every curriculum that I performed. Some just flattered around. I could see the white page before my eyes. All I needed to make a move of my pen. So, I began to write the next verse of my story.

  Now the year have passed. All have appeared for their entrance exams and waiting for their results to display. Some would go for counselling, some would stay behind. Such fear was whirling in everybody’s mind until the results were out one day. The year 2009 was seemed to be very lucky year for me. I could make to one of engineering institute after the counselling. But, being so perfect and gainful I wasn’t much happy. I always thought about Anannya. I knew now I would be missing her forever. It has been months now since the time we appeared exam we haven’t seen nor we talked. The time to leave for our allotted institution was approaching. I had no idea where she got admission into. Neither I could get any information about her. I was inert to collect news about her. I lacked the circle of local friends around the town. So finally in the month of September I had to leave for Mumbai. Yes for me it was the first time moving to Mumbai from Tura. I had never been to Maharashtra earlier. But, I had the every keen to know about their culture. So with unfolded words and pressed feelings of depth sorrow and squeezed heart I had to leave out from home. Moreover I started to miss Anannya. I always wanted to know where she was but I couldn’t reach to do that. I felt now I almost lost her whole through my life. The separation began to widen, who knew now when the part of our life would meet again. But, I always kept a hope, yes someday during my vacation I would come to visit her. I felt like I was leaving alone for making up my life. It tended me to know where could she be possibly. Even I tried hard to know about her boyfriend. I don’t know what had happen to their relationship now. As it was not only for me to get apart but it was meant for all who were selected for their particular technical institute. I feared what would happen to Anannya. I knew she will be broken if anything happened to disfigure her relationship with her boyfriend. Even it’s same for her boyfriend, it’s obvious her boyfriend would too leave out from the town for graduating. What if they are not meant to be in the same institution or in the same place. Now, there stood a question about their relationship. Would they be able to sustain their distance relation truly. I feared about that, because I didn’t wanted Anannya to get hurt, no matter whatever the situation would be. If her Boyfriend did really loved her truly, I believed he wouldn’t do such thing that could end up their relationship. No matter what’s the distance would be between them. Such traumatic thought began to hover around my head. But, I shouldn’t be so much bothering about that. As she had her boyfriend, Avick beside her. But, something always led me to think about her which I couldn’t project out to know. I knew I was in love but by now my limited brain should know that she can’t be mine anymore.

  I had to tried to forget her, but couldn’t be possible enough to do that. I began to ponder around my head. When the things comes at the stage of parting it’s the hardest thing to do and once it’s done we can keep moving on. But for me it’s unlike the normal life. I couldn’t drive myself to let forget her. All I could do was just have that faith and believe in myself and the almighty. So, with that hope of my life and trust I moved on for Mumbai. There in Mumbai I was called for second counselling. I had to make a choice of my college. Being very much concern about my economic background, I finally chose out a Government institute. So, finally I had to come down to Satara for pursuing Engineering degree. I never knew a single word of Marathi. The only medium I could communicate was Hindi and English. Moreover, the place Satara is completely orthodox with its culture. So, I had no choice of being growing up with those religious orthodox culture. How my life would change here I had no pre thought idea.

  Now, that I was completely new into this world unlike where I had been earlier, Tura. I always wished that Anannya be fine with her life. No matter even if she does not appears in my life, cause that’s inner heart that spoke about. I always prayed good for her. That’s the only thing I could do now. Where she must have been no clue. Which part of the country will she be. Now that I could proudly say I will be an Engineer in future. What future holds who knew and I was protruding out with my life in becoming something. I never thought up to now I could make out this far from home to pursue my graduation. But it was not a new thing for me. Since my small age I had been studying in boarding. So adjusting with the environment wouldn’t be so big deal for me. Now, all I had to join the college and get into it. Nothing should evolve in my mind except for my aim in life, that was the concrete advise that gave me from home. How long I would be able to keep that advise alive, I had no plan to live upon it. I didn’t knew what my Dad meant by that but I still remember what he said and I still respect those words he said to me. With all my proceedings and formalities I finally admitted myself into the college. Now that I had to begin myself in attending classes, mingle around new people. In many cases they failed to understand me, even the way I spoke, it went over head. Many began to question about my native place. And for every question I had to make an elaborate explanation to them. Gradually, I could build friends around me. Days passed on, I began to attend lectures. Sitting in an engineering class for the first time in life, that was really exhilarating. I began to enjoy with every minute seconds of each day. I really began to feel proud of myself not because of anything but my dream of becoming an Engineer had come true. And most of all I had an ample interest in gaining technical knowledge since my childhood. Days have turned into months, my life had been going the same with no new dementia. Gradually I could cop up with people surrounding me. One fact I learned while studying Engineering, there were very less innovative and inspiring people around me.

  The only thing I could do was to inspire myself. However, at many points I needed counselling, which I had to borrow from many renowned Authors. With the passage of time, there were hardly improvement in my life. I couldn’t bear the tag of being an Engineer, cause it never taught m
e anything more than exams and get select into any enterprises. That wasn’t my motive to study Engineering. I wanted to do something creative in my life. Some sort of scientific invention or discovery which could be useful for the people of our world. But for the moment where was I pursuing my graduation had hardly any innovative and research programme. So nothing more I could do than to help myself with the situation. I began to be that sort of person losing my interest in what I wanted to be. As the day passed on, I had become like all the others. Just to study every subject and pass the exam. Not to aim something passionate but to aim at any of business corporation. I don’t know would that bring satisfaction to me, but since it was the condition for me that stretched before my eyes I had to follow silently. Maybe the gain of my technical knowledge would be limited. Indeed, I would rather say the faculty of my branch had hardly any inspiring source. I was like drown into deep ocean, where lectures where taught in vernacular language rather than using the official language English. Every day I sat for lectures I felt like I’m nowhere but in the middle of dry empty desert where all used to nod their heads on the particular topic being taught, whereas me like a fool used to sit in the middle of those nodded crowd. Before I could think about Engineering college I had different perspective about it. But now I could surely say it’s nothing more than like an arts or commerce college. Such was the condition of my life and dream of becoming an excellent Engineer chopped off into pieces. I began to accept what came on my way. Neither could I proceed to change myself in different way. I began to learn and adjust with every situations and trouble that came up in my life. That year went somehow. I could clear the exams and passed out all subjects. So everyone of my friends were happy, completing the first year of engineering. I wasn’t much satisfied. Passing my exams were not my main motive. I began to rethink about my first year, what did I learn. But, as I scrolled back I could possibly see nothing. I have learned only one thing, that was how to pass the exam, but I had nothing creative in my mind from technical background. I began to feel guilty about myself. But that wasn’t my complete fault I consoled myself. I realized what could I need to do to upgrade the realm of my life. For months I studied myself rather than studying any other Authors or any Engineering books. For I believed what lies is within you. Every possibilities lies within you and that’s the answer of your own life. I had to create myself in new dimension that’s what I planned for the rest of my life. I began to work out real for it. To some extent I could pull up myself. Yes of course I couldn’t forget about Anannya. It felt like she was my inside inspiration. And every time I felt low I used to think about her and that boosted me to do something different in life. I even thought someday I would ask her hand to marry me. So, maybe that was the reason I began to work hard for my life. Indeed, I needed to be an eligible for that. No matter where my fate carried I always had her within my heart.