Hidden Blessings

by Kim Cash Tate

  “I’ve read so much about this disease,” Kendra said. “We don’t know what’s around the corner.”

  “Can we take a moment to praise God for what’s at this corner?” Lance said. “You don’t know how relieved I am.”

  “Mr. Alexander, you weren’t imagining the worst, were you?”

  “Um, not the worst, just a sort of nightmarish . . . Okay, yeah.” He took her hand and led her to the elevator. “We need a mini-celebration. I say we do something to celebrate every bit of good news we get as thanks to God, even if it’s just stopping for a bakery treat.”

  Kendra smiled at him as they awaited the elevator. “I think we can do better than a bakery stop.”

  Lance waited, hopeful.

  “They scheduled surgery for mid-November,” Kendra said. “I was thinking in about two weeks, when I’m feeling better from the last chemo, maybe we could take that trip I talked about.”

  They hopped on the elevator.

  “You think you’d be up for a long road trip?” he asked. “I don’t know . . .”

  “I can pack my pillow and sleep in the car,” Kendra said. “What does it matter if I have pain spasms at home or on the road? I want to do this.”

  The elevator opened, and they walked off.

  “It could be our real honeymoon,” Kendra said.

  Lance stared after her. “Who takes a honeymoon to the federal pen?”

  CHAPTER SIXTY-ONE

  November

  KENDRA AND LANCE DROVE TWELVE HOURS TO TALLAHASSEE, arriving Friday evening. They wanted to be able to rest and be at the prison before eight thirty, the start of visiting hours.

  Kendra almost wasn’t allowed to come. Visitors needed to be preapproved, and the inmate needed to know the visitor prior to incarceration. But thankfully, the prison granted an exception for the new daughter-in-law of one of the inmates.

  Inmate. Kendra thought about it and talked about it during the drive, what it was like to be locked up. It wasn’t Lance’s favorite subject, but as she probed, he willingly shared. And Kendra found herself getting sadder. This was his mom’s life, day in and day out. No freedom. No real choices about where to go, what to do. No thought as to how you might enjoy a nice day, because, how could you, other than sitting in the prison courtyard? The beauty of flowers blooming in spring or leaves changing in fall . . . How did one miss that for years?

  She was especially moved once they arrived at the facility itself. The wire, the guards. Filling out paperwork. Clearing the metal detector. All the hoops that had to be cleared just for an inmate to have contact with someone from the outside world. And now, watching the faces of eager kids waiting to visit with their moms . . .

  Kendra didn’t know what she was feeling. But there was something about life and its twists and turns, the way things didn’t turn out as planned. Lance had told her some of the stories of the women here. Many weren’t hardened criminals. One bad decision, often the choice of a boyfriend, had started the downhill slide. And Kendra knew—as an attorney—if you got snagged in the federal system, you could get decades behind bars for a drug-related offense. More time than murderers and rapists. Time away from these little kids.

  She felt a weird kinship with their stories. An interrupted existence. An unexpected journey. Being suddenly very aware that your life is not in your control.

  Lance put an arm around her as they waited. “You okay, babe? You’ve been quiet.”

  Kendra nodded. “Just . . . this little girl right here, probably Brooklyn’s age. She can’t sit still. She’s full of so much anticipation. I wonder when was the last time she saw her mom . . . and how long before she’ll see her again?” She looked at Lance. “Life. You know?”

  “Breaks my heart whenever I come,” Lance said.

  The door opened and the visitors stood, looking for their loved ones. The little girl ran forward, saying, “Mommy! Mommy!” Her mother broke into a wide grin and held her tight.

  “Here comes my mom.” Lance smiled, moving forward.

  Anticipation built in Kendra’s heart as she searched faces. She’d seen pictures of Lance’s mother and knew she’d recognize her—and there she was, in khaki pants and shirt, her hair pulled into a ponytail. Kendra saw the resemblance immediately between mother and son, more so than in the photos, although his mom was petite. And she saw the love between them, too, as they embraced.

  When they let go, his mom came directly to Kendra and hugged her too.

  Lance laughed a little. “Mom, this is Kendra. Kendra, this is my mom, Pamela.”

  “I got all the intro I needed through the letters and pictures Kendra sent,” Pamela said. She smiled at Kendra. “I couldn’t wait to see you. Oh, you don’t know how excited I was to hear about the wedding. You were a gorgeous bride.”

  “Thank you, Pamela,” Kendra said. “I really wanted to share the day with you.”

  They walked into the courtyard and sat together at a table.

  Lance leaned in. “So how are you, Mom? Catch me up.”

  Pamela beamed. “They got me in here preaching now.”

  Lance looked impressed. “All right now.” He grinned. “Tell me about it.”

  “Well, the women call it preaching,” Pamela said. “I’m just sharing one evening a week from my own Bible study.” She winked at him. “Those notes you send from your messages come in handy. I tell them when something I’m saying is from you. They know I’m proud of my son.”

  “Tell them I’m proud of my mom.” Lance put an arm around her and squeezed her. “I really am. This is awesome.”

  “Pamela, I’d love to hear what your last message was about,” Kendra said.

  Pamela started right in. “Girl, I was coming from Matthew 6, where Jesus is telling them, ‘What are you anxious for? God is feeding the birds and dressing the lilies Himself, and you think He can’t take care of you?’ ” Her entire self got animated. “I wanted the ladies to know that even here behind bars, God cares about us, and He’s taking care of us.” She chuckled. “Shoot, if it didn’t encourage nobody else, it sure encouraged me.”

  “Wow,” Kendra said, pondering it, “that encourages me too.”

  Pamela looked at her. “How are you feeling? I know about your illness, but I’m wondering how you’re feeling inside, in your soul.”

  “That’s a good question,” Kendra said. “I don’t get that one very often.” She thought about it. “I get depressed sometimes, especially if I’m focusing on the illness. So I try to make myself focus on God’s goodness, which always includes Lance.” She glanced at him. “You raised a phenomenal son.”

  The light faded a little from Pamela’s eyes. “The way he turned out had nothing to do with me. It was in spite of me.” A hint of emotion entered her voice as she looked at her son. “I thank God every day for this boy, and for saving him—and then using him to save me.”

  Her words struck Kendra. “That’s really something, Lance. God used you to save your mom and your wife.”

  “It is something,” Lance said, “because He used Pastor Lyles to save me, when I was locked up.”

  “Pamela,” Kendra said, “I’d like to ask you the same question. How are you feeling, in your soul, knowing you’ll be here for a long time, especially when a twenty-year sentence is so unfair?” She added, “I honestly think I would go crazy.”

  “I ’bout did go crazy,” Pamela said. “I couldn’t believe my ex-boyfriend hardly got any time, and he was the dealer. But he gave up another dealer, and that’s what the prosecutors wanted. I felt like my life was over, like there was no point to anything.”

  Kendra nodded, imagining herself in her shoes.

  “But you know what?” Pamela gave her a look. “God checked my whole perspective. I blamed my ex-boyfriend, but I knew what he was doing, and let him do it from my house, because I was a user. And if I hadn’t gotten locked up, I might still be a user.” She’d thought about this—that was clear. “And it was here that God got my attention and brought m
e to my knees for the first time in my life. So I found freedom in Christ after losing my freedom in the world.”

  Pamela had barely let that settle when she added, “We’ve got something in common, daughter-in-law.”

  Kendra had yet to wrap her mind around the other words. “What’s that?”

  “I can focus on the length of my sentence and stay depressed, like you with your illness. Or I can focus on God’s goodness and know that I’ll have an eternity to enjoy with Him.”

  Kendra sat back, rocked by her words. “I wish I could say we have that in common,” she said. “I don’t do that enough—focus on eternity. Even when I’m focusing on God’s goodness, it’s about what’s here and now, like Lance.”

  “Honey, by all means, enjoy your here and now,” Pamela said. “Enjoy freedom, both kinds.” She chuckled at that. “But keep your eyes on the hope to come. Ooh, when I think about it. It’ll be glorious!”

  Kendra got goose bumps. “When I told Lance I wanted to come here, it was to meet his mom, but I was also thinking it would be good to come and encourage you.” She shook her head. “You’ve encouraged me, and we haven’t even been here an hour.”

  “Don’t think I’m not encouraged,” Pamela said. “It does my heart some kinda good to see that my son chose you as his wife. That right there . . .” She pointed between her and Lance. “That’s real love. It still exists. That encourages me.”

  Kendra and Lance stayed in the courtyard several hours with Pamela, and before they knew it, a guard was announcing, “Five more minutes!”

  “It’s three o’clock already?” Kendra asked.

  Around the visiting area, the excitement of the morning was turning into sadness, especially as kids began to cry, saying good-bye to their moms.

  Kendra felt sad herself as they stood. “I’m so glad I had this time with you,” she said. “Now I know my phenomenal husband has a phenomenal mom. I loved seeing the two of you together.”

  “And I loved seeing the two of you together,” Lance said. “My two favorite girls in the world.”

  Kendra hugged her. “I don’t know when I’ll . . . see . . .” Tears choked her words, if she’d had words. She didn’t quite know what to say.

  “Seeing you right now today blessed me like crazy,” Pamela said. “I have a daughter.” She hit Lance. “You take care of my daughter, you hear me?”

  Lance’s eyes had welled with tears, and Kendra knew it was because he wouldn’t see his mom for a while. “I’ll take care of Kendra,” he said, “and as always, trusting God to take care of you.”

  “Can’t nobody do it better,” Pamela said. She held tight to her son. “Love you, my baby boy.”

  Kendra and Lance watched her disappear behind the thick, locked door.

  CHAPTER SIXTY-TWO

  LANCE COULDN’T WAIT TO SEE THE LOOK ON KENDRA’S FACE. They were headed back to St. Louis as far as she knew, and she’d fallen fast asleep soon after they left Tallahassee. But less than three hours later, he’d exited off the highway toward another destination. He wondered how long it would take Kendra to wake up and figure it out.

  Using the map feature on his phone, he’d navigated his way. He parked and cut the engine.

  Kendra stirred and stretched. “Stopping for gas or are we eating?” she asked, eyes still shut.

  “We’ll probably do both . . . during our stay here.”

  Kendra peeked open an eye. “Where are we?”

  “On our honeymoon.”

  She sat up and looked around. “Where?”

  “Pensacola Beach.”

  “Oh my goodness, seriously? How did you do this?”

  Lance looked at her. “Are you acting like it’s a miracle that I’ve planned something? You saw our wedding, didn’t you?”

  “Which you didn’t plan.”

  “I asked a question that put the plan in motion,” Lance said. “Same thing.”

  “Uh-huh,” Kendra said. “So what question did you ask that put this in motion?”

  Lance laughed. “I asked about vacation spots in this area, since we’d be down here. Somebody knew somebody who owned this condo and made a call.” Lance looked up at the building. “It’s supposed to be the penthouse.”

  “Are you serious?” Kendra asked. “How long will we be here?”

  “Three nights,” Lance said. “It’s not long, but I didn’t want to take a chance. I knew you needed to get back soon for lab work and other tests before surgery.”

  Kendra looked at him. “Three days and nights with my husband, at the beach, on a honeymoon . . . sounds like forever to me.”

  Lance had already been full from the visit with his mom, but this—special time with Kendra—was taking him over the top. They’d done a little shopping—“for the things I would’ve packed, had I known”—had a romantic dinner by the water, and slow-walked the beach. It almost felt normal.

  And while “normal” for Kendra came with physical challenges, it was as if God had given them a vacation even from that. At least from the worst of it. On the balcony reclined on a double chaise with his wife, soaking in an amazing view, there was no place he’d rather be.

  “So when do you see yourself becoming lead pastor of a church?” Kendra asked.

  Lance eyed her. “Where did that come from?”

  “Popped into my mind,” Kendra said. “You always say you don’t ‘see’ it, so I’m wondering when you think that’ll be.”

  “How would I know?” Lance asked. “I’d have to see it first. Then I’ll know.”

  “Is it that you’re still uncomfortable because of what happened in high school?”

  “Actually, no,” Lance said. “Once the Bible studies got going, that fell away. But that’s the thing. I love what we’re doing Wednesday nights. It’s fruitful. People are being impacted.” He sighed. “I’ve prayed a lot about the church-plant idea, and I really don’t hear God saying to take that big step.”

  “But if you felt that’s what God was saying, you’d go that route?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Okay.” Kendra paused. “I just don’t want you to hold back on anything God’s telling you to do because of me.”

  “Well, that’s funny,” Lance said, “because you are what God’s telling me to do.”

  She leaned into his shoulder. “What were His exact instructions?”

  “Very simple. To love you.” He snuggled closer. “How am I doing?”

  “Hmm . . . I don’t know,” Kendra said. “I think I need more evidence.” She tilted her head up and kissed him lightly, then tossed her eyes, thinking. “I’m still not fully persuaded . . .”

  She turned more toward him and kissed him again, and slowly it grew deeper . . . deeper than they’d ever experienced.

  “I love you so much,” Kendra said, kissing him still.

  Lance could feel her heart beating against his. “I love you too.”

  Kendra pulled away, got up from the chaise, and took his hand. He stood with her, and she kissed him again.

  “Let’s go into the bedroom,” she said, “where we can be more comfortable.”

  Lance hesitated, not wanting to assume.

  She held him. “I’m sure, Lance.”

  “But what if . . . I don’t want to . . .”

  She was kissing him again. And this time he allowed himself to get lost in it.

  “Oh my gosh!” Kendra’s voice sounded as though she could barely contain her excitement. “Look! Look! I got the shot!”

  Lance came over and checked the back of her camera. “Look at that!” he said, smiling. “Perfect.”

  “Really?” A balmy breeze swept across her face. “You’re not just saying that?”

  “The picture speaks for itself,” Lance said. “You caught a flock of seagulls taking flight, with different wingspans, different heights off the ground. You’re becoming a pro with shutter speed.”

  “Aww,” Kendra said, pointing to a corner of the picture. “I just noticed these two about
to take off, looking at the others like, ‘Hey, wait for us!’ ”

  “Very cool, Mrs. Alexander.”

  She sat on a blanket, working on a close-up of a seashell. “Every vacation we take needs to be by the water.”

  “Because?”

  “The photography vibe,” Kendra said. “Being out here at sunrise and sunset, catching the colors reflecting off the water . . . amazing.” She glanced up at him. “What?”

  Lance sat beside her. “That’s the first time I’ve heard you talk about anything future with respect to the two of us.”

  Kendra rested the camera on the blanket. “And I didn’t think before I said it.”

  “It’s nice to think about though.”

  She picked up some sand, let it run through her fingers.

  Lance intertwined his fingers with hers. “Sometimes, especially these past two days, I can’t help but hope. I find myself thinking, what if? You know? What . . . if?”

  “I was thinking something else these past two days,” Kendra said, “that it’s like a dream, being with you. And I wouldn’t have it—I wouldn’t have you—if I had a normal life with normal thoughts about a normal future. And I knew without a doubt . . .” She looked at him. “I’d take you and this over normal.”

  Lance felt like his heart would burst. Lord, if You take this woman from me, I don’t know what I’ll do. What he hoped—what he wanted—was for them to beat the odds . . . for this honeymoon to be a foretaste of a long life together.

  CHAPTER SIXTY-THREE

  THE MORNING OF SURGERY SEEMED TO COME QUICKLY. KENDRA arrived at the hospital before dawn. She wanted to get this done, to have the surgeon remove all the milk ducts, lobules, fat, blood vessels, lymph channels—and cancer—from her chest, as well as the lymph nodes from under her armpit. Her left breast had been the cancerous one, but they were going to remove the right breast as well, as a precaution. Although everything about this entire process was painful, and her mind couldn’t yet fathom a flat chest, she couldn’t wait to be rid of the heavy weight—both physical and mental—that she lived with daily. She couldn’t wait to believe that today, just maybe, she’d be cancer-free, or well on her way.