There was a long moment of silence then Mom took a deep ragged breath. "This is because of your father and me, isn't it?" Her voice quavered emotionally as she started to cry. "We've ruined the whole institution of marriage for you, haven't we?"
"Mom," I pleaded as tears pricked my eyes. She was right of course, but I wasn't going to tell her that and make her feel worse. "It's just too soon, you know that."
"I...I just want you to be happy and taken care of," she sobbed out and my tears let loose and streamed down my cheeks. "I don't want you to end up alone like me."
"Damn it, Mom," I blurted out between sobs. "Now you've got me crying too."
"I'm sorry, baby," she said with a thick voice. "I'm just really worried about you. You must be so scared right now."
"I...I am, Mom," I admitted quietly through a blurry curtain of tears. "But I'll be okay." I didn't know if I really believed that or not, but she was already upset enough right now. I didn't want to freak her out with my messed up head. I could hear her sobbing quietly right along with me. Apparently, being pregnant turned me into an emotional wreck just like my mother. I shuddered at the thought.
"Mom, I have to go," I finally told her when I calmed down a little. "Do you want to have lunch later this week?" I decided to throw her a bone. I'd been avoiding her since Thanksgiving, and I felt like a bad daughter.
"I'd like that very much, baby," she said, sounding a little calmer.
"I'll call you tomorrow or Tuesday to set it up, okay?"
"Alright," she whispered. "I love you."
"I love you too, Mom. Bye"
I ended the call and sighed. Talking to Mom was exhausting under normal circumstances, and I wondered how I was going to make it through this pregnancy without killing someone or losing my mind. I sat staring at my phone feeling lost and alone for a moment before I opened my contact list and called Ford. He was the only one who knew how much I was really struggling right now, and I desperately needed to talk to someone.
"Hi, Natie," my big brother greeted me enthusiastically when he picked up on the first ring.
'Hi, Ford." My voice was still thick from crying, and of course my brother noticed immediately.
"Have you been crying, Natalie?" His voice was filled with concern. "What's wrong?"
"I just talked to Mom," I grumbled out. "She wants me to get married. She wants a damn Christmas wedding."
"Holy hell, she's clinically insane," Ford blurted out in exasperation.
"And so am I," I said as tears threatened again, my voice getting small and pathetic.
"You're not crazy, Natie," he said vehemently. "Well, no crazier than me anyway, and I'm pretty damn functional considering my idiotic past."
"I'm an emotional mess right now, Ford," I confessed with a sigh. "I keep crying all the time, and I'm terrified. And David seems so happy about this baby, and I'm going to be a horrible Mom. Then he's going to leave me and take my baby with him because I'm an unfit mother." I started sobbing again and didn't even bother to try to stem the tide this time. Ford made me feel safe to let myself go.
"Natalie," Ford said soothingly. "Calm down. You're working yourself into a frazzled mess. None of that even remotely makes sense."
"I know," I whimpered softly. "I'm all hormonal and freaking out, but I can't seem to stop. I don't know what to do."
"Have you told David how you're feeling?" he asked softly.
"No," I blurted out pathetically as guilt came over me. I could hear Ford let out an exasperated sigh.
"Why?" he asked in confusion. "Shouldn't he be the one that you're sharing all this with? You love him and you're carrying his baby, for Christ's sake."
"After...after what Paige did to him, I don't want to let him down. I don't want him to think that I don't want his baby. I don't want to hurt him."
"At what cost to yourself, Natie?" he asked in a worried voice. "David wouldn't want you doing this to yourself. You need to tell him."
"I just can't, Ford." I closed my eyes and felt the warm tears dripping off of my chin. "If he thought for even one second that I didn't want our baby, it would destroy him." I started sobbing again, my heart aching in my chest.
"Natalie," Ford said consolingly. "I'm really worried about you. Where are you? I'll come see you."
I heard the front door open and straightened up suddenly, rubbing at my face to wipe the tears away. "David's home from his run. I have to go, Ford."
"Please talk to him, Natalie," Ford said softly. "He needs to know so he can help you. You can't keep this from him."
"I'll call you tomorrow." I ignored what he said. Great, now I was a terrible sister.
"Natie," Ford pleaded.
"Bye." I ended the call just as David walked into his room. His cheeks were red from the cold and his eyes glittered brightly as he smiled at me. He was so beautiful that it took my breath away. I watched his smile falter as he walked up to the bed and took a closer look at my tear stained face.
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" he asked softly as he sat on the bed next to me.
"I just talked to Mom," I said. "She's bat-shit crazy."
"What did she say this time?" His smile started to return, but it seemed forced this time as he wiped the last tear off of my cheek. His eyes looked sad to me, like I just disappointed him in some way. Did he suspect that I was keeping things from him?
"She wants to plan a Christmas wedding," I blurted out without thinking, then cringed inwardly. What if that was what David wanted too? Shit. His eyes widened in surprise as fear ghosted across them.
"This Christmas?" he asked incredulously.
"Yeah."
David suddenly stiffened with panicked eyes. He looked like he had just stepped on a land mine and was afraid to move. "Is...is that what you want, sweetheart?" he said, enunciating each word carefully. If I hadn't been so upset, I might have found it funny.
"Oh hell no," I blurted out. "She's insane. We can't get married this soon. I am not having a shotgun wedding. I'm not getting married until I'm ready." Which might be never.
"Okay," he breathed out. He face was a picture of pure relief as he let out the breath he had been holding.
"You looked like a deer in headlights there for a second, my love," I said with a genuine smile.
"I didn't want you to think that just because I don't want to get married right away, that I don't want to be with you, Natalie." He caressed my face with gentle fingers as he leaned in closer. "I don't need a marriage certificate to know that I love you and I want to be with you. Always." He whispered that last word just before his lips touched mine. His kiss was sweet and loving and passionate all at the same time. It took my breath away. Maybe Ford was right, maybe I should tell him how insecure and scared I was.
He pulled back and his eyes flicked over my shoulder. His expression seemed suddenly irritated. I followed his gaze to the glass of water and little chewable prenatal vitamin sitting untouched on the nightstand.
"You haven't taken your prenatal vitamin or drank your water, sweetheart," he said in a slightly scolding tone that set me instantly on edge. "You know you need to take them, and I don't want you getting dehydrated either."
"Okay," I answered in a tight voice as I bit back the sarcastic comment I wanted to say. The damn nanny was back again. Any thought of talking to him about my problems disappeared entirely, replaced by annoyance.
"I'm going to get you some more water, too." He rose abruptly. "I'll be right back." I glared at his back as he walked out. Then I abruptly leapt out of bed and hurried into the bathroom. I turned on the shower and got in before he could come back and push that damn vitamin on me. I couldn't be responsible for what I might say to him.
I stayed in the shower longer than I needed to, just to get some time to myself. At one point, I heard David walk in and tell me he left my vitamin and glass of water on the vanity for me to take when I got out. I bristled and mumbled an affirmative that didn't hide my irritation as much as I would have liked. Then I kept rep
eating to myself that he was just trying to take care of me and the baby because of what Paige did to him. It was getting harder to keep my mouth shut.
When I got out of the shower, I stood at the vanity glaring at my prenatal vitamin. Part of me wanted to flush it down the toilet just to be spiteful. I picked it up and stepped over to the toilet then opened the lid, fully prepared to toss the damn thing in. A guilty jolt stopped me in my tracks. I stared down at my belly and pressed my hand to it. What am I doing? My baby needed this and I was acting like a child again. Yay, I was going to be the mother of the year at this rate. I put it in mouth and chewed it up with the bitter taste of shame in my mouth and tears in my eyes yet again.
Chapter Six
David
When I walked into the bedroom after my shower Monday morning, I was greeted with the sight of Natalie packing her clothes into her tote bag.
"What are you doing?" I asked in confusion as I stood watching her.
"I'm packing my stuff," she said in a slightly exasperated voice that set me on edge.
"What for?" I walked toward her, naked and not even caring that I was cold and needed to get dressed. What was she doing? Was she leaving me? My chest began to ache.
"I'm going home tonight after work," she said as she turned to face me with a perplexed expression. "I haven't been to my apartment in a while. I need to get my mail and clean up the place. I've got shit loads of laundry to do and a huge project due at work this week too."
"But...I...I thought..." I trailed off, suddenly afraid to tell her that I thought she was moving in with me. She'd been here for most of the last few weeks after all. I made room for her stuff and everything. She was carrying our baby for God's sake. How could I take care of her if she wasn't here with me?
"Thought what?" she asked in bewilderment as she cocked her head at me.
"That...that you were moving in with me," I murmured quietly.
She stared at me like I had just grown a second head, and I realized that I was an idiot. We weren't on the same page at all it seemed. It had been feeling like that a lot lately. I suddenly felt vulnerable standing naked in front of her. I turned away from her incredulous expression, and pulled some underwear out of my dresser drawer then swiftly pulled them on.
"David," she said quietly as her voice turned tremulous. "I...I can't do that. It's too soon. We've only been dating for two months."
I couldn't speak for a moment as I stood with my back still to her. I closed my eyes and felt pain squeeze my heart. She was my everything, my life, my very breath. My baby was inside her, and she called what we had dating? I thought what we had was so much more than that. I suddenly felt angry and bitter with my stupid assumptions, and with her for thinking so little of our relationship. I felt like I was careening toward heartbreak all over again, and it was too late to save myself.
"Fine," I said harsher than I intended, and walked into my closet to get dressed without looking at her. I couldn't let her see how much she just hurt me. I jerked one of my button-down shirts off its hanger and pulled it on. I was buttoning it with my back toward the bedroom when I heard Natalie speak from the closet doorway.
"David?" Her voice was soft and tremulous. "What's wrong?"
I squeezed my eyes shut as I gritted my teeth. What's wrong? I wanted to ask her if she wanted our baby, if she still wanted me. She seemed miserable since finding out that I got her pregnant, and she had been acting annoyed with me all week. I'm fairly sure I knew what the answer would be now. I didn't want to hear those words of rejection again. I couldn't stomach facing the truth. I wasn't ready to find out that my dream of having a family was destined never to happen. It was just that now, a dream.
"Nothing is wrong," I answered her in a monotone as I tried to stifle my emotions. "I need to be at work early today," I lied with my back still to her. I needed to get out of here before I lost it, and started begging and pleading with her not to leave me, and not to take my child away from me. I didn't want to be pathetic like that again. It was emasculating enough when I begged Paige to stay with me. I wasn't going to fucking do that again. I wouldn't be weak this time. I wouldn't let her know what she was doing to me. I wouldn't give her that power over me.
I could feel her eyes on me as I grabbed a pair of my khaki work pants off its hanger and slipped them on. I ignored her until she walked away, feeling guilty for treating her like this, which in turn made me angry at myself for acting like a pussy. When I went to get a pair of socks from my dresser, she had already left the room with her bag. I opened her drawer and was relieved that she hadn't emptied it out yet, but I guess it was just a matter of time before she did. I shoved the drawer shut harder than I intended and got my socks from the next one down.
When I was finished getting my shoes and socks on, I went out to the kitchen to find Natalie making some toast and some decaf coffee. Her face was a little pale, and her eyes looked glassy like she might cry. It pained me to see her hurting, and my resolve not to react emotionally faltered.
"Sweetheart, are you feeling okay?" I asked her in a quiet voice that sounded pathetic to me. I cringed inwardly, disgusted with myself again.
"I'm just really nauseous again," she said dejectedly without meeting my eyes. She stared unseeing into her coffee mug while she stirred in her cream and sugar. It broke my heart, and I lost my resolve. I came up behind her and wrapped my arms around her, breathing in the scent of pears in her hair. What would I do when I didn't have this anymore? What would I do without her in my life? I didn't want to go back to the way things used to be, when I was alone and deluded and pathetic. I held her tight in desperation, and she relaxed into me.
"I love you so much, Natalie," I whispered in her ear, while on the inside a loop of "please don't leave me" played over and over in my head.
"I love you too," she murmured as she pushed back against me, snuggling deeper into my embrace. I wanted to believe her when she said it, but I was starting to doubt her, and it made me feel sick. I believed Paige for years, and look what that got me.
"I have to go," I said in an even voice that I couldn't believe I pulled off. It was a good half-hour early for me to leave, but I had to get out of here before I embarrassed myself by blubbering.
"Don't you want breakfast?" she turned in my arms and touched my face gently. "I'm making you some toast too."
"Like I said, I have to go in early today." I stared helplessly at her gorgeous face with a pang of regret. "I'll get something on the way. I'll call you later, sweetheart."
I gave her a kiss that went on longer than I intended, since part of me kept thinking that this kiss could be my last as I waited for her to destroy me. I broke away and felt myself trembling. I needed to get out of here right now.
"Good-bye, Natalie," I whispered as I caressed her cheek with my fingertips.
"Good-bye, David," she smiled wanly at me. "I'll miss you today."
"I'll miss you too," I murmured. Especially when you're gone for good.
I hurried out of the house after that, grabbing my coat and pulling it on after I was already outside. I drove to work feeling numb and empty inside. When I got there, I went straight to the cafeteria. I got a large coffee and a bagel, then sat in the same table where Natalie had found me all those weeks ago, because apparently, I liked torturing myself.
I sat there sipping at my coffee, staring at my untouched bagel, and wallowing in self-pity until it was time to go up to the psych unit. I tossed the uneaten bagel in the trash and refilled my coffee. I didn't know how I was going to make it through the rest of the day, and maybe more caffeine would help. Unfortunately, all the caffeine in the world wouldn't be enough to get through the rest my life alone, without Natalie and my baby.
***********
I made it to mid-morning before I couldn't take it anymore, and texted Natalie on my break. I was worried about her and the baby. What if she wasn't eating enough or not getting enough fluids? It was killing me not knowing if she was okay.
Are you feeling better now, sweetheart? I sent, after wavering whether to send it or not for a few minutes. I planned to start distancing myself from Natalie to try to protect myself, but I just couldn't do it.
I'm okay.
I was hoping for something more detailed, so I texted her again.
Did you remember your vitamin this morning?
Yes. Another short succinct reply. Annoyance flared inside me.
Don't forget to drink plenty of water. You need at least 64 ounces per day, remember?
Okay.
You should have a snack now too.
Okay. I stared at her replies with pursed lips. It seemed like she had decided to distance herself from me first. I ground my teeth in frustration, feeling worse than when I started this text conversation. Fine, two could play this game.
Okay. Bye. I hit send, hoping to get some kind of reaction, but she didn't text me back.
I shoved my phone into my pocket with a growl, and glanced at the clock in the break room. I still had five more minutes, but I didn't care. I stalked to the sink and dumped my coffee. I was starting to feel jittery from all the caffeine I'd drunk today. I was already irritable enough without adding more energy to it.
At lunch, I gave in and called her, but it went straight to voice mail. Was she avoiding me now? What the fuck? I texted her again, asking if she would call me. She sent a short reply that she was in a lunch meeting and couldn't talk. She didn't even offer to call me later. I sat alone in the cafeteria and stared at my barely touched lunch. I growled under my breath then picked up my fork and started forcing down the salad that I didn't really want anymore.
Suddenly, my phone started vibrating on the table next to me with a text. Oh thank God. However, it wasn't Natalie texting me. It was Diana. My bad mood deepened instantly.
Will you stop by to see me tonight on your way home from work?
I let out a harsh, heavy breath. We hadn't communicated in any way since Saturday when she blindsided me. I'd been avoiding thinking about it, since I was having a hard time dealing with her betrayal. I just didn't understand why she had done this behind my back and thought it would be okay. Hearing from my father had shaken me to the core.
You Are My Life: Breathless Book 3 Page 11