Reclaiming Love (Tainted Love Book 2)

by Lily Zante

  “Either you tell me what’s going on or I’m going to call your parents and tell them I’m worried about you.”

  That shook her up. She opened both her eyes. “I’m fine.”

  “You don’t look fine.”

  In a bid to prove otherwise, she dragged her body up and hoisted herself further up the bed until she reached the headrest. Reaching over she grabbed a pillow and hugged it for comfort.

  Heather got up off the floor and sat down beside her with her body perched on the bed. She observed Melissa closely.

  “Where did you go?”

  “To see Matt.”

  Heather’s face tightened. “Why?”

  “To tell him it’s over,” Melissa said, wearily.

  “And you had to go this afternoon? All of a sudden?”

  Melissa nodded.

  “And he said?”

  “Okay. He said okay.”

  Heather looked right through her. “He said it was ‘okay’?” Her quiet disbelief spoke volumes.

  Melissa nodded and refused to return her friend’s prolonged stare. She had to keep it together even though the world swayed around her and Heather’s worries and concerns fluttered over her head like dandelion fluffs floating away. Still. She had to keep it together. Because.

  He hadn’t raped her.

  She’d let him.

  He hadn’t forced himself on her.

  She’d let him.

  She had.

  She’d made a deal.

  There had been consent.

  So it wasn’t a big deal.

  It wouldn’t scar her for life.

  She wasn’t a victim.

  She was fine.

  Just fine.

  She was going to be fine.

  “He said ‘okay’ and let you walk away? That easily?” Heather persisted, which made Melissa more determined than ever to ensure the truth never came out.

  “Why’s that so hard to believe?” Melissa looked her friend in the eye.

  “Because he’s not that kind of guy.”

  Melissa stared at her feet and wished that Heather would leave her in peace. She didn’t want to talk about this now, or ever. “I’m tired.” Her toenails needed painting, she thought. “I need to get some sleep, if you don’t mind.”

  Heather gave her a searching look. She knew something was up. The two of them could read each other like a book. But she would never, ever tell Heather what she’d done. The shame of it just about killed her.

  Chapter 32

  “It’s a few days after New Year’s, ma’am. Perhaps you might have some resolutions or goals for the year to put into action?”

  The presumptuous little idiot, Melissa thought, biting back her tongue. Her patience had run out. “I’m not interested in any offers you have. But I am interested in cancelling my membership. Thank you.”

  “Well, if you’re absolutely sure—”

  “I am. Can you do this or do I need to come over in person and ask your manager to do it for me?” She was never one to be rude to people, but this assistant had sorely tested Melissa this morning.

  She could almost imagine the set face of the surly woman at the other end, could feel it in the ominous silence that followed. Then, “Done. You are effectively terminated.”

  Melissa put down the phone and wondered why it had taken nearly ten minutes of her time to explain something so simple. She wanted to cut off all chances of running into him. Cancelling her gym membership hadn’t been necessary since there were other hours, when he did not go, that she could have gone. Especially now that she’d started to appreciate the gym and the benefits a good workout gave her. But that place tasted of him, was somehow linked to him always now—and it was that link she wanted to sever.

  She would still have to suffer seeing him at work.

  Yet there were other far more important matters that needed her attention. With that in mind, she’d left early this morning and gone straight to the coffee shop desperately needing to see Noah.

  He wasn’t there.

  With no obvious way of contacting him, she couldn’t explain her side of events to him. Seen from his eyes, things looked worse than bad. She looked worse than bad.

  He hated her. How could he not? There was no way, given what he’d seen, no way in the world that she’d come out of this unscathed. He had already judged her—she’d seen the look in his eyes—standing next to Matt in the kitchen, and who could blame him for misreading the situation?

  Knowing Matt as well as she had come to, she didn’t put it past him to stretch the truth. He wouldn’t own up to what he’d made her do, but she knew he’d twist the truth somehow. That he would slip something into the conversation with Noah at some point. The problem was it wouldn’t be the truth.

  If she hated herself for what she’d let Matt do, she hated herself even more for what she’d done to Noah. Now she was stuck in a situation she didn’t know how to get herself out of. What sucked even more was that she worked at the same place as the man who had violated her.

  Remember, you’re not a victim. You gave him consent.

  Besides, lots of people had dirty secrets they carried around like valium pills. This could be hers.

  Her only hope was to pray she never had any computer problems this year. Or that he’d opt out and let some other support guy resolve the calls on her floor.

  Nadine opened the door to her office and peered outside. “Melissa—do you have a moment?”

  “Sure.” She got her notepad and pen ready and walked into Nadine’s office.

  Nadine looked at her expectantly, as if she had an announcement to make. “Is everything alright?” Melissa had hoped her laid-on-too-thick makeup would do more than cover her blemishes: she’d hoped it would hide the shame she carried around with her.

  Apparently not.

  Melissa laughed off Nadine’s concern. “Sure. I think I’m still dealing with the shock of returning to work after the Christmas break.” Nadine’s staid expression told her she wasn’t too convincing.

  Nadine got up and took the empty chair next to Melissa. “Please don’t mind me saying this, but lately, you’ve seemed…not your useful cheerful self. Is it the work? Anything else? Sandra? Mitchell?”

  Melissa shook her head again and met Nadine’s stare. She forced herself to smile. “No, I’m fine.” She tried to think of something to put Nadine off her scent and found it. “Mr. Zimmerman says we’re going to be busier than ever. Is something going on?”

  Distracting Nadine might be a better option; otherwise, the way she felt right now, Melissa was sure she would dissolve into tears if Nadine continued to probe a moment longer.

  Nadine’s lips formed a thin, closed line as she folded her hands in her lap. “Well—I do have some news for you.” From the glum look on Nadine’s face, Melissa knew it wasn’t good news. “I want to tell you myself before Michael makes his announcement.”

  Melissa braced herself for the worst—that Nadine was leaving the company. It would be another blow to her fast imploding world. She sat up straighter, ready to hear the news she knew would impact her. It wasn’t just her personal life that was crumbling around her; her working life was falling to pieces as well.

  “Are you leaving?”

  “I’m going to Europe. For a year.”

  “A year?”

  “As far as I know.” Nadine stared out of the window.

  Melissa ruminated on the implications of a year without Nadine. How was that going to work for her? She wondered who she would now report to in her boss’s absence and what her day-to-day workload would look like. She wouldn’t be Nadine’s assistant anymore, no matter how much Nadine tried to convince her otherwise.

  “You don’t sound so excited about it.” Melissa probed.

  Nadine sat, shoulders slumped. Gone was the vitality and exuberance of the woman who always jumped at the new projects and challenges that Mr. Zimmerman threw her way. She let out a sigh. “Things were beginning to work out for me here
.” Nadine shook her head. “A year ago, even six months ago, this would have been the opportunity of a lifetime. But now…”

  Melissa knew what the problem was. Nadine now had Ethan. She’d found her soulmate. And giving him up for what would have been one of the many highlights of her career, was now asking too much.

  Who’d want to give that up?

  “I don’t want you to worry about this—I know how hard it was for you when I was in Europe for a month. I’m going to figure out how we’re going to handle your workload—and that depends on what Michael thinks is going to happen to my workload.” Nadine attempted a brave smile. “I’ll see to it that you aren’t faced with the same problems you had the last time.”

  Melissa knew Nadine would look out for her. But she wanted to know who would look out for Nadine. “What does Ethan think?”

  “He thinks I’ve already made up my mind,” Nadine replied. The cool and composed mask she often wore so well slipped a little. She’d seen Nadine handle the toughest work pressure, with deadlines and difficult clients wanting a piece of her all the time. She’d seen Nadine negotiate with Michael, dispense her easy firmness and develop a thick skin when it came to Sandra. She’d seen her coast through all these difficult waters with more composure than her predecessor—and still Nadine always had time for Melissa.

  But now, to see her coming undone slowly before her eyes, this was something else—and it was all because of love. Real love, the type that meant something.

  “Have you made up your mind?” Melissa asked her, forgetting the implications of this decision for her own job.

  Nadine looked at her with red-rimmed eyes. “I thought I had. But I’m not sure anymore. I don’t want to lose what I have—it was hard enough putting my life on hold for a month. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be stuck in Paris, or Milan, away from him, for a year.”

  Melissa watched the heavy crease line Nadine’s forehead and understood completely. Even though she herself had never had anyone she’d felt that kind of closeness to, she could imagine a little of how that might feel. The way Nadine’s face changed when she talked about Ethan. Leaving that behind, putting those feelings behind, didn’t seem the way to a happier life.

  Forgetting her own troubles, she offered her take on it. “It is a huge decision, and a year sounds like a long time. I think if you’re already struggling to make this fit in with your life—then perhaps you already know your answer.”

  “I think I do. Anyway. It’s time to go. Michael wants a team meeting in the conference room now.”

  Chapter 33

  He knew she’d been lying the first time. It had started off as a feeling that something was wrong. But his fears had only been confirmed when he’d gone to the toilet and his nostrils smarted at the subtly disguised stench of vomit. Yet she’d walked out and made a joke about something, as though there wasn’t anything wrong at all.

  And then he remembered, it wasn’t the first time he’d smelled that stench.

  Once for their anniversary, he’d surprised her with a stay at a hotel complete with dinner. But he remembered now how she’d picked at her food. She was never a great eater, so it hadn’t been anything out of the ordinary then—only now, with the passing of time and the analysis of things that it brought, was he able to piece it all together and see what he’d been so blind to before. After the meal they’d gone back to the room and messed around and watched a film on TV. But he’d woken up to hear her vomiting in the bathroom. She told him after that she thought she’d eaten something that didn’t agree with her.

  It wasn’t until much later that he understood what she did. She consumed food and then threw it up…the feeling of food in her stomach created an ongoing battle with her mind.

  It was only now, knowing what he knew about her, about the illness, that he finally understood how much of a torture that gift of a weekend away must have been for her.

  For Bree a romantic meal and a weekend away with him was the worst possible present he could have given her. She’d had nowhere to hide.

  The more closely he observed her, the more he realized there was a pattern. A couple of times he’d called her out on it. They would arrange to meet, he’d call to remind her and she’d cancel. She’d make any excuse: that she was busy going to the gym, or a friend needed her urgently, or her mother was unwell, or she had a headache and he wouldn’t see her until a couple of days later. Then she’d be fine again. Sometimes she looked a little tired, but there was nothing overly suspicious for him to get worried about. Or think twice about.

  Looking back on it all now, he hated himself for not seeing something that stared him right in the face. He hadn’t been the only one to be duped so easily. Her parents had been as well.

  But sometimes he thought he saw a hint of accusation in their eyes. Or maybe he imagined it?

  How could you have a relationship and not know?

  Towards the end, things had cooled down between them. She’d started not getting completely undressed when they’d have sex. She was beautiful, but she’d always hated the way she looked. Worried her thighs were too chubby, her calves not svelte enough, her arms puffy. The way girls did. She was skinny, too thin, he often thought, with a tall and gangly model build. She’d hidden it so well. Until towards the end.

  Now Melissa was doing the same but in a different way. Lying to him, hiding things from him. Trying to make him think that things were not as they seemed. Hoping he wouldn’t find out.

  She’d been so different the other night when they’d kissed for hours. He’d come home with the idea that things were moving forward, all ready to make plans for the next time he saw her. They hadn’t talked about plans that night. Contentment had come from losing himself in her, in having her lips on his, her arms around his neck, her eyes so close to his that he could see his reflection in them. The closeness he had only dreamed of had become a glorious, redemptive reality.

  Having previously abandoned the idea of finding someone, he had once more started to believe he could reclaim love once more. But now, he realized, he was in a crock so full of shit and lies, it had served only to put him back even more.

  He was going to lay low as far as finding love went.

  Moving into the apartment had been a double blessing. If he hadn’t moved in, he would never have known. He’d have been duped into thinking he’d found the right girl for him.

  How long would she have strung him along?

  This morning he’d walked straight past the coffee shop, not even stopping to peer inside to see if she was there. He couldn’t deal with seeing her again. He didn’t want to see her. If there was one thing he was thankful for, it was that they hadn’t swapped numbers. At least he’d been spared the humiliation of being lied to.

  Where he would have a problem would be the next time she visited Matt. Noah didn’t want to be around to see that.

  Chapter 34

  Melissa walked in from the cold, clutching another cup of coffee in her hands. She’d been visiting the coffee shop each day since last week with no sign of Noah at all. It was clear to her that he was avoiding her.

  He wasn’t even giving her the chance to explain.

  Anxiety mauled her, and the only comfort she had was the warmth of the coffee she held in her hands. She put down her cup and turned around, slowly unbuttoning her coat.

  She felt strange being at work before Nadine. Ever since Mr. Zimmerman had announced plans for Nadine to relocate to Europe, she’d been arriving at work well after nine o’clock, it was so uncharacteristically unlike her boss.

  Unraveling the scarf from around her neck, Melissa’s thoughts were preoccupied with Noah. She needed to contact him again. It was easier to count the moments she didn’t think of him, for they hardly existed. Focusing on the bad stuff that had happened between the two of them helped her to forget the episode between her and Matt. Sometimes, unexpectedly, an image of her on Matt’s bed would flash into her head and she’d feel as though she was there
again, powerless, frozen and weak. She’d shiver, and shake, and hate herself for what she’d let him do to her.

  And when she wanted to punish herself more, she’d think back to New Year’s Eve and the party and the room in which she and Noah had spent those wonderful few hours—when she’d felt safe and as if she belonged.

  It killed her to know she might not get that ever again. That he would probably move on and find that same bliss with someone else.

  But as the days passed, and time lent more objectivity to her troubled mind, she knew she couldn’t let him go thinking the worst about her without at least getting a chance to explain her side of it.

  She had to track him down. The idea that he thought she might have two-timed him—that she’d had something with Matt and had intended to start something with him—crucified her.

  “Hey, Mel. How’s it going?” The sound of Matt’s voice jerked her out of her daydreaming. She spun around, her insides lurching. “What do you want?” The scarf lay stretched out between her hands.

  “Nothing. Just came by to see how you were.” He stood in front of her, holding a batch of CDs in one hand. She’d not seen him since that day and as grateful as she’d been not to have run into him so far, she wasn’t prepared to deal with him— especially now, the way he stood, in her space, on her floor.

  Her body tensed, but the last thing she wanted was for him to think he had dominion over her. “I couldn’t be better,” she told him, and held his gaze with a look of defiance even though deep down her insides had turned to liquid.

  “Yeah?” He cocked his head and eyed her easily and with no qualms about the way he’d behaved.

  “Are you here for Nadine?” She glanced at the CDs he held.

  “No.”

  So why don’t you just get the hell lost?

  She walked away from him and put her scarf and coat away in the closet, taking her time. Sitting back down at her desk meant she’d only end up being closer to him. “You don’t have to be scared of me, Mel.”

  Quit calling me Mel.

  She unfolded her arms and slowly walked towards him, stopping when she reached her chair. She gripped the top of the backrest, choosing to remain standing. “I’m not scared of you.”