The Sound of Laughter
Page 27
The point is, I couldn't have cared less whether I passed or not when the examiner took me out for my test that day. I was still high from winning the competition and maybe that was the reason I passed.
'I've what?'
'You've passed, Mr Kay,' he said.
I remember staring at him for a few seconds and then I tried to mount him. The other examiners gave me a round of applause. I knew them all by now and they were no doubt sick of the sight of me. I can't describe to you the feeling of joy I felt when I finally passed my test. It was such a relief, I cried. Nobody deserved to pass more than me that day.
I once sat down and calculated how much I'd spent on learning to drive. I'll not disclose the eventual figure I arrived at but, suffice to say, I could have bought myself an Audi convertible.
That night I went out to celebrate both passing my test and my best friend's birthday. We ended up in a nightclub in town and to say I was in a good mood would be putting it mildly. I was wired to the moon.
Now I've not really talked to you much about the girls in my life. There were a few and I quite literally mean a few. I always ended up falling into the 'just good friends' category, so I finally decided to give up looking for love. I was tired of waiting for the right girl to come along – in fact I was tired of waiting for 'a' girl to come along. So after winning the competition, I made a conscious decision to concentrate on my new career.
They say 'love always hits you when you least expect it' and that happened quite literally to me, as I bounced off the bonnet of her car at the traffic lights. I'm joking of course. I met her in the club that night and on our second date I decided to take her ice-skating in Blackburn and I slipped and broke my arm in two places. Luckily the whole disaster worked out for the best as the girl took pity on my incompetence and eventually she married me (I hasten to add there was a five year gap between the broken arm and the wedding day). And, if I'm right, this is where my story began in Chapter One.
I'd come to the conclusion that Leonard was right, life is like waiting for a bus. Nothing happens for ages and then three come all at once. I mean, what a week! I'd finally met the love of my life, passed my driving test and won The North West Comedian Of The Year.
I thought about what Sister Sledge had said to me all those years before, just after I cocked my leg up on the tree during The Wizard of Oz. 'Is that what you're going to be when you grow up, a comedian?' Back then what I had really wanted to say was 'Yes, Sister, it is' and now I finally could.
Footnotes
*1Everything seems big when you're sixteen.
*2 Well, it said 'annual' on the banner hanging between British Home Stores and the Cenotaph, but it turned out to be the first and only drama festival that Bolton ever had.
*3I don't know if any of you ever had a best room. We lived in a two-up two-down terraced house. The place was cramped enough without my mum putting one room aside for best. We were only ever allowed in the lounge for special occasions, like birthdays and Christmas. It was ridiculous.
*4Mr Donaldson our PE teacher would take it upon himself to stop the traffic on the busy main road as we all crossed. We'd find it highly amusing because more often than not he'd get a beep from an impatient motorist which was usually followed by some abuse like 'Move, you wanker'. Fair play to Mr Donaldson, he always stood his ground. Well, he did until the wing mirror off a passing lorry clipped the back of his head and sent him arse over tit into the gutter. The nuns rushed him to hospital with concussion and thankfully PE was cancelled for a fortnight.
*5I've just hit rock bottom on the whole nun-naming thing.
*6My nephew recently found a box of LPs in the attic and said, 'Wow, look at the size of these CDs, Grandma.' We all laughed because it'd hadn't occurred to us that he wouldn't have seen one. He'd never actually seen a record player before or ever heard of cassette tapes. And when I attempted to explain the concept of the 'eight track' to him he just left the room, laughing and shaking his head. Mind you, so did everybody else in the seventies.
*7Ironically, Bolton jumped up dramatically from having three screens to thirty six when two multiplexes opened in the space of six months.
*8Toby, I apologise if I ruined your material but that's just how I remembered it.
*9Years later I was lucky enough to discuss Paul J Russell's stand-up career with the comics he used to boast about, Ben Elton and Alexie Sayle. They both separately confirmed my suspicions, that Paul J Russell died on his arse many a night.
*10 When I eventually left Victoria Management, they threatened to chase me through a small claims court for an outstanding bill of £29.60 for tea and coffee money. It must be thirsty work being an agent.