by M. Sembera
It didn’t seem to sound any better when he said it. I couldn’t help laughing too.
“I know it doesn’t make sense, I don’t know what my problem is,” I confessed.
Hert looked at me smiling and said, “I do. You’re a little on the crazy side!”
Hitting him with a pillow, I argued, “I think it’s the pregnancy.”
Pretending to be shocked, he placed his hand on my belly as he defended, “Don’t blame your craziness on our baby!”
Hert’s, ‘our baby’ comment, melted away my anxiety over marriage for the moment. Rolling my eyes at him, I relaxed back into my pillow, allowing Hert to continue holding my belly. It was an amazing feeling having him Love not only me but my baby, also.
As Hert slowly moved his hand away, he leaned in pressing his lips to mine. Wrapping my arms around him, I pressed myself against him. To my pleasant surprise, Hert wrapped his arms around my waist and held me tighter. I didn’t want it to end but of course it did leaving me both satisfied and still wanting. I took comfort in knowing a boundary was forever broken.
Laying there, sliding my fingers in and out of his hand, I asked, “When do you go back to work?”
Hert answered, “I have one week left.”
Feeling disappointed, I pouted, “Oh.”
Smiling a little, he said, “I have to work.”
I knew he had to work but that didn’t make me feel any better.
Forcing a smile, I said, “I know. Can you take a day if you needed to? Or did you use all your time?”
Interested, Hert answered, “Yes, I can if I really had to but I want to make sure I have time when the baby comes, why?”
Explaining, I said, “Well I have a doctor’s appointment coming up and I thought you might want to come with me.”
As a wide smile spread across his face, he replied, “Yes, I do want to come with you. I can make sure I’m off for it.”
Sitting up, I leaned over and softly kissed him, enjoying the latest development in our relationship.
“We better get up,” I urged with a smile.
Hert hugged me gently and nodded.
Back downstairs, Hert seemed anxious.
Trying to figure out what was wrong, I asked, “Is everything okay?”
He smiled and nodded.
“Hert,” I pressed, unable to stop myself.
Something was wrong. Maybe he was having second thoughts.
Finally, he stated with a serious look, “Renni, I want you, I always have.”
Confused, I asked, “And that’s a problem?”
Shaking his head at me, he explained, “No it’s not a problem. The problem is, if you feel the same why don’t you want to get married?”
I couldn’t believe what Hert was saying.
Blurting the first thing I could think of, I said, “Well no one’s asked me yet.”
Immediately, I wished I hadn’t said it.
Hert replied, “So if you were asked, would you say yes?”
Thinking my answer through a little more this time, I said, “Well it depends on who is asking and why.”
Visibly irritated, he snapped, “What do you mean, why?”
In a somber tone, I explained, “If I did say yes, it would be because I knew for sure it was what the person asking wanted, not out of some obligation. Especially, if the person asking, swore never to get married.”
Throwing his hands in the air, Hert yelled, “Renni, we were fifteen and my parents had just divorced and yours were sleeping in separate rooms. How else was I supposed to feel? I suppose you forgot the night we were in Roberts’ room after graduation and you were freakin’ out about us all going our separate ways. I told you then! I told you the only person I would ever marry was you! I almost told you I loved you then! But HE called and you went running like always!”
Instantly the memory hit me. I was crying and saying, ‘even you’ll find someone and settle down, get married, have a family then I’ll be all alone’, his voice was sober as he said; ‘you’re the only one I would ever marry. Renni, I…’ then the phone rang.
Feeling guilty, I didn’t see in his eyes then what I now saw. He had always been there. Always wanting something more, I never saw what I already had.
I stood there shaking my head almost in tears as Hert shouted, “You’re just… why does everything have to be so complicated with you?” and left the room.
Standing there alone, I felt heavy. I couldn’t move. I had something good. It had always been mine. I was messing it up now just like I always had. How could I have had everything I ever wanted and thrown it away on HIM? I was lucky enough for Hert to have waited for me and still I was making it as difficult as I possibly could. I heard him coming down the stairs. He looked angry as he threw an envelope on the table.
“There Renni, you wanted it! There it is. I have to get out of here…” and walked out slamming the back door behind him.
Slowly, I walked over to the table and saw the letter marked To: Renni. Shaking I could barely get it open. I couldn’t stay on my feet or make it to the chair. Taking my place on the floor, I read the letter.
Renni, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said. You are the most important person in my life. I just can’t believe you would throw your life away on someone who doesn’t even love you or treat you like you deserve to be treated. I love you. It’s probably too late but I always have. I should have told you sooner and so many times I wanted too. I promise I’ll never hurt you. All I want is you. You’re all I have ever wanted. Please Renni, I don’t want to lose you. I lied. Nothing I said was true and if you give me the chance I promise to spend the rest of our lives making it up to you. Please Renni. HERT
Unable to catch my breath, I pulled my knees to my chest as I cried. I wanted to get up but I couldn’t. Full of self-pity, I sat there. Hugging the letter, desperate to apologize and make up for everything, I couldn’t because he left. What if Hert didn’t come back? What if after all the years of waiting he realized I wasn’t worth waiting for? I did eventually make my way to the couch. Curling up in a blanket, I sobbed, still clutching the letter, until I fell asleep.
It was dark when I woke up. Afraid Hert wasn’t coming back; I noticed it was already nine. Walking into the kitchen I saw Hert sitting at the table. Worried what I would see in his eyes, I didn’t want to look at him.
Breaking the silence, he said, “I didn’t want to wake you. You alright?”
Shrugging, I continued to the fridge, getting a drink. I leaned against the counter still not making eye contact.
“I’m sorry I left but I didn’t want to say anything I would regret. You can be really frustrating sometimes,” he shared in a flat voice.
Wanting to make things right again between us, I started, “I’m sor….”
Cutting me off, he fussed, “I don’t want to hear that you’re sorry. I don’t understand why you can’t just ….. I mean why you won’t….. it’s like I have to constantly prove that I want you and I don’t understand, what else can I do for you to believe that I really love you? You know me Renni. I have never told anyone I loved them before you, because I have never loved anyone else. I’m not pretending. If we love each other, then what the hell is the problem?”
Shrugging again, I muttered, “You might not always feel that way. What if you get tired of me or you start resenting me because of….”
Interrupting me again, he shouted, “What the hell is wrong with you? That’s it, I’m done! I don’t know what else to do!”
Taking a deep breath, I nodded leaving the room. Almost welcoming the inevitable, I went upstairs and into my room.
I sat down on my bed thinking it was better for it to be over now than if things had gone too far. It hurt badly. My heart felt like it was being ripped out of me. Getting back up, I decided to go tell Hert I was wrong and apologize for all the trouble I had caused. Hoping he would forgive me and that we could somehow remain friends, I walked into his room.
I started out by
saying, “Hert I don’t want to make your life harder and I know you’re done but I still want to be your friend.”
Hert turned to me asking, “What are you talking about?”
Trying to be resilient, I explained, “I still want to be your friend. I Love You. If you’re done, I understand but I don’t want to lose you.”
Shaking his head, Hert stepped closer and replied, “When I said I was done, I meant with the conversation, not with you Renni. How could you think after all this time I would just give up because of an argument? I honestly don’t know why you can’t believe me when I tell you how I feel.”
So ready to give up and believe Hert’s feelings were temporary, I had to concede. Clearly, I knew nothing about love or devotion.
I sat down on the edge of his bed and said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
Giving a slight smile, he replied, “Clearly a lot! But I love you anyway.”
Feeling absurd for my previous statements, I asked, “So if you really don’t care that I’m certifiable and you love me just the same, then what are we? I mean I still consider us friends but if it’s more than that, boyfriend/girlfriend seems really juvenile.”
Hert seemed nervous as he stated, “I agree with the more than friends but I really don’t know what I’d say we are. I do know what I’d like to be.”
Not fully catching on, I asked, “What?”
Slowly walking toward me, Hert smiled. He knelt down in front of me.
Pulling a little box from his pocket he declared, “Rennillia Marie Cantinelli, I love you and I want to be your husband.”
I sat there utterly speechless.
Opening the box, he proposed, “Will you be my wife?”
Instantly, I was on my knees too.
Throwing my arms around Hert, kissing his lips and face, I repeated the word, “Yes!” over and over again.
Not even noticing the ring as he slid it onto my finger my eyes were fixed on his.
Lifting me off the floor, Hert set me on his bed. He sat down next to me, smiling wider than I had ever seen him smile.
Placing his hands on the sides of my face he whispered, “I love you,” before he kissed me with more desire than I have ever felt in my life.
My mind shut off and all my instincts took over, until I heard Hert softly intervene, “Renni.”
Catching my breath, I asked, “What?”
Running his fingers through my hair, Hert pulled me to his chest, quietly assuring, “I want you.”
All of the sudden, I came to my senses.
Embarrassed, I had started something I was unwilling to finish, I suggested, “I think we should wait,” then hearing Hert sigh, I cringed a little saying, “Sorry.”
He tilted his head kissing mine and shared, “Its okay. I kinda wish you would have figured that out before you attacked me but it’s okay.”
I still wanted Hert desperately. He would never believe it was just as hard for me to stop. Starting to imagine our wedding night, I knew stopping was the right decision.
I couldn’t help asking, “Are you upset with me?”
With a slight smile he answered, “No Renni, its well…”
Not needing to hear anymore, I said, “Yea.”
Propping himself up on his elbow, Hert asked, “Do you like your ring?”
Remembering I was so caught up in our moment I didn’t even look at it, I held up my hand and started to cry. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. The band was very wide and formed up in the center under an extremely large square cushion diamond.
Shaking my head at the ring, I told Hert, “It’s too much.”
Confused, he questioned, “You don’t like it?”
Wiping my cheeks, I insisted, “No! I love it! It’s the most beautiful ring ever!”
Satisfied, he smiled, “Then it’s not too much, it’s just right.”
Smiling back at him, I replied, “It’s perfect.”
It wasn’t long before Hert rushed me off to bed. Excited by an I love you and kiss good night, I practically floated to my room. Climbing into bed I covered up and stared at my ring for a while amazed that something so beautiful was on my hand. Placing my hand on my belly I wished my little one goodnight and fell asleep.
Chapter 11
Over the next few days Hert and I enjoyed our time together, before he had to go back to work. Wishing Emerson would return, so I would have something to do all day until Hert got home, I settled for Jackson stopping by on his lunch break. He was fun to be around, but it wasn’t the same as having Em home.
The first day Hert was back to work, Jackson came for lunch. Walking in the back door, he announced, “Hey, little mama!”
Smiling back at him, I cheered, “Hey.”
Setting a bag down on the table, he offered, “I brought burgers from your favorite place. Do you want one?”
It did sound good, so I replied, “Yes, thank you!”
I reached out to get my burger and Jacks shouted, “Damn girl!”
Startled, I dropped it and shouted back, “What!?!”
Laughing, he said, “So Hert finally gave you that ring! Huh?”
Rolling my eyes, I smiled, saying “Oh, yea.”
Still smiling, he questioned, “So is it an engagement ring or a go along with the plan ring? I can’t believe he still had it. Huh! So which is it?”
Excited to share the news, I replied, “Engagement,” smiling as I nodded.
“Well Roberts will be happy,” he griped rather spitefully.
Frowning, I asked, “You’re not happy? For me?”
Smiling again, he explained, “Of course I am Ren. It’s just too bad you didn’t wait a while, we could have had a lot of fun.”
Shaking my head at him, I blurted, “Ewe Jacks! You’re so weird.”
Pleased that he was happy for me, I was glad he came over.
"So does being engaged mean you wouldn't want to come to dinner at my parent's house?" Jackson questioned.
Holding back a smile, I asked, "Are you asking me to dinner?"
"It's an open invitation. You are always welcome at my parent's house. They miss you," he shared.
Nodding, I thought about how much I enjoyed spending time with the Thomas'. Feeling guilty for letting that relationship slip away, I quietly took a bite of my burger.
While we were eating, something Jackson said made me ask, “Hey what did you mean you can’t believe he still had it?”
Looking up from his lunch, he said, “What?”
I repeated, “What did you mean when you said you couldn’t believe he still had it? The ring?”
Laughing again, he asked, “You don’t know?”
As I shook my head, he explained, “Okay, you remember that trip we went on right after graduation? The one we were all supposed to go on, then HE called graduation night and cry babied HIS way into you not going?”
Nodding, I fussed, “Is there a ring in this story or you just taking the opportunity to talk mess?”
Giving me an unhappy look, he continued, “Anyway, the week before graduation, Hert when out and bought that ring. He used all his saving’s too. He was going to ask you to marry him on our trip but you didn’t go.”
Instantaneously my ring meant much more to me than when it was given. Sitting there thinking, I understood why Hert reacted the way he did four years ago.
In disbelief, Jackson asked, “You really didn’t know that?”
Quietly, I answered, “No, I didn’t.”
With a big smile Jacks said, “Well now ya do! I have to get back to work. I’ll be back tomorrow, then I’m off but I’ll still come for lunch.”
Not really paying attention, I smiled saying, “Okay. Bye.”
Walking into the living room I curled up on the couch, hoping to catch a nap before Hert made it home from work. Reflecting on all the near misses that occurred between Hert and I, things made more and more sense. Regretful about what took me so long to realize, yet happy I finally had, I st
ared at my ring.
I woke just in time to run upstairs, brush my teeth, and put something cuter on for when Hert got home. At the top of the stairs I saw him coming up.
Standing there smiling, I asked, “How was your day?”
Wrapping his arms around me, he answered, “Long! I missed you.”
Smiling back, I replied, “I missed you too.”
Mentally debating on whether or not to share my newfound information, I followed him to his room.
“How was your day?” he asked from the closet, changing his clothes.
Still deliberating, I answered, “Boring, but Jacks was here for lunch.”
Without much feeling, he said, “Oh yea, how was that?”
I chimed back, “Interesting.”
With a quick glare he asked, “Interesting how?”
“Well, he brought burgers over for lunch and then he saw my ring,” before tilting my head to the side and smirking as I informed, “Apparently he had seen it before.”
Shaking his head and slightly smiling, Hert stretched out on the bed next to me.
“Jackson has a big mouth,” he laughed.
Leaning over him, I lightly kissed his lips.
“He thought I already knew, besides, I think it’s very romantic,” I responded, kissing him again.
Kissing Hert was so different than I had imagined it. Each kiss made me ache, yet fulfilled me at the same time.
Our passionate embrace was interrupted when Hert asked, “So we really haven’t talked about it yet, when do want to get married?”
A little surprised that I hadn’t even thought about it, I answered, “I don’t know, but I think before the baby’s here would be good. When did you want to?”
Scanning my face, he assured, “I’ll marry you right now, if that’s what you want.”
Grinning, I replied, “I’m pretty sure we have to get a marriage license first, and besides, both Em and Jackson's parents would be devastated if they missed it.”
Pulling me down next to him, Hert said, “We really do need to pick a date Renni. I have to let work know so I can take off.”
Disappointed, I said, “Oh, that’s right you already took vacation. Then what happens when we have the baby if you take off for us to get married?”