by M. Sembera
Watching him get up and walk towards the door, I complained, “Where are you going?”
Appearing to be happy at my question, he replied, “I was just going to pull the door closed a little. I left Sophia’s open,” and sat down on the bed next to me.
Hert placed his hand over mine.
Using a cautious tone, he inquired, “Are you going to stay in here again tonight?”
Halfway shrugging and nodding slightly, I moved my hand from under his and placed it on his arm. Hert leaned in.
He stopped halfway to question, “And tomorrow night?”
I nodded again.
He required more of me asking, “So what’s going on here? Are you staying in here because of your leg or because you’re my wife?”
Feeling the need to defend myself, I barked, “I never stopped being your wife!”
Scowling at me, Hert moved back saying, “Last night was irresponsible on both our parts if things are just going to go back to the way they were. If this is a temporary thing, I want to know beforehand.”
How dare he try to make me guarantee what was going to happen.
Spitefully, I replied, “Good for you. I don’t know how I’m going to feel tomorrow or the next day. You’re right it was irresponsible of me to forget for a minute what happened and just want to be with you. Don’t worry I will make sure I am very responsible from now on.”
Immediately, Hert snapped back at me, “That’s not what I meant! Do you know how hard it is to see you every day, to look at you and not be able to touch you?”
As cold as I could I stated, “No. What’s that like?”
He looked furious as he shouted, “That’s good. When your leg is better you can take your ass back to Sophia’s room.”
Before I could shout back he was out the door, slamming it hard behind himself.
Regretful for what I said, I wanted to apologize. I knew what he meant and I knew he was just as curious as I was how long my frame of mind would last.
It startled me when Hert walked back in, snapping, “Do you need to get up for anything?”
Taking a second to answer, I said, “I’d really like to brush my teeth.”
With a serious expression he stated, “I’ll help you to the bathroom, don’t stand on your leg.”
As he walked toward me I looked at him with apologetic eyes. Scooting to the edge of the bed, I put both my feet down without thinking. It hurt.
He caught me before I fell forward fussing, “Damn Renni, I just told you…”
Quickly shutting him up, I snapped, “Okay, Hert!”
Picking me up, he carried me to the bathroom, setting me on the counter around the sink and cautioning, “I’ll be right back. Stay there.”
After brushing my teeth, I grabbed a brush and attempted to fix my hair. Waiting for him to return, I thought about him carrying me back to the bed. I was infatuated by Hert all over again. Jackson was right, all I needed was some time. Hert walked back in with new gauze.
“Put your leg across the counter so I can rewrap it,” he ordered.
Obeying without a word, I waited for him to finish before saying, “Thank you.”
Barely glancing at me, he asked, “Is there anything else?”
Not answering at first, I waited for him to look at me before answering, “Yes.”
Gripping the front of his shirt, I slowly tugged it toward me. As he took a step closer, I leaned my head against his chest, sliding my hands around him. He stood still at first but as I tightened my hold around him, he placed his hands on the sides of my face. Tilting my head back, Hert leaned in gently kissing me.
Moving my arms from around his waist, I placed my hands on his face declaring, “I love you Hert.”
He kissed me again filling my heart with emotion and my body with desire.
Picking me up, he carried me to the bed and set me down.
Sitting next to me Hert confessed, “I should have told you about your parents when I found out. I didn't know how to tell you something like that and keep you safe. I knew it would break your heart. I just couldn’t.”
I reached up, placing my hand against his cheek, saying, “Don’t keep things from me, Hert. I don’t care how hard it is or how bad it is. It’s better than finding out later.”
Hert didn’t agree or disagree he just kissed me until we heard Sophia wake up.
Chapter 9
Wanting to make the most of Hert’s last day before he returned to work, I insisted on going downstairs. Later on that day, Jackson brought me some crutches so I could easily move around the house. He informed me he would be my babysitter for the next day while Hert was at work. I would have complained about his comment but I was grateful to have the help with Sophia since I was taking pain killers for my leg.
Jackson didn’t stay for long.
After he left I asked Hert, “Why can’t you work from home for one more week?”
Seeming irritated by my question, he answered, “I’ve had six weeks off and I have things I need to take care of at The Office.”
Disheartened by his mood, I pushed, “What do you have to do there that you can’t do from here?”
Sounding put out, he informed, “Work stuff.”
Deciding not to question him more or try and persuade him to stay home, I opted to avoid an argument saying, “Okay, if you can’t, you can’t.”
I sat at the kitchen table with my leg propped up on the chair next to me.
While making lunch, Hert stated, “I talked to Roberts this morning he asked how you are.”
Pretending like I actually cared, I said, “Oh yea.”
Sensing my lack of enthusiasm, Hert just responded, “Yea.”
I understood that Jacks couldn’t share work stuff about Hert with me but Emerson had no excuse. Not only was his father head of the company, he was about to take over the whole thing. Emerson had no excuse.
Changing the subject, I asked, “Do you think Sophia will be okay here with Jacks’ mom while I’m at the doctor?”
Giving a slight nod and a smile Hert continued making our lunch. I wasn’t okay with just anyone watching Sophia but Jackson’s mom wasn’t just anyone. Hert knew that too. She worked for years at a daycare and was an exceptional mother. Susan Thomas was the kind of mom every kid dreamed of having and every mom should aspire to be.
Lunch was finished and Sophia was asleep.
Thinking now would be a great time to catch up on missed opportunities, I suggested, “Let’s go sit on the couch.”
Taking long strides with my crutches, I didn’t want to waste any time. When I sat down I realized that I may have been on my feet too long, I could feel my leg swelling.
Waiting for Hert to sit down so I could rest my leg across his lap, I asked, “Are you going to come sit with me?”
Without answering, he sat down lifting my leg and placing it across his lap. I knew the expression he had on his face. It was a ‘Renni, we need to talk’ look.
Pretending I didn’t notice Hert’s expression, I scooted as close as I could and wrapped my arms around his neck. Pulling him towards me, I lightly kissed his cheek. He didn’t respond so I let go and leaned back against the arm of the couch.
Discouraged I asked, “Don’t you still want me?”
Hert’s eyes stayed fixed on my leg as he nodded.
Narrowing my eyes, I complained, “What’s the problem then?”
With a distant gaze, he explained, “I think you should know Jackson isn’t as good a guy as you think.”
Rolling my eyes, I hollered, “Really? We’re back to that?”
If my leg hadn’t been on him I know he would have jumped up as he shouted, “No! We never left it! You just always have an excuse for him! I don’t see how you can think he’s so great when the only reason he does anything for you is because he wants something from you!”
Flinging my leg off of him, I grabbed my crutches and shouted back, “What? Are you worried about Jacks being here tomorrow? You’re the o
ne who asked him to come over!”
Hert reached out to grab my hand, saying, “It’s just whatever he says to you…it’s to benefit him.”
Yanking my hand away, I proclaimed, “Don’t worry Hert! Jackson’s not going to tell me anything!”
A thought occurred to me as I was trying to figure out why Hert was being so stupid.
Angry with him, I questioned, “Wait…Do you honestly think I would do anything with Jackson?”
Not looking me directly in the eye, Hert admitted, “Under normal circumstances, no, but if he…”
Horrified, I cut him off shouting, “If he what? Huh Hert? What’s he going to tell me?”
Staring at Hert, waiting for an answer I wasn’t going to get, the realization that we were back to square one made me sick.
Tears started to fall as I conceded, “It doesn’t matter.”
Making my way to the stairs I laid one of the crutches down so I could hold onto the banister. I made it up the stairs and into Hert and I’s room collapsing on the bed, I cried myself to sleep.
Nudged awake, I refused to open my eyes.
Hert’s voice was stale as he said, “Renni,” continuing to nudge me.
Wanting him to just leave me alone I replied, “I’m tired.”
With an unwavering tone Hert pushed, “Tired of what?” wrapping his arms around me.
His touch was comforting but didn’t alleviate the heaviness in my heart.
I tucked my head into his chest admitting, “Everything, I’m just so tired of everything. This isn’t anything like I thought it would be.”
Holding me closer, Hert asked, “What isn’t like you thought it would be?”
Starting to cry again, I answered, “This, our life together.”
Kissing the top of my head, he whispered, “I’m sorry Renni. I can’t change the things that have happened. I can’t even do anything about what’s happening now. I told you before we got married I didn’t know how good I’d be at this, but I will always try my best.”
Remembering the context of our conversation when we discussed getting married, I assumed he was taking about being a parent. I had no idea he meant our relationship. I felt guilty for being hurt. What did I really have to complain about? I have a husband that loves me, he’s a great father and would do anything for us. Still, I couldn’t help missing the life I didn’t have. Never fully knowing what was going on, stuck in this giant house all the time, I wondered how much more I could take before the situation swallowed me whole.
While Hert got up to check Sophia, I took the opportunity to brush my teeth and take another pain pill.
When he was back in the room, I complained, “I feel like I hardly saw her today.”
Helping me back to the bed, Hert comforted, “You’re fixing to have her all day every day.”
I agreed, “I know,” climbing back under the comforter.
The second he laid back down, I had my arms around him.
Snuggling close to him, I said, “I know you’re trying Hert.”
His arms were around me as he thoughtfully stated, “I wish things were different too, Renni.”
Our life together was being consumed by our past mistakes. It could have been the pain pill kicking in but it occurred to me that if Hert could look past all my mistakes, I should pay him the same courtesy. Being extra careful with my leg I inched as close to him as I could, pressing my forehead to his. Hert’s hands gently slid from my waist all the way up until my shirt was off. He brushed his fingers across me. A soft kiss trailed every touch. Placing my hands on Hert’s shoulders, I gathered his shirt in my fingers until he leaned away long enough for it to slide off. I stroked down the length of Hert’s arms repositioning myself under him. Once his lips touched mine, I was unwavering. I wrapped my legs around him ensuring there was no turning back. When it was time to give myself over to him, being able to press myself completely against him fulfilled me in ways I hadn’t thought possible.
Euphoria set in as Hert lay next to me placing gentle kisses on my lips. I ran my finger across his chest and down his shoulders almost unable to believe how easily we succeeded. It was a slow intensity that ended in perfection.
Chapter 10
If Sophia woke in the night I was oblivious. My sleep was peaceful and satisfying. Moving closer to Hert, I decided there had to be a way to keep him home today.
Nudging him slightly, I whispered, “Please stay home with me.”
Starting to reject my request, Hert shook his head saying, “Renni, I can’t.”
Realizing he didn’t flat out say no, I felt the subject could be negotiated.
Trying again, I swore, “But I need you.”
I knew it was working when his only reply was a soft, “Renni.”
Knowing persistence was the key, I gently kissed his neck pleading, “Just one more day.”
Astonished when Hert got up and said, “Let me check Sophia and make a call. I’ll be right back.”
It worked! Pleased with myself I grabbed my crutch from beside the bed and headed for the bathroom. After showering, I came out of the bathroom to find Hert sitting on the edge of the bed.
Worried I didn’t get my way after all, I asked, “You don’t have to go to work, do you?”
Hert’s eyes were serious when he answered, “No, I’m not going in but I have to go back tomorrow. There are things that really need to be taken care of.”
Making my way over to him, I promised, “I won’t ask tomorrow,” flashing a little smile.
I sat down next to him and asked, “Is Sophia awake?”
Nodding, he replied, “Yea, I’m going to shower.”
Wishing Hert was in a better mood I got up and went to Sophia’s room. Playing with her never failed to fill my heart with joy. Opening her closet, I decided to put her swing together. When I finished I placed her in it, watching her smile as she rocked back and forth. I sat on the floor watching Sophia in her swing until Hert walked in.
A wide smile spread across his face the second he saw her in the swing.
Looking up at him, I said, “You wanna stay in here and watch her swing?”
Sitting on the floor next to me, he replied, “Sure.”
It was funny watching her fall asleep in her swing. When it would swing back her eyes would close, when it swung forward her eyes would pop back open until finally she was all the way asleep.
I started to get up until Hert said, “I’ll get her,” I intently watched as he carefully laid her down then turned to me and whispered, “She likes the swing.”
Smiling, I nodded at him.
Taking my hand Hert helped me up, quietly asking, “Want some breakfast?” Shaking my head I limped to our room.
Hert followed close behind fussing, “You shouldn’t be walking with your shin all messed up.”
Reassuring I was fine, I stated, “It doesn’t hurt that bad today. Really, it’s just sore from not walking on it.”
Continuing to protest, he said, “You’re so damn stubborn. Sit down so I can at least check it.”
Rolling my eyes I obeyed hoping it really was okay. He unwrapped the gauze lightly touching the huge purple bruise around my stitches.
Smiling wide, I announced, “See told ya! It’s much better!”
After rewrapping my shin Hert conceded, “Okay Mrs. Smarty Pants, you were right.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck and chirped, “I’m always right!”
Pulling me towards him, Hert replied, “Oh, okay, sure you are.”
Leaning my forehead in to his cheek, I teased, “You’re such a funny guy.”
Hert laughed as he kissed my forehead and I laughed too.
Now that we were both in a better mood, I suggested, “Tomorrow after my doctor’s appointment, I think I’m going to get Jackson to take me to see your mother.”
Hert looked displeased as he questioned, “Why?”
Taken aback, I retorted, “Because I miss her, and would like to see her.”
&nbs
p; Still skeptical, he proposed, “We can go Friday when I’m off.”
Determined, I stated, “Or, since I already have someone to watch Sophia, I can go tomorrow.”
A month before Sophia was born, I called the institution and asked how young visitors could be. Only to find Sophia would be ten years old before she would be able to meet her only grandmother. I knew Hert faithfully visited his mother once a week but I wanted to see her and show her pictures of Sophia. Sure I would get a happy reaction when I did, there was no way I was going to let Hert change my mind.
Hert didn’t seem convinced as he informed, “I don’t want Jackson to take you there.”
Shaking my head at him I smiled, promising, “He’s not coming in to visit your mother with me,” before taking his hand and assuring, “It will be fine, promise,” smiling wide to make my promise more effective.
After Hert reminded me how well my last promise concerning going out with Jackson went, he conceded and urged me to be extra careful. With our discussion settled, we spent the rest of the day playing with Sophia and enjoying being a family.
Chapter 11
Feeling extraordinary in the morning, after another successful night with Hert, I made breakfast and kissed him goodbye as he left for work. Jackson and his mom, Susan, arrived early to keep an eye on Sophia while I got ready for my doctor’s appointment. I picked a loose pair of jeans and t-shirt to wear. Downstairs, I thanked Jackson’s mom for coming over to watch Sophia before we left.
I kept glancing at Jackson as we made our way to the car. He looked as though he had something to say but wasn’t sure if he should.
On the way to the doctor’s office, Jackson asked, “So you and Hert made up?”
Trying to conceal the giant smile from the thought of Hert and I ‘making up’, I answered, “Yea, we’re good now.”
Pushing the issue, he questioned, “He finally told you everything?”
Keeping in mind Hert’s advice, I responded saying, “I’m not sure. He told me pretty much what I wanted to know but I really just decided neither of us can change anything that’s happened, so I just have to let it go.”
Looking peculiar, Jacks said, “Oh-kay.”
Uninterested in anything else he had to say on the subject, I stated, “Yes it is.”