by M. Sembera
In the car, Hert placed Sophia in her seat, telling her goodbye. Once she was strapped in he walked to the driver side. Wrapping his arms around me he kissed my forehead.
“I want you to call me if you need anything okay,” he urged.
Nodding, I informed, “We’ll be fine Hert. Besides, Jackson is coming by to take Sophia to his mom’s this afternoon so I can go see your mother.”
Scowling at me, Hert questioned, “I don’t see why you don’t wait until next week.”
“Now come on. I can’t go tomorrow and I want to visit her,” I said, trying not to be irritated.
Remaining unhappy, Hert tried, “Did you forget what happened the last time you went on the wrong day.”
Unable to hide my frustration, I blurted, “I know Hert! That was because…” catching myself, I took a breath saying, “It’s different now, she’s doing really good. You would know that if you went to see her.”
Raising his voice slightly, he implied, “You’re only going because you’re trying to substitute her for your mother.”
Hurt and insulted, I got in the car and drove away without saying goodbye.
On the way to Amila’s, I mulled over Hert’s ignorant statement. I did wish my mother was here to see Sophia. I also loved Ms. Herterand. He could be such a jerk some times. If only he could see how lucky he was; crazy or not, she was alive. Maybe he was concerned that he would get closer to her only for her relapse. Then he would lose her a second time. My irritation turned to sympathy. Hert would never know how I felt losing my parents but I didn’t know how he felt either. I didn’t have to sit there while my mother slowly lost her mind. I pulled into Amila’s driveway thinking when I made it home this evening, I would apologize.
Amila met me outside helping me with Sophia’s bag and playpen. Inside, I set up the playpen, placing Sophia and her toys inside. Looking around, I noticed pictures lying face down across the kitchen table. There were piles of clothes on the couch and two large suitcases by the fireplace.
“Wow! You’ve been busy!” I exclaimed.
Smiling at me, Amila shared, “I know you came to help but I thought if I got everything done…Maybe we could just visit instead.”
Feeling terrible, I replied, “Of course. Amila, we can do whatever you want.”
“Do you want something to drink?” she offered.
Slightly nodding, I confirmed, “Coffee would be great.”
She headed into the kitchen, saying, “Sorry there’s no place to really sit. I know there’s stuff everywhere.”
“That’s okay. Oh, I hope it’s alright, Jackson is supposed to stop by and pick Sophia up and take her to his mom’s.”
Amila had an odd expression on her face as she brought me my coffee.
Considering I had overstepped my bounds inviting Jackson to her house without asking her first, I started apologizing.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t ask you first,” I said, adding, “I’ll call him and tell him never mind.”
Shaking her head at me, she replied, “No, it’s fine. I just…Well…I don’t know how to say it.”
“What?” I asked.
Appearing insecure, she answered, “I don’t want to be rude but what’s with you and Jackson?” I gave her a confused look as she continued, “Please don’t be mad I just…”
Taking a breath, I stated, “Oh, I understand. Well, we’re friends.”
“I’m so sorry Ren. I wasn’t trying to imply…” she explained as I stopped her assuring, “It’s okay. I know it seems odd. Jackson and I have been friends for a long time. It’s a little complicated but we’ve been through a lot together.”
More confident now, she questioned, “Your husband doesn’t care?”
“I wouldn’t say he doesn’t care. It’s hard to explain I guess,” I shared.
The unsure expression returned to her face as she questioned, “And Emerson?”
For a moment I was angry with her. Wanting to shout ‘I didn’t sleep with him like you did,’ I carefully thought about my answer.
Staring at Amila, I wondered if maybe she had feelings for Emerson. What if she wanted him? With Telli gone she would be free to be with him. Guilt set in when I realized how I was being.
“That’s kind of a long story. We used to be really good friends,” I shared.
She asked, “What happened?”
Being as diplomatic as possible, I replied, “He didn’t want to be friends anymore.”
I was surprised when Amila shared, “You’re the first friend I’ve had since high school.” Moving a pile of clothes to the side, she sat on the couch as she continued, “Romero always wanted me home. His mother was like that. Old fashioned. We started dating when I was fourteen and got married right after graduation. I made sure dinner was on the table every night when he got home. Every night after dinner, he went out with his cousins. I have been thinking a lot about this and I’ve never really done anything, unless you count cooking and cleaning. Romero never wanted kids either. Now that he’s gone, what am I supposed to do?”
Unable to stop myself, I set my coffee down, walked over, sat down and hugged her. Feeling incredibly sad for her, I felt guilty too. All the time I complained and felt sorry for myself, I never had to be alone. I chose to refuse help but it was always there if I needed it.
Sophia started fussing. Walking over to her, I picked her up. She was teething again and it made her very cranky. I reached in the diaper bag, pulling out a teething ring. Sitting back down next to Amila with Sophia on my lap, I heard a knock at the door.
Amila shouted, “Come in.”
Jackson walked in with a smile. Not his usual cheerful grin but a pleasant almost pacifying smile. Smiling back, my eyes inspected him. It was clear Telli’s death weighed heavily on him. Amila stood up, offering Jackson a drink. As he refused, I noticed the compassionate way he looked at her. Almost in tears, I got up walking over to him.
It hurt seeing Jackson sad. Suddenly I couldn’t ask anything from him. As much as I wanted to visit Ms. Herterand, the thought of Jackson having to help me out was upsetting.
I handed Sophia over to his outstretched arms, informing, “I think I’m going to keep Sophia with me. She’s not feeling good. I’ll just have to miss this week.”
Nodding as he took Sophia, he held her saying, “She’s really warm.”
“She’s teething. It’s not high but she does have a fever,” I agreed.
Amila broke in saying, “Um, have you tried ice cream cones?” Jackson and I both looked at her like she had lost her mind as she continued saying, “My mother used to tell me when I was little, I had a horrible time with teething and that was the only thing that worked. She can hold it and its rough on her gums but it dissolves quickly. I have some; do you want to try?”
Amazed, I exclaimed, “Sure!”
Turns out, Amila’s mother was a genius. Sophia sat in her playpen making cheerful noises while chewing on the cone.
“Your mother is one smart lady!” I declared.
With a slight smile, she nodded walking back to the kitchen.
The moment she stepped away, Jackson whispered, “I need to talk to you.”
Concerned by his expression, I questioned, “What’s wrong?”
“As soon as Hert leaves for his trip, we need to talk,” he quietly stated.
I whispered back, “About what?” just before Amila returned.
Interrupted before I could press for more information, I smiled at Amila.
“I’d better get home,” I shared, offering, “Is there anything you need?”
Smiling back, Amila shook her head.
Jackson suggested, “I’ll help you get Sophia in the car.” I nodded, watching him lift Sophia out of her playpen.
“Do you need help with those boxes?” he asked, turning toward Amila.
Wide eyed, she nodded at him.
Amila helped me fold up the playpen. Jackson handed Sophia to me and carried the playpen and diaper bag out to my car. Aft
er telling Amila goodbye, I headed outside. Glancing back to make sure Amila had closed the front door, I swiftly walked to my car. Placing Sophia in her car seat, I hoped to get Jackson to divulge some information.
“What’s going on Jacks?” I inquired.
Jackson assured, “I’ll talk to you about it when Hert leaves Ren.”
Expecting more, I pressed, “I thought it was better for me to stay out of it?”
Resting his arm around my shoulders, Jackson said, “It’s not about that, I found out what the files are and I think I know why Hert pulled some to keep at the house too.” He smiled a reassuring smile and continued informing, “We have the funeral tomorrow and since Hert’s leaving Monday morning, I figured we could talk about it then.”
Smiling back, I agreed, “Okay,” before saying, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Jackson turned and walked back to the house. Watching him disappear behind the front door, I got in my car. Instantly recalling the need to make amends with my husband, I drove straight home.
Pulling around to the garage, I sat there for a moment, debating on the best way to keep from making the situation from this morning worse. Hert was leaving in three days and I didn’t want to spend our time arguing. After getting Sophia out of her car seat, I carried her into the house through the back door. Hert stepped into the kitchen as we walked in, appearing surprised.
“You’re back early,” he observed, taking Sophia from my arms.
Hert kissed my cheek before sitting down at the table. He smiled at Sophia, bouncing her on his lap.
Giving a light smile, I shared, “Jackson was helping Amila with boxes or something so I came home.”
Looking up from Sophia, Hert informed, “I have to leave right after the funeral tomorrow. I’ll be back Saturday morning.”
Nodding, I could feel disappointment seep in.
Wasn’t it bad enough he was leaving for a week? Now I was losing one more night with him. Guilt filled me as I realized I wasn’t thinking about how lucky I was that Hert was just going out of town. Amila’s husband was never coming back.
Seemingly concerned Hert offered, “If you don’t want to stay here by yourself, I’m sure Jackson would…” before I interrupted him stating, “I don’t care about staying by myself.”
“Are you sure?” he asked.
Nodding, I replied, “It’s just one less night before you leave that’s all.”
Hert looked confused, saying, “I thought you were mad at me.”
I had to smile sharing, “Not enough to make me not want to spend time with you before you go.”
“How’s Amila?” he asked changing the subject.
Shrugging, I said, “She said now that Telli’s gone she really doesn’t know what to do with herself. You know, I had no idea what things were really like for her.” Hert looked perplexed as I stated, “I think she half expected something like this would happen one day.”
His expression seemed to agree with my theory.
Dwelling further on Amila’s situation, I stood up. Stepping close to Hert, I placed my arms around his shoulders. I kissed the side of Sophia’s head first then his cheek. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to compete for Hert’s attention with anything other than The Office. Letting go, I turned and walked to the refrigerator.
Hearing Sophia yawn as I pulled out food to cook for dinner, I suggested, “She probably needs a nap. She hasn’t taken one today.”
Hert volunteered, “I’ll go lay her down,” as he stood up holding Sophia to his chest and patting her back.
Lining the counter with ingredients for supper, I decided to take full advantage of Sophia’s nap time.
Turning as Hert walked back in, I leaned against the counter and smiled. Lightly smiling back he made his way to me, standing very close. Placing one hand on his arm and the other against his chest, I looked up at him.
“I’m sorry for what I said this morning. I wish you could understand…” before he could finish apologizing, I confirmed, “I don’t have to understand.”
Slowly gathering his shirt between my fingers, I slid my other hand up his arm, resting it on the back of his neck. Ignoring his initial hesitation, I tugged gently on the front of his shirt until he leaned down and kissed me. Kisses that started slow and soft progressed into an aggressive encounter. Reminded of the days when frustration overshadowed our every move, I was intent on being satisfied.
Wanting to scream, I threw my head back and blurted, “Really!” when there was a loud knock at the front door. Aggravated, I pushed away. Stomping into the living room, I slapped the lock to right and swung the front door open.
“Did ya’ll know the door was locked?” Jackson asked walking past me into the living room.
Shouting at him, I replied, “Yes! But obviously that doesn’t stop people from just dropping by unannounced!”
Heading into the kitchen, Jackson looked back griping, “Geez, what’s your problem?”
I followed right behind him, complaining, “I don’t have a problem and why are you here? I thought you were helping Amila.”
Giving Hert a slight head nod, he replied, “I was but I need to talk to Hert.”
As Hert nodded at Jackson, I snapped, “Well, I’m sure it’s real important too.”
Walking out of the kitchen, I thought to myself, ‘Of course it’s important. Everything is so much more important than what I want.’ Stomping upstairs and into Sophia’s room, I laid down on my old bed. I reminded myself when Hert returned from his business trip, we were going away for a few days. Thoughts of Hert and me alone calmed me as I imagined how wonderful it was going to be.
My little happy thought turned to disappointment when it occurred to me our plans may have changed. As Sophia woke up from her nap, I decided to be a grown up about it and ask Hert. Knowing the reason would be Telli’s death would stop me from overreacting if his answer was less than satisfactory. I completely understood that in life things happen. However, I didn’t understand why they did every time Hert and I were close to getting away from The Office or this house.
Lifting Sophia out of her crib, I carried her downstairs. Over my previous frustration, I walked into the kitchen, feeling guilty for my outburst.
“Hey girly!” Jackson cheered at Sophia as she bounced in my arms at the sight of him.
Hert offered, “Does Amila need anything for tomorrow?” as Jackson continued smiling at Sophia.
He shook his head as he caught my glance and asked, “Are you over your little fit now Ren?” I stuck my tongue out at him when he added, “Sorry I interrupted your… uh… afternoon. See ya’ll tomorrow. Have a good evening,” then winked at me before leaving.
Hert started to laugh as I felt my face turning red. I was mortified at the thought of what Jackson would have walked into had the door been unlocked.
I waited to hear the door shut before I fussed, “I can’t believe you told him.”
Laughing even harder, Hert informed, “I didn’t tell him anything. You’re the one who made such a big deal about him stopping by; he knew what was up.”
Realizing he was right, I was embarrassed all over again.
Handing Sophia to Hert, I started supper. When I was finished cooking we sat at the table. Dinner seemed like a good enough time to check if we still would be able to take our trip.
Smiling, I asked, “I was wondering, are we still going out of town?”
Hert’s eyes remained fixed on his plate as he replied, “I don’t know.”
Keeping my tone light, I assured, “I understand if we can’t. I mean, I still want to go but I know why we would have to postpone.”
Looking up at me, Hert questioned, “Really?”
Nodding, I answered, “Yes, Hert.”
Appearing surprised, he offered, “I’ve been thinking and I know it’s important that you visit my mother, so if you wanted to go in the morning we can work it out.”
“Are you serious?” I asked.
Hert replied,
“Well, the funeral isn’t until the afternoon and I don’t see why you wouldn’t be able to see her and be back in time.”
Filled with appreciation for his thoughtfulness, I got up from my chair and hugged him.
When we finished eating, Hert helped me clean up. I gave Sophia a bath and she quickly fell asleep after I placed her in her crib. I walked downstairs, wondering why Hert wasn’t in our room. He was sitting on the couch seemingly deep in thought. Sitting down on the other end, I smiled as he glanced over at me.
“What’s on your mind?” I asked.
He softly replied, “You.”
I scooted closer wrapping my arms around his neck. Hert leaned his forehead to mine, resting his hands on my waist. Sliding my arms down, I placed my hands against his chest. Slowly lifting me onto his lap, he moved closer and kissed me. Unlike this afternoon, kisses that started soft and slow remained that way.
Chapter 23
Gently nudged awake I opened my eyes. Hert smile grew closer as he kissed my forehead. I smiled back at the loving way he woke me.
Almost whispering, he suggested, “You should get up if you still want to make it to the institution before the funeral.”
Quietly nodding, I rolled out of bed and slowly made my way to the bathroom. After my shower, I stepped out of the bathroom. Hert was lying in bed with his arms folded behind his head. I got dressed and walked over to the side of the bed. Sitting down on the bed, I leaned over him.
“Do you want me to get Sophia ready before I go?” I asked.
Hert shook his head, saying, “I can get her ready.”
Pleased at his consideration for my feelings I said, “I won’t be gone long. I love you.”
“I love you too,” he replied as I kissed his cheek and stood up.
Glancing back at him as I walked out of the room, I felt as though we were both giving each other what we needed.
I arrived at the institution in record time. Since it was early there was little traffic, making the trip faster than usual. Checking in at the front desk, I was informed it would be a little bit before my visit. While waiting on Ms. Herterand in the dayroom, I noticed a familiar face pass by.