In the Mix

by Jacquelyn Ayres

  “I’d do anything for you, Birkita—I love you.” He palms the left side of my face and I lean into his touch, relishing it.

  Our moment breaks when the wheels hit the ground, making us bounce a little. Once we are taxied and cleared to get off, we head to the company car waiting for us. “Are we still going right there?” he asks.

  “Yes. I think I only brought one set of balls with me and if I don’t go now, I may lose them,” I say as serious as a heart attack.

  “I love your lady balls; let’s not lose those.” He smirks then leans forward to tell the driver where we are going. I sit back and close my eyes, talking myself out of changing my mind.

  “Did you remember the gifts for the girls?” I open my eyes in a panic.

  “Yes. They’re in the trunk. How did you even know what they would want?”

  “They were only married for six years so their girls have to be around five and younger. Girls that age mostly like the same shit.”

  “I wouldn’t have known what to get.”

  “I’d entertain that comment with something smartasstastic but I’m too nervous at the moment.”

  “I’ll be sure to say it again another time, when you’re not. I wouldn’t want you to fully miss that opportunity.” He squeezes my thigh gently.

  “Thanks. I appreciate it.” I wink.

  The thirty minutes to Bothell take forever and yet go by so quickly. I’ve never really understood what people mean when they say stupid shit like that, but today I do. We turn down their street and eventually come up to their house. The driver puts the car in park and gets out. He opens the door for us, then pops the trunk to hand me the girls’ gifts. Kyle grabs my hand, gives me an encouraging smile, and we collectively take in a deep breath before heading up the driveway. Crossing over to the walkway, I look up quickly as I hear the door open.

  She has dirty-blonde hair.

  You know what’s weird? I thought she would look like me. I don’t know why; I just did. “Can I help you?” she asks as we approach her.

  “Susan?” I ask meekly. I’m still unsure if this is, indeed, her.

  “Yes. May I help you?” she repeats, and then glances over her shoulder.

  “Hi. I’m Caroline O’Brien. I knew your husband.” I am trying desperately to keep my voice from shaking.

  She studies me for a moment and I can almost see a light bulb turn on. “Are you related to CiCi?”

  “Yes. I’m her sister. This is my fiancé, Kyle.” I quickly introduce them. I fucking hate lying.

  “What brings you here?”

  “I heard the news about Drew. Kyle and I are out here on business with his company and I thought I would stop by and pay my condolences.”

  My palms are sweating like a whore in church.

  “That’s so very kind of you. Please, come in.” She smiles and leads us in. It’s very spacious and open. There’s a lot of blues, greens, and yellows. It’s very calming. “I’ve just made a pot of coffee, would you like some?” She looks back at us.

  “We’d love some,” I reply.

  “Please, have a seat.” She waves to the table as we walk into the kitchen.

  “Your home is beautiful,” Kyle says quickly.

  “Yes, I love this kitchen,” I add. I look around and take in the white cabinetry, the black cabinet island giving a nice contrast.

  “Oh, this was my baby out of all the projects we took on for the remodel, so thank you very much.” She gives a quick look around as if to agree with herself before she pours the coffee.

  “I’ve brought the girls some things. I took a gamble at their ages.” I shake the bags a little before setting them on the table.

  “Oh, they’re four and two. That was very thoughtful of you. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled.”

  “How are they doing?”

  Fuck the lump in my throat.

  “Oh, it’s touch and go. It’s still all so new. They keep asking me when Daddy’s coming home. They think he’s just visiting Heaven. They don’t really understand yet,” her voice shakes and I can see the tears forming. “I just don’t know how else to explain it to them.” She wipes the tears away. I let mine pool. “They’ll be getting up from their naps soon, so you’ll get to meet them.” She smiles and head over to us.

  “I’d love that.” I take my mug from her.

  “I’m actually very surprised you are here. Drew told me a lot about CiCi. She was the reason why we struggled so much in the beginning.” She sips her coffee after taking a seat.

  “Yes, they had a falling out,” I simply say.

  “He would never tell me what happened; only that he made a very bad decision one day and it brought their relationship to an end.” She places her mug down. Yeah, I know—she’s fishing.

  “I don’t really know what happened, either. CiCi would never talk about it. She never spoke ill of him; she just wouldn’t tell us what happened other than that they broke up.

  “I’m sorry for your loss, as well,” she says quickly.

  “Thank you.” I offer a meek smile. “I was surprised to find out that Drew ended up on the other side of the country.”

  “Yeah, well, being in the military, you end up everywhere!” she laughs. She then goes on to tell me about how he ended up out there. How they met and fell in love. Their life together. I can see why he fell in love with her. There’s something about her; I don’t know if it’s her optimism or just the way you naturally feel comfortable around her, as if you’ve known her your entire life.

  “What keeps me focused is knowing that it’s all in the mix.” She lifts her mug for another sip.

  “In the mix?” I look at her quizzically.

  “Life,” she breathes. “Life is made up of all these events that happen. I think of them as ingredients. Everything we go through: joy, sadness, what have you; they’re all ingredients. They get thrown in the mix. That batter, with all of those ingredients, makes up who we are and who we end up being. Sorry. I love to bake so I associate things with it,” she chuckles.

  “Susan, that analogy is perfect. I’d actually love to be here when you discuss losing your virginity with your daughters. I’m imagining a whole talk about cherry pie,” I chuckle then glance at Kyle whose eyes are bugged the fuck out. Shit! I totally just said that to her, didn’t I? See! This is why I shouldn’t talk to people.

  “I’ll be sure to, at least, record it for you!” She laughs. Thank God. Just then, we hear the girls call out. “Oh, that’s my cue! I’ll be right back.” She pats my hand and heads up the stairs.

  “How are you doing?” Kyle grabs my hand.

  “Better than I expected to. Man, she’s awesome, isn’t she?” I ask in disbelief.

  “Yes, she is.”

  “I’m glad we came. This was really good for me.” I nod, agreeing with myself. We turn our attention to the sound of Susan and the girls coming in.

  “They are very excited to meet you.” Susan laughs as the girls come running in right to me screaming in a gleeful way that little girls do. They remind me of my niece, Brooklynn.

  I gasp.

  The oldest is a spitting image of Drew.

  “It’s like you’re looking right at him, isn’t it?” Susan asks.

  “Wow.” It’s all I’ve got.

  “You’re pretty,” the oldest says.

  “That’s nice, Carissa, but maybe you should start off with a hello first.” Susan sits back in her seat and watches us.

  “I’m sorry. What did you say her name is?” I’m fucking hearing things, I know it.

  “Oh, where are my manners?” She grabs her coffee. “This is Carissa.” She points to her oldest. “And this is Sophia.”

  “I love the name Carissa; it’s unusual, what made you decide to go with it?” Kyle asks the question burning in my mind.

  “That was Drew’s doing. He begged me to let him name our first daughter Carissa Catherine. He wanted to name her after the girl he didn’t protect when he should have. He wanted to be r
eminded of her everyday so that he would never forget to protect our Carissa. He didn’t want to be that parent that didn’t think stuff would happen to his kid. That was his way of keeping him straight on that. Between his reasoning, his passion, and the fact that I actually adore the name, I allowed it. I got to pick Sophia’s.” She smiles and runs her hand down Sophia’s hair.

  “Her name is beautiful, as well,” my voice shakes. And no . . . I can’t control these motherfucking tears.

  Shit.

  Shit.

  Shit.

  “Was CiCi short for Carissa Catherine?” she asks.

  “Yes.” Lord . . . please don’t let the ugly cry come.

  “I don’t know what he did,” she starts, her chin quivering, “but he was a good man. He never forgave himself for what he did but instead of wallowing in it, he gave us one hundred and fifty percent of himself.”

  “He was a good man. He just had a moment of stupidity.” I cry with her. Kyle gets up quickly, grabbing the attention of the girls with their presents. He leads them into the family room adjacent to the kitchen.

  “Good enough to forgive him, CiCi?” she asks. I stare at her. She gives me an encouraging nod.

  She knows.

  “How did you know it was me?” I barely get the question out.

  “Instinct.”

  “But Drew told you I was dead.”

  “I didn’t take it literally. Also, he didn’t change that much, he was still a lousy liar.” She laughs lightly. I join her.

  “God, he was awful at it!” I wipe my eyes.

  “Well?” She gets serious again.

  “Susan, it’s taken me fifteen years and the love of a wonderful man to say this; I forgive him. I never thought it would be possible, but I was wrong. It’s freeing as fucking hell.” Shit, it really is.

  She takes in a big gaspy-like breath, “Oh, thank you. Thank you so much,” she cries.

  “Why are you thanking me?”

  “His mistake was a huge burden on him that he took to the grave, and call me crazy, but, I feel like your forgiveness is the key to his soul really being able to soar away. Does that make any sense to you?” She tilts her head.

  “Yeah. That makes a lot of sense to me.” I nod and reach forward to hug her.

  No lie . . .

  We hug for a good fifteen minutes, crying.

  I’m not even interested in letting go.

  Free.

  ILoveDPG

  “Kyle! Jesus, Kyle! Shut-up! Oh God!” I scream. “Shut-up! You’re gonna . . . oh my God . . . yes! Shhh!”

  Two lanes.

  Know what I’m saying?

  Faaaaaaacccccckkkkkkk!

  Fucking bastard’s behind me laughing and grunting simultaneously. I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that I’m the one screaming out, yet, telling him to shut the fuck up. Whatever . . . he knows what I’m saying, that’s all that matters.

  Holy shit.

  Brzzzjrrr.

  “Jesus Christ, Ceese, Jesus Christ!” Kyle carries on.

  Bbbbrrzzzzjerrrrzzz.

  “Stop—don’t stop, Kyle!” I’ve got my pussy bell ringing and my . . . my . . . Oh God.

  Ding!

  Cake’s done!

  I pull Purp out and fall forward, letting Kyle finish in the end (Haha . . . that’s what I said.). Imma lay here like a hot mess. Kyle’s mouth is running dirty a mile a minute and I love every fucking word coming out of it. I especially love the sound of his balls slapping against my pussy. Mmm . . .

  God, I sound like a fucking whore.

  Jealous?

  I would be. This shit is hot!

  Kyle lets out a final groan (like a wolf, howling at the moon . . . I’m that good, biatches!) then collapses on top of me. We lay here, trying to compose ourselves, like usual, for a few moments.

  I look over at the monitor and see that Patrick is still sleeping soundly. Thank God. Oh, want to get a good laugh in? We named our son after our fathers, using their middle names. Our son’s name is Patrick Stewart Cooper. Patrick Stewart played captain on Star Trek: The Next Generation. Guess when Kyle realized this and informed me. Five months after Patrick was born! What the fuck? Oh well, he and Winnie Cooper can hit some conventions together.

  He almost didn’t happen: Patrick. I had one of my moments again, after meeting Susan. Kyle and I were walking down a long block to get to our car after a retirement party for one of the guys at his company. We somehow got on the subject of kids and I freaked.

  “Kyle, I don’t think I want kids. I’m not really good with them.”

  “What are you talking about? You’re awesome with Charlotte’s kids.”

  “Now I am! Don’t tell Charley but, I dropped them when they were babies.”

  “What? You dropped all three of them?”

  “Well, it’s not my fault! They’re slippery little fuckers when they’re first born!”

  “Are you shittin’ me?” he laughed.

  “No! I’m terrible with them. Thankfully, the kids are relatively normal.”

  “I’ll handle infancy, you can get the other ages.” He pulled me to him. “Did you ever tell Charley?”

  “Are you fucking kidding me? No!” I practically yelled.

  “Well, I know she trusts you with their lives.” He kissed me.

  “If she knew, she wouldn’t.”

  “Stop,” he said then gave me that look. You know that look.

  “I just want you to be happy and have everything you want. I’m not really sure that I’m what you need.”

  “You are all that I need. I know that with every fiber of my being. Now, if you keep talking like this I’m going to have to take things away from you.” He raised an eyebrow. I gave him a quizzical look. “No puss ‘n boots.”

  “Well, shit. I love me some puss ‘n boots. I guess I’ll shut-up, then.” I slid my arms around his neck and pulled him down to me.

  I never mentioned my insecurities again. I didn’t have to. Kyle has made sure every day (especially since then) that I have no reason to feel insecure. I’m so glad. I can’t imagine life without our son now. He’s only a year old, but I swear he’s brilliant.

  We were going to wait until Charley and Mitch got married but what with everything that happened. Oh . . . that’s right. Well, you’re going to have to wait for Ava to tell you. I know . . . I’m such a bitch. Hold on while I shrug—get over it. Anywho . . . they told us to go ahead. We got married in my parent’s back yard. It was a beautiful spring day—best day of my life!

  I’m going to tell you all something right now. When love shows up at your front door without any warning, don’t fucking run. Don’t act like you haven’t been waiting for that shit to come along. All you’re doing is hurting that person and yourself. I’ve learned so much—grown so much—since Kyle walked into my life. I thank God every day for him and for the ability to open up my heart again. It wasn’t easy. But anything worth the reward after the challenge shouldn’t be.

  Susan said something to me that has stuck like glue. All of these things in our life, whether big or small, really are the ingredients in the mix that is unique to us. Think about all of the people who have come in and out your life. Even if it was a brief stop, it’s significant. Whether they teach you to trust or not to trust, they’re teaching you something. It really does mold you. The key is to know the difference between the good stuff and the bad, how to balance it in your mix.

  I didn’t always balance it well, but I think I’m doing a pretty good job of it now. I’m happy and I’m really okay with that. That’s huge. I’m still a smartass. That’s . . . not a surprise. But, that’s me. That’s in my mix. Luckily, I have someone who loves everything that comes in my batter.

  Eww . . . What?

  Carry on . . . and for God’s sake . . . laugh.

  Life is funny, lemons and all—laugh at it.

  Love,

  CiCi

  I am blessed beyond reason. My three kids see me at my lap
top and get so frustrated that I’m not doing anything “cool” that they can participate in. It’s even more frustrating when I’m on a deadline and shoo them out of the room, constantly. Grasping the concept that Mommy works from home, I’m sure, will not be happening anytime soon. Yet, they never stay frustrated, and somehow, still think that I hang the moon and the stars for them—thank God! They are and always will be my greatest accomplishment.

  Next, I want to give a the hugest thanks to all of my readers whether you’ve been on this journey with me from book one or you just fell in love with my characters today. I’m now six books in and still completely blown away that there are people who not only love my books, but anticipate the release of the next one. It’s the most amazing feeling to work so hard at a dream that you believed in and watch it become a reality. You guys rock!

  Thank you to my family and friends for your continued support. A special thanks to my Aunt Madelyn for helping me keep my kids at bay while I write. Also, your sarcastic reply of “Does Pinocchio have a wooden dick?” anytime I ask you a question that has an obvious answer came in handy for CiCi. So, congratulations on being a smartass! I love you. Another special thanks to my Aunt Emma, who loved Under Contract so much, she tried to get the goods out of me for the rest of the books. I did not cave, people! Lol. I love you, Aunt Em, and it’s pretty cool to see you so excited about my stories.

  I can’t thank my street team (The G-Team) enough. You girls pimp me relentlessly. It’s awesome to see so many people believe in your work the way you girls do. You honestly keep me going. Deadline time is over and I’m so looking forward to hanging out with you girls in our room more . . . having completely inappropriate conversations! Lol.

  CiCi had some fantastic beta readers!! A big round of applause to Nicola, Claire, Wendy S., Abby, Anna, and Wendy C. . You all did a fantastic job!

  Thank you to Kari from Cover to Cover Design. You did a beautiful job on this cover!

  Stacey Blake from Champagne Formats, I’m writing this before you even work your magic, but I know you are going to knock it out of the park!

  A special thanks to Jess Huckins. She wasn’t able to work with me on this one for edits but still helped me out where she could. You still rock! :)