by Elks, Carrie
“Right…” From the way Harper was staring at her, it was clear she didn’t agree at all. “You tell yourself that.”
“What else is there to tell myself? That I should have told him how I felt earlier? Maybe that way he wouldn’t be in love with someone else.”
“Now wait a minute,” Harper said, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “Who said he was in love with her?”
“Isn’t that how relationships work?”
“Not at first, no. They start off with flirting. And Rachel was doing a lot of that today. Breck not so much. He responded to her, smiled at her at the right times, nodded his head when she spoke, but he didn’t initiate anything. If they’re a couple it’s her doing the driving. And it’s very early days.”
Caitie frowned. “You got all this from watching them interact?”
“I’m a people watcher. It’s what I do to have fun. And I can tell you Breck isn’t in love with her, even if they’ve got something going on.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Caitie crumpled up the empty chip packet and tossed it in the trash. “He probably likes how uncomplicated it all is. She lives in Angel Sands and so does he. He likes surfing and she likes to watch. She isn’t a Holiday Consultant and he doesn’t like Christmas. Maybe they’re made for each other.”
“So you’re giving up on him?” Harper asked.
Caitie’s eyes caught hers. “I’m not the kind of girl who chases somebody else’s man. If he wants to be with Rachel I’m good with that.”
“His eyes followed you around all day. Wherever you went, that’s where he was looking,” Harper said nonchalantly.
“What?” Caitie whipped around to look at her.
“And I noticed you doing the same. Neither of you could keep your eyes off each other.”
“That’s not true,” Caitie protested.
“It was kind of hot, if it didn’t make me want to bang your heads together.” Harper grinned. “You’re both so oblivious to what’s going on. I’d laugh if it wasn’t so sad.”
“I did not look at him constantly.”
“Oh come on,” Harper said. “You couldn’t take your eyes off him. Even when we went around the table and all said what we were thankful for. You said you’re so happy to be surrounded by friends, both old and new.”
“Well I am happy.” Well, she was until she saw Rachel spending all that time with Breck.
“Yeah, but the way he smiled at you when you said it, I swear it could have turned the turkey to ashes. That man’s got a thing for you, even if he doesn’t realize it yet.”
“Oh, shut up.” Caitie shook her head.
“I say it like I see it, and it all fits. The phone calls, the protectiveness on your date, the way he couldn’t stop smiling when you were kind to his little brother. He’s got it bad.”
“Then explain why he’s dating Rachel.”
“I didn’t say he had any sense. He’s a typical man. I don’t know many guys who would turn down somebody so determined. And if you ignore the huge gap where her brain should be, she’s very attractive.”
“Don’t be mean,” Caitie told her. But she couldn’t help but smile. “I wasn’t kidding about them being better suited. I bet she doesn’t turn into a gibbering wreck whenever she’s near the ocean.”
“Oh yeah, she’s perfect on the surface, that’s for sure. But that’s all she is. Surface. But you’re the iceberg, Caitie. The still water that runs deep.”
“That’s why you’re my best friend,” Caitie said. “Because you only see the good in me. But this whole conversation is pointless. Whatever you think’s going on in your head about Breck and me isn’t true. I’m his friend’s little sister, the girl who looked after his brother one Christmas. That wasn’t attraction you were seeing, it was kindness.”
Harper shrugged. “You think whatever you like. Now are we going to watch this movie or not?” She took a bowl from Caitie and pushed the door to the living room open. “Hey everybody, who wants snacks?”
15
“Are you joining us for lunch?” Deenie asked, peering around the door. “Jeez, honey, the air smells stale in here. You should open a window or something.”
Caitie looked up. It took a while for her eyes to adjust. For a minute, her mom looked blurry. The result of too many hours staring at her laptop screen, tweaking her presentations and proposals.
“Is it lunchtime already?”
“Lunchtime has come and gone. We’ve been waiting for a while. I’d called out for you.”
Now her door was open, the aroma of turkey soup was wafting into the room. Combined with the smell of freshly-baked bread, it was mouthwatering.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize. I must have been too far into the zone. I hope it’s not ruined because of me.”
“Don’t be silly, you can’t ruin soup. And the bread’s cooled nicely. But if we keep your father waiting any longer, he might explode.”
Caitie laughed. “He’s the most patient man I know. Remember that experiment he did at work that took years?”
“The one they had to abandon when all the dishes were contaminated? Oh yeah, I remember that. He sulked for months.”
“Yeah, well, I can empathize with the sulking.” She glanced at her laptop again. “I feel like all I’ve done for the past few weeks is work on this proposal. If I lose the contract…” She trailed off. She didn’t want to think about that. And if she was honest, she didn’t want to think about winning it either. She needed to get through to Thursday night, then she’d let her mind wander.
“You need to get out of the house. You’ve been here since Wednesday and you haven’t left once. Honestly, you’re going to drive yourself crazy. Go out, get some fresh air, and take a walk. Something. Anything to take a break. Even Harper went shopping on Black Friday, for goodness sake.” Harper had left earlier that morning, planning to visit some actor friends in L.A., before her meeting at the studio on Monday.
“My first presentation is in two days, Mom. There’s no time to take a break.”
“Are you prepared for them?” Deenie asked, the same way she used to before Caitie’s school tests.
“I’m trying. I’ve gone over every minute detail at least three times. I’ve timed my speech, checked the spelling, and I’ve even made sure to memorize everybody’s names.”
“Then you’re ready. Looking at them constantly isn’t going to do you any good. Whereas, getting out of the house and thinking about something else will help to recharge your batteries.”
Caitie sighed. She wasn’t going to win this battle. She knew her mom was right. Reading everything over and over was only driving her crazy, and making her more nervous. “Okay, I’ll go for a walk on the trail after lunch. You want to come with me?”
Deenie shook her head. “Nope. Your father and I will walk later. Why don’t you call one of your old friends, or maybe your brother?”
Caitie shrugged. “I’ll go alone. I’d prefer to have some silence. Be at one with nature or something.” She didn’t feel much like company. Hadn’t since Thanksgiving. Maybe she was still sulking about Breck.
Deenie laughed. “When have you ever been one with nature? You’re more comfortable tapping away at a laptop than spending time in the great outdoors.”
“Careful, or I’ll go back to looking at the laptop.”
“In that case, I’ll shut my mouth. And feel free to take my car.” As Deenie turned to walk out of the doorway, she stopped and looked back at her daughter. “Oh, and can you do me a favor while you’re out?”
“Sure. What is it?”
“Brecken left his sweater here on Thanksgiving. Can you drop it off on your way to the trail? I’ll give you his address. He’s over near Silver Sands.”
“Yeah sure, I’ll take it over.” Caitie tried to keep her voice nonchalant, even though she felt anything but. She wasn’t sure what perturbed her more, the thought of seeing Breck or his close proximity to the beach.
“Thanks, honey.”
An hour later, Caitie was driving down Main Street, heading to the other side of town before the beach gave way to the Silver Sands Resort. One of the newer parts of town, made up of apartments and bungalows, she could remember when the homes were first being built. Before then, that side of Angel Sands was practically abandoned. The only people who went over there were surfers – headed for the waves at Silver Sands – and school kids who liked to scare themselves stupid exploring the eerie buildings of the old resort, a location even Scooby Doo would be proud of.
The GPS on her phone led her down the curving roads of the development, past the taller apartment buildings, and toward the water. Her chest tightened as the ocean loomed in front of her. Slowing the car down to a crawl, she tried to take in a deep breath.
Of course Breck would choose to live near the ocean. Where else would he go? As a kid he’d spent most of his time on the beach, and by all accounts, he still did the same thing in his spare moments as an adult.
She turned the final corner onto his road, where a row of bungalows were lined up against the sidewalk. Each had a wooden deck curving from the front to the back, steps leading straight down to the beach. They were bigger than her grandparents’ old cottage, now Lucas and Ember’s home, but somehow they reminded her of it.
When she reached Breck’s bungalow, she stopped the car and switched off the ignition. But rather than get out, Caitie closed her eyes, trying to center herself. The sound of the waves penetrated through the Honda’s windows, and her pulse sped up in response. Though the car had stopped, her hands were gripping the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles were bleached white.
Glancing to her right, she could see his navy sweater folded neatly on the passenger seat. “Just give him the goddamn sweater and leave,” she muttered to herself. “You can be out of here in under two minutes.”
Leaning forward, she banged her head against the center of the wheel, her eyes squeezed tightly shut. God, what was she doing? She was a grown woman. She owned her own business. She was about to pitch for the biggest job of her career. And yet the sound of the waves crashing against the sand was enough to make her want to run away like a child.
Her arm shook as she released the wheel and reached for the door. She missed it on her first try, finally managing to keep herself still enough to grab it. One small tug and the door creaked open. The smell of salt and sand immediately entered the Honda, along with the amplified sound of the ocean. The assault on her senses made her stomach roll.
Closing her mouth, she held her breath as she climbed out of the car, taking Breck’s sweater from the passenger seat. After a long minute, she finally made it to his front door, and rang the bell, leaning against the door frame to steady herself. After a minute of waiting, she realized Breck wasn’t there. Was it wrong she felt disappointed?
Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. She could put his sweater down on the bench in front of his door and leave. But instead, she lifted her head and caught a glimpse of the golden sand running along the back of his bungalow. A fresh breeze hit her, carrying notes of ozone and saline in its wake. Unable to hold her breath any longer, she gasped, the smell invading her mouth, her nostrils, and her skin.
Without even thinking, she walked forward, drawn to the oceanfront in spite of herself. The sound of the waves was muted by the pulse drumming in her ears, yet still it made itself known. Her breath got shorter, her chest more labored as it tried to get the oxygen it needed. She felt her heart rate rise as it pushed the blood around faster in an attempt to mitigate the loss of oxygen.
She’d almost made it to the back steps before she’d collapsed. As her knees folded beneath her, Breck’s sweater fell onto the sandy wooden planks. Reaching out for the handrail, she managed to stop herself before she completely fell. The effort knocked the wind out of her, and made her eyes water up. Through her blurred vision she could make out the yellow of the sand, the blue of the ocean, and the hazy forms of the people at the waterfront.
Even as the panic began to overwhelm her, she knew how stupid she must look. And she hated it. Hated the way she reacted to something as innocuous as the beach.
It felt like she was back there again. That she was the girl who wanted to be like her brother. The one who sneaked out with his surfboard, ignoring the flags on the beach. Who found the ocean had no mercy for those who didn’t respect it.
She was drowning again, but this time on land. The pressure on her chest was unbearable. The only way she’d stopped herself from tumbling down the steps was from grasping onto the rail, but the dizziness taking over her body was twisting her away from the edge.
“Cait? Is that you?” The voice seemed to come from far away. “Caitie, Jesus, what’s wrong? What’s happening?”
The next moment was a rush of sensations. Breck’s arms wrapping around her, wet and hard, as though he’d run up from the water. The slamming of a door as he carried her away from the deck. The softness of upholstery as he pulled her down against him. All the while he was murmuring, touching her, his hands soft against her skin. Urging her to breathe, to calm down, to breathe again. Slowly, she felt reality coming back into focus. She tried to open her eyelids, but a fresh flood of tears escaped, pouring down her face and dropping onto her sweater.
“Caitie, try and breathe, okay?”
When she opened her mouth, her chest started to hitch, but the rapid, shallow breaths were useless. Her lungs were screaming out for the oxygen they lacked.
“Breathe slower,” he told her, his voice calm and low. “In and out. That’s it, slowly. Caitie, try and look at me.”
She blinked twice, her eyelids slowly raising up. Breck’s face was inches away from hers. His eyebrows were drawn together, the skin between them pinched into a line.
The tears started to multiply, and her breaths turned into sobs. They wracked her frame as Breck pulled her against him. He was all hard muscle and wet skin – bare from the chest up.
“I’m sorry,” she sobbed against him, full of humiliation. “I’m such an idiot.”
“You don’t need to be sorry. Just try to breathe, okay? Your heart is hammering. It can’t be good for you. Try to slow everything down.” He started stroking her hair, his touch gentle. The rhythmic motion calmed her. For a few minutes, she let him hold her, her face pressed against his chest, his hands smoothing the strands of her hair as she breathed.
“What happened?” he asked once her breathing was steady. “What made you react like that?”
She squeezed her eyes shut, feeling her cheeks flood with warmth. Nobody had ever seen her like that before. She hated that he was the first to see her weakness. Yet the look of concern on his face made her answer him honestly.
“I had a panic attack,” she told him. “I’ve had them before. They were regular when I was a kid.”
“It looked like you were dying. Scared the shit out of me,” he said. “How the heck do you cope with them?”
“I don’t get them very often anymore,” she said, taking a deep lungful of air. Though still too high, her heart rate was slowly dipping. “I almost had one when I came to Lucas’s engagement party, but I managed to calm down before it set in.”
“Do you get them at work? In New York?” he asked.
“No, they’re pretty specific to here. The ocean’s the real trigger, the biggie. That’s why I try to avoid it if I can.” She licked her dry lips. Her whole body felt like a wrung-out dishrag.
“I knew you hated the beach, but I didn’t think it was that bad.” She could hear the frown in his voice. “Sweetheart, you can’t live like this. You can’t. It’s fucking awful to watch you go through this.”
She looked up, her face still wet with tears. Breck winced as he took in her disheveled appearance, cupping her face between his hands, as if he wanted to wipe the tears from her cheeks.
“It’s okay,” she told him. “I’ll be fine once I get away from the beach. I always feel better once I leave.”
“You’re not go
ing anywhere like this.” His voice was firm. “It’s not safe for you to drive right now.”
There was something so reassuring about the way his hands held her face. She wanted to melt into them. His fingertips brushed the tears from her cheeks, his thumb running a line along her bottom lip, his eyes dark as he watched them part. Her breath caught in her throat.
This time, her speeding pulse had nothing to do with panic, and everything to do with the way he was touching and looking at her.
His stare was as intense as her emotions. Her chest hitched as his pupils dilated and eyes narrowed. Every second that passed was punctuated by the beating of her heart and the soft touch of his breath against her skin. The reality of him pushed out every other thought in her head, until Breck was the only word on her lips.
“Cait…” He traced her mouth with his thumb again, this time pressing the tip against her soft flesh. She opened her lips, submitting, inviting him in. His thumb slid inside, her lips closing over it. As the pad grazed her tongue, his breath hitched.
“You’re so damn beautiful.” He pulled his thumb from her lips and leaned forward until his mouth was a breath away from hers.
The brush of his lips against hers was so gentle she could barely feel it at first. But then he pressed harder, until the soft skin of her mouth surrendered, her lips moving in time with his.
His hand clenched and unclenched at the nape of her neck, grabbing at her hair. The other traced the line of her throat, feathering softly where her neck met her shoulders. His fingers were oh-so-soft against her sensitive skin, leaving a trail of ice along her spine. She felt the hum of his breath against her lips as he deepened their kiss, his tongue sliding against the tender flesh of her mouth.
Caitie’s pulse was drumming rapidly in her neck, echoing the rapid beating of her heart. She felt overwhelmed by him. Was it possible for somebody to make you feel so safe and on edge at the same time?
They kissed until her lips were stinging, and their lungs were burning with the need to inhale. They parted and gasped until the need had been sated. Breck pushed her back against the couch and started kissing her again. She was laying on her back, Breck half-laying across her, her arms looped around his torso. His own were sliding down her sides, lingering at her hips, where he pressed against the thin fabric of her pants.