Just A Kiss

by Elks, Carrie

  Grabbing a pair of jeans from her suitcase, she slid them on and pulled a brush through her matted hair. It got stuck, stubbornly refusing to budge no matter how hard she tugged. In the end, she slid it into a high ponytail. A glance in the mirror told her she looked as bad as she felt. Her face – shiny from no makeup – was also red and blotchy. There were dark shadows beneath her eyes. The lids themselves were puffy from lack of sleep and way too much crying. Even the best tools in her cosmetic bag wouldn’t be enough to combat that.

  She pulled her shoulders back, straightening her spine. What did it matter anyway? She didn’t care what Breck thought of her, or if he saw her at her worst. She was too tired to care about anything at all.

  When she walked down the hallway, he was sitting in the kitchen leaning against the counter, his hands wrapped around a mug. A glance inside told her whatever he was drinking was red and warm. No doubt another concoction from her mom.

  “Hi,” he said as soon as he saw her. He looked as bad as she did. The shadows beneath his eyes were darker than hers. But more than that, he looked drawn and defeated. Like a man who had nothing left to lose.

  “How are you feeling?” she asked him.

  “A little better.” Breck blinked. “I wanted to come by to say sorry.” He glanced over at Deenie, who was unashamedly staring at them. “Um, can we go for a walk or something?”

  The last thing she wanted was to be alone with him. But the alternative was even worse. The only saving grace from this whole fiasco was that she didn’t have to face her family’s concern about the end of their brief relationship.

  “You can go out on the deck,” Deenie suggested. “It’s a gorgeous day out there. Daddy’s in his study so he won’t disturb you.”

  Shrugging, Caitie stood up, leading Breck out through the glass doors to the wooden deck. The furniture was still out – no need to put it away for the winter in temperate Angel Sands. They each slid a chair out, sitting a few feet away from each other.

  But that distance still wasn’t enough. Against her will, Caitie could feel her body warm up at his proximity. It was as if he was imprinted in her DNA; every inch of her yearned for him.

  “I’m so sorry.” Breck leaned closer, and his scent lifted in the breeze. Sandalwood and Brecken Miller, an intoxicating combination. “I messed up; I hurt you and I can’t believe I left like that.”

  She lifted her eyes to meet his. “I can’t believe it either,” she whispered. “I only wanted to know that you were okay.”

  He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. “I know. And I wasn’t. But I shouldn’t have pushed you away.”

  “That hurt. A lot. I knew you were hurting about your mom, and I understood why. I wanted you to let me in.”

  “And I should have, but I wasn’t thinking straight. It felt like everything was closing in on me.” He looked down at his feet, biting his bottom lip. “I don’t find talking about this stuff easy.”

  “I get that, I really do. But I can’t have a relationship with somebody who won’t open up.” She sighed. “I tried to talk to you, I really did. And you threw it back in my face.” She licked her lips. “I told you everything about my own fears. Do you think that was easy?”

  He laced his fingers together and glanced up at her. “I want to open up. I do. I’d like to try and explain. That is, if you’ll hear me out.”

  She picked at a stray thread on her sweater, pulling at the black string until the fabric puckered. “Okay,” she said quietly. “I’ll listen.”

  She heard him take in a deep lungful of breath. He leaned back in his chair, running a hand through his messy hair. “So, I’m not really good at talking about this stuff…”

  No kidding.

  “But I’ve realized that keeping it all in, well it ends up with me losing it. You either have to break out or break down, I guess. And because I thought I could handle things, I broke down.”

  Her mouth was dry. She knew how much it took for this strong, proud man to admit to breaking. How hard it was to let himself be vulnerable.

  “I talked to my dad yesterday. I told him about everything that had happened. Well, most of it. And he made me realize something. I’m an avoider. If I can’t handle something, I do whatever I can to walk away from it. But in the long run, Cait, it means I’m going to lose everything. And I don’t want that, not any more. Not now that I know what it feels like to lose you.” His voice cracked, and the sound of it broke the dam keeping Caitie’s emotions in check. A fat tear rolled down her cheek. “And out of everything in my life, my mom included, losing you hurts the most.

  “I grew up thinking that men had to be strong. Showing no emotions. I thought that I had to be a rock. First for my mom, then for Daniel. Even for my dad sometimes. When you came back into my life, it was as if you had a pickaxe, and with every touch, every soft word, you cut away my hard edges. It scared the hell out of me. Because all this stuff I’ve kept locked up inside, it’s threatening to come out.” He rubbed his face with the heels of his hands, pulling at the skin.

  “You think it’s wrong to be vulnerable?”

  “I think… I thought… I don’t know. I guess I never really thought about it until now. Just wanted to be strong. The knight in shining armor, the one who did the saving. That’s how I’ve always been.”

  “But I never asked for that,” she reminded him quietly.

  “I know you didn’t. But it’s what I want for you. It’s what you deserve. Somebody to take care of you, to protect you, to hold you when you’re afraid.”

  “And who holds you?”

  “I guess that’s the problem; I never thought I had to be held. Not until you.” There was a pained expression on his face. As though every word hurt him to say. She didn’t underestimate the effort it was taking him to be so open with her. But still, she needed to guard her heart.

  “When I sat at the rehearsal dinner and saw everything you’d done, I was more afraid than I’ve ever been in my whole life. Because, Caitie, everything you’d done was amazingly beautiful. I could see you in every small touch. It made me realize how important Christmas is to you, how much your life revolves around it. And how little I can give you, how wrong I am for you. Even when every inch of me wants me to be right.”

  “You left me because of Christmas?” She was incredulous. “Because of a few little days?”

  “But they’re not a few days. They’re your job, your life. Lucas told me it’s your favorite time of year, and has been since you were a kid.”

  “Since I was fifteen,” she said softly.

  “What?”

  “It’s been my favorite time of the year since I was fifteen. Since the last time I saw you.”

  He stared at her, his eyes dark and intense. “You like Christmas because of me?”

  “Not just because of that. But after you and Daniel left, well, it helped me to remember you. And I know it’s weird because you guys were so sad that Christmas. But that’s what got me started. The reason I specialized my Fine Arts degree.”

  Breck swallowed. His Adam’s apple bobbed beneath the thin skin of his throat. “I hate Christmas. I have since that day… since Mom died. I can’t give you what you want. I can’t be the guy who dresses up in a Santa outfit and gives out festive cheer. It makes me feel sick to think about it.”

  “I never asked you to do that.”

  “But that’s what you deserve.”

  “Don’t I get to decide what I deserve?” she asked softly. “You made a decision about my supposed needs without even talking it through with me, and it hurt. I know you were afraid, because I know what fear is like. You were the one who gave me the courage to face mine. And I did it for you, for me; for us, Breck. No matter how awful it made me feel. I’m finally willing to accept I have a problem. Why can’t you do the same thing for me?”

  That was the crux of the matter. She’d let herself be vulnerable, cut herself open for him. But when asked to do the same, he’d run.

  “Because for a
ll my macho bluster and shining armor, it turns out you were stronger than me all along,” he said, looking down at the ground. “And it kills me to know how much I let you down. But I’m not done here, Cait, nowhere near. I’m so in love with you it hurts. Losing you is so much worse than facing my fears. In fact, it’s my worst fear come true.”

  There was a part of her that wanted to run into his arms, to cup his anguished face with her warm palms. To soothe and be soothed, to tell him it was all going to be all right.

  But the pain of the past two days stopped her. She’d been vulnerable once. Maybe too vulnerable. She wasn’t sure she could do it again.

  “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “So sorry I hurt you. So sorry I ran out. I’m sorry I ran from the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m not asking you to say anything. In fact, I’d prefer if you didn’t. I’d like you to think about what I’ve said. Think about us. Make a decision about whether you can give us another chance or not. But I need to warn you, I’m not going to give up. I’m going to fight for you with every breath I have left. When you finally find love, and realize it’s the one thing you’ve been looking for all your life, you’ll do whatever it takes to keep hold of it.”

  She had to fight to keep her lips clamped shut. The emotions inside of her were rising up, threatening to spill over, in words, in tears, in sighs. At least for a few minutes, she needed to keep it together. Until she was alone.

  “Thank you for listening,” he said. “I’m going to go now and let you catch up on your sleep. You look exhausted. And if it’s okay with you, I’ll call you tomorrow. If you don’t want to talk, don’t pick up.”

  She nodded.

  He stood, towering over her as he always did. “Thank you for listening to me.” He swallowed hard. “And Merry Christmas.”

  He left without another word, taking long strides across the deck. She followed him with her eyes as he retreated, her heart so full it could burst. She wasn’t sure, but it felt as though it already had.

  28

  “Is everything okay?” Deenie asked Caitie as she walked back into the kitchen. Her mom was making Eggnog, stirring the milk and cloves together in a pan. She added the yolks and sugar, mixing them all with a wooden spoon. “You were out there for a while after Breck left.”

  “Yeah.” Caitie sank into one of the kitchen stools. After he’d gone, she’d sat on one of the garden chairs and stared aimlessly out at the sky, her mind full of thoughts. “It’s been a long day.”

  “He didn’t seem very happy after you spoke.” Deenie glanced up from the stove. “Are you still mad at him for missing yesterday? It wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t help getting sick.” Her brow creased as she took in Caitie’s sad expression. Realization crossed her face, like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. “Oh, honey, he wasn’t sick at all, was he?”

  “He was,” Caitie said, her voice cracking. “But there’s more to it than that.”

  Deenie clicked the stovetop off, and pulled the pan away, letting it cool. She pulled out the stool next to Caitie, sliding into it. “Want to talk about it?”

  Did she? Caitie wasn’t sure. But she knew not talking about it was the route to disaster. Breck’s confession had shown her that much.

  “I’m in love with him.”

  “Of course you are,” Deenie said, matter of factly. “You always were. Even as a kid your face would shine brighter whenever he was around. After he left it was like somebody had snuffed your light out. I worried about you for the longest time.” She grabbed Caitie’s hand. “Is he in love with you, too?”

  “He told me he was.”

  “So why are you so sad?”

  “Because it isn’t enough.” She felt like she was stabbing herself with an ice pick at her confession. “He couldn’t cope with it. He walked away, Mom. He hurt me and I don’t know what to do with that.”

  “Does he regret it?” Deenie asked.

  “He says he does. That he loves me and wants to make it up to me.”

  “One of the hardest lessons we’ll ever learn in life is that the people we love are fallible. One of the most painful lessons, too. When you fall in love, you think everything’s going to click into place. That it will be like it is in the movies, and somehow you’ll spend the rest of your life walking into that mythical sunset. The first time you hit a barrier, it’s as though somebody’s rewriting all those fairy tales that introduced you to romance and love. And, Caitie, it hurts like hell. No wonder you’re knocked down.”

  Caitie’s interest was piqued. “You and Dad had problems?”

  “I don’t know a couple that hasn’t. Nobody’s perfect, honey. We all make mistakes. We all hurt the ones we love. The only difference between the couples who succeed and the ones who don’t is communication and empathy. Being honest and open. Owning up to our mistakes. Now I don’t know what Brecken said to you out there, but whatever it was I can see how much it affected you. Opening up their hearts isn’t an easy thing for men to do. I know how scared you are of being hurt, and I can’t promise you never will be, but I can tell you that unless you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you’ll never experience the beauty love can bring.”

  Her mother’s words – as heartfelt and wise as they were – knocked Caitie back. Her mind flitted to the way he’d looked on the deck, the softness of his expression, the sadness in his eyes. She’d never seen him so defenseless before.

  Breck exposed himself to her – faults and all. He showed her all he had been hiding behind. Everything he had struggled with. That’s when it hit her. She was doing the exact same thing as he’d been doing. Hiding her feelings and pain from her mom as Breck had hid his from her. A wave of shame washed over her.

  “I’m not perfect either,” she confessed.

  “I’ve known that since I tried to potty train you.” Deenie flashed her a reassuring smile. “I love you the way you are. You never have to be anything other than real to me.”

  “After the accident… the one on the beach… I, uh, I never really recovered.” Caitie found herself stuttering out the words. “I haven’t been able to stand the sight of water since I nearly drowned. I get panic attacks whenever I’m near the beach. I’ve started working on it, Mom. I’ve found a behavioral therapist.”

  Deenie squeezed her hand tighter. “Oh honey. I wish you’d told me about it. I knew there was something that upset you, something that kept you away all these years. I should have said something about it. I could have helped you.”

  Caitie shook her head. “I was the best liar. Even if you’d asked I would have denied there was anything wrong.”

  “What made you decide to do something about it?”

  “Breck did.” Those two simple words made her insides ache. The memory of his tenderness as she tried to face her fears took her breath away. She could almost feel his soft hands on her, soothing her body, making her ache for him from the inside out.

  “He’s a good man.”

  “He is.” So good he made her heart hurt.

  “You should go back to bed. You look beat. Try to get some sleep. Tomorrow’s another day. You can worry about all of this then. I have the distinct impression we’ll be having a visitor, even though he hates Christmas.”

  “He said he would call.” For the first time in days, she thought she might even answer. She wanted to hear what he had to say. “You’re right. I’ll head off now. See you in the morning, Mom.”

  “Merry Christmas, sweetheart.”

  For the first time in more than a day, Caitie thought maybe it could be.

  * * *

  “I told you I’d kill you if you broke her heart.” Daniel’s voice held a hint of amusement as he talked to Breck through the phone. “What the hell did you do, bro? I can’t believe you’re forcing me to commit fratricide. Do you think ‘my brother’s an idiot’ will stand up in court?”

  Breck rolled his eyes. “I guess Dad’s been talking to you.”

  “Yeah, he called when he landed. He’s wor
ried about you. He asked if we should fly over to give you some support.”

  “I hope you told him not to,” Breck said. “He deserves to enjoy Christmas with Maria. And I’m okay. Not great, but okay. I don’t need babysitting.”

  “You never did. You were always the one doing the babysitting,” Daniel pointed out. “But you know I’m here if you want to talk. Or if you want me to shout at you or something.”

  Breck’s voice softened. “Thanks, Daniel. I appreciate that, I really do. But I made this mess and I’m going to clean it up.”

  “So you’re not running away any more?”

  “Wasn’t planning on it. I’ve run away enough. It’s time to make up for what I’ve done. I love her, bro. I’m completely and stupidly in love with that girl. If I thought it would help, I’d hit myself for being so stupid.”

  “Ah, it can’t do any harm.”

  “You should probably shut up now.”

  Daniel laughed. “So, is she talking to you yet?”

  “Sort of,” Breck replied. “She listened when I went over to talk to her. That’s more than I expected after walking out on her.”

  “It’s a start, that’s for sure.”

  “I’m not giving up. Not until she tells me there’s not a chance in hell she’ll take me back. Until then I’ll keep trying, keep showing her how sorry I am. It’s the only thing I can do.”

  “So what’s your plan?” Daniel asked.

  “I’m going to her house tomorrow. I’m not invited, but I can’t go another day without talking to her.” The need to be by her was eating away at him. Seeing her tonight and not touching her was almost too painful to bear.

  “You’re going to the Russells’ house on Christmas day? Wow.” Daniel whistled. “That’s brave.”

  Of course Daniel would understand. It was where it had all started, the trauma, the pain, the knowledge their mom had died and was never coming back. The last time he’d even acknowledged Christmas was thirteen years ago in that house.