Only Me

by Vivian Ward

  I’m not sure why he blames me, though. Nobody told him to put his hands on me, and I sure as hell didn’t call the police on him. I’d thought about it a time or two when we’d get into our little spats, but I was always afraid of what he’d do to me if he found out that I called.

  David had a way of communicating with anger and rage, which is why we didn’t last long. The two of us only lived together for about 10 months. When he’d get pissed off, he’d push or shove me, or sometimes slap me in the face. If we were at home, he’d tear the whole place apart.

  One night we were fighting about dinner because I was hungry and he was broke. I thought the simple solution would be that I’d buy dinner, but he said that the man is supposed to pay. While that may be true, my stomach wouldn’t know the difference in who paid for the meal.

  We went to Dairy Queen and each got a chicken strip basket. While we were sitting at home eating, we started arguing again. He decided that he wasn’t going to eat anything that I paid for, so he proceeded into the kitchen to throw his food in the trash, which, no doubt, pissed me off.

  As he was making his way to the trash can, I did the only thing I could think to do because all I could see was red, and I threw a chicken strip at him. I shouldn’t have done it because that got him riled up, but looking back, it’s kind of funny.

  The chicken strip smacked him right in the back of his fat neck and made a thwack sound. He stopped dead in his tracks and raised his shoulders. Part of me wanted to laugh my ass off, but the other part thought, “Oh shit. What have I done?”

  It sent him into a fit of rage. He flipped over the coffee table, punched out all of our picture frames, and called me every name in the book. Things got so ugly that I ended up leaving. I didn’t have any place to go, but I needed to be away from him before he put his hands on me. He’d thrown me up against a door once before this, so I knew he wasn’t above touching me.

  I fled our apartment and hopped into my car, unsure as to where I was going. I started driving and after a few minutes, I decided to go hang out with two of my cousins. We’re all around the same age, but they always felt like big brothers to me, and I knew they’d keep me safe from whatever David might have up his sleeve.

  After a few hours, David hadn’t texted or called, so I decided to go home. He’d finally calmed down and had started cleaning some of the mess he’d made. Things continued to get progressively worse until the night we were out in front of The Cat’s Meow, a bar on the Southside.

  We’d both been drinking pretty heavily, and we’d gotten into it. There was a guy at the bar, who didn’t know I was with someone, and he’d offered to buy me a drink. David had a few too many shots—his liquid courage—and swore up and down that I knew this guy. It didn’t stop there, though.

  According to David, not only did I know the guy, but I must’ve been fucking him, too. I’d never seen this stranger a day in my life, but I couldn’t convince him differently. The two of us started arguing loud enough that the bartender asked us to leave.

  We barely made it out onto the sidewalk when he decided to shove me. Falling to the ground, my purse flew off my shoulder and everything came tumbling out of my bag. While I was trying to pick up my things, he used his foot to push me onto the ground again. I began yelling at him, and it was about five minutes later when the cops showed up.

  That was the last night that we were a couple. I couldn’t deal with him or his shit anymore. The cops took him to jail and I called his sister, and told her to come get his clothes.

  After that, I decided that I wasn’t getting into anymore committed relationships and found that Tinder and alcohol made quite the team. That’s when things really started to unravel for me.

  Meaningless sex and alcohol was all I needed to numb myself from the harsh reality that I’d pushed the only man away from me who meant the world to me. It was far too late to go back and try to fix things, so I let them be.

  It was easier that way.

  Tapping the call button, I hope he answers, and he does.

  “Hello?” he says.

  “Hey, David. It’s me, Toni.”

  He snorts into the phone. “Toni? I never thought I’d hear from you again. What do you want?”

  Swallowing my pride, I tell myself that I need his help and that I have to play nice. “It’s good to hear your voice, too.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” he says. “I’m kind of busy so if you’ve got something to say, then say it.”

  He’s never been a patient man, nor very kind for that matter. “Listen, I need your help.”

  “Ha!” He cuts me off. “Funny that you’d call because you need my help. What is it this time?”

  I’m remembering exactly why he was never a good idea in the first place, but I’ve already come this far and the bank isn’t going to help me anymore than they already have.

  “I bought the old laundromat over on Grand and Gravois, and they’ve got the gas shut off because of a leak. I was wondering if you could take a look at it and maybe fix it?”

  “What’s in it for me?”

  “Cash. I can pay you for your work.”

  “How much?” He pries.

  “It’ll depend on how long it takes you, so we’ll have to see. I don’t have much, but I’ll pay you what I can.”

  “That’s it?” he laughs. “You’ll pay me what you can? What else is in it for me?”

  Drawing in a long breath, I let out a sigh. “Never mind, David. I thought you’d want to help me, but I can see that I was wrong. Take care.”

  “Wait!” He shouts into the phone. “I’m only fucking with you. When do you want me there?”

  I almost don’t want to tell him a time, but I can’t afford to pay anyone else to do it. “Tomorrow? Could you be there around 3 in the afternoon?”

  “All right, I’ll see you then.”

  As we hang up the call, I feel like I can finally breathe again. I didn’t even realize I’d been holding my breath and let all of the air expel from my lungs.

  Checking the time on my phone, I see that I’m going to be late for tonight’s AA meeting if I don’t get my ass in gear, so I pull my hair into a messy ponytail and grab my purse before I hit the door.

  “Toni,” Monica says as I make my way into the room where we hold our meetings. “I was starting to think you weren’t going to make it tonight.” Her head nods toward the circle of chairs, and I see Lucas sitting by himself. I’m surprised he didn’t bring his new girlfriend again tonight, but I’m glad.

  I hated seeing her dangling from his arm as she held onto him. I’m sure she was only offering emotional support, but he was mine long before he was hers and I’ve never been able to put the flame out on our relationship. Deep down, I’ve always hoped that we’d get back together, but I was too afraid to initiate things myself. I can’t stop thinking that maybe if I would’ve tried, neither of us would be in this situation.

  “Hey, Mon! You know that I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  She passes me a coffee and I grab my sugar and creamers as we join the circle. I wanted to sit a few chairs away from Lucas, but everyone else has already staked claim to their seats.

  “Did you figure anything out today?” Mon asks as we wait for Mark to begin the meeting.

  Keeping my voice low, I begin to explain the phone call between David and me. I don’t go into all the gritty details but I give her the gist of things.

  “You know what you could do? You could ask a few members of our group if they could pitch in to help you out. I’m sure a few of the guys know a thing or two about repairs and the rest of us, well,” she looks around the circle at some of the other women, “we could help you paint.”

  “I was thinking the exact same thing,” I tell her. “You don’t think I’d be overstepping any boundaries by asking everyone?”

  “No, honey, not at all. We’re all here to help each other, even if it involves slave labor.”

  The two of us giggle until Mark speaks and gets the m
eeting underway. “How was everyone’s week?” He asks.

  I glance over at Lucas and find him staring at the floor. “Fine,” he mumbles along with the rest of the group.

  Just as I’m about to look away, his eyes cast upward and he notices me looking at him. Embarrassed, I cross my legs and slightly turn in my seat. He caught me looking at him and I can feel every shade of red that exists spread across my cheeks. It’s almost the same way I used to get embarrassed around him when we first met.

  I try my best not to look at him again, or at least not make it so noticeable but I’m failing miserably. He needs a hair cut, just a trim, and he’d look just as good as the day we met. What I wouldn’t give to run my fingers through his hair again.

  He is hands-down the best lover that I’ve ever had. Everything with him felt so good; so right. It was like our bodies would meld together, a perfect pair. We spent so many hot, passionate nights under the sheets and he got me to do things that no other man could possibly ever dream of. He turned me into the girl that every mother warns her son about, and I had no shame in it.

  I belonged to him. Completely.

  Chapter Nine

  Lucas

  She can’t even look at me when I glance at her, and it hurts. It’s been so long since the two of us have talked that I can’t stand it anymore, but at least I don’t have Alicia beside me tonight, scrutinizing everything I do.

  Earlier today, she sent me a text on her lunch break and told me that she wasn’t going to be able to come to tonight’s meeting with me. She thought I’d be upset about it, but it was a breath of fresh air because I was so relieved.

  Normally, a night off from Alicia would mean relaxation and at least a case of beer but not tonight. I couldn’t get down here fast enough. I’ve been hoping that Toni will come to tonight’s meeting and I was so happy that she did.

  Since I came to last week’s meeting, I’ve been thinking of ways that I could approach Toni, which would be impossible to do with Alicia being here. She’d make things complicated and awkward.

  What I’d say is beyond me, but I have to talk to her. Ever since I saw her, I’ve wondered how I could strike up a conversation with her without sounding stupid, and now I know my way in.

  She probably thinks that I wasn’t listening to her conversation with her friend, but I heard every word. I might not have been looking because I didn’t want to be obvious, but I was definitely eavesdropping.

  That’s one thing I can say about her: I have always paid attention to her. Always. She was the most important person in my life and I want her back. She still is the most important person in my life, I just hope she feels the same way.

  I can’t believe she called her ex, David, to help repair the gas leak. He’s got quite the reputation around the Southside. I know exactly who he is and I’m still trying to figure out why she’d date a guy like him, but I guess I can’t really say much with all of the different women I’ve been with and shared with Mason over the years.

  That guy’s such a hot head and I’ll be damned if I let him try any shit with her or take advantage of the situation. I could see him trying to weasel his way back into her life now that she has a business. He’s the type who would say that since he helped repair the place, he should have a say in how it’s run once the two of them were back together. It’d basically become his because there’s no way he’d let her run it.

  I drove by the laundromat the other day to see what condition it was in. I remember going there as a kid and that place was ran down back then, so I could only imagine what it was like now. The place was in shambles. She needs a complete remodel and some structural work that would cost her a fortune. I could do most of it myself, and help her save a lot of money.

  While the meeting continues, I listen to everyone’s story for the week as I think of a way to talk to her once the session is over when Mark’s energetic, booming voice brings me back to reality.

  “How was your week?” He pauses. “Lucas? I asked how was your week.”

  “I’m sorry,” I shake my head. “Um, it was okay. Just worked. The usual.”

  “Have you found a sponsor yet?”

  A sponsor. That’s the last thing I need, especially with Alicia nagging me all the time. “No, I haven’t found one yet.” I decline mentioning the few beers that I polished off when Alicia finally gave me enough room to breathe, but it’s not like I got drunk; two beers during my afternoon off, that was it.

  “Well, Monica,” he nods toward the woman sitting beside Toni, “is a great sponsor.” He turns his attention to her, “Mon? Would you be able to take one more under your wing?”

  A slow smile spreads across her face, “I think I could manage that.”

  Toni looks like she’s practically going to die as she tries to shy away from me when I look in her direction, which makes me wonder if maybe there is still some unfinished business between the two of us.

  The meeting only lasts another twenty minutes and while I usually scramble to catch Mark before he leaves so he can sign my papers, I go after Toni instead.

  She’s fast as lightning, too. Within a few seconds, her bag is dangling over her shoulder as her messy ponytail bounces with each step she takes to get out of there.

  “Toni, wait up,” I call after her.

  She stops dead in her tracks and her shoulders creep up before she turns around to look at me. “Yeah?” she asks.

  “Can you wait for me for just a minute? I wanted to talk to you, but I have to get this paper signed real quick.”

  “Okay,” she says slowly as she nods. “I’ll just wait over here.”

  I watch her lean against the wall near the coffee machine and wait for me as I head over to Mark to get his signature for the judge.

  “Hey, Lucas,” he greets me. “Have you been getting anything out of the meetings?”

  I’m not really sure how to answer him since I really haven’t, and I don’t want to be here. The court order is the only reason why I’m doing them and when I saw Toni, I knew I couldn’t stop no matter what.

  “I don’t know how to answer that,” I say. It’s an honest answer.

  “Let me ask you something,” he says. “Are you here because you have to be here, or do you want to change your life?”

  My life definitely needs a change, but I’m scared to let go and give everything up that I’ve known for the last six years since everything ended between Toni and me. I’d like things to go back to the way they used to be, but I’m not sure what that is anymore.

  “I’m still on the fence.” He frowns and furrows his eyebrows, waiting for me to explain. “I figure I’ll do these meetings while I have to, and then we’ll see where things go from there.”

  “I see,” he scribbles his signature on the paper. I glance near the coffee machine where Toni’s talking to a few of the other members. “Talk to Monica, maybe she can get you on the right track. The first thing you need to do is start working the steps.”

  He turns around and gets into his black brief case that’s sitting on the chair behind him. “Here, take one of these. It explains the steps and has my cell phone number on it, so if you have any questions you can give me a call.”

  I take both of the papers from him. “Thanks. I’ll look it over. Have a good night.”

  With that, I turn and walk toward Toni as she says goodbye to the person she’s been talking to. “Thanks for waiting,” I say to her.

  “No problem. What’s up?”

  “First, I’d like to say hi. It’s been so long since we’ve talked, but I happened to overhear that you need help with the laundromat when you were talking to your friend.”

  Her cheeks flush and she casts her eyes toward the floor. “You heard, huh?”

  “Yeah, and I wanted to offer my help.”

  She shakes her head. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, Lucas. I don’t want things to get weird, and I—,”

  “They don’t have to be weird,” I interrupt her. “Just let
me help. Okay? There’s nothing wrong with an old friend helping you, right?”

  A cheeky grin pulls at the corners of her lips. “I guess, but there’s a lot of work. I mean a lot of work to do to that place, and you’re probably—,”

  She stops abruptly and looks down at her shoes as she realizes that I’d said at my first meeting that I was on the brink of losing my construction business.

  “Hey,” I pull her chin up. The moment my fingertips touch her, I can feel an electrical charge between us and I know right then that what we had is still there by the look in her eyes. She can feel it, too. Drawing my hand back, I shove it in my pocket. I probably shouldn’t have touched her, but old habits die hard and I’d like to touch a lot more than her chin.

  “I’ve got plenty of free time on my hands, so it won’t be a problem helping you out. I want to do this for you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s the right thing to do?” Because I still love you, but I don’t say that part. “You need the help and I’ve got all the tools to get it done. Let me do this for you.”

  “Are you sure? I don’t want to take advantage of you. A few of the guys from our meeting said they’ll help, so you don’t have to.”

  “Trust me. I’ve had so much free time on my hands that I’ve been volunteering to help Mason on days that I don’t have work.”

  “Mason? You still talk to him?” I nod. “God, I haven’t seen him in ages. How’s he doing?”

  “He got married, had a couple of kids, and started his own business.”

  She smiles, genuinely surprised. “Wow! You two used to run the streets together all the time. I can’t believe he settled down.” Pausing, she says, “It looks like you did, too.”

  I know she’s talking about Alicia but she couldn’t be further from the truth. Alicia is the last person I’d ever settle down with because we’d never work. I’m surprised she’s stuck around this long, or that I’ve dealt with her all this time.