CHAPTER 6
“Katryn, I’m not sure what I’ve done wrong, but it must have been a doozey. I realized last night, when you got so angry, that you must be pretty upset with me. I’d like to start over...”
“Paul stop,” she said quietly. He did, and he waited patiently for her to compose herself. She had thought it would feel good to at least hear if he cared. She realized, though, that hearing him put into words what she wanted more than anything to hear, would be her undoing. It would be better if she not hear any more. Besides, he had listened to her so intently, had seemed to understand how she had felt about being the runt ... well, it just was not fair to be unkind to him now.
“First of all, you’ve done nothing wrong, and I definitely don’t hate you.” In spite of herself, her heart contracted slightly. She continued. “In fact, if circumstances were different, I might start to like you. However, things being what they are, I ...” she faltered for a moment. What could she say? ‘Am not attracted to you?’ Definitely a lie. ‘Can’t love you?’ It was too late. She stared, unseeing, groping for words that would not come.
“Is it Tom?” Paul Asked. “Are you in love with Tom?” He needed to know if he had read that situation wrong. Surprised, she told him no, Tom was just a good friend. “Someone else?” he asked. She nodded.
“Actually ... it’s Julie.” Shocked at the implication, he stammered.
“You aren’t... I mean you and Julie ...”
“Oh, No,” she quickly assured him. “What I meant was, Julie likes you.”
“So?” he asked, not understanding what that had to do with their discussion.
“If Julie likes you, I can’t,” she said, trying to explain.
“I guess I’m a little slow. What exactly do Julie’s feelings have to do with us?”
‘Us?’ she thought. ‘There’s no ‘us’. She tried again. “Julie and I are best friends. We’ve known each other for over ten years. We decided a long time ago we’d never let a man come between us, and we never have. We never will,” she said with finality. “Friends don’t do that to each other.”
“Just a minute. Why does my liking you have to come between you and Julie?” Actually hearing that he liked her hurt even worse than she had thought it might.
“Because Julie likes you,” she answered, trying to shut out the pain.
“But I like you.”
“Julie claimed you first.”
“Claimed me? Is this a joke? Have I no say? Does it matter to either of you whom I like?” he demanded.
“No,” she admitted quietly. “It really doesn’t. Friends don’t ever date a guy their best friend likes. Julie likes you, so I back out. It’s simple, really.” Paul stared at her, disbelieving.
“Katryn, do you have any feelings for me?” he finally asked.
“It doesn’t matter,” she stood her ground, but she could not look at him.
“It damn well matters to me. Look me in the eye and say you really don’t care. Look me in the eye and tell me you didn’t feel something special when you first met me in the gym. I saw it in your eyes, Katryn; you must have seen it mine.”
She thought back to that time and remembered the look she had thought was surprise. He had not been surprised at her reaction, then. He had, perhaps, been surprised by his own reaction. Finding that he had been attracted to her only made her hurt more. Still he continued.
“Look me in the eyes, if you can, and tell me how none of that matters because Julie likes me,” he reached across the table and lifted her chin, forcing her to look at him.
“Don’t you understand, Paul?” she said averting her eyes again. “It can’t matter. You’re off limits to me.”
“Because Julie likes me?” he repeated. She nodded. “So, I’ll tell Julie I like you.” It seemed such a simple answer.
“If you do that to me, you’ll never see me again,” she said vehemently, her eyes flashing at him. “I’d lose Julie as my best friend, and I’d never be able to forgive you for that.”
“What if I tell her I just don’t care for her?”
“I still could never date you,” Katryn answered, smiling sadly. “It would really hurt her if I did, and it would ruin our friendship.”
“Friendship, HELL. What kind of a friendship says you have to give up someone who cares for you? What kind of a friend would ask that?”
“Paul, if I dated you, Julie and I would probably end up a lot less than best friends. Then, when you head off down the road, I’m left with nothing. No thanks.” She remembered the empty feeling her dream had left her with.
“Are you so sure I’ll head off down the road, then?” he asked, surprised.
“The odds favor that outcome.” She spoke logically, without feeling. “After all, look how many people you date, or are attracted to, in a lifetime. You usually only marry once, maybe twice. The odds are against your being the one I’d end up with.”
“So it’s smarter to keep the friendship and not get involved with me,” he said, following her logic.
“Exactly,” she said simply.
“And if I go to Julie and tell her how I feel?”
“I told you. I’ll never forgive you. And I’ll do my best to see that I never have to see you again.” Angry that there seemed no answer, Paul lashed out at her.
“The rest of the team might want to know why you’re dumping me. They may want me to stay.”
“That would be their choice, of course,” she agreed, dispassionately.
“You’d quit?” he asked incredulously, catching her meaning immediately.
“I’ve quit and started over before, I can do it again.” They were both silent a while.
“So what are my options?” Paul asked, defeated.
“Date Julie, fall in love, live happily ever after?” she asked, knowing she had won the battle. With what it had cost her, though, it seemed a rather hollow victory.
“She’s not my type. Other options?” he persisted.
“Accept my friendship?” she asked, hoping he would agree.
“I suppose it really boils down to your friendship or nothing,” he said, not expecting an answer. “You’re not asking much, are you?” She had nothing to say. She knew, well, exactly what she was asking. “You don’t really expect me to date Julie, though, do you?” Katryn smiled at him.
“Not if you don’t want to, but you are free to. Who knows what might...”
“Friendship or nothing?” he asked, cutting her off. She nodded at him. “Any other rules?” he wondered.
“You can’t ever tell Julie we had this lunch, or this talk.”
“I understand.” After a minute he asked, “Will I be allowed to ask you to lunch with me again?”
“No.” She knew she had to be honest with him.
“Not even as friends?” he tried.
“Maybe someday. Not in the near future.” Paul walked her back to her store. When they got to the door, he took her hand, and kissed it solemnly.
“Goodbye, Katryn,” he told her. Then he left. She walked into the store, waved at Dottie, then headed to the back room and shut the door behind her.
She did it. She got rid of the only man who had appealed to her since she had lost her husband. No other man, to be honest, not even her husband, had ever struck a chord in her like Paul had. It seemed so unfair that she had had to work hard to get rid of him. It left her drained and numb.
Pulling herself together again, she headed back into the store to go to work. The fates must have found favor with her. She stayed busy right up until closing, too busy to think anymore about what she had done.
After they closed the store, Katryn asked Dottie if she would like to work full-time.
“Is it working out ok for you the way we’re doing it now?” Dottie asked. “Or do you need me earlier in the mornings.”
“Mornings usually aren’t that busy,” Katryn admitted.
“Then maybe we should keep it the way it is. You know
; if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it?” Dottie offered.
“But surely it must be a pain for you, never knowing if you’ll be staying or not. Besides, with full-time, you’d have steadier income,” Katryn explained.
“My husband left me fairly well off, Katryn, so the money doesn’t matter. And since he’s gone now, I’m pretty much alone. It doesn’t matter to me whether I work one hour or five. I’m just grateful you give me something to do, something to look forward to every day,” Dottie explained. Katryn hugged her.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you. You really don’t mind not having steady hours?” Katryn had to ask.
“I really don’t. It’s the only spontaneous part of my life. Now we’d better get going. Those boys will be wondering where you’ve gotten to.”
Katryn dropped Dottie off on her way home. She was thrilled to find Audrey had fixed supper, so she was soon eating a quiet meal with Ryan and Timmy. She was much more relaxed, now that she had had her talk with Paul, and she enjoyed her time with her sons.
“Should we play a game or read a book?” Katryn asked. When the boys began to argue, she compromised. They played a game Ryan chose, and then Timmy picked out a book for her to read.
“I’m glad you’re happy again,” Timmy told her when she tucked him in to bed. It did not surprise her that he had noticed. She was a bit chagrined, though, that she had not realized how her mood had affected the boys.
“So am I,” she told him, ruffling his hair. Though happy wasn’t really what she was feeling - relief was. She was glad it was over. Now she just hoped her feelings for Paul would stay buried forever.
Paul had no sooner gotten back from his late lunch with Katryn than his secretary told him a Tom Morgan was on the line. Recognizing the name to be the Tom from the volleyball team, Paul wondered what else could go wrong today. He took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, and then took the call.
“Tom, what can I do for you?”
“I think it’s time we had a talk, Paul. There’s something you need to know about our team, about Katryn in particular. Could we get together?” Tom asked.
“Are you free now?” Paul asked, deciding his day was shot anyway. He could stay late tomorrow to catch up on his work.
“I am. Could we meet at Cavanaugh’s, in the bar, say in thirty minutes?”
“That should be fine,” Paul agreed before they hung up.
It was only about twenty minutes later when Tom joined Paul at a small round table towards the back of the bar. Paul had already gotten halfway through his first drink.
“I’d have ordered you something, but I don’t know what you drink,” he apologized. The waitress took Tom’s order. He nursed a martini while Paul started on his second 7 and 7.
Tom kept his surprise to himself. He could usually spot a problem drinker a mile off, and he would have bet Paul was not one. He hated to think Katryn might have gotten tangled up with an alcoholic. John was problem enough. After some polite small talk, Paul spoke up.
“I’ll be honest with you, Tom. I’ve already had a rather unpleasant bit of news today. I’d appreciate it if you’d get right to the point.” Tom wondered, idly if that might explain the drinks.
“Has anyone mentioned to you anything about the guy who left the team last season?”
“Katryn mentioned he’d been a little unpleasant.”
“That sounds like her, all right. Unpleasant isn’t the half of it, I’m afraid,” Tom was not disappointed to see how concerned Paul appeared to be when he told of the two altercations he had witnessed between John and Katryn.
Tom told Paul he had over-heard John yelling at Katryn that he had had about enough talking. That all the times they had talked before had gotten nothing done, and that he, John, had better see some changes fast. That was when Tom had stepped in to find Katryn backed up against the wall. John was poking at her, and Katryn’s face was beginning to show a little of the fear she must have been feeling as John shouted louder and louder.
Tom then went on to tell Paul about when he and Katryn had told John he was to leave. When Paul questioned the wisdom of letting Katryn tell John, Tom shot right back at the man.
“Until you’ve tried to talk Katryn out of something, and failed, you have no idea how stubborn she can be.”
Paul apologized. He pictured a ten your old Katryn up a chestnut tree. Then he remembered the argument they had had that afternoon. He had no doubt that when Katryn had told Tom either she would handle it since she was captain, or she would quit being captain, that she had meant every word of it.
“Katryn thinks it’s over and done with,” Tom jerked Paul out of his reverie. With a sick feeling he listened while Tom continued. “I didn’t trust John, so I started walking Katryn to her car after practice. The first night nothing happened. The second night, though, after Katryn drove away, I noticed a car at the end of the block turn it’s lights on and slowly approach. When the car was beside me, I saw John. He stopped, rolled the window down and said, ‘I wonder if she knows how lucky she is that you’re around.’ Then he pulled away.”
“Did he follow her?” Paul needed to know.
“No. I jumped in my car and rushed to Denny’s. He wasn’t there, and Katryn was inside. She hadn’t seen him, I’m fairly certain. I didn’t tell her, though.” Paul had quit drinking. When the waitress reappeared, they both ordered coffee.
“Have you seen him since?” Paul asked.
“Yes,” Tom answered. Paul only realized he had been holding his breath when he swore and had to gulp for air. Tom continued. “Three more times. The first time was the next week. Same thing. He drove up after she drove off, repeated the same line about how lucky she was, and then he left. The next time was the final tournament game last season. About the middle of November, I guess. I was walking out of the gym for some fresh air and he was starting in. He just smiled and said he wanted to see how the team was doing. I escorted him out and explained I’d better not see him in the gym again. He answered, ‘You won’t always be there. I can wait.’ Then he smiled and left.”
Paul felt himself growing angrier and angrier at this man he had replaced. He closed his eyes and swore softly. Then he looked at Tom.
“What do you think? Would he really hurt her?”
“I don’t know for sure.” Tom looked grimmer than he had earlier. “But if you’re asking me if I think he might actually come after Katryn, I’d have to answer I believe it’s a strong possibility.”
“You still haven’t told her?” Paul knew the answer.
“No. I had hoped he’d give up after that. That season ended the middle of November, and this season didn’t start until the middle of February. I wagered he only wanted to get back at me for decking him, and that he’d forget, or give it up anyway, by this season.”
“He hasn’t, has he?”
“Last week he showed up after practice again,” Tom admitted. Paul digested that piece of information for a minute or two.
“Are you going to warn her now?”
“I have a friend in the police force,” Tom evaded. “I spoke to him about John after the second time he showed up. Seems he’s well known by the police. They know of at least two women he’s beaten up. They were both too afraid to press charges. He admitted I should be worried. John is dangerous. I asked him about telling Katryn.” Paul did not interrupt when Tom took a drink of his coffee. “He admitted that if a person was intent on attacking someone, there’s no way short of a 24 hour guard, that you could stop him. He went on to say that, if Katryn already tended to keep her doors locked and didn’t travel alone at night, she’d be as safe as if she knew. Telling her might really scare her, and possibly for nothing. He went on to say that most women beaters are cowards at heart, and it may be, with me around, that John won’t try anything. But he couldn’t honestly say which way was best.”
“Damned if you do...” Paul did not bother to finish.
“I’m telling you for a coupl
e reasons, Paul. First, I’d like your input about whether she should be told. Second, I wanted you to know why she can’t walk out to her car by herself.”
“That first night I came to practice. I left her standing outside...”
“I was in my car across the street,” Tom assured him.
“What about walking to her car after work?”
“There’s a guard on duty at the flour mill. He’s acquainted with Katryn, and it’s been O.K’d that he stay near the door she uses and watch for her. A couple of the shop-keepers know, too. The man who has the pipe shop across from her has a picture of John. The police are making extra drive-by’s in her neighborhood watching for John’s car. I even told the neighbor across the street. His wife is pretty crippled up and they don’t go out often. Turns out he’s a retired cop, and he’s keeping his eyes open.”
“You’ve been busy,” Paul commented, impressed by what all Tom had accomplished.
“So, what do you think? Do we tell her?” Tom was relieved to be able to share the burden.
“I guess not. What would we accomplish by scaring her? No, I think you’ve made the right decision all along.”
“Thanks.” Tom appreciated the vote of confidence. He knew, too, he’d made the right decision by telling Paul. They spent a little more time in the bar. When they left, Paul had a fair idea what John looked like. He also had a pretty fair idea of just how good a friend Katryn had in Tom. There were not many around like him!
It was Thursday, when she was getting ready for volleyball practice, that the thought crossed Katryn’s mind. What exactly had Paul meant when he had said goodbye? She had assumed at the time that he meant goodbye to anything more than friendship. She could not remember, now, though, if he had actually ever said he would accept friendship.
She drove to practice alone. Julie had wanted to be free to stay, again, and had taken her own car. Katryn drove slowly, just a little afraid of what she might find. What if Paul had quit the team? What explanation could she give to the others? Who could she get to replace him on such short notice? The thought of using the Park’s Department roster again really scared her.
She pretended she cared because of the team. All the while she knew the real reason she cared. Being around Paul was more dangerous than playing with fire, she was well aware. Already she had been scorched. The thought of never seeing him again hurt even worse, however.
She breathed a sigh of relief when she pulled into the school parking lot and saw Paul getting out of his car. He waited for her, and when she got to his car she admitted to him that she had worried he would not be there.
“Did you really think I’d let you down like that? Let the whole team down?” he asked. Then, more quietly he added, “Were you afraid I wouldn’t accept friendship only?” He looked into her eyes and saw the answer there. “If it’s all you’re offering for now, Katryn, I’ll get in line behind Tom.”
“Tom?” Katryn did not understand. Before she could ask what he meant, though, Ken pulled up beside them and they all made their way into the gym.
The night was a complete success. The new system worked, the EVER READYs won all four games, Paul and Julie talked a lot at Denny’s, and Katryn made it through the entire evening without upsetting Julie. Everyone was happy, and looking forward to league play starting tomorrow night. Tom walked Katryn out to the car when she left.
“What do you think, Tom? Can we take the league?” she joked.
“It’s a possibility,” he agreed. “We looked good tonight. You played well, by the way. Get everything straightened out?”
“As straight as it can get. And it feels better.”
“Good. See you tomorrow night,” Tom told her when she got into her car. She pulled away, and was a little surprised to see Tom head back into Denny’s. She wondered if he had always walked her to the car and then gone back. She had never noticed before. She had just presumed he was leaving, too.
The three matches on Friday night went super. The EVER READYs won all three and were riding on cloud nine. They went to the closest pizza parlor and celebrated with Nachos. Julie mentioned going up the street to dance, and Ken said they would probably be thrown out.
“Shorts and team t-shirts aren’t exactly coat and ties, you know,” he explained. Julie bet they would be let in anyway, and soon they all headed to KELLY’S to try. Surprisingly, nothing was said about their appearance. They were even able to pull a couple tables next to each other so they could all sit together.
Mary’s husband Bob was introduced to everyone, and he seemed to fit in well. They danced for a couple hours, with the men taking turns dancing with each of the ladies. With Bob there, the odds favored the women and they danced most every dance. Paul asked Julie first, and made sure he also danced with Mary and Anne before asking Katryn. Katryn was just happy he asked her for a fast dance. She was not at all sure how her resolve would last if she were being held in his arms for a slow song.
The band played only a few slow songs during the two sets Katryn was there. She had danced with Tom for two of them, and Ken and Bob for the others. She had begun to think her luck had held when Paul walked towards her. Paul had made his way around the table, and it was Katryn’s turn again. As he got to her, the band started to play FEELINGS.
Katryn’s resolve may have been strong, but it did not prevent her body from reacting to Paul’s touch. Being held in his arms was too much. The electricity sent shocks through every part of her. She closed her eyes and tried to pretend she did not feel it. She must have stiffened slightly, and Paul noticed.
“It won’t work, you know,” he whispered in her ear. “You can’t ignore what we feel.” When she refused to acknowledge his comment, he asked, “Appropriate song, don’t you think? Feelings like I’ll never have you ...” he quietly sang along with the music.
“Please don’t make it any worse,” she pleaded. “It isn’t how I wanted it either.” She felt her back would be permanently branded from the heat of his hand.
“I’ll find a way,” he said it so quietly she could not be entirely sure he had really said anything.
“There is no way,” she told him just in case. “If Julie ever finds out...”
“She won’t,” he promised. She leaned against him for the last few bars, hating how his touch made her feel, but no longer having the energy to pull away from him.
They walked back to the table and heard the band say they were going on a break. Katryn decided it was a good time for her to leave. She told them she had to be going because she had not told her sitter she would be late.
Everyone promised to go dancing the following Friday, after volleyball, and Katryn agreed to ask her sitter to stay later next week.
Tom walked her to her car.
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