Cloud Field

by A M Russell

  ‘Don’t know. I feel sick… that’s all.’

  ‘Just think about the psyche girl. I reckon she’ll be pleased to see you.’

  Jules smiled for a moment, and then retched. I got out of the way.

  We continued to the First place we had camped. Out of habit rather than any real sense of duty the lads set the temperature spikes. Oliver was helping. He simply would not take any advice from Joe. Personally I thought he’d got a point. Oliver was after all the one who’d gone there and back without actual heavy damage. He seemed cross at the moment. I smiled bitterly, recalling one of Jared’s black moods. It must be catching. Then I shook it from my mind. I wanted to be home then. An animal thirst for life; for normality, was reasserting itself. I found myself thinking that perhaps this was all just an ending. I was the novice, and tomorrow it would all be over. The day after I would leave and not come back. I would let it be. I had almost decided to go back to that life. Then I remembered my promise to Aiden: The ring. As long as I delivered it to George I was off the hook. The closer I got to home the more I wanted to forget. I went to the entrance, eased it open, and slipped outside. The last gleams of the sun were leaving the sky. Tomorrow I would be at Base. I had accomplished something. I would be debriefed. I would go home. The sample thing suddenly seemed so silly; so daft even. So what? What of all of it…? I wasn’t here for that. I had done what I set out to do. To go out; and to come back in one piece. Jules came up behind me. I sensed he was there.

  ‘You should go inside you Muppet.’ I said jokily.

  ‘What’s the matter with you Davey?’ he sounded sad.

  ‘Nothing.’ I said irritated, ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘Yes there is. You weren’t like this before.’

  ‘Before what?’ I spun round and looked at him. He seemed scared and lonely. I felt bad, and relented, ‘I just want to go home. I’m tired of all these mysteries.’

  Jules just looked at me. ‘Perhaps she was right about you. Perhaps you do just want the glory after all.’

  ‘Who are you talking about?’

  ‘Who?’ Jules stared upwards his breath beginning to mist, ‘do you really need me to tell you that?’

  I felt shrivelled by that last statement. We looked out on the advancing night. Jules touched me on the shoulder. He was holding out his hand.

  ‘Shake?’ he asked. I took his hand unsure of what to make of this gesture of what seemed like the finality of a moment; ‘I’m glad I met you.’ He said, ‘I wish there was more time. But I can see what’s happening. I’ve seen it many times before. Some people never really get this place….. It just fades like smoke in a breeze….’

  ‘Right,’ I said,

  ‘Yes…’ he said with a note of desperation, ‘I had hoped that we would be working together after this point. But I know that it isn’t always ready to work out like that.’ He smiled one last time and added; ‘Tomorrow the ones who forget will be gone in spirit anyway. So that’s why I wanted to say it now. Goodbye Davey.’ He looked up at me, at my bewildered expression, and I suppose mistaking that blank look I was used to having at such moments for loss of this reality, he turned and went inside before I could say anything else back.

  The truth was I hadn’t forgotten. I had thoughts and plenty of them. The sting in the tail was Janey of course. I felt overwhelmed by the responsibility that they had tried to thrust onto me. I couldn’t make the decision they were asking me to make. I was only one man…. I looked out at the two coming back in from setting spikes. James and Adam passed me and I followed them in.

  Oliver was sharpening his knife. James was offering everyone seconds. I turned away. No one spoke for a while. That is until Curly decided to liven things up by putting on some music and relating some hilarious tales of life as a student. He told his foolish tales and we all laughed and joked too. The atmosphere improved considerably. We lit more of those stick things as well. Curly thought it a good idea. Yet inside us all there was a fear of the next day. Jules now seemed as distant as when I had first known him. I didn’t want to invite any more revealing insights from the others. I couldn’t take any more of the invasion into my mind. As we all closed our pods that night, it was like closing a book. I knew that it would be different in the morning. The collective version had been set. And in a way it was easier to believe that the actual story. I was satisfied that I didn’t have to tell that as well.

  I woke suddenly from a deep sleep. Something had dragged me back to consciousness. There was a slight and intermittent sound of the wind at night on the door seal. I listened hard. Nothing. For some reason I found myself thinking of waterfalls. Water running. As if someone had left a tap on. But there was nothing from without. Perhaps I had been dreaming after all. I shifted my position slightly; still quite difficult with only one arm fully working. I lay awake for some minutes staring into the darkness. I had a feeling someone else was up. I didn't hear anything. Just a feeling.

  'Davey?' I was awake again listening. A slight shuffle. Someone knocking on the pod; or rather on the flexible rim near the double zipper.

  'Huh? Who's there?' there was another sound.

  'Davey... It's Jules. Please.... I need to talk...' then he went quiet again. I waited, confused by the hour and partly by discomfort in my arm. 'Oh...' I reached over and eased the inner zip a couple of inches, then did the same with the outer zip.

  'Please Davey!' I knew it was Jules, but his voice had a pleading tone so at odds with the image of self-possession he had so often displayed in the past, that I pushed the zip up further to let him in just to find out what could possibly have happened.

  He squeezed in to the little space next to my bunk. He was wearing a padded coat over his leggings and vest thermals. He dragged a blanket in too.

  'Thanks....' he whispered and quickly zipped the door to. I clicked on my small camping lantern but turned it down low.

  'Dear God Jules! What happened?' He was shaking. I tried to hug him, which was quite difficult from a half sitting position. I found a small piece of Barley sugar that Joe had given me, I offered it to him. He shook his head. 'No. Please Jules take it.' I was quite worried I might have to get up and call Joe if Jules was really unwell. That could be tricky. It had taken quite a bit of wriggling to get down inside the sleeping bag; I just wasn't in a manoeuvrable state.

  'I'm sorry....' he gasped. I offered it again. This time he took it like an obedient child and popped it in his mouth.

  I felt really bad about Jules. He was in a mess, and I blamed myself. I tried to set myself the job of being kind and less offy with him. He seemed to calm a little. The warmth of two bodies in the same pod brought the temperature up a little.

  'Tell me what's wrong Jules?' I spoke slowly and with a more welcoming tone than I'd used of late.

  'I want us to be friends. I mean.... Not stop being friends.'

  'I still am,' I said, 'I haven't forgotten anything.... Actually it's rather the opposite. You were right to question me. I guess I was just scared....'

  'You and me both.' Jules managed a bit of a half-smile, 'No one but you and Oliver could understand about the outlands. And Oliver is coping by being bossy and stroppy. And very Welsh!'

  'Yeah! There is that.' I said blinking a bit. 'Do you want to tell me what freaked you?'

  'I woke up. And I heard people talking. I know they're not here.... But I heard them clear as anything.'

  'Who did you hear?'

  Jules put his hands over his face. He knees were drawn up towards his chest as we sat together. I was patient. He rubbed his face in his hands. I offered him a hanky, which he took. I couldn't think of what else to do so I put my hand on his shoulder in what I hoped was a comforting way. I really wasn't very good at this nurse stuff, so I just waited a bit more.

  'Jules?'

  'Yes....' he looked up eyes swimming with silent tears. He scrunched the hanky into a ball, wiped his eyes then looked at me again; 'I'm only just there....awake I mean; you know. And then they were talking
!'

  'Who were?' my lack of experience didn't help me comfort a friend who was on the edge of some precipice of the mind. But I reasoned that if he was actually upset then it was all coming to the surface; and not going into the subconscious and doing that crazy thing that only the clever Violette would know how to deal with. I shook my head to try to rid myself of the strange sensation of remembering a name I didn't think I had consciously heard at any time before.

  'I was awake,' he said still sniffing a little, 'and she said "Jules, tell them I’m at home on Friday".'

  'That's err.... Weird.'

  'There was more.... Then I heard his voice; clear as anything... He said...., he said...' Jules was rocking a little. I was becoming seriously alarmed. I would have to get Joe in a minute. I tried to sound light: 'What did he say?'

  'You believe me?' he sounded relieved,

  'Yes, of course. Tell me the rest.'

  'He said "Tell Davey; I'm still alive. I am where they put me. I have to get back, to be free. Help my sister remember who she always was." that's all of it, I swear! I promise you I heard them both. Clear as anything!'

  'I believe you. Tell me who was speaking.' I said.

  'Janey.... And Jared...' Jules shook his head, 'but it couldn't be. They're both dead!' he broke down sobbing. Fortunately by this time there was some movement outside my pod. A light shone through the double skinned door. It was Joe and Adam.

  Joe took one look at Jules, who was hunched over and twisting the edge of the blanket in his hands, and motioned to Adam to pass the med case.

  'You ok Davey?' said Joe as he got the drugs case open.

  'Yes... I think so....' I was wide awake for sure.

  Joe got some meds into Jules with Adam's help. Adam holding his arm steady.

  A few minutes later Jules went slack and relaxed a little. Adam held him in a sitting position, while Joe put the case away.

  'Sorry Davey.' Joe was being reassuring, and using his best doctor voice.

  'That's fine. But I think I need to pee now. Sorry.'

  'We'll sort things out for Jules; then Adam can give you some help in and out of the sleeping bag.'

  Joe lifted Jules in his arms with practiced ease. Adam followed him carrying the med pack.

  'Uh.. Ok.' I felt neutral but reflective, as if the madness could creep into me as well. I waited calmly until Adam came back.

  'What's going on?' I asked a few minutes later as Adam helped me back into my bed.

  'I think Joe can tell you.' Adam looked at me with that I told you so expression.

  'I guess you were right about our "Serious Mental Issues".'

  'Very good.' said Adam, 'You must be the only one who has actually listened to a word I've said after all.... Listen, I'll just go and see what Joe's managed to do. One of us will come back in a few minutes.'

  I lay back down. I waited, hearing movement, whispers rising and fading for some time.

  It was a good ten minutes later when Joe returned.

  'It's ok. He’s told me everything about what happened to him earlier. He’s calmed down a lot. Are you ok yourself?'

  'Yes. I think so.' I waited for more.

  'Oh.... He is what is technically known as "Completely Messed Up".' There wasn't a hint of humour in Joe's expression; but perhaps a grain of the same fear. He spoke again, and I realised I was imagining Joe's concern as if it was personal nervousness. He continued; matter of fact then. 'I did see this coming. I fact I thought it would happen sooner than this. Nikolas... Well, he has been there already. You see what I'm getting at don't you?'

  'If you find the ultimate prize, it's no good ‘cos you end up crazy?'

  'Well, that's one clinical diagnosis too far at this stage. Sanity is something that has layers to it. Too few and the mind can throw out all sorts of alarming things.'

  'You believe him don't you?' I asked.

  'Yes, I do. But for logical, scientific reasons….Just don't tell anyone I said that.' he added. Then: 'Get some sleep. It will be dawn in two hours. Ì think it's time we all got back to Base today; as soon as we can.'

  'I won't go....?

  'Just stay calm. That's all I can advise.' he grinned then, 'a calm bonkers person is much easier to deal with from a medical point of view.'

  'You're the doc, Doc!'

  'Actually, I'm a paramedic back at home. But the distinction makes no difference out here. Sleep now; that’s an order Milly!'

  Morning came without any real dawn; it was rather a slight diminution of the grey mist that had come down on us. Outside visibility was at about zero. Joe and Adam sat at the smaller of the two tables talking in low voices. The others who were up sat with me at the bigger camping table: Curly Pete and Oliver. James was making breakfasts. I was the least of their worries. Oliver was subdued and barely grunted even a good morning. He was still obsessively paring sticks into sharp points. I glanced at Curly who was in a happy little world listening to his music player. He seemed to be the only one who wasn’t down and troubled today. I wasn’t sure if I was counting myself in that category or not…. The humorous student with silly, and probably wildly exaggerated tales of great escapades; or our fractured group, in which the cracks were spreading wider with every passing hour.

  Much as I found Curly’s upbeat attitude a bit too much sometimes, I wished that we could all tap into it right now: and laugh off the debilitating sense of malaise that was settling in. I looked at my watch. Eight am. We would probably break camp a bit later than planned; perhaps at eleven. The mist should have lifted by then.

  I was cheered quite a lot by the huge plate of breakfast that James had concocted. He’d gone to town and really thrown in every breakfast item that was available. I stared at the scrambled egg, and thought of Marcia. I was sure that she had to be back. I mean…. That was the way it worked, wasn’t it? Did you just wait around at Base for the rest of the party to turn up?

  I tucked in and felt my strength return. Oliver and Curly did the same. Joe and Adam seemed preoccupied with something. Adam was being insistent; he seemed quite the most unchanged person in our band of rags and tags. I thought of his sketches. In some ways the most objective view of the Cloud Fields aside from Nikolas’ photos; and probably the only ones that would find their way out of the Base. It seemed that the work was done. And nothing was really changed. Jared still died. Janey had not arrived, and I was still being indecisive.

  I knew it was coming. That little matter of the samples. Loathe as we were to destroy them. It was something of a question of our own expendability. We had all “had enough” as a group. There was nothing except our experiences if we got rid of the physical evidence. Nothing left to show to anyone on the outside. I knew that I had the files on the dot inside my ring. But what we had seen for ourselves was only just enough to convince us. No one else was going to take what any of us said seriously on flimsy evidence like that anyway.

  Logically they had to be destroyed. All of them.

  Joe and Adam came to us. James put his own plate down. He seemed calm and relaxed. I had forgotten how much it cheered them all… the cooking. I watched him, no trace of real upset. I suppose he was not a volatile person… not like some of the others. I had never heard him say anything about seeing stuff. He focused on doing his job, and doing it well.

  ‘It’s time.' said Joe to all of us. Tacitly we had all left Jules and Nikolas out of the reckoning. But I felt it ought to be pointed out that Jules really was the only one who had the authority to destroy the scientific samples. As I explained my reasons Joe's expression got darker and more defensive.

  ‘It’s not going to be like that.’ said Joe, ‘My patient is not in any state to make any decision about anything at the present time. And now we have no time.’

  I nodded, ‘The rest of us must all agree though…. even Nik.’

  Joe seemed exasperated with me; ‘We cannot put this off. It has to be now. We need to bury the samples somewhere that only one of us knows…. So the others can’t te
ll.’

  ‘I thought we were going to burn them?’ said Oliver.

  ‘Uh; no man!’ said Curly, ‘Water doesn’t burn. Not even in this freaky frigging place!’

  ‘Who goes to do it? asked Oliver, ‘and I know it mustn’t be me.’

  ‘I will.’ said Adam…. He stood up. ‘I know that some of you think that I don’t believe in what we were trying to do here; in view of the fact that I have always been sceptical about the… err, Insights that everyone else has had in these last few weeks. But I would like to say; that whatever I thought of the mission; I do believe in one thing: preserving the friends I have found from being punished for something they are wholly innocent of. You can count on me to support you. Even if I don’t exactly believe in your version of events… I do believe in each of you. So with permission from the assembled company I’ll suit up; run out a line into the fog; and put all this stuff where no one can find it. I don’t know about you all; but I’m really ready to go home now!’

  He looked round the table. One by one we all nodded and raised a hand. Curly gave Adam a “high five” and said: ‘no hard feelings mate.’

  ‘Yes.’ said Oliver darkly, ‘Do it now.’

  *****

  Twenty Six

  The last journey back. Now it came to it I was rolling in neutral, mood wise. We trundled into breaking clouds that smudged in fluffy patches. The air was still, the temperature outside very cold. As we began the accent up from the plains I remembered the guys singing. It stung me, but I just ignored it. Home was closer now. Even the work and the boredom would be welcome. Crazy was in the cab with me, but I wasn’t in it. Jules was sleeping. Nikolas fiddled with his camera. Joe drove us. The other two vehicles had the pairs arranged with Adam and Curly together. James was in the passenger seat of the Buggy, so Oliver could drive; he was more bearable that way; cleverly, Joe had put him with the one person who he wouldn’t growl at. James had given everyone a pack of bars and flasks so we wouldn’t need to get out of the vehicles.