THOMAS
I'll be alright. I know how to defend myself.
VILLAGER 5
You will need more than your fists and a gun to keep your soul.
ORLOK
Nonsense! She's speaking nonsense. She is an old, crazy woman who eats garbage and sleeps with the cattle. Come, we go now.
VILLAGER 5
If you leave tonight, I swear you will be eaten by wolves under the full moon.
THOMAS
Did you say wolves? Those are like big dogs, yes? I'm very frightened by dogs. Maybe it is best I rest here tonight.
ORLOK
Wolves? There are no wolves in this country. It is a lie we tell strangers to keep them from robbing our gardens.
VILLAGER 5
Wolves that are more man than beast, but more devil than man. Wolves that stand on hind legs. Wolves that have knives for teeth. Wolves that have--
ORLOK points offstage.
ORLOK
Look! A ghost!
ALL look, and ORLOK swiftly breaks VILLAGER 5's neck.
ORLOK
Look, Mr. Hutter. She has fallen down from drinking. She knows nothing about nothing. We go now. Come, to my--er Count Dracula--er Orlok's castle. (to offstage) Knock, now you have me saying it, too! I'll rip out your spine when you aren't looking, I swear!
ORLOK exits.
KNOCK (OS)
Sorry, Master! Please forgive me! No, don't hit me again!
THOMAS
Well, goodnight to all of you.
THOMAS exits.
VILLAGERS
STRANGERS COME INTO OUR LANDS
LAUGHING AT OUR OLD LEGENDS
THEY DISAPPEAR IN THE NIGHT
NEVER AGAIN TO SEE THE LIGHT.
END ACT 1, SCENE 2
1.3 HAVING THE GUEST FOR DINNER
All the VILLAGERS but VILLAGER 5 leave the stage. The STAGEHANDS move away the blocks and benches, but rearrange the table and chairs. THEY place a dinner set on the table for two people, but only one plate has food. STAGEHAND 1 notices that VILLAGER 5 has not left.
STAGEHAND 1
Hey, clear the stage. Get up and go!
STANGEHAND 1 kicks VILLAGER 5, but SHE does not move. STAGEHAND 2 comes over and checks the body.
STAGEHAND 2
She's dead.
STAGEHAND 1
She’s acting.
STAGEHAND 2
No, she’s really dead.
STAGEHAND 1
You mean, dead dead?
STAGEHAND 2
Uh-huh.
THEY look at the audience and push a forced smile.
STAGEHAND 2
The show must go on!
STAGEHAND 1
Yeah. Ha, ha, ha! Nothing stopping us now!
THEY lift VILLAGER 5's body and run offstage.
Beat.
COUNT ORLOK’s castle, Transylvania. THOMAS enters, satchel in hand. HE has never seen this room before. The castle has been mostly vacant, and HE is surprised by the table set. HE looks around for the castle's help, but finds no one.
THOMAS
Hello? Is there anyone here? A servant perhaps?
THOMAS looks out a window downstage.
SFX: The microphone is accidentally turned on, and ORLOK and JAMIE can be heard.
ORLOK (OS)
You think I scared her too much? I shouldn't have yelled at her.
JAMIE (OS)
Uh, Count Orlok.
ORLOK (OS)
I've always had such a temper. Could you go talk to her? Put in a good word for me?
JAMIE (OS)
Count Orlok, your elbow is on the microphone.
ORLOK (OS)
It's what? Oh sh--
SFX: The microphone is turned off.
Beat.
THOMAS
Hello? Is there anyone here? A servant perhaps? (Breaking character) Or maybe the star of the show, by chance? I'm just guessing here.
ORLOK enters from behind THOMAS, like a shadow about to consume its creator. ORLOK's evil smile sends chills up THOMAS' back.
ORLOK
(In character) Welcome...to my home.
THOMAS
Ah! Count Orlok. I didn't notice you standing there.
ORLOK
No one sees my true form until I wish it.
THOMAS
Well thank you for letting me see you now.
ORLOK
I trust your travel here was swift.
THOMAS
It was except for the coach ride to the castle. I've never had a more frightful experience in my life. Must the only road to here be on such a high cliff? I swear I could see straight into hell.
ORLOK chuckles.
ORLOK
Please, sit
THOMAS sits.
ORLOK
Eat.
THOMAS
No, thank you. I'm not that hungry.
ORLOK
Eat!
THOMAS takes the utensils and carves at the food and eats a small piece. Unfortunately for the actor THOMAS, there is something obviously wrong with the food.
ORLOK
You like?
THOMAS
Mmmm. Delicious. I've never eaten...raw fish before. (breaking character) It's almost as if it was supposed to be pre-cooked chicken...but raw fish it is...somehow.
ORLOK
I think it smells better that way. The blood mixes with the air. It's delicious.
THOMAS
If you would like to try a taste of mine, I'll gladly hand it over.
ORLOK
No. I do not eat...fish. And I have eaten for the night. (to Audience) Director al dente!
ORLOK kisses HIS fingers as a sign of deliciousness.
THOMAS
More for me, then. Hooray.
The actor THOMAS is about to take another bite with ORLOK watching intensely.
THOMAS
(Back in character) If we can skip dinner, I'd like us to go over the contract for your new house and surrounding property in Weisberg.
ORLOK
Oh, alright!
THOMAS takes some papers out of HIS satchel as well as a pen and an inkwell. ORLOK looks at the papers hastily.
THOMAS
Everything is in order. Please sign there.
ORLOK
My lawyer needs to see these papers first. Do you mind?
THOMAS
No. I prefer that you do have your lawyer look over these documents.
ORLOK
I am happy to hear you say that. He is on vacation and will be here in a week. I'll keep these papers, and you will be my guest.
THOMAS stands up.
THOMAS
A whole week?! Count Orlok, I can't--
ORLOK
Or I can tell Mr. Knock to send another young, healthy meal...I mean man to help me.
THOMAS
No. I'll stay. It would be an honor to be a guest in your castle.
ORLOK
I knew it would.
THOMAS closes HIS satchel, but a locket falls out of it. THOMAS moves to take it, but ORLOK's reflexes are faster. ORLOK opens it and is frozen stiff by the loveliness of ELLEN's picture inside.
ORLOK
Who is this?
THOMAS
Mrs. Hutter, my wife. If you would please give me--
ORLOK
She is young.
THOMAS
We married recently.
ORLOK
Her eyes are so enchanting.
THOMAS
They are her best feature.
ORLOK
Her lips are so red.
THOMAS
Yes, they're very...red.
ORLOK
(Breaking character, to audience) And have you seen her bosom? The first Ellen was nice...and delicious, but this new Ellen...I like her more. Don't you?
ELLEN enters, staying to the side.
ELLEN
The actor THOMAS snatches the locket back.
THOMAS
(In character) All her parts are lovely!
The actor THOMAS stares at the actress ELLEN until SHE exits.
THOMAS
(breaking character,sarcastically to offstage) Thank you.
ORLOK gives a death stare to THOMAS who feels frightened by it.
ORLOK
(in character) I can see all her parts are lovely. Your room is up those stairs. This old castle of mine does not keep out the wind, but we have many blankets for you to keep warm.
THOMAS
Thank you for your hospitality. I'll go to my room now. I feel sleepy. Goodnight, Count Orlok.
ORLOK nods, and THOMAS exits.
ORLOK
Yes, you must stay very, very warm, for I hate it when my meals go cold.
ORLOK starts off with a low chuckle but eventually falls victim to a maniacal, boisterous laugh. This goes on for quite a while.
ORLOK
(Breaking character, to audience) "I hate when my meals go cold." I am so funny!
ORLOK falls over with laughter.
JAMIE (OS)
Count Orlok. Count Orlok, the show!
ORLOK's laughter stops.
ORLOK
What? I am laughing. Can I not laugh at my own jokes?
JAMIE enters.
JAMIE (OS)
You can, but we're on a time schedule. We really need to stay on track.
ORLOK
You do not think I am funny?
JAMIE (OS)
I never--
ORLOK
You don't! You don't think I'm funny at all! (points to someone on the audience) You! You there! You look as evil and as fearsome as I am. Do you think I am funny?
The audience member should eventually say "Yes" or at the very least nod.
ORLOK
(points to another audience member) And you, you who looks like you just crawled out of the black lagoon. Do you think I am funny?!
Again, audience member should agree.
ORLOK
(to JAMIE) You see! I am funny! You should laugh at my jokes. Laugh at them!
JAMIE
I didn't say you weren't--
ORLOK
Laugh!
JAMIE forces out laughter.
ORLOK
You see, I am funny. You are a buzzard kill!
ORLOK exits. JAMIE follows.
JAMIE (OS)
Buzz kill.
ORLOK (OS)
Whatever!
END ACT 1, SCENE 3
1.4 FROM A DREAM TO A NIGHTMARE
Count Orlok: The Bloody Truth about the Greatest Vampire to Ever Un-Live Page 3