The STAGEHANDS enter. THEY remove the dinner set and rearrange the table, placing a pillow and blanket on it to make it a bed. A door is added Upstage, and a window is added to the side of the stage. Downstage is a desk with an inkwell, quill, and journal on top of it.
THOMAS’ room in COUNT ORLOK’s castle, a month later. THOMAS is sitting at the desk in the same clothes as before, but HE looks strung out and very ill. HE writes in the journal.
THOMAS
Ellen, my beautiful wife, I’m writing to you in my diary again, hoping I can one day read these letters to you in person. It’s been a month since I was welcomed into Count Orlok’s castle, and I do not know when or if I’ll escape it. Every night, the Count promises me his lawyer will arrive soon, and every night his lawyer does not come...come to take me away from this God forsaken land. I swear that evil flows up from the pits of Hell and soaks itself into this land, just like the never-ending rain. I’ve heard the wolves cry at night, their voices rabid and feral.
Beat.
THOMAS
I said I've heard the wolves cry at night!
SFX: STAGEHANDS growl and howl like a wild pack of wolves.
THOMAS
There they are now! (Breaking character) Unfortunately. (In character) I do not doubt that they’d eat me whole if I dared walk on foot outside the protection of these castle walls.
SFX: STAGEHANDS stop growling.
THOMAS
Then there’s the never-ending storms. The thunder that shakes every chair, table, and stone in my prison, and the lightning that gives shadow to the invisible demons that walk the night.
SFX: A thunder sheet is bent back and forth to create a pathetic thunder sound.
A STAGEHAND aims a spotlight at the wall and creates menacing hand shadows on the back wall.
THOMAS
There it is now! How cruel nature is when She shields Her monsters so fiercely!
SFX: The thunder stops.
The spotlight is turned off.
THOMAS
And the shrill little voices of bats, like screams of lost ghosts hungry for my life force, make me fear for my soul.
SFX: STAGEHANDS squeak as best they can like bats. One STAGEHAND caws like a raven, and the STAGEHANDS immediately shush HIM/HER and ALL go silent.
THOMAS
But the worst is Count Orlok. I am repulsed by his presence, so I do all I can to avoid him. Now he visits me in my dreams, chasing me down like a mouse running from the cat, or a fly caught in the spider’s web. When I awake in the morning, I feel drained of my life. I suspect my host is the cause of my sickness, so tonight I will not sleep and catch him in the act.
The sound of organ music vamps under THOMAS’ voice.
THOMAS
Tonight I’ll see if my nightmares will come for me in the flesh. You, Ellen, you will be my cross against evil. With you in my heart, I hope to survive the night.
LOVE’S DEFEAT OF DEATH
THOMAS
LOVING ALWAYS COMES WITH A PRICE
NO ONE EVER CARES TO THINK TWICE
WHEN YOU FIND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE
KNOW YOU’LL DIE AS HUSBAND AND WIFE
SEPARATED BY LAND AND SEA
HEARTS WILL ESCAPE AS REFUGEES
FROM A BRAIN THAT CAN’T UNDERSTAND
BECAUSE LOVE CAN’T FOLLOW COMMANDS
ONCE A HEART MEETS ITS PERFECT MATCH
NOTHING YOU DO CAN MAKE IT DETACH
FROM IT’S FINAL WARM RESTING PLACE
PREPARE FOR DEATH’S CHILLING EMBRACE
The lights onstage change to suggest that THOMAS is entering a dreamlike state.
ELLEN (OS)
Thomas!
THOMAS
Ellen!
ELLEN enters. SHE is dressed in an elegant night gown.
ELLEN
Thomas!
THOMAS
Ellen!
ELLEN and THOMAS embrace.
ELLEN
I miss you so much, Thomas.
THOMAS
As you should, and I miss you even more.
ELLEN
When will we be together again?
THOMAS
Soon, Ellen. Soon.
ELLEN and THOMAS dance together. The organ continues to play as THEY dance.
ORLOK can be seen to the side of the stage, watching the actress ELLEN with a sweet longing.
ELLEN dances towards offstage, but SHE has to stop when ORLOK is in HER way.
ELLEN
(Breaking character) I'm sorry. I didn't mean to--
ORLOK
You dance like a succubus; a temptress of sin and rage, thriving on the despair of her victims.
ELLEN
(Enamored) You really think so? That's so sweet.
JAMIE (OS)
Count Orlok…the show…if you’re ready. We can't go on without you.
ORLOK
Yes, we wouldn't want to rob my audience of my presence any longer.
ELLEN exits, the actress and ORLOK gazing at EACH OTHER.
ORLOK
It is bad enough they must watch these actors when I am not onstage.
ORLOK motions towards the actor THOMAS. The actor THOMAS is greatly offended by this.
THOMAS
Excuse me?!
ORLOK
I did not mean you...mostly.
THOMAS
Mostly?! I'm most likely the best actor in this poor excuse for a company. Do you have any idea how many leading roles I've played before?
ORLOK
Please! You learned to act from a community college. You should be happy you have any work at all. (to ALL) On with the show.
ORLOK walks behind the door. HE prepares to be scary, and then bangs on the door. THOMAS is awakened and is in fear for HIS life.
THOMAS
Who is it?
ORLOK
Open the door.
ORLOK laughs menacingly at length, and takes the actor THOMAS out character.
THOMAS
Nope.
ORLOK
Yes, you...what? No?!
THOMAS
I’m very tired, and I must sleep. I will visit with you—
ORLOK
Open the door!
THOMAS
I can’t do that. I value my privacy, Count Orlok. It must stay closed.
ORLOK
Open the door!
THOMAS
I’m—
ORLOK
Open the door!!!
THOMAS
I’m nude!
Beat.
ORLOK
No you’re not!
THOMAS
Yes, I am.
ORLOK
No, you’re not.
THOMAS
I’m as naked as a newborn baby in a nudist commune.
ORLOK
You are wearing now what you were wearing earlier today. I saw you.
THOMAS
I could have changed. How do you know I didn't? Can you see through walls?
ORLOK
(Breaking character) HOWARD, STOP IMPROVISING! GET OVER YOURSELF!…(in character) and open the door!
The actor THOMAS reluctantly walks over to the door and opens it. ORLOK walks into the room like a stiff corpse leaning on its unbending joints, but still retaining a predator’s grace. For a moment, ORLOK's evil is allowed to thrive. HIS eyes wide and hungry focus on the audience. THOMAS cowers on the floor.
THOMAS
Please, don’t hurt me!
ORLOK
I will not bruise you like a peach, but suck your warm juices dry.
THOMAS
What do you mean?
ORLOK
Do you not realize yet what I am?
ORLOK turns away from audience to put in fangs, which are the two front teeth instead of the usual canines.
THOMAS
You’re…you’re a vampire! Come to drink my blood!
ORLOK
Yes, I am vampyre! I am the living dead, the demon suited in rotted flesh, the incubus who has haunted your dreams for a month, and now I come to pluck the apple from the tree and regenerate my eternal life!
THOMAS screams.
THOMAS
No! Don’t take me, don’t take me! Let me live! I don’t want to die! I have so many years left worth living!
ORLOK
(to THOMAS) Yes, I shall kill you, but you will die slowly. I will drink your blood drop by drop until you are a dried corpse. And when I am finished with you, I will find your Ellen and make her my bride!
THOMAS
No!
ORLOK
And on our wedding night, she will be no more.
ORLOK is caught in another evil laughter fit and moves towards THOMAS for the kill.
THOMAS
Ellen, I’ll save you! Even if have to jump out the window and into the river to do it!
THOMAS scrambles up from the ground and tries to make it to the window while dodging ORLOK's grasp. This game continues all over the room until the actor THOMAS slaps ORLOK as a defensive move.
ORLOK
Ahh! You hit me!
THOMAS rubs HIS hand.
THOMAS
Did I? I thought I was swatting at a fly.
ORLOK
You hit me! Great-great-great-great-great grandnephew of my third youngest sister or not, I'll make you pay for that!
THOMAS runs offstage, with ORLOK following HIM.
JAMIE (OS)
The window! You have to jump through the window!
THOMAS re-enters, and quickly jumps through the window and exits.
ORLOK runs back out.
ORLOK
Next scene!
ORLOK exits.
END ACT 1, SCENE 4
1.5 TIDINGS OF ILL FORTUNES
The STAGEHANDS enter. THEY take off the pillow and blanket from the bed and replace them with more expensive, frilly pillows and a blanket. The door is moved to the side of the stage and the window is moved Upstage.
ELLEN enters, wearing the nightgown she was wearing in the previous scene. SHE jumps in the bed and lies down, as if asleep.
The Harding's Guestroom; Weisberg, Germany. ELLEN is troubled by horrible nightmares, tossing and turning in bed until she wakes up screaming in panic.
ELLEN
Thomas! Thomas!
MRS. RUTH HARDING enters. SHE is a well-off family friend of the HUTTERS, and good fortune has allowed HER to be a gentle soul. SHE moves quickly towards ELLEN and holds a moist rag in hand.
RUTH
Good gracious, Ellen! Are you alright?
ELLEN
Thomas, he's in trouble. I can feel it.
RUTH
That was a bad dream you were having. A bad dream. If you take a moment to wake up, you'll realize I'm right.
ELLEN takes the moist rag and wipes HER forehead with it.
ELLEN
Thank you, Ruth. I'm calmer now.
SFX: The microphone is turned on again.
ORLOK and JAMIE's dialogue will all be offstage, but ELLEN and RUTH continue their scene in spite of the disturbance.
ORLOK (OS)
Jamie! Jamie!
RUTH
Poor, poor dear. You've been having these spells since Thomas left for business almost two months ago.
ORLOK (OS)
There you are. Did you see what my my great-great-great-great-great grandnephew did to me? He slapped me!
RUTH
I like having someone to talk to other than Mr. Harding, but you worry me, Ellen.
JAMIE (OS)
What do you want me to do about it?
RUTH
Ellen, you worry me.
ELLEN
(Breaking character) Huh? Oh! Sorry. (In character)Thomas is in danger. I can feel it.
ORLOK (OS)
Who cares? He's fired. Howard is fired. I fire him. Find him a replacement. Now!
ELLEN
I can feel the evil floating on the wind, waiting for its moment to strike at us.
JAMIE (OS)
I can't replace him. We're in the middle of a show, and he has no understudy.
ELLEN
I can't stay here any longer, Ruth. I have to find my husband.
ORLOK (OS)
Find one or else!
RUTH
Wait. Calm down, allow yourself a full night of rest, and I'll--
JAMIE (OS)
Or else what?
RUTH
I'll tell you a bit of good news that'll cheer you up.
ORLOK (OS)
Or else I'll make sure you never work for S-U-C-K again, you weak-spined, useless, pathetic excuse for an idiot of a director!
SFX: A face slap.
Beat.
ORLOK (OS)
You slapped me!
JAMIE (OS)
I know. It felt good.
ORLOK (OS)
I will kill you!
SFX: The microphone is turned off.
A slap fight between ORLOK and JAMIE continues offstage.
ELLEN
I...I won't be happy until I know Thomas is okay.
ORLOK (OS)
Oww! She's wearing a crucifix!
JAMIE (OS)
You bet I am!
ELLEN
(Breaking character) Oh, no! Not a crucifix!
RUTH
I wasn't going to show you this, because it'll keep you up. But if you're going to storm out of my house in the middle of the night, then here.
RUTH takes a letter from HER pocket and hands it over to ELLEN. The actress ELLEN hardly reads it, focusing more on ORLOK.
ORLOK and JAMIE enter the stage fighting like fourteen-year-old girls. ELLEN and RUTH have no choice but to continue with the scene.
ELLEN
(Breaking character) Get her, Orlok! Get her!
RUTH
It's from Thomas. I read it earlier. I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to make sure it wasn't bad news.
ELLEN
I...uh...He's in a hospital in Transylvania. He's being treated by the world famous Dr. Bulwar!
ORLOK
(to audience) Dr. Bulwar is world famous for being a fat, old, useless, nosey--
JAMIE sucker punches ORLOK and knocks the breath out of HIM.
RUTH
How lucky he is! That man can cure any illness God has created. I heard he once cured a man of old age. I don't believe a word of it, but--
JAMIE manages to grab ORLOK's ear and slightly twist it, putting ORLOK in severe pain.
ORLOK
Ow! Ow! Ow!
ELLEN
(breaking character) Don't hurt him!
JAMIE
I'm not taking it anymore, you hear me? You're not firing Howard, and you're not telling me what do, because I'm in charge here. Got it?
ORLOK
Ow! Ow! Ow!
JAMIE
Got it?!
ORLOK
Yes! Let go of my ear! Now!
JAMIE lets go, nods to the audience, and then exits.
ELLEN
She had a crucifix. It wasn't a fair fight.
ORLOK
I'll kill her later.
ELLEN
I know you will.
JAMIE (OS)
What was that?
ORLOK
Nothing!
ORLOK storms off and exits.
ELLEN
(to RUTH) You think he likes me?
RUTH
(In character) What does Thomas' letter say, Ellen?
ELLEN
(In character) Thomas was sick for a whole month, but now he's completely cured. Dr. Bulwar and he are coming home as soon as possible. Oh, Ruth, isn't that wonderful?
RUTH
It is, but now you're too excited to get a full nights rest.
ELLEN
I can't rest knowing Thomas is
on his way back home. What time is it?
RUTH
It's near five in the morning.
ELLEN
Only a few hours before the stores open. Come, Ruth. We have to make me beautiful before my Thomas arrives.
RUTH
You're pretty enough. Any prettier, and I'll have to hide you from my husband.
ELLEN
Hurry!
RUTH
But what about the shady character Thomas warns you about, this Count Orl--
ELLEN
Come on!
ELLEN pulls RUTH by the hand, and THEY exit.
END ACT 1, SCENE 5
1. 6 GOODBYES FOR A QUICK RETURN
The STAGEHANDS enter. THEY remove the bed, the table, the window, and the door. As THEY do, ORLOK enters the stage.
ORLOK
Yes, what of these warnings about me? Hmm? Can--
One of the STAGEHANDS bump into ORLOK, nearly knocking HIM down to the ground.
STAGEHAND 2
Sorry, Mr. Count Orlok.
ORLOK slaps STAGEHAND 2 on the head, making HIM drop the bed on HIS own foot.
ORLOK
Idiot! Must you make me look ridiculous as I am tricking the audience to return after the Intermission?!
STAGEHAND 2
Sorry, Mr. Count Orlok. It won't happen again.
STAGEHAND 2 picks up the bed again.
ORLOK
(to audience) Don't worry. I'll kill him later, too.
JAMIE (OS)
No you won't!
STAGEHAND 2
What?
STAGEHAND 1
Pick up the pace!
ALL the STAGEHANDS exit. Organ music vamps under ORLOK's speech.
ORLOK
Can a human being comprehend my evil enough to describe it in ink and paper? Would his brain keep from shriveling into a walnut from sheer terror of my memory? It is best Ellen Hutter, that beautiful, lovely, lovely bosomed woman does not know of her fate. (off script) I have known her only for a few moments, and already she has wrapped herself around my....(Beat, on script) Why warn an animal of its inescapable slaughter? Not even the devil would be so cruel. Let these children dream of happiness, laughter, and love. (off script) Love, a feeling I thought was eternally removed from my chest long ago. (Beat, on script) And still is! Return to here and continue being witness to the pains I have in store for these mortals!
ORLOK exits.
STAGEHAND 1 (OS)
Is he smiling?
ORLOK (OS)
I am not smiling! I'm grimacing.
STAGEHAND 2 (OS)
If you can call that a smile.
ORLOK (OS)
I'm not smiling!
Organ music ends on evil, haunting notes.
END ACT 1, SCENE 6
END ACT 1
2.1 THE VILLAIN COMES TO SAVE THE DAY
HUTTER’s house; Weisberg, Germany. The set is already up.
ELLEN
I’m so happy! Thomas is coming—
As the actress ELLEN enters, SHE trips over RUTH's dead body that has been left just offstage.
ELLEN
(Breaking character) What’s Ruth doing on the ground?
JAMIE (OS)
Again?!
JAMIE rushes out Onstage and instinctively checks for a pulse.
ELLEN
Is she dead? Awesome! A real live dead body! And I touched it!
JAMIE
Orlok! What's this dead body doing on my set?!
ORLOK (OS)
She won’t be necessary for the second act, and I wanted a snack.
JAMIE
(to offstage) Someone clear Ruth off the stage. Now!
STAGEHAND 1 and STAGEHAND 2 rush out and pick up the body.
STAGEHAND1
We’re getting pretty good at this.
STAGEHAND 2
Maybe we should start a body-hiding business.
STAGEHAND 1
I hear you have to change unions for that. (to audience) Hey, if any of you monsters out there need a little help getting rid of your late-night dates, just call me and my buddy. We're very discreet.
JAMIE
Move it!
STAGEHAND 1
Yes, ma'am. (to audience) Five-five-five, B-O-D-Y.
STAGEHANDS exit with the body before JAMIE has a chance to scold THEM again.
JAMIE
(to ELLEN) We’ll start the scene over. Are you ready?
ELLEN
Sure. You better stake her heart and cut off her head, or she'll come back as a vampire.
ORLOK (OS)
No she won't!
ELLEN
She won't?
ORLOK enters, trying not to get angry at ELLEN.
ORLOK
She will only turn if she drinks of my blood.
ELLEN
Oh, like in my romance comic books. I get it now. Blood fluids exchanging and all that. Anne Rice must know what she was talking about. I wonder if she actually knew a real vampire, like you. Well, not like you, but kind of like you. You're obviously more real than any vampire she could ever meet. You're totally awesome.
Beat.
ORLOK
You're so pretty and...innocent.
ELLEN
Thank you.
ORLOK exits.
JAMIE
Are we all good to start again? Thank you.
JAMIE extis.
JAMIE (OS)
We’re starting it over! On three. One…two…three!
END ACT II, SCENE I (TAKE 1)
2.1 THE VILLAIN COMES TO SAVE THE DAY (TAKE 2)
HUTTER’s house; Weisberg, Germany. The scene is already set up, minus one dead body. ELLEN enters. SHE looks around to make sure not to trip over any other dead bodies.
ELLEN
I’m so…happy. Thomas is coming home today. I can hardly contain myself.
SFX: knocking at the door.
ELLEN
That must be Thomas!
ELLEN hastily yet carefully steps over to the door and opens it. THOMAS enters, looking much healthier than last time.
ELLEN
Oh, Thomas! You're home at last!
ELLEN jumps into THOMAS' arms.
THOMAS
Careful, Ellen. I've not yet fully recovered from my sickness.
ELLEN
But you're getting better, and that's all that matters to me.
THOMAS
If you'd like to meet the man who revived me, then let us both through the door.
ELLEN
Certainly. I'm sorry, Thomas. I'm very happy right now.
THOMAS
I can see that, and I understand it, but please remember to act like the high bred woman you are before I introduce you to the doctor who saved my life.
ELLEN
Right. I'm sorry.
THOMAS
Please let me introduce into my house Professor Bulwar.
BULWAR enters. BULWAR is a statue of confidence, a paragon of science, and an educated fool. For that which cannot exist, HE can prove it does and why...or so HE thinks. HE also is the only one with a German accent.
The actor for BULWAR is a well-trained Southern man who will only take so much from others before HE explodes.
BULWAR
You have a lovely house here, Mrs. Hutter.
ELLEN
Thank you. I do what I can.
BULWAR
I deduce from your choice of upholstery on those chairs that your mother is from the Hesse-Darmstadt State, just north of the Main River?
ELLEN
Well, no--
BULWAR
And by your selection of that handcrafted table that your father is Bavarian, a country famous for its white sausages?
ELLEN
Actually, both my parents are from Berlin. The furniture was purchased from a Swedish family who lives down the street.
BULWAR
Ah...Swedish. That was my next choice.
ELLEN
Professor Bulwar, thank you for bringing my husband back to me. I don't know what would have happened to him if you hadn't save him.
THOMAS
I would have perished. I owe Professor Bulwar my life.
BULWAR
No, you certainly do not. You owe me your life no more than the evil sickness that tried to take it from you. I am a doctor, a man of science, and knowledge of the unknown is my reward, which is why I followed you home, Mr. Hutter. I have a theory that the very same creature you met in Transylvania has followed you to your home.
THOMAS
No!
BULWAR
Ja!
ELLEN
Oh no!
BULWAR
The client your husband went to do business with is an evil monster, one I have spent most of my life hunting. Everywhere I have looked, this Count Orlok has eluded me. He is as tangible as a ghost and harder to see with the naked eye. Mr. Hutter, I almost envy you, for you have seen what would cost most their lives.
THOMAS
If I hadn't jumped out a window and landed in a river, I would have.
ELLEN
Oh, Thomas.
THOMAS
I'm fine now, Ellen. No need to worry.
BULWAR
Yes, for now, but for how long? The beast has caught your scent and will follow you to hell unless stopped. Beware, Mr. Hutter, the very next person you see could be your...unmaker.
ORLOK enters. HE's wearing a maid's gown and is carrying a tray of tea cups.
ORLOK
Would anyone care for some tea?
BULWAR
Oh, yes please!
BULWAR, THOMAS, and ELLEN take a cup of tea.
ELLEN
Thomas, this is Helga, our new maid. I hired her to help me clean house before you came, and she's been so kind to me. (Breaking character, to ORLOK) He really has.
ORLOK
(Breaking character) You think I'm kind? No one has ever thought that of me before.
THOMAS
(breaking character, to ORLOK, sarcastically) Really? (in character) Helga, for that, I cannot thank you enough.
ORLOK
(In character) It was nothing. Sugar? Professor, would you like sugar?
BULWAR
Yes, thank you very much.
ORLOK bows and exits.
BULWAR
Mmm. This is excellent tea.
ELLEN
Professor?
BULWAR
Hmm?
ELLEN
What kind of monster is Count Orlok? Is he a polite one?
ORLOK enters with a sugar pot.
BULWAR
Mein Gott, nein! He is a cruel, vicious, mad beast that would sooner eat his own head than show an ounce of humanity.
ORLOK
One lump or two?
BULWAR
Two please. (to ELLEN) Count Orlok...is...a vampyre. [vam-PEER-uh]
ELLEN and THOMAS
A vampire?!
The actor BULWAR stays in character, but HE ad libs to get the actors THOMAS and ELLEN to pronounce the word correctly.
BULWAR
No, a vampyre.
THOMAS
Vampire?
ORLOK
Vampyre.
BULWAR
No, you're saying it wrong. Vam...
ELLEN and THOMAS
Vam...
ORLOK
Vampyre.
BULWAR
...Pyr-e.
ELLEN and THOMAS
...Pyr-e.
THOMAS
Vampire.
ORLOK
It's Vampyre, Thomas! Vampyre! Get it right for once!
Beat.
BULWAR
Very good pronunciation, Helga.
ORLOK
Thank you. Professor Bulwar.
ELLEN
We have to stop this vampyre. We have to stop him before he gets my Thomas. Professor Bulwar, you have to stop it!
BULWAR
That is exactly what I intend to do. Mr. Hutter and I have--
ORLOK
(to audience) Bah! Professor Bulwar could never destroy an immortal like me. Look at how foolish he acts. He thinks he has a big brain, but he only has a big, empty head! He talks much of demons, but he wouldn't know a creature of the night if it were staring him in the face.
ORLOK stands directly in front of BULWAR.
ORLOK
In the face!
BULWAR
(Breaking character, Southern Accent) Ahh! You spit in my eye! You crazy or something?!
ORLOK
Yes, I spit in your eye! With my power, I blind you from seeing my true form. Like a lazy lion, I play with my food before I eat it. Thomas escaped my claws, yes, but not for long. Until then, I will play with other food. I will play...(to ELLEN) with Ellen, beautiful Ellen. Sweet Ellen. Innocent Ellen. Perfect Ellen. No other actress but you could ever play her part.
ELLEN
Thank you, Count Orlok. I didn't know you felt that way about--
BULWAR
Director! Hey, Director! They're not stickin' to their lines. Isn't it your job to keep this whole thing from becoming a train wreck?
ORLOK
You dishonorable worm! You dare speak against me?! I will twist your neck till--
JAMIE (OS)
Orlok! Get back to the script! Don't make me come out there!
STAGEHANDS
Ooooooooooh!
ALL go back to their original blocking, even ORLOK.
BULWAR
(In character) That is exactly what I intend to do. Mr. Hutter and I have already searched the house the Count purchased, and we salted the Earth and said prayer. He will no longer be able to rest there.
ORLOK
(to HIMSELF) I really must consider converting to Judaism. (to ALL) Any more sugar? Professor Bulwar?
BULWAR
No thank you, Helga.
ELLEN
Isn't she so helpful? (to ORLOK) I'm glad I have you here to help me through this hard time. (Breaking character) I really am.
ELLEN holds ORLOK's hands, and ORLOK gets giddy like a school girl with a crush.
ORLOK
It's nothing at all. (stops giddiness and returns to act) It's nothing at all. I don't mind taking care of you, Mrs. Hutter. You're so kind and generous and beautiful...I mean rich. The pleasure is all mine.
ORLOK kisses ELLEN's hand and then exits.
THOMAS
What will we do next, Professor? Where else can we look for Count Orlok?
BULWAR
I shall go to the morgue. There are rumors of a plague spreading in Weisberg, but I suspect that some, if not all, of the victims of this "plague" are actually victims of a vampyre attack.
THOMAS
Vampire attacks?
ORLOK (OS)
Vampyre!
THOMAS
Thank you, Helga. Professor, shall I come with you?
BULWAR
You have no medical expertise, and I suspect your lovely wife would love to spend some time with you, so no.
ELLEN
Thank you, Professor.
BULWAR
Not at all. Now I am off to ascertain the exact whereabouts of this forsaken creature of ours who calls himself Count Orlok. God help me if I ever see the Count in person.
ORLOK enters with an umbrella in hand.
ORLOK
Mrs. Hutter, we're out of sugar. I have to go to the store for more.
THOMAS
Why the umbrella? It's not raining.
ORLOK
(to audience) I sunburn easily.
ELLEN
Take care, Helga, and remember to ask me to repay you whatever the sugar costs.
ORLOK
You're such a beautiful...employer. I shall return.
THOMAS
Goodbye, Helga.
BULWAR
Ladies first, Helga.
Beat.
ORLOK
Thank you, Professor Bulwar.
BULWAR holds the door open for ORLOK's exit.
BULWAR
I'm off to do God's work. Farewell.
THOMAS
Farwell, Professor.
ELLEN
Take care.
BULWAR exits.
THOMAS
Now that our guests are gone, let's go upstairs and enjoy our marital status immediately.
ELLEN
Thomas, can I ask you something?
THOMAS
I swear I was faithful to you the whole time I was gone.
ELLEN
No, not that.
THOMAS
Then what?
ELLEN
In your letter, you said you were having nightmares about Count Orlok. Nightmares about him chasing you down and feeding on you like a...like a leech.
THOMAS
Yes, that's true.
ELLEN
Well...I've been having those same dreams. I've seen him stand over my body and feed from me, too. Do you think he's already here? Do you think he's making me sick like he was you?
THOMAS
Ellen, my pretty, loyal wife. You're having my nightmares, because you love me so much. You think my pains are yours, and so you should suffer, too.
ELLEN
You think so?
THOMAS
I know so. Your love for me is so strong, I'd bet you'd sacrifice yourself to save me in a heartbeat.
ELLEN
You're right.
THOMAS
Luckily for you, house wives rarely have to rescue their husbands on a daily basis.
THEY laugh.
THOMAS
Let's go upstairs, before I have to ask twice.
ELLEN
I love you, Thomas.
THOMAS
And I, you too.
THEY exit.
END ACT 2, SCENE 1 (TAKE 2)
2.2 THE SCIENTIST PLAYS AT BEING A DOCTOR
The STAGEHANDS enter, and are now acting for the part of DOCTORS with lab coats and caps. THEY remove all the furniture, replacing it with a makeshift autopsy table. DOCTOR 2 lies down on the table, and DOCTOR 1 covers HIM with a sheet.
DOCTOR 2
I'm a doctor. Why do I have to be the corpse? Don't we have enough on hand?
DOCTOR 1
You can't cast a corpse as the corpse! You'd break the "aesthetic distance".
DOCTOR 2
What's that?
DOCTOR 1
How the hell should I know? Lie down and shut up.
DOCTOR 2 lies down and DOCTOR 1 exits the stage. BULWAR enters dressed in HIS own lab coat and cap, and the DOCTORS follow him in.
BULWAR
I understand how you might mistake this dead body as another casualty of the plague, but if we take a close look at the neck…
BULWAR reveals DOCTOR 2's face, who smiles at first, but quickly returns to playing dead.
BULWAR
These two puncture holes here and here suggest something more devious.
DOCTOR 1
Like what, Professor Bulwar?
BULWAR
A...vampyre!
ORLOK enters the stage dressed as a DOCTOR.
ORLOK
I apologize for being late, Professor Bulwar. My colleague and I...where is my colleague?
KNOCK (OS)
No, master! Please don't make me be so close to the Professor, killer of the unnatural!
ORLOK
He's not really Bulwar! And how dare you think I could not defend you against a weak foe like him! Come out here, now!
The timid KNOCK enters, keeping one eye on BULWAR the entire time.
ORLOK
We were out eating a little snack.
KNOCK
I had the earthworms.
ORLOK
Professor, what makes you think vampyres are real? Are they not stories to scare children with at night?
BULWAR
Nein. They are as real as I am to you. Vampyres are real.
ORLOK starts the laughter, and the DOCTORS join in immediately.
BULWAR
They are real!
DOCTORS laugh more.
ORLOK
Who are you to tell us what is real or not?
Organ music vamps under BULWAR.
BULWAR
Who am I? Who am I?! I'll tell you who I am. I am the famous, the magnificent, the uncontested savant of the unexplainable! I am Professor Bulwar!
CONQUESTS OF A HERO SO BRAVE
BULWAR
DEMONS, DEVILS, MONSTERS, HELLIONS,
I’VE MET THEM ALL
CROSSES, GARLIC, HOLY WATER
I’VE GOT THEM ALL
NOTHING THAT NEEDS TO KILL
ESCAPES ME, OR EVER WILL
DOCTORS
TELL US WHAT YOU CLAIM TO HAVE SEEN
FAIRY TALES OF HORRENDOUS SCENES
BULWAR
IN ENGLAND I CAUGHT OLD NESSIE
WE FOUGHT IN THE COLD, COLD SEA
THEN SHE RAN AWAY FROM MY SIGHT
I HAD NO PROOF OF OUR FINE FIGHT
ORLOK
(to audience) He thinks he’s wise, and adventurous, a gift from God and chivalrous, but evil knows evil and smells the meek, and he’ll be my dinner within a week.
DOCTORS
TELL US WHAT YOU CLAIM TO HAVE SEEN
FAIRY TALES OF HORRENDOUS SCENES
BULWAR
IN PRAGUE, I MET “THE WANDERING JEW”
HE WANTED TO STEAL MY SWEET YOUTH
BUT I KNEW TO STAY FAR AWAY
OR MY FATE WOULD END THAT SAME DAY
ORLOK
(to audience) Look at this man, he’s quite pathetic. His lies are white, but very poetic. He’ll soon realize just what I am, a demon of the night and truly damned.
DOCTORS
TELL US WHAT YOU CLAIM TO HAVE SEEN
FAIRY TALES OF HORRENDOUS SCENES
BULWAR
IN RUSSIA, I HEARD FRIGHTNING HOWLS
WHITE WEREWOLVES, TAUNTING ME WITH GROWLS
LUCKILY, I WEAR SILVER RINGS
ON ALL MY FOREIGN OUTGOINGS
ORLOK
(to audience) And—
KNOCK
(to audience) He’s old and fat, and smells like a rat—
ORLOK
Knock!!
KNOCK
(to audience) And to my great master, he’s nothing more than that.
ORLOK
True.
KNOCK
(to audience) This man Bulwar’s a fool and quite smelly.
ORLOK
I agree.
KNOCK
(to audience) His ego is as big as his pig-belly.
BULWAR
(Breaking character, Southern accent) Hey! I'm not fat, I'm big boned, man!
ORLOK and KNOCK laugh.
DOCTORS
TELL US WHAT YOU CLAIM TO HAVE SEEN
FAIRY TALES OF HORRENDOUS SCENES
BULWAR
NOTHING THAT NEEDS TO KILL
ESCAPES ME, OR EVER WILL.
Organ music ends.
ORLOK
And what of vampyres? How many have you seen of them?
BULWAR
Vampyres? None…so far.
DOCTORS laugh and start to exit.
BULWAR
But I know that they exist and how to kill one! I charge you all, men of science, to follow my lead and stand against this onslaught from hell—
As BULWAR is running back and forth from DOCTOR to DOCTOR, KNOCK trips BULWAR. The DOCTORS laugh.
ORLOK
Let us leave this madman, before we catch his lunacy.
KNOCK
Yes, let’s leave him here! He’s a moron and an idiot to think he can defeat my master, Count
Drac...Corlok!
ORLOK
(Breaking character) What'd you say?!
ORLOK slaps KNOCK over the head.
ORLOK
(In character, to BULWAR) We leave you to your craziness.
ORLOK and KNOCK exit.
KNOCK (OS)
I’m sorry master! Please, don’t punish me again!
ORLOK (OS)
Get back here! I’m not running after you!
BULWAR
If no one will believe me, I’ll have to save all of Weisberg on my own.
BULWAR exits.
BULWAR (OS)
(Breaking character, Southern accent) Where the hell are you Knock? I'm gonna ka-knock [kuh-NAHK] you into the next world when I get my hands on you!
END ACT 2, SCENE 2
2.3 THE PRINCESS SACRIFICES HER TEMPLE
The STAGEHANDS remove the autopsy table and replace it with the exact same scenery as the Harding’s Guest Room, except for a few more pillows and a bigger cover.
DOCTOR 2
Can I get up now?
DOCTOR 1
Move it, you lazy bag of bones.
DOCTOR 1 pushes the autopsy table DOCTOR 2 is lying on offstage.
DOCTOR 2
Wheeeee—
SFX: Crashing of an autopsy table into a table full of props.
JAMIE (OS)
What was that?
Beat.
DOCTOR 1 (OS) and DOCTOR 2 (OS)
Nothing!
JAMIE (OS)
It better be!
The HUTTER’s bedroom. ELLEN is in HER nightgown again, asleep and laying under the covers in the bed. SHE looks pale, perhaps a little drained.
ELLEN coughs HERSELF awake. THOMAS and BULWAR enter the room. BULWAR inspects ELLEN.
THOMAS
Are you alright? Do you feel any better?
ELLEN
I feel wonderful, Thomas. Don’t fuss over me.
ELLEN coughs.
BULWAR
Yes, that’s my job. Ellen, as your doctor, I am hereby confining you to your bed until further notice.
THOMAS
Oh, no! Is it that serious, Professor?
BULWAR
I’m afraid it is, Mr. Hutter. Your wife is suffering from the same sickness I found you with in Transylvania.
THOMAS
Can you cure her as you did me?
BULWAR
No. You healed because of my medicine, but you stopped being sick, because the...vampyre... released his psychic hold on you. I never knew why until now.
THOMAS
No! Not my Ellen! What would I do without her? Who would take care of me? Love me? Cook for me?
ELLEN
I can still do those things for you now, Thomas. Let me get out of bed and—
BULWAR
Mrs. Hutter, bed rest! I won’t tell you again.
THOMAS
(to BULWAR) What can we do?
BULWAR
The only thing we can. We…will hunt…Count…Orlok!
SFX: Thunder sheet, followed by three ominous organ stabs.
THOMAS
Do you know where he is?
Count Orlok: The Bloody Truth about the Greatest Vampire to Ever Un-Live Page 4