“Nate,” she managed, pulling his hand to her lips and kissing the back of it. When he didn’t stop her, she kissed him again, letting her lips linger for longer this time. She kissed up to the tip of one of his fingers, sliding it into her mouth and running her tongue along the length of it. He shuddered, his head rolling back and his eyes slipping shut. She couldn’t undo the damage she had done, couldn’t backpedal her mistakes, but she could do this. She could make him feel better. She could make them both feel better, giving them the thing they had been dancing around ever since he had come back home.
“Athena,” he croaked, starting to say something she feared they might both regret.
“Shh,” she answered, stopping his lips with one finger. She kissed his hand again, then stood, never allowing her eyes to stray from his face, never breaking eye contact. The only time she let her eyes leave his was when she pulled her shirt up over her head. She made sure to find his gaze again while unfastening the clasp at the front of her bra.
“Shit, Athena, I need you so badly. Do you know how much I need you?”
He reached for her, his hands rough and desperate. When they found her breasts, it was her turn to throw her head back. She shut her eyes and moaned, arching her back and pushing her breasts more completely into his hands. She wanted to scream at him to move faster, to unzip her jeans and take her before she lost her mind. She needed to feel him on top of her, inside of her. She wanted to forget everything that wasn't their two bodies coming together.
“Please, Nate,” she moaned, moving one of his hands down to her zipper, guiding him to what she wanted, “please, I can’t. I can’t wait any longer.”
That was the only thing he needed to hear, and he moved so quickly it was enough to make her head spin. In one fluid motion, he had her on her back on the bed, her hips moving helplessly as he slid her jeans slowly down the length of her legs. It was a good thing there was nobody else at home because when he slid his finger inside of her, she actually screamed. She was hit by a wave of pleasure so intense her body jerked helplessly, on the verge of orgasm before he had done more than touch her.
“Is this it?” he asked, his eyes so intense it was almost frightening as he looked down upon her, “Is this what you want?”
“Yes,” she sighed, “please, yes. I want to feel you, Nate. I want to feel you inside of me.”
She heard the small, distinct sound of a zipper coming down, and then he was pushing himself up against her, pushing inside of her. Her hands moved up to his back, gripping him so tightly she was sure she would draw blood. She hooked her legs around his ankles, her hips bucking wildly. She wanted more. She wanted to have all of him.
Her hips rose and fell in time with his, the both of them floating on a wave of pleasure. When she felt her toes begin to tingle, the distinct sensation moving rapidly up the length of her, she knew what was coming and welcomed it. It hit her all at once, and when she came, she cried out with an intensity she'd never felt before. He shuddered on top of her, moaning before rolling to one side and pulling her in closer.
“I’ve wanted you, Athena,” he said quietly, “do you know how badly I’ve wanted you?”
“I’ve wanted you too,” she whispered.
It was true. She had wanted him, and she wanted him still. But not like this. Now that it was over, the anticipation of the act itself satisfied, she understood that she had made a mistake in trying to solve things with sex. There had been a window open between the two of them, a window of vulnerability that was now closed. What Nate had actually needed was to have a conversation. It was what they had both needed. They might be physically satisfied now, but the part that really mattered was more in the wind than ever. She just hoped that she would be able to open that window again before it was closed for good.
Because, despite the different directions their lives were going, she was starting to see something real between the two of them. It might only be in her imagination, but she couldn’t deny it any longer. She wasn’t sure she wanted to.
14
Athena tossed her phone from one hand to the other nervously. She’d been playing with it for a good ten minutes, but when it came to having the confidence to make her call, she was no closer now than she had been at the start. If anything, she felt even less certain. She was talking herself in circles, and it was driving her nuts.
"You're acting insane," she hissed to herself, "after last night, you're afraid even to give him a call? This is ridiculous."
She shook her head quickly, hell-bent on getting this done once and for all. If she could have sex with Nate, she shouldn't have any trouble ringing him up. Whatever was going on between her and Nate, she didn't think he was the kind of man to use her for sex and toss her aside. True, they were in very different territory than when they were kids, but she trusted her gut feeling on the man he was now well enough to be reasonably sure of that. She held her phone steady, clicked on his number, and tried to ignore the way her hand trembled as she lifted the device to her ear.
“Hey there, sugar,” he answered after only the first ring, “I was wondering how long it was going to take you to call.”
“Oh, is that right?” she said with nervous laughter, resting her head back on the couch and wincing up at the ceiling.
“Kind of,” he laughed back, “except maybe the other way around. I may have considered picking up the phone myself a time or two.”
“That’s more like it,” she smiled, hating how giddy their banter made her feel but unable to stop it.
“So, what’s happening, honey?” he asked, “To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?”
“I was just wondering what you’re up to today,” she said, a little more breathlessly than she would have liked but hoping she still sounded reasonably nonchalant.
“Today?” he mused, playing with the silence coming from her end of the line, “What do I have going on today. That’s a good question, Athena. Don't think anyone’s asked me that yet. You’re the first one to get to me this fine, sunny afternoon.”
“I’m honored,” she said dryly, rolling her eyes at the unseeing ceiling.
“What’d you have in mind, anyhow? You know, seeing as how I haven’t filled up my dance card quite yet.”
“I was thinking that the two of us could go on a ride together,” Athena said, all at once feeling shy again and hating herself a little for it, “I... I think it might be good for us. For our relationship.”
This comment was met with a moment of silence that seemed to stretch on forever. Athena would happily have sunk into the earth and disappeared. She had no idea what had made her reference their relationship. What relationship? Even now, they hadn’t discussed what they were doing together, which was probably exactly how he liked it. If she really wanted to spend some time with him, which she did, did she really think talking about their “relationship” was the way to go about it? She might as well hang up the phone right now and save herself some trouble.
"I think that sounds good," Nate finally answered. She could hear the smile in his voice and wondered if he might be silently laughing at her. At the moment, she found she didn't care. She was too pleased by both his response and the fact that silence was over.
“Oh! Okay, great! I’ll meet you at the ridge then, okay?”
“Excellent,” he laughed, “I’ll be there. And Athena?”
“Yes?” she asked breathlessly, her entire body tingling with both excitement over seeing him and the relief of having the conversation over with.
“I think this is good,” he said in a soft voice, “an olive branch. Everybody loves an olive branch, you know?”
Before she could think of a response, the other line went dead. She stared at her phone for a moment, trying to figure out what exactly was meant by an olive branch and who was supposed to be loving hers. In the end, she was too pleased to be spending time with Nate to worry about it for long. She threw the phone down and hurried to her room to ready herself for the ride.
<
br /> * * *
“Will you look at this?” Nate crowed with self-satisfaction, “I beat you to your own date! That’s got to earn me some kind of brownie points, right?”
“Um, sure,” Athena answered hesitantly, trying to make what she was looking at make sense, “what exactly is this, Nate?”
“What do you mean?” he asked, frowning slightly as he glanced around, “What’s what?”
Athena couldn’t think of a way to ask him why he’d brought along a crowd without… well… drawing the attention of said crowd. Throughout her time doing the stupid reality show with Ian, she had begun to grow marginally used to having a camera crew around. She would never enjoy it, never get to the point where she craved that kind of attention, but it no longer struck her as something that belonged in another universe.
Seeing the crew standing around behind Nate now, however, made her feel like she was going to be sick right there at his feet. The worst part of it was, he didn't seem to have the first clue about what might be bothering her. One of his eyebrows was raised in confusion, and he went so far as to glance at the cameraman closest to him, silently asking if he knew what was wrong. The guy shrugged as if to say that they were all in agreement that Athena was acting like a crazy person.
Because apparently it was crazy for her to think that a date between her and Nate would take place with just her and Nate. She’d thought they’d taken a step forward with their relationship—that they were both actually interested in trying out being together. She was still annoyed that he’d signed her up for that competition without discussing it with her, but she’d been willing to see it as a sign that he cared about her, that he wanted her to succeed.
Now, the whole thing looked darker and more selfish to her. Maybe signing her up for the competition had never been about helping her at all—maybe he’d just been putting on a show, letting the world see what a great boyfriend he was, so he could nail that sponsorship deal before he left this town—and her—in the dust.
“Hey, honey, everything okay? You’ve got a sort of a look on your face…” Nate said uncertainly.
He shoved his hands deep down in the pockets of his jeans and actually took a step backward, moving closer to the camera crew than to her. She wanted to flinch at the added piece of evidence that this was all about the publicity for him… but instead, she forced herself to laugh, striving to be just as nonchalant as he was trying to look, then she took a large step forward, closing the gap and running her hands suggestively along his chest. She made sure not to break eye contact with him, daring him to stop her. He managed to keep his cool until she got to the buckle of his belt.
“Whoa!” he chuckled nervously, “Whatcha doing there, sweetheart?”
“What do you mean?” she asked coyly, “What does it look like I’m doing? We’re having some couples time, right?”
"Sure, we're doing that, but I thought we were going for a ride. Don't you think this might be a little bit much? Gotta buy me dinner first and all that," he said with a laugh. It sounded genuine enough, but there was another one of those backward glances at the cameramen that told her exactly what he was worried about.
“What’s the matter, Nate?” she asked, feeling her smile grow hard, “I thought you liked being the center of attention. I thought that was sort of your thing, with your big, shiny, empty life. I mean, it’s all for show, right? There’s not anything about you that’s real. Too bad your fans don’t know that about you. Too bad they don’t know how stupid they are, letting you play them the way you do. You must go home and laugh. You must laugh all the way to the bank.”
“Hey now,” he said, his own smile faltering noticeably.
“Oops,” she shot back, “was that too far? Not something to say in front of the cameras? Don’t worry, babe, I’m sure they can edit it out. That’s the way this whole thing works, isn’t it? The perfect ‘relationship;’ one you get carte blanche to edit. God forbid you have anything in your life that hasn’t been approved by sponsors.”
“Okay, sugar, how’s about you and I have a private talk by my truck?”
Before Athena had the chance to answer, Nate took her by the upper arm and started walking her towards the truck parked beside her car. He didn’t let go of her until they were well out of earshot of the camera crew. When he finally moved his hand, she looked reluctantly up into his face. She winced when she saw his expression. It didn’t take a genius to see that he was absolutely furious.
“Hey, Athena, any chance you want to tell me what’s going on here?” he whispered, his voice hoarse and cracking on the last word. How dare he sound so sincere when he was the one using her to boost his publicity? She looked defiantly into his face, swallowing down the part of her that wanted to make something work between them: something real. There was nothing real about him at all—certainly not when it came to his feelings for her.
“Do I want to tell you what’s going on?” she asked incredulously, “How about the other way around?”
“What are you talking about, Athena? You’re the one who said you wanted to meet.”
“Right, I said I wanted us to meet. Like, you and me. When I mentioned our relationship, I was talking about whatever is going on with us behind the scenes. Not putting on a show for the cameras. But that’s all you know how to do, isn’t it?”
“So that’s what that was about back there?” he asked quietly. It looked like his body was physically deflating, hearing what she had to say, and part of her wanted to soften. There was a bigger part of her, though, that just couldn’t let herself do it. Not now. Not when she was still hurting from being used as a prop instead of a partner.
“I don’t know what you’re upset about,” she snapped, putting her hands on her hips, “I’m giving the audience what they want, right? I’m giving you guys a good show. That’s the idea, isn’t it?”
"You know what?" he shot back, running his hand angrily through his hair, "I don't see that you've got the right to be this pissed. It was a misunderstanding, I'll own that, and I'm sorry. But you're acting like all of this is just happening to you."
“Excuse me?” she hissed, struggling to speak around the feeling of her heart in her throat.
“You heard me, Athena. You’re acting like a victim in all of this but let’s say it how it is. I’ve tried to hand you everything you wanted on a silver platter. The attention, the competition you turned down. These are the things that would get you the career you’ve always said you wanted. And now you want to throw them back in my face? Is it really because I crossed some imaginary line… or are you just looking for an excuse?”
“An excuse for what?”
“For the fact that you don’t actually want to leave,” he shot back bluntly. “For the way you’re scared to try and fail, so you hide in this little town where you never have to take any risks, never have to push yourself too hard. Where you can be a hero to a bunch of little girls who don’t know what a coward you are. All you want to do is hide behind the poor, messed up chick routine.”
“Excuse me?” Athena asked, her face hot with emotion, “Poor messed up chick? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Hey,” Nate said with a hard laugh, “if you want to hide behind Mommy’s drinking problems for the rest of your life, that’s on you. Who knows, maybe someday you’ll have one of your own. Then you’ll really have an excuse for doing nothing with your life.”
Athena stared at Nate, momentarily dumbstruck. If he had hauled off and hit her in the face, it would have hurt less. The moment she had seen the cameramen, she had known she was going to say something. Now, she more than regretted it. She felt numb, hollowed out. Because now that both of them had said their piece, she remembered the one thing you should never forget when it came to other people.
There were some things that, once said, simply couldn’t be taken back again. You could hurt a person so deeply that they might get past it, but they would never forget it. The way they had just spoken to each other, she knew that
’s what they had done.
He seemed to realize he’d gone too far. Regret was written all over his face and he reached out to touch her—but she backed away. There was no point in listening to his apology. This was the kind of fight that would test strong, stable relationships. But what they had? There was no chance it could survive after this.
“Why don’t you just go ahead and go?” she choked out, moving towards her car like her life depended on it, “Go away from here, away from this town. Nobody wants you here anyway. Do you know that? Nobody wants you here, least of all me.”
15
“Honey, are you okay over there? Because I don’t think I’ve seen you go through the oatmeal raisin cookies this way since you came home early from prom.”
“Gee, thanks, Mom. I’m super thrilled for the reminder of yet another rough patch in my personal history with the opposite sex.”
Athena took another bite of her cookie and settled her chin into the palm of her hand. She made a point of looking out the window instead of at her mom. It had been almost a week since she had seen Nate. Almost a week since their brutal confrontation and she still felt absolutely sick to her stomach every time she so much as thought of how things had ended. The last thing she needed was for her mom to get a good idea of what was going on inside of her head. She wouldn’t stop pestering Athena with questions until she got the whole story—and Nate and the looming competition were the last things Athena wanted to talk about.
“I’m just saying,” her mom answered, pulling the drapes shut with one decisive motion that made Athena’s skin crawl, “I know what those cookies mean.”
“Do you?” Athena laughed tiredly. “That would be a first. You said it yourself—the last time I acted this way was back in high school, before you got around to noticing anyone’s pain but your own.”
Athena winced and slapped her forehead with the palm of her hand. It was like she had lost whatever part of her brain that was responsible for monitoring the things that came out of her mouth. She hadn’t meant to say that. It wasn’t the time nor the place to open up old wounds with her mother. Their relationship had really blossomed over the last few years, and she felt they were truly close now… but none of that could change the fact that when Athena was growing up, her mother had tried to manage her severe depression by abusing alcohol and other drugs. When she was under the influence, she used to say terrible things to Athena, about how she’d never amount to anything, that she was destined to be nothing more than a failure.
The Cowboy’s Rodeo Rival: Grant Brothers Series Book Three Page 10