Talk to Me

by Allison DuBois

  I don’t know if you’ve thought about it that way before, but it’s what I see time and time again. An example of why the money energy becomes important to the grieving can be seen frequently in grown children who lose a parent. They find themselves depressed and missing their loved one, then they inherit and are afforded the option to pay someone else to do what they don’t have the energy to do. They can afford to eat out, hire a babysitter to help with their kids, etc., and this is a way that the grieving still feel taken care of by the deceased.

  Fathers are often bread-winners and mothers often cook for us because they’re born nurturers; both soothe us in various ways when we’re in pain. Both take care of us in life and again in death. I think this is why there are so many misunderstandings in families as they engage in a tug-o-war over cars, bank accounts and stuff. It’s important for everyone to try to be fair and considerate when faced with a situation like this, and not succumb to bad behaviour.

  Do what you know the deceased would want; and if they didn’t live life quite right and if you’re in a position to right their wrongs with the living, then do so. The deceased don’t hold grudges, so it’s not true when the living say, ‘Well, she was mad at her daughter when she died, so she wouldn’t want her to have anything.’ People see their mistakes when they die, and making their loved ones’ lives easier—even if it’s just a ring with no monetary value, but much sentimental value—can mean all the difference to those left behind. So troublemakers need to step aside and let positive energy surround family and friends, not anger or self-entitlement.

  Also, no living person should ever make a judgement of another person as though the statement comes from the deceased. It’s not healthy. For a positive example, you could say, ‘My brother would want his daughter to have his ring. He wasn’t close to her in life, but he’d want her to know she mattered to him.’ Avoid saying negative things like, ‘My brother wasn’t close to his daughter, so he wouldn’t want her invited to the funeral, and certainly would want her to have nothing!’ Can you see the difference between the two statements? One is constructive and one is destructive. We all know people who would say either statement. I, for one, would rather be constructive at such a delicate time. A death isn’t a green light for a family free-for-all to unleash every resentment built up over the last 50 years within the family. It’s a time to remember what family should be and inspire us to live better, because you never know when the next funeral will be your own. How do you want to be remembered?

  Grown children sometimes feel more entitled to their parents’ nest egg because their sibling was the favourite and had more time with Mum and Dad. So there is often the temptation to take more than their fair share, thinking that they deserve it to replace the love they felt they missed out on. I’m not saying it’s right; I’m just trying to illustrate some of the thought processes involved with loss.

  If there was a favoured child, they usually don’t care about the money as much because they had most of the attention from their parents and walked through life feeling very loved. Many of these people have been my clients, so I’ve seen it firsthand. They are more concerned with contacting their beloved parent than just about anything else in the world. I’m honoured to be able to energetically reconnect them.

  I’m not faulting either situation; I’m just sharing what I’ve observed professionally and personally. Some people get everything the deceased owned and still feel like they didn’t get enough from them, because they are emotional bottomless pits. Others get a photograph that they adored of the deceased and are grateful for having been graced by them. I’m sure you can figure out why these two scenarios are so different and see clearly that it has nothing to do with the money.

  I’ve noticed that when people lose someone, whether it is to death or change of heart, they tend to be ‘gun shy’ of loving again. They develop abandonment issues and often push others around them away. This is understandable to anyone with a pulse. It’s interesting, though, that as human beings when we’re hurt it’s a natural response to put our guard up to self-preserve, rather than to draw our other loved ones closer to us.

  I experienced this when my dad died. A part of me died with him, so I became, as I saw myself, ‘unseen and untouchable’, like my dad was in spirit. While I was mourning I wasn’t always able to be there for our kids. I was depressed and I really don’t know where the months went. I still have trouble remembering the year my dad died. After some of the pain subsided, I saw what I was doing: not being present for my girls. Now I’m there too much, revelling in every aspect of their lives! But don’t be too hard on yourself while in mourning; we’re human and only capable of processing so much.

  If you’ve experienced putting up your personal emotional fortress, remember this: LIFE doesn’t stand for ‘Live In Fear Everyday’. I encourage you to write down the word ‘life’, and try to define what it means to you. Because, as we all know, LIFE means something different to everyone.

  PROCESSING STRESS

  I, like most people, have a life that is full of challenges. Some are more difficult than others but all can take a physical toll on us. I write this as I sit on a plane to Buffalo, New York, surrounded by people who at one time or another have been wounded through the loss of a loved one, divorce or personal failure as they see it. I am no exception. I’ve lost people whom I love, and I have had moments where my back’s against the wall, just like we all have. It’s a necessary part of this party called life, and it’s really how we all learn to persevere. It’s the elements that contribute to making our days memorable that we all want and continue to desire, so it’s vital to our wellbeing to pursue people and places that elevate us inside.

  When I read people, I often have to remind them to breathe. I know it sounds strange, but as people go through trials and tribulations in life, and as we age, we seem to take shallow little breaths and ‘white knuckle’ it through our days. This is not healthy, and sometimes we need to be reminded to rejoin the living.

  As many of you know from my third book, Secrets of the Monarch, my getaway place is Pinetop, Arizona. I believe everyone should have a place that gives them peace of mind when they’re there, that feels like home. At least, everybody needs a place like that. In case you haven’t heard, stress will kill you! Even if it’s just your local park on a Sunday, go somewhere to centre yourself. If you haven’t found a sanctuary, search one out. It will extend your life and provide you with a lifetime of good memories. It can even be a multi-generational sanctuary. Our girls have been going up to Pinetop for many years now, and they love it almost as much as Joe and I do. Why wouldn’t they?

  I also find chakra-infused candles in all sorts of vibrant colours very therapeutic after a long day of readings. Lavender oil in your bath or some epsom salts can be lifesavers after a stressful day. I find water incredibly healing, whether it’s laps in a swimming pool, or taking a shower and visualising your problems washing off you and going down the drain. These are some of the simple things that I do to soothe my soul.

  While sitting with Joe talking about what renews me and keeps me going, I decided to write this chapter and do a little research of my own. Bear with me, this is a first for me. I’m attempting to lead by example in unfamiliar territory. I went on a mission to find methods to balance my stressful life through various activities. Some were more challenging than others, but it was all done in the name of helping others to let go of their daily baggage. I wanted to be creative, and most of us have stress to release, don’t we?

  Joe has been trying to get me to play golf for years, and the answer from me was always ‘NO’. You see, when I was a teenager my mum was very creative with grounding me, and she’d take me to a golf putting course to practise while she and my stepdad were at the driving range. Good one, Mum! (Don’t get mad. I love you, Mum.) I had always equated golf with punishment—and so I decided that golf would be the best place for me to start. To tackle something from my past that was a negative and turn it into a
positive had to be a good place to begin trying to balance the scales of life!

  I was up for the personal challenge to turn around a negative in my life and make it work for me. Let the games begin!

  I must say, I severely underestimated the stamina and strength that is required to play this seemingly laidback sport. My body quickly let me know how out of shape I was. Believe me, you can be thin and still out of shape!

  I signed up for lessons with Jack at our club. He and his wife, Sid, are worthy of a mention. They’re first-rate people, and I like to acknowledge nice people.

  I saw some of the women whom Jack had taught to play golf, so I had hope that I wasn’t beyond help. They were 40 years my senior, so my pride was on the line here. I purchased my own set of golf clubs and the cute golf clothes, etc., and I also bought some pink golf balls for breast cancer awareness, knowing they would give me strength, too, through female camaraderie as well as all the heroes the golf balls represented who endured their battle with cancer. I looked the part; so now it was time to put all that gear to use.

  My daughter Sophia, who can fit in your pocket, picked up my driver and decided she liked the ‘big girl’s’ club better than the kids’ version. My driver was almost as tall as she was, which made it even more adorable. What a sight it was to see her swing it like it was nothing. I know it’s something, since I had pulled many muscles in my hand with the same motion she so effortlessly showcased for me.

  Anyway, I signed up for a game called ‘Nine and Wine’, which is basically nine holes of golf and, if you can still stand at the end, drinking wine to deaden the pain in your body. We also have a game called ‘Chicks with Sticks’. I was grouped with Sid, her daughter Marie, and Caroline. I was awful, but they didn’t care. We laughed, connected, and I sunk two balls. I’m told that was good, but I’m pretty sure they were just being nice. Most importantly, I finished the course and conquered my past with golf.

  Now it’s become a therapeutic outlet for me. You’re with fun people, you get to whack a ball as hard as you want and find common ground with other people who are trying to release some tension. I’m not good, but I’ll learn.

  So take a chance and try something new. If you have a high-stress job or just want a common hobby with your mate, take a lesson. There are public courses that are open to everyone, and you can rent your clubs there. If you are competitive like me, you’ll love it and hate it at the same time. It’s a challenge. So golf gets a big thumbs-up from me! It’s good exercise, it lowers your stress levels and it gives you an opportunity to connect with others in a light-hearted manner. What’s not to like?

  My daughters all play, and one day maybe the grandkids will, too. A lot of kids participate in a sport that, as they age, will fall by the wayside because they physically can’t do it anymore, or their friends can’t. Golf is a sport that can help a young person get a full scholarship to the university of their choice. It’s a sport that they can do with their friends throughout their life. You can teach it to your kids, grandkids, etc., and play it with them.

  If you already play golf, then you know the benefits of it, too. I’ve also noticed that going back to nature has a way of calming your soul and soothing your nerves. By the way, golf really keeps you in shape; those ladies 40 years my senior still have amazing figures. Sign me up for that!

  When you live in a big city, you can easily fall into the ‘concrete jungle’ trap. Make sure you have plants and bright f lowers around you to act as a sort of escape from reality. It’s part of the reason why many women are so thrilled to receive f lowers; it elevates their soul to reconnect with the fragrance and the lively colours sitting before them. There’s something about nurturing a living thing, whether it be a plant or a pet, that raises your spirits. I listen to country songs that talk about ‘watching the grass grow’ with the one you love, and I couldn’t imagine having the time to do that. Then I figured out it wasn’t that they had the time, but they made the time, realising what really matters in life.

  I have my own version: I sit with Joe and watch the pine trees sway, and we stare at the grey squirrels with their blown-up tails as they hop from branch to branch just above our patio. If you make time to take inventory of your life and prioritise according to what is important, you’ll have nothing to regret. I’ve been guilty of getting caught up in the rat race that we all endure professionally, but thankfully my kids keep me in check in my personal life.

  I have two excellent friends named Amy and Traci who own some ‘Massage Envy’ clinics in Arizona. They always look relaxed and refreshed, so I thought checking out a massage would be a good method to find balance within me. Joe and I booked appointments together, and it couldn’t have been on a better day. Anyone with children will understand that kids can not only ride your nerves, they can instantly turn your hair grey. We love them; they’re just challenging at times. The day of our appointments our girls were in rare form. We had gone shopping for back-to-school supplies, and the girls fought about every little thing. I thought my head was going to explode.

  We returned home and Joe and I left for our appointments. No, actually, we ran to our appointments, hoping to extract our weary selves from girl-drama. My masseuse was a very nice lady named Jodi, who towered around 6 feet tall. I knew I needed someone who was strong, because I f ly on planes a lot and sleep in many uncomfortable hotel beds when I’m on the road working. I found out the hard way that this is not great on the back and shoulders. I don’t think people realise the toll that life in general takes on our bodies. I had many knots in my back and, boy, did Jodi go to town on them! She explained to me that the burning sensation I felt when she worked on my muscles was blood moving back into places it hadn’t been to in very a long time.

  Stress and tension really do manifest physically, and it’s important to love yourself enough to find ways to rid yourself of as many difficulties in your life as possible. I’m working on this, too, because it’s very easy to get caught up in trying to fix endless problems, and it’s so necessary to take a step back. When my massage was over, I felt beyond relaxed. I felt like I was in a better version of my body, and I couldn’t believe the difference it made.

  I had got so used to the pain from daily wear-and-tear on my body, I just learned to live with it. I didn’t realise it was making me cranky and tense. After the massage I didn’t feel that way anymore. I felt relaxed, happy, renewed and a believer in the positive benefits of massage. It helps with your blood circulation, it helps your muscles stay f lexible, and it brings down your stress level—I highly recommend it.

  Needless to say, Joe and I left in very good moods, laughing and feeling sensational. And, hey, it worked for Frank Sinatra, who got a daily massage for all those years. He lived a long time and he looked incredible! I will definitely have to get a massage more often.

  Joe has also tried ‘hot yoga’ and he really liked the way it broke down the toxins in his body, although he did think it almost killed him. We know people who love this form of relaxation so, if you’re brave, it’s another type of exercise to help you to focus and connect with the energy around you.

  MAKING CONNECTIONS

  Being relaxed and in a healthy state of mind is especially important when it comes to using your abilities. If you’re distracted by kids and work, or obsessing over your past, you’re not going to get clear information. When I prepare for a reading, I always light a white candle and focus on the glow of the candle. I also do some deep-breathing exercises that help put me in a clear, focused frame of mind, and it elevates my energy to connect with spirit.

  I find visualising a bright light growing inside of me, and then extending outside of me, seems to act as a sort of beacon to the other side that I have strong, open energy waiting to connect with them. You can’t be distracted, so you want to be in a quiet place while concentrating on connecting. If you want the opposite effect and you want to block the other side, then playing music can help you achieve that goal. When you desire quiet from the ot
her side, any amount of noise will shut down spiritual communication.

  To further open up, tell someone related to you who’s on the other side to work with you on recognising signs. This would involve them giving you signs to interpret for practice, beginning a clear relationship with the deceased so you can move forward on the same energetic page. It’s like allowing them to hold your hand and plug into your energy, just as you’ve now plugged into theirs. You can also educate yourself by using pictures of the deceased as a tool to connect with the person in the picture. Often, a physical image will conjure up a stronger sense within you, opening a door in your mind where you start feeling what their personality is, and begin to have pictures f lash through your mind from that person’s life experiences.

  A photograph will also make the deceased feel a connection or ‘way in’ to the person gazing at their image. This puts you on the same energetic page as the deceased because both the deceased and the person looking at their image are focused on each other in that moment. Write down any impressions you get while looking at the photograph; it helps to bring focus when learning how to ‘read’ people and energies.

  Some mediums use objects that belonged to the deceased, and this practice is called ‘psychometry’. Sometimes objects that carry the energy of the deceased can make it easier to ‘dial in’ to the entity that you wish to communicate with, due to the fact that it mattered to the deceased in both life and death. Usually, because the object connected them to somebody they love and was symbolic of their relationship, this can often be ‘felt’ when you hold the artefact.