Never Christmas Without You

by Nana Malone

  “No.” Dash seemed offended by the insinuation.

  “Then what is it?” The sound of her heartbeat filled her ears. “Because you’re obviously pissed with me.”

  “I thought we were going to be straight with each other. That I could trust you.”

  “You can.” Why would he suddenly think he couldn’t trust her? “I’ve told you everything.”

  “The truth?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “About everything?” His gaze narrowed.

  Mikayla’s pulse raced.

  Does he know?

  “Everything I told you is true.”

  Dash stepped closer, clutching a photocopied document. “Then explain this.”

  Mikayla’s heart crumbled. She didn’t need to investigate the document closely to know exactly what it was.

  Jess’s death certificate.

  He knows.

  Her jaw trembled and her eyes flooded with tears. The pain of that night—the night Jess died—bloomed fresh in her chest and twisted her gut. “I can explain.”

  “You lied to me.”

  “I didn’t lie. I told you Jess died in a car crash, and she did.”

  “Only the crash wasn’t an accident, was it?”

  Her legs swayed slightly beneath her weight. She shivered as a sudden chill shot down her spine.

  Mikayla squeezed her eyes shut, trying to flush the images from her brain that still crept in, haunting her dreams.

  Jess’s car wrapped around a tree. Her dark hair tangled and matted with blood.

  “Why didn’t you tell me Jess took her own life? That she nearly killed you and Maddie, too?” His voice vibrated with anger.

  “It was a desperate act she’d never have resorted to if she’d been well.” Mikayla wiped away the hot tears that streamed down her cheeks. “She struggled with postpartum depression.”

  “Maddie was two when Jess died.”

  “Jess wasn’t compliant with her treatment and, untreated, it can last for years.”

  “So why put on this ruse, making it seem like she was the victim of some random event?”

  “It’s been three decades and you still can’t forgive your father for leaving. If anyone should understand, it’s you.”

  Dash’s shoulders tensed. He shoved his hands into his pockets without response.

  “Can you imagine how Maddie would feel if she knew? She’d be devastated. You saw the way she reacted with you.”

  “You wanted to protect her. I get it.” Dash’s tone softened. “She’s too young to hear this now, but at some point she deserves to know what happened that night.”

  “She knows Jess loved her and that she’s gone. That’s all she needs to know.”

  “You’re going to lie to Maddie her entire life?”

  “I’ll tell her when she’s old enough to understand that Jess was sick. That she isn’t to blame for what her mother did.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me the truth? I have a right to know about anything that involves my daughter.”

  She should’ve trusted him, but she’d been unwilling to risk Maddie overhearing the grown-ups talking.

  “From now on, we have to be straight with each other about everything.” He gestured emphatically. “That’s the only way this works. That’s the only way we work. Okay?”

  Mikayla sank her teeth into her lower lip and nodded. They’d called a truce.

  So why won’t the tears stop?

  Because she couldn’t stop thinking about how she’d failed both Maddie and Jess. She should’ve tried harder to save Jess from herself.

  Instead she’d been selfish. Weary from running her business, trying to manage Jess’s illness and caring for a toddler, she’d considered returning to her old job in San Diego.

  That night they’d gone out to eat. On the way home they’d argued about Mikayla considering the offer, and Jess had rammed the car into a tree with all three of them inside.

  Suddenly her knees and hips ached. Physical reminders of that night.

  She hadn’t realized she was sobbing until Dash pulled her into his arms.

  “It’s okay,” he whispered into her hair. “It wasn’t your fault. You did everything you could and nearly paid for it with your life.”

  Mikayla pulled away, wiping her face with her sleeve.

  Nice.

  Her mother would be so proud.

  “It’s been a long day. I’m going to turn in.”

  He caught her hand in his, his voice half-teasing. “Is this payback for last night?”

  “No.” If she weren’t a slobbering, emotional mess, she’d like nothing more than to go to his room. “But me in the middle of a meltdown isn’t how I envisioned us spending the evening.”

  “I want to spend time with you. Period.” He brushed tears from her cheek. “So talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

  “That I don’t want to talk anymore.” She clutched his T-shirt, pulling him toward her as she rose up on her toes and pressed her mouth to his.

  What she wanted was to forget that night. To wash away all the guilt and pain.

  She wanted Dash to make love to her. To fall asleep in his arms, wake up and do it all over again.

  A luxury they might never have again.

  Dash seemed to instinctively understand how desperately she needed him. He lifted her into his arms and carried her to his bed.

  Chapter 23

  “Hello, beautiful.”

  “Hey.” Mikayla’s eyes adjusted to the sunlight filtering into the room as Dash pulled back the curtains.

  She peeked at the alarm clock on the nightstand. She’d only gotten a few hours of sleep. Not that she was complaining.

  “Hate to wake you, but I’m headed out to get the kids. If you don’t want Maddie to know about us yet—”

  “Then I’d better get out of your bed.” She fished for her phone on the nightstand and set the timer. “Fifteen more minutes. I’ll be gone by the time you’re back. Promise.” She rolled over, closed her eyes and went back to sleep.

  * * *

  Mikayla’s phone alerted her to a text. She scanned Dash’s message.

  Leaving Kendra’s now. Be there in fifteen minutes.

  She’d reset the timer at least three times. Mikayla scrambled out of bed and hunted down her clothing, scattered across the bedroom floor. When she snagged her bra off the nightstand she knocked over an open bottle of water.

  Shit.

  The liquid spilled inside Dash’s attaché case, wetting a large, manila envelope.

  Mikayla pulled the wet envelope, addressed to Dash, out of the bag and fanned it, trying to dry it.

  What if it contained important documents?

  The contents would be ruined. She opened it and spread the papers out on the bed, then got a towel to dab them dry.

  Mikayla froze, spotting her name, Jess’s and Maddie’s. She picked up the documents, one by one, and examined them. In addition to background information on her, there were court cases involving fathers of adopted children who’d sued for full custody with varying results.

  She picked up a piece of stationery bearing the name of the law firm Dash worked for and read the brief note scribbled on it.

  Dash,

  I still believe that suing for full custody is a risky proposition. Charm is definitely the better option, my friend.

  Sincerely,

  Rod

  Mikayla dropped the note, her hands shaking. She was sure she was going to be sick. Tears streamed down her face.

  He’d accused her of being untrustworthy. A liar. But it was Dash who was the fraud.

  Switching gears and flirting with her had been part of his plan all along.
>
  What a fool.

  She’d actually begged him to take her to bed.

  Dash had obviously learned a lot about the subtle art of manipulation during his time with Jess.

  He’d used her feelings for him, and she’d been gullible enough to fall for it. Taking her to bed had been quicker and more reliable than a custody hearing.

  Mikayla gathered the papers, stuffed them back into the envelope and returned it to his bag. She returned to her room, took a long, hot shower and packed their things.

  She had no intention of keeping Maddie from her father and extended family. But in her heart, and in the eyes of the law, she was Maddie’s mother.

  She wouldn’t give her daughter up so easily.

  * * *

  When Dash returned to the hotel suite with Maddie, he nearly tripped over the luggage sitting by the door.

  “What the—” He glanced down at Maddie, whose big eyes questioned his.

  “Where’s Mommy?”

  He called out to Mikayla but there was no answer. A sick feeling formed in his gut. “Don’t know, pumpkin, but we’ll find out.”

  The lock clicked and Mikayla stepped inside the room.

  “Mommy!” Maddie ran to Mikayla and wrapped her arms around her.

  “Did you have a good time?” Mikayla hugged Maddie as if they’d been separated for weeks. “I’m glad you did, but you have no idea how much Mommy missed you. And you know who else misses you? Your friends back home.” Mikayla gave Maddie a forced grin that expanded the ache in his chest. Something was very wrong. “I think it’s time we go back there.”

  Dash’s world stopped, spun backward and then imploded.

  Mikayla was taking Maddie away.

  The little girl who’d managed to steal his heart in two point five seconds flat. The center of his world and the reason he’d reunited with his best friend and discovered she was so much more.

  “You’re leaving? Now?” His chest felt heavy. “I thought we were staying in Pleasure Cove through New Year’s and driving back together?”

  “Change of plans.” Her words were clipped and gruff. Her gaze didn’t meet his.

  “I don’t want to go back to our old house.” Maddie’s declaration drew both their attention. “I want to go back to Nana’s where we live now with Daddy.”

  “Sweetie, we don’t live with Nana. We were only visiting for the holidays.” Mikayla spoke softly.

  If she’d hoped the soothing tone of her voice would counteract the rising distress in Maddie’s, it wasn’t working.

  Maddie’s eyes widened with panic. She clutched Dash’s leg. “But I don’t want to leave Daddy.”

  “I know, sweetie.” Mikayla seemed on the verge of falling apart. “But he’ll only be a short drive away. He can visit us anytime, and we can go to New York and visit him.”

  “I don’t want to visit.” Maddie’s voice broke. Her eyes filled with tears. “I want to live with Daddy.”

  Mikayla closed her eyes briefly, absorbing the shock of Maddie’s words.

  “Everything’s gonna be fine. Okay, pumpkin?” Dash pressed a kiss to Maddie’s forehead then got her settled in the other bedroom so he and Mikayla could talk.

  “I won’t change my mind.” Mikayla held up a hand, her voice strained. “So you’re wasting your time.”

  His heart thudded in his chest. They’d made love last night. For a few hours he’d made her forget the pain evident in her brown eyes when she’d relived the horror of that night three years ago.

  She’d fallen asleep in his arms and he’d come to a crucial realization. What he felt for her was more than just friendship or lust.

  He wanted to be with her.

  Dash released a long, slow breath. They were on an emotional tightrope. Any sudden movement would send them both tumbling to the ground without a net.

  “I left here a little over an hour ago and everything was fine. What happened?”

  “Nothing.” Her gaze landed somewhere near his shoulder.

  He stepped closer, lifting her chin so their eyes met. “Then why have you been crying?”

  She shoved his hand away and stepped back. “You didn’t think we were gonna play house forever, did you? I’ve got a life to go back to. A business to run. Maddie has school, her friends.”

  “But we still have a lot to talk about.” Dash kept his voice even, despite the stifling heat that flooded his face and neck. “We haven’t even discussed arrangements with Maddie.”

  “Whose fault is that?” She jabbed a finger in his direction, her voice elevated. “Who keeps putting it off and stalling?”

  Dash lowered his voice. “You’re obviously upset about something. Let’s discuss it in my room.” He gestured toward the bedroom where he’d awakened with her in his arms a few short hours ago.

  “Let me guess, the plan is to take pathetic little Mikayla to bed, then she’ll agree to whatever you want.”

  “No, but I don’t want to make Maddie any more upset than she already is.” Her accusation stung like an arrow piercing his chest. “Wait, you think that’s what this has been about?” He gestured between them. “That I’m manipulating you?”

  She folded her arms and stared at him defiantly. “Aren’t you?”

  * * *

  Mikayla’s pulse raced as Dash ushered her inside his bedroom and shut the door. Her gaze was immediately drawn to the bed they’d shared. A physical reminder of how gullible she’d been.

  “You didn’t answer the question. Did you sleep with me because...” She couldn’t say it. It hurt too much to think Dash had played her and she’d let him.

  “Sleeping together wasn’t even my idea.” He pointed an accusatory finger at her. “It was yours. So let me ask, did you have an ulterior motive?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.” Her face flooded with heat, remembering how she’d begged him to take her.

  Pathetic and desperate.

  “Then why would you think that of me?”

  “History.” Mikayla stood taller. “You were a master at manipulating lovesick girls.”

  “I made love to you because I wanted you and I care about you. Did I hope you’d change your mind and come with me to Memphis? Yes, I did, and I don’t apologize for that. But it wasn’t some sordid scheme to coerce you.” He looked genuinely hurt by the accusation. “I’ve never used sex to manipulate anyone. Ever.”

  Mikayla blinked back tears as she tried to shut down the part of her heart desperate to believe him. “Not even when charm is the better option?”

  He looked puzzled, as if he were trying to recall where he’d heard the phrase. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Ask your friend Rod.” Quick, shallow breaths burned her lungs. The pain of discovering Rod’s note flooded back.

  “Rod?” Dash glanced over at his attaché, the brown manila folder poking out.

  “Shit.” He dragged a hand through his hair. “You read the files Rod sent?”

  “I spilled water in your bag, and I was trying to salvage the documents. Imagine my surprise to discover you’d consulted a lawyer about suing for full custody of Maddie.” Mikayla choked back tears.

  How could he do this?

  “I requested this info before we spent the day together in town. Before we started to rebuild our relationship. Before any of this. I was angry and, yes, I was prepared to do whatever it took to be with my daughter.”

  “So pretending you suddenly had a thing for me...that was just a shortcut? A bandage until you could get sole custody?”

  “What happened between us...that was real.” He shifted his weight under her accusing stare. “And I don’t want to take Maddie away from you. She needs both of us, which is why I want joint custody.”

  “Not according to your friend’
s note.”

  Dash had the decency to look ashamed. “I consulted Rod when I was still angry. I wanted to be with my daughter and, I admit, I wanted to hurt you as much as you’d hurt me by keeping us apart. I’m sorry.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “That was before I realized what a terrific mom you are and how much Maddie needs you in her life.”

  “So you asked me to move in with you so Maddie would have the traditional family you didn’t.”

  Is that all she was? A stand-in until he found someone better?

  “I asked you to come to New York with me because I believe there’s something here worth exploring. Giving Maddie the family she wants is just a bonus.”

  Mikayla ground her back teeth. Dash was doing it again. Playing her.

  Don’t fall for it.

  Her eyes burned with tears. She wanted to believe him, but how could she? He’d been scheming to take Maddie away from her.

  The truth was staring her in the face. She needed to be strong enough to accept it. This wasn’t about Dash’s feelings for her at all. She was a means to an end. A way to bypass the courts and get full custody of his daughter.

  “I deserve to be with someone who loves me.” She raised her eyes to his. “Someone who actually wants to be with me.”

  His silent stare told her everything she needed to know.

  Dash didn’t love her then and he didn’t love her now.

  “Look, I was wrong, and I’m sorry. I want you to be in Maddie’s life. Always. We need to find a way to share custody.”

  Mikayla nodded, finally able to breathe easier, her pulse slowing. “I agree.”

  “Good. We can have Rod draw up the papers, or someone of your choosing.”

  “Thank you, Dash.” She exhaled, her heartbeat slowing. “Will you say goodbye to Ms. Anna for me?”

  “You’re still leaving?” There was panic in his eyes.

  “Yes.” She practically whispered the word. Staying only meant more pain. Dash belonged to Maddie, but he’d never be hers. Not in the way she wanted him. Pretending otherwise wasn’t fair to either of them. “I...we need to go.”

  “I’ll go with you.” His voice was strained. “We’ll figure this out together.”