Damaged and the Knight

by Bijou Hunter

  Judd rolled his eyes. “When I was a kid, my mom took off for a while. Like she had to run to get away from my dad. One early morning, she came back for us and snuck into the house. I woke with the light bright behind her and she was dressed all in white looking like an angel,” he said, running a hand over his arm as if tense. “That’s what I thought she was for a minute. An angel saving me. So, yeah, when I woke up with you wrapped in that white blanket and the light all around you, I thought you were an angel. That’s all it was. Sleepy brain shit.”

  “Did you think I was beautiful?” I asked like a dope.

  Judd’s grumpy expression softened. “You are beautiful. You know that too.”

  “I don’t feel beautiful. I don’t like looking in the mirror and seeing my reflection.”

  “Why the fuck not?”

  “I just don’t. I don’t like knowing what I look like. I force myself to look, just enough that I can check for gunk on my face and in my teeth. I don’t like doing it, so sometimes I just asked Farah.”

  “That’s fucked up. You know that, right?”

  I nodded. “You’re probably fucked up too. I think maybe we could be less fucked up if we were together.”

  “Never happening.”

  Grinning, I kicked him gently under the table. “The more you say that, the dumber you’ll look when you’re kissing me and hugging me and marrying me and pushing that baby carriage.”

  “I don’t want kids.”

  “Why?”

  “My family has a genetic defect and I don’t want to pass it on.”

  “What kind of defect?”

  “We’re assholes.”

  “I don’t think that’s genetic. If it is, I have it too.”

  Judd smiled softly. “I wish you liked looking at yourself in the mirror. Not like a shallow bitch or anything, but you should like yourself more.”

  “I like myself fine. I just don’t like my face.”

  “That’s part of you.”

  “Leave it alone.”

  Judd smiled at my tone. “Do you look like your sister?”

  “A little. We both have brown hair and eyes, but my facial features take after my mom more. I get my height from my dad. Haven’t you met Farah?”

  “No, but she has the boss wrapped around her finger. Never thought I’d see that happen. Coop is a big time hitter. Having him go solo like that makes me think he’s found the one.”

  “Hitter?” I asked, breathing too fast. “Like someone who hits people?”

  “Girls,” Judd said, poking at his food. When he looked up at me and saw I was freaked, he added, “A player. He sleeps around, you know?”

  “Oh. Do you?”

  “Yes. Sex and relationships mean nothing to me,” he said, giving me a cold stare.

  “I mean something to you though.”

  “You think?”

  “Yes,” I whispered, holding his gaze.

  Judd didn’t look away for maybe a minute then he swallowed hard and returned to eating like what I said meant nothing. Yet, no matter the age thing and my nerves, I knew. Despite what Judd said, he knew too, but he would need convincing. I just didn’t know if I’d be strong enough to show him the way when I felt so lost myself.

  Chapter Four

  Judd found us another hotel with a top floor suite. I sensed he chose the top floor for me only because the guy at the desk mentioned it was a few hundred dollars more. At first, Judd looked ready to say it didn’t matter then he glanced at me. Suddenly, the extra hundreds were worth it. Maybe I was hoping for too much, but I appreciated the gesture anyway.

  After my shower, I found him shuffling cards he bought at the convenience store we stopped at before the hotel. Grinning, I sat across from him.

  “You told me that you’re good at cards,” Judd said, recalling my reaction to passing a casino on the drive.

  “I said I liked cards. I never claimed to be good.”

  “The only people who like cards are gambling addicts and those who are good at it. You’re not an addict.”

  “Do you like cards?” I asked while he dealt.

  “Sure.”

  “Do you like me?” I asked softly, looking over my cards.

  Judd never looked up from his hand. “I’m playing cards, ain’t I?”

  Smiling, I looked at the pretzels we were using as money. Before I bet anything, I studied Judd’s expression and guessed what his cards might be. Since he looked bored, I figured his cards weren’t great, so I bet three pretzels. Like I expected, Judd folded.

  The next hand, his expression was too hard like he was hiding something. I folded and he showed me his three queens.

  “You’re cheating,” he muttered, shuffling. “I don’t know how, but you are.”

  “I won those pretzels fair and square.”

  Judd grinned. “I know you’re cheating. I’ll figure out how.”

  “Are you giving up then?”

  “No way.”

  After a few more hands where I doubled down when he had weak hands and folded when he had strong ones, my pile of pretzels dwarfed his puny three. Judd leaned back on the loveseat and clasped his hands behind his head.

  “I should take you to Vegas.”

  “I don’t know if my skills would work there.”

  “Skills?” he asked as his grin widened.

  Reaching across the table, I snagged one of his pretzels and ate it.

  “Do you like your job?”

  “Sure.”

  “Did you have to interview for it?”

  Judd let his gaze wash over me and my body reacted. By the way his smile warmed, he knew exactly how he affected me.

  “I worked in Memphis for a guy then I transferred to Ellsberg.”

  “Why?” I asked, crossing my arms over my excited nipples.

  Judd glanced at where my arms were and his smile softened even more as if pitying the horny little girl.

  “My mom got sick,” he said, crossing his arms and nearly mimicking me. “Breast cancer. She got better and decided she wanted to live somewhere quiet. I moved her to Ellsberg, bought her a shop, and took a job with the Johanssons.”

  “What kind of shop?”

  Judd studied my face in a soft way, making my skin flush ever hotter. “She does hair.”

  “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

  “You writing my biography, kid?”

  “No, Daddy, I’m not.”

  Judd glared at me. “Stop calling me that.”

  “You started it, Judd.”

  “You forgot to end my name with the stud.”

  I opened my mouth to say something sassy, nearly daring him to fuck me right there. Fortunately, my brain switched on and I closed my mouth tight. Judd watched me for a minute then grinned.

  “I have a brother. No, he doesn’t live in Ellsberg. No, we aren’t close. No, I don’t want talk about my childhood with you.”

  “Okay. Do you still want to play cards?”

  “You know what I want.”

  Judd held my gaze and I felt every ounce of courage seep out of me. I really wanted him and thought he was mine, but I wasn’t ready to take him to bed. My mind was stuck on our first kiss, not whether he was carrying condoms.

  Even knowing I wasn’t ready, I admired his tanned skin lit by a small light nearby. The white tee he wore clung to his muscular frame and I imagined the flesh hidden underneath. Judd’s eyes were so open to me and full of hunger that I had trouble breathing. I wanted to say no, but I was afraid he would think the no meant forever and not just for tonight.

  Nodding, Judd stood and stretched. “You remember that fear you’re feeling in your gut right now. You remember it when you think flirting with me is a safe hobby.”

  Staring up at him, I wanted so much to feel him against me, but I was scared.

  Judd watched me and sighed. “I don’t do bubblegum lovey-dovey shit, Tawny. Unlike Cooper, I’m too old to be trained to be what you want. I’m a redneck fucker, not a sweeth
eart. I fuck for my pleasure, never the woman’s. I don’t care about baby carriages or making you feel special. None of that matters to me, so you better remember that.”

  Nodding, I stared wide-eyed.

  “I get that you have those nightmares, but you keep in mind how if you want me to sleep in the bed with you tonight, it’ll be under the covers. Do you understand?”

  Nodding again, I avoided his gaze as I walked to the bedroom and shut the door. Sleep took a long time to come while I thought about Judd.

  I loved when he smiled for me. The way he watched me made me feel beautiful and I wished to make him mine that very minute. Yet, I wasn’t ready to be anyone’s lover.

  Just the thought of having a man on top of me, inside me, using me like Judd said he used women was too much. Falling asleep remembering being used before, I wasn’t particularly surprised when I dreamed of the week with the bikers. I usually dreamed of them when I went to bed agitated. This night was no exception.

  Waking startled and whimpering, I needed to know I was safe. While Judd wasn’t safe, he was a weapon against the monsters in the world seeking to destroy me. I opened the door to the sitting room, hoping to find him asleep. Instead, he was watching TV in the dark.

  Our gazes met for a moment as I entered. Quickly, I looked away and walked to the couch while he sat in a chair with his feet propped up. Judd watched me silently and I felt his eyes on me. Long after one show ended and midnight came and went, I pretended to watch TV while Judd watched me.

  At some point, I dozed off on the couch, safe in the knowledge that Judd and his weapons were nearby. Waking to the feel of hands on my body, I opened my eyes and realized Judd was picking me up.

  “Rest, angel,” he whispered as he carried me to bed. “Tomorrow, we’ll get you to your sister and these bad dreams can end.”

  “Thank you,” I said, reaching for his face as he laid me down.

  I expected his facial hair to be prickly like a five o’clock shadow, but it was soft under my fingertips. Caressing his face as he kicked off his jeans, I watched him join me under the covers. Half asleep, I just smiled.

  “You tempt the devil,” he whispered then laid his head down and sighed. “Angels always do.”

  I thought to say something, but my fingers only lingered on his face until sleep took me again.

  ***

  Waking up before Judd, I watched him sleep. His breath came out softly and his face was so relaxed that I smiled at the beauty of his expression.

  Today was our last day on the road together. Soon, I hoped my new life would include Judd and all of the naughty ideas I saw in his eyes the night before.

  Judd awoke slowly and focused his gaze on me. We just watched each other for a few minutes then he reached out and caressed my cheek. Sighing heavily, he turned away and sat up on the edge of the bed.

  “Clean up so we can get you to Ellsberg.”

  Wanting to say something, I just watched him walk to the bathroom and disappear inside. After he showered, Judd reappeared in only a towel wrapped around his toned waist. I wished to remain calm, but the sight of so much flesh turned me into an overheated mess. Never had anything looked as beautiful as Judd did half naked, damp, and with his hair brushed back. He was perfect and I wanted him too much to find the words.

  Judd didn’t acknowledge me as he walked through the room. Once he shut the sitting room door to get dressed, I took my shower. By the time I peeked into the sitting room, Judd was dressed and packed to go. He barely glanced up at me when I appeared then we were out the door.

  After a quick hotel breakfast where Judd was more interested in his phone than me, we headed towards the final stretch of our trip to Ellsberg.

  Accustomed to long periods of silence, I didn’t mind the quiet in the SUV. Normally when Dad was tense, he didn’t talk. This was a blessing since he got mean when tense.

  Watching Judd, I knew he struggled with unwelcome feelings, despite the dull expression in blue eyes.

  Did he really have a woman back in Ellsberg? Or at least someone special enough to feel divided over? While I didn’t feel very young anymore, did he simply worry about the ten year age difference? Judd pretended to see me as a kid, yet I saw desire in his eyes too. I never felt better than when he looked at me in his hungry way.

  An hour before reaching Ellsberg, Judd pulled off the highway to fill up the tank, even if it wasn’t very low. Ignoring me fully, he pulled into a restaurant parking lot and left the SUV. I hurried to catch up and met him at the door he held open for me.

  After we were seated and ordered, I watched him not watching me. Judd struggled to avoid eye contact and I wished he would pay attention to me. I felt like I was nothing without his gaze on me. As if I’d actually become invisible without his acknowledgement. Even used to being ignored, I couldn’t stand it from Judd.

  Twice, I attempted to start a conversation. First, I asked about where he lived in Ellsberg. He just shrugged. Second, I asked what he drove since the SUV was a rental. Sighing, Judd didn’t respond.

  Giving up, I stared at my hands as we waited for our food. The waitress gave us two refills before our food arrived. I smiled at her and said thank you, but she was ignoring me too.

  “What?” Judd said suddenly as we still waited for our meals.

  Frowning, I shook my head. “I don’t understand.”

  “You keep staring at the waitress’s necklace like you’re planning to rip it off her.”

  “I had one like that, so I was admiring hers.”

  “Your daddy pawn it to pay the bills?” Judd asked in a grumpy voice.

  “No,” I said, frowning darker now. “A man stole it, so he could give it to his daughter.”

  Judd met my gaze finally and the irritation in his eyes turned uglier. “The fucker told you he was giving it to his kid?”

  Remembering how the thug Eric made me take off my necklace, I also recalled the way he called me by his daughter’s name during the rapes. No matter the gift to her, I doubted his kid had an easy life.

  After a minute, I spoke quietly. “It wasn’t fancy or expensive. I don’t think it was even real gold or anything. Just a little necklace with a tiny crucifix, but it was the prettiest thing I ever owned.”

  Judd’s gaze clouded over with an emotion that broke my heart. So much pain hid inside this beautiful man and I wanted to fix it all. I wanted to heal him like Cooper healed Farah. I never thought to how damaged I was or how I couldn’t heal myself. All I imagined was helping Judd.

  “I’m getting a job in Ellsberg,” I told him when he just watched me with those pained eyes. “I’ll save up and buy myself a new necklace. A nicer one even. I’m good at saving..”

  “What kind of job?”

  “Waitressing, I guess. I don’t like working in stores. It’s boring, but if that’s all I can do, I’ll do that. I’m going to pull my weight.”

  Judd stretched his arms along the back of the booth and frowned. “Cooper won’t want his woman’s sister working a shit job. It’ll make him look like he doesn’t take care of his own.”

  “I’m going to help pay the bills,” I added softly.

  “With a waitressing job?” When I nodded, Judd rolled his eyes. “Cooper doesn’t need your crappy paycheck to pay for things.”

  “Then, I’ll save my money and buy stuff.”

  Judd looked pissed again and I didn’t know why. The waitress thankfully appeared with our food, so Judd and I were able to ignore each other for the duration of our meal. Yet, I felt intimidated by Judd’s anger. While I often irritated my father, I gave up long ago trying to make him like me. With Judd, I cared if he thought I was shit.

  By the time we left the restaurant, I felt like I was losing Judd. Maybe he wasn’t really mine to lose, but I needed him to want me.

  “I think you’re the most handsome man I’ve ever seen,” I blurted out. Judd turned to me and frowned. Even with his dark expression, I continued, “I wanted you to know that I didn’t say no la
st night because I don’t think you’re handsome or because I don’t want you. I was just scared of being close like that, but I’m not scared of you. You’re special and handsome and I really like you.”

  Staring, I felt dumb because my words sounded dumb. They sounded so beautiful in my head like poetry even. Out loud, they sounded like the babbling of an idiot.

  Judd stared at me like I was awful, just the lamest shit he had ever seen.

  “Fuck,” he muttered, walking towards me.

  Before I could react, his lips found mine while his hands were against my face. The kiss was too brief and I wanted more, but Judd only studied me.

  “You look like a damn angel with that face. Like innocence and goodness and everything in a perfect fucking package wrapped with a seventeen year old bow. Why did you have to be seventeen?”

  “I’ll be eighteen in a little over a month,” I mumbled, placing my hands on his hard chest.

  Judd looked miserable and I thought he would push me away. Instead, he wrapped me into his arms as his lips met mine again. Not for a brief kiss, but a real kiss like the kind I saw people share on TV.

  His tongue opened me up and caressed mine. Moaning into his mouth, I wanted it all. In his arms and having him need me was like magic. As if nothing ugly ever existed. Maybe nothing at all ever existed before this moment.

  This was my first real kiss and it was perfect. The kisses before were ugly things I endured, but this kiss from Judd was something I savored. Pressed against him, I felt his heart racing under the palms of my hands. He wanted me and I never felt more important.

  As our lips sucked at each other hungrily, I imagined a life in Ellsberg. Laughing with my sister, becoming stronger and more confident, and loving this man who wrapped me wonderfully in his arms.

  The day Farah left for college was the worst of my life. Worse than anything from the week with the bikers. Worse than any beating from my father or dismissal from my parents or new day at another new school. When Farah left, I thought I would never see her again. I had been so certain she would go to college and flourish and outgrow me. Once she had friends and found a man who loved her, Farah wouldn’t need to settle for me any longer.