by L.H. Cosway
At the end of lunch, Trev offered to pay the bill. He and Lee argued over it for a couple minutes, but he won in the end. I wanted to say I could pay for my own, but I was still a little muddled over his presence. I didn’t want to argue with him. I just wanted to get home so I could have that private freak-out session I’d promised myself.
“It was great seeing you,” said Karla as we hugged outside the restaurant. “Are you still coming over on Tuesday night?”
“I wouldn’t miss it,” I said and turned to say goodbye to Lee.
When I glanced at Trev he was staring at me thoughtfully. It was difficult reconciling this new, more sedate version of him with the wild, carefree boy I used to know so well. He’d changed, and as much as I tried to resist, I was curious.
“You walking home?” he asked. Karla and Lee had already started to leave. I felt trapped.
“Yes.”
“Let me walk you.”
I shook my head. “That’s not necessary.”
His gaze sharpened. “I want to.”
“Trev, are you coming, or what?” Lee called from a little way down the street.
“Nah, I’m walking Reya home. I’ll see you back at the house.”
Lee nodded and Karla sent me yet another apologetic look. She knew I wouldn’t want this. What she didn’t know was that a part of me did. An idiotic, masochistic part of me.
“Okay, but it’s not far,” I said and started walking. Trev fell into stride next to me.
“You still living in the same flat as before?”
“Yep.”
“But you always hated it there,” he said, studying my profile.
I stared straight ahead and let out a joyless laugh. “Yeah well, sometimes we have to take what we can get.” I paused to shoot him a wry look. “Not everyone has TV money.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” He swore under his breath. “Christ, I’m fucking this all up. I’m just trying to get a fix on what your life’s like now. Karla won’t tell me anything when it comes to you.”
I was relieved to hear that, but then again, she was one of the people in my life I trusted. “Maybe that’s because there isn’t much to tell. A lot might’ve happened for you in two years, Trev, but that’s not the case for most of us. My life is pretty much the same as it was before, with just a few small adjustments here and there.”
“Such as?” he probed and I started to grow uncomfortable with how closely he regarded me. It felt like I was under a microscope.
“Well, like I said, I don’t really busk anymore. I prefer to play the clubs, less arseholes shouting insults and all that. I discovered that I’m allergic to strawberries, so I don’t eat those anymore. Oh, and I switched my phone service provider from BT to Three. So, you know, I’m basically a whole other person now.”
The edges of Trev’s mouth curved in a smile. “You’re fooling no one, Reya Cabrera. I bet you’ve had a lot more exciting things happen, you just don’t want to tell me, and that’s fair enough. You don’t trust me. How things ended between us . . . I hate myself for it every day.”
I eyed him suspiciously, because I found it a little hard to believe that. If he hated it all so much then why hadn’t he tried to make amends in the two years we’d been apart?
“Look, let’s not get into that,” I said, dismissive.
“I want to apologise.”
“There’s really no need.”
“I said I want to, Reya.”
“Trev, you really don’t have to. Please. It’s in the past. We’ve both moved on with our lives. I don’t eat strawberries anymore, and you, well, you—”
“I,” Trev started, “am in therapy like I should’ve been years ago.”
I stopped walking and turned to face him. “You are?”
He exhaled heavily. “I am.”
“How long?”
He started counting fingers. “Six months, give or take.”
I blew out a breath. “Wow.”
His expression intensified. “It’s been . . . a learning curve.”
I nodded and stared at him, my mind wandering. Two years ago, he’d confessed to me that he had ADHD and that he was going to start treatment. It had gone undiagnosed for years. My heart hurt for him at the time, and I remembered the feeling. Starting treatment didn’t exactly pan out like he’d planned, but I couldn’t blame him. He’d been handed way too many things at once, and sometimes adults could be spoiled just the same as children.
Trev’s gaze wandered from my eyes, down my nose to rest on my lips. Cold air kissed my neck and I shivered, though more from the way he was looking at me. Suddenly, I was transported back to another time when he’d looked at me that way . . .
Two.
Past.
I was drunk.
That’s what happened when there was free booze doing the rounds. I was at a party to celebrate Trev’s TV show getting the green light, and had just taken a step outside to get some air. I could barely get a moment alone with my friend . . . boyfriend? I still wasn’t too sure what exactly was going on with us.
It wasn’t like we had any time to talk, I thought bitterly.
Ever since he received that phone call a few days ago he’d been swept up in an impenetrable whirlwind. He had to cancel our lunch plans, and this party was the first time I clapped eyes on him since. Friends and industry people surrounded him, so I decided I’d entertain myself. Things would calm down soon enough.
I hoped.
I stood by a wall in the busy smoking area just as a voice whispered from behind. “Fuck, I missed you.”
Familiar arms wrapped around me and I turned to stare up at him. “Who died and made you Justin Bieber?” He chuckled as I went on, “And I missed you, too, by the way.”
Trev smirked and it did something to my downstairs. “You’re drunk.”
“That’s what happens when all I’ve got is Prosecco to keep me company,” I said and fiddled with his collar. “Everyone wants a piece of you.” I pouted. Pouting is not something I’d be seen dead doing if I weren’t intoxicated, just FYI.
“It’ll cool off,” Trev murmured as he backed me up into the wall.
I lifted a brow. “Will it though?”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t it?”
“You don’t see yourself like I do,” I said. “Once you’re on TV, other people are going to see it, too. You’re going to become hugely famous, Trev. It’ll be even worse.”
“It won’t. I’ll make sure of it,” he said firmly.
I wanted to believe him, really, I did. But the feverish excitement in his eyes said otherwise. He loved this, loved the attention. Being the belle of the ball was what Trev lived for, and I couldn’t tell if it was a symptom of his condition or just a part of his personality.
“Promise?”
“I promise,” he whispered as his hands drifted down to cup my arse. His voice was still low as he went on. “I’m going to fuck you so hard.”
My thighs clenched instinctively at his carnal promise. Him speaking to me so explicitly was very new, and it had a heady effect. I was under his spell, so much so I didn’t even bother looking around to see if anyone was eavesdropping.
“Do it then,” I goaded, staring him dead in the eyes.
His hands wandered lower, dipping beneath the hem of my mini-dress to dance along my thighs. I swallowed tightly, arousal swarming me, and dared him with my gaze. He accepted the challenge and a second later his fingers were inside my underwear, trailing along my wetness.
“Christ.” Trev dropped his face to the crook of my neck. “You’re not going to remember your own name once I’m done with you,” he warned and then his hand was gone. He fixed my dress back into place before anyone noticed and took a step away. “Give me thirty minutes to finish schmoozing then we’ll head to yours, yeah?” His voice was husky.
I blushed and looked at him from beneath my lashes. “Okay.”
“I want to kiss you so badly, but I know if I do I won’t stop,”
he said, stepping away all the while. I nodded and he slipped back inside the club. I slumped down onto a bench and accepted a cigarette from one of the other partygoers. I wasn’t a smoker, but I lit up anyway. I needed something to take the edge off my arousal. Though why I thought nicotine had that ability, I couldn’t tell you.
Thirty minutes passed but Trev didn’t resurface. After more than an hour I wandered around the club searching for him. I eventually found him at a booth surrounded by fancily dressed people. TV people, therefore strangers to me. But new admirers to him. When I managed to catch Trev’s eye he at least had the decency to look apologetic.
I’d sobered up a bit and was feeling tired, so I pulled out my phone and shot off a text.
Reya: Let’s take a rain check, okay? I’ll come see you tomorrow. Gonna head home now.
I was already in a taxi by the time he texted back.
Trevor: I’m so fucking sorry, Reyrey. I’ll make this up to you. I mean it.
I didn’t bother replying because I knew he was swamped. I’d see him tomorrow and everything would be different.
Yes, tomorrow everything would be . . . different.
Three.
“If I could go back, there’s so much I’d change.”
We were just down the street from my flat. I should tell Trev goodbye, say it was nice to see him, even though it had been anything but. It was confusing and painful, and most concerning, thrilling.
“You don’t need to say that. Whatever happened was meant to be. We were never supposed to work out, and that’s all there is to it,” I said and watched his features turn to stone. He looked like he didn’t agree and his jaw ticked.
I started to walk again and he followed. We’d just reached my building when he asked, “Have you been seeing anyone?”
The question made my heart burn and my palms grow sweaty. “There was someone but . . .”
His head tilted eagerly. “But?”
“He ended it,” I answered, not bothering to lie.
“Dumb bastard.”
I laughed softly. “He was actually pretty clever, worked as an archivist in Westminster.”
“Smart people can be dumb, too, you know,” said Trev.
I put my hand on the gate and bent my neck to look at him. “True, but that wasn’t the case with David. He was clever in every way. I just couldn’t seem to give him what he wanted.” I trailed off because I was revealing far too much. What are you doing, Reya?
“What did he want?” Trev seemed fascinated.
“What do we all want?” I asked back. “Love.”
“You didn’t love him?”
I shook my head. “I wanted to.”
“Did he love you?”
“He said he did, but I dunno. It never really felt right with him.” I sighed and opened my gate. I needed to end this conversation. “Back to the drawing board I guess. It was good seeing you today. I hope everything goes well with the filming.”
“Saying goodbye already?”
Turning back, I recognised that old glint in his eye. Sometimes I wondered if he even realised he was using it. It was the one that always got him whatever he wanted, but it wouldn’t work on me. Not today. Not anymore.
“I’m afraid so. I have a lesson in an hour and there’s a stack of laundry I need to deal with before I go.”
Trev stared me down as though trying to figure out if I was lying. I wasn’t, but even if I had a free day ahead of me I wouldn’t have invited him in. My flat was tiny and being in such a tight space would only heighten the unwelcome feelings I was having. He studied me for so long I thought he might’ve been magically frozen in place.
He swallowed and glanced away for a second. Several thoughts passed over his face before he spoke. “Okay, can we arrange to meet up tomorrow then?”
I arched an eyebrow. “Why?”
His expression was very open. “Because I’d like to see you again.”
I studied him, trying to figure out what his game was. If there was a game at all. Maybe he really did just want to see me. He had always enjoyed my company, after all, and vice versa. Still, I swallowed and met his gaze as I replied steadily, “I’m busy tomorrow, too.”
There was brief flash of unhappiness in his eyes at my answer. A conflict warred just beneath the surface, and I got the sense he was going to argue with me. But then, as though he’d mentally tamped down the urge, he said, “All right, well, maybe I’ll catch you around.”
I nodded and turned to walk inside. His words stopped me.
“You look beautiful, by the way.”
I didn’t move.
“I’ve been wanting to say that since I saw you at the restaurant.”
I still didn’t move or turn to face him and he let out a long sigh. “I guess I deserve this.”
I couldn’t take any more so I simply slotted my key in the door. It wasn’t until I was safe inside my flat that I let myself cry. My skin felt cold and hot all at once, and my pores beaded with goose pimples. I ached. I realised with stark clarity how much I still felt for him. This was bad. It was worse than bad. It was dangerous. Because if he pushed even a tiny bit more, my defences would crack. He’d manoeuvre his way back into my life, and I’d repeat the cycle of falling for him and being devastated all over again.
I started on my dirty laundry but let a bunch of clothes fall to the floor as lyrics flooded my head. I fumbled for a pen and paper and began scribbling them down before I forgot.
You come back
My back is up
You try to open the door
I slam it shut
You look at me like you used to
But it’s not really the same
You’re different, changed
And despite all my strength
I want to know why
I want to open the door
I put the pen down and bit my lip. The words that spilled out worried me, because often my subconscious knew more than my conscious mind. I was like a dog who got kicked over and over again, but my heart was too fickle to remember how bad it hurt, so I came running back every time, tongue out, tail wagging.
Two days went by and to my relief I didn’t see Trev again. Tuesday I was getting ready for my girls’ night over at Karla’s. I worried that he might be there, but reminded myself he lived in a swanky penthouse by the Thames nowadays. It was unlikely he’d be at Casa Cross.
I put on some comfy grey leggings, a purple camisole, and a long, knit cardigan. I also wore my UGGS, well, my imitation UGGS, because those shoes were expensive. Still, even though they were fakes they were still the most comfortable shoes I owned. If somebody makes it so I can get away with wearing slippers outdoors, I’m all for that shit.
I took the tube to Hackney and arrived at Karla’s at seven thirty, a plastic shopping bag on my arm with wine and chocolate, because of course. Alexis and Karla answered the door looking like they’d already had a few.
“Reya, c’mere. Have I ever told you how much I love you?” Alexis crooned as she pulled me into a hug.
I chuckled and drew away. “No, but feel free.”
“Well, I do. I love all of you,” she went on tipsily, with a dramatic hand gesture.
Karla laughed. She wasn’t nearly as merry as Alexis, not yet.
“This is her first night out of the house in two months,” she explained.
“Yes, and I’m making the most of it,” Alexis added. She had a young son who took up the majority of her time, so I didn’t blame her for wanting to let loose. Her partner, King, must’ve been taking care of little Oliver tonight.
They led me inside the living room where Trev’s cousin, Sophie, and Andie, his brother Stu’s partner, sat with glasses of wine in hand. Everybody was well ahead of me.
“Hi, ladies,” I greeted as I handed my bag off to Karla. “More supplies.”
She nodded happily and I took a seat beside Andie on the couch. Somebody had put on a DVD of Vikings—for obvious reasons. I was a big fan of the sho
w because I liked my mythology with a side of hairy, muscled plunderers.
“I’m sorry about the other day,” said Karla, sitting on the armchair by the window. “I haven’t had the chance to apologise yet, but I promise I never planned for Trev to horn in on our lunch. He just showed up and as soon as Lee mentioned we were going to meet you, he wouldn’t take no for an answer.
I brushed her off. “It’s fine. I know what he’s like. Don’t worry about it.”
“You haven’t seen him in a long while, right?” said Andie, her kind brown eyes landing on me.
“Nope. Not for almost two years. It was . . . weird,” I admitted. It nearly shattered me.
“I’ll bet,” said Alexis. “Little bastard should’ve known better than to ambush you like that.”
“Hey!” Karla protested. “That’s my kid brother-in-law you’re talking about.”
“Yes, and you know as well as I do how poorly he treated Reya. She was his best friend for years. Then as soon as he gets a bit of fame he dropped her like a hot potato.”
That familiar burn in my chest assaulted me. I knew Alexis was tipsy and simply speaking her mind, but it still hurt to be reminded.
“He didn’t drop her. They both decided to end things,” Karla corrected her.
“Is that true?” Andie asked, her voice soft. Obviously, she was the one with the most tact.
I rubbed my chest as I spoke. “Yes. Well, kind of. I hardly ever got to see him and it just wasn’t working out, so I suggested we call it a day.”
“You suggested it?” Alexis exclaimed. “I didn’t know that.”
“That’s because it’s none of your business,” said Karla.
“So tell me,” she went on, making a sweeping hand gesture.
Karla shot her a hard look but strangely I didn’t mind talking about it. The past two days I’d been a bubbling pot of unresolved feelings and I wanted to get them out. That was often the drawback of living alone. There was no one to vent to.
“You probably know by now that Trev has ADHD,” I started. He’d been resistant to telling his family at first, but like most things, it all eventually came out. “It was undiagnosed for a long time, because well, you know how things were for the family growing up.” I paused and shared a look with Sophie, but she didn’t seem offended by me mentioning her childhood. Trev and his brothers, alongside Sophie, had managed to evade social services as kids and instead found a way to survive on their own. That way involved stealing cars and working for a dangerous criminal, but that was a story for another day.