How to Date Dead Guys (The Witch's Handbook Book 1)

by Ann M. Noser

  They give each other a startled glance.

  “Oh, I didn’t know that.” I try to gloss over Jake’s mistake. Apparently, he isn’t such a smooth talker when it comes to his own family.

  We watch the dogs run back and forth across the yard after the ball.

  “Would you like your gift now?” I ask. “Or do you want to wait and open it with the rest of your family?”

  Laura pauses before accepting it. “My parents went snowshoeing, but they’ll be home soon. I felt sort of tired, so I stayed home to read instead.”

  She stares at the present in her hands.

  “But you look really good,” I encourage her. “I mean, I heard you were sick.”

  “Yes, my kidneys,” Laura murmurs, not offering any more information. I fear pushing the subject, even though this is exactly what Jake wants to know.

  “You should open it,” Jake says without looking at her. He focuses on playing ball with his dog.

  Laura bites her lower lip and ever so gently undoes the wrappings. She lifts up the cameo in her hand and smiles sweetly. “I’ve always loved cameos.” She admires her present, cradling it carefully in her hands.

  “I’m so glad you like it. It’s from Italy actually, not England. I went there for a weekend.” I hope she wouldn’t ask me anything about Italy, so I can hide my total ignorance on the subject.

  “That sounds nice. Studying abroad, I mean. I’ve never been anywhere. Not that I’m complaining.” Laura’s tone makes it clear she doesn’t want anyone feeling sorry for her.

  I’ve reached the point where I don’t know what else to do. We’ve delivered the present. Jake knows his sister is still alive at least, looks good, but doesn’t have the energy to go snowshoeing. He doesn’t add anything to the conversation, and I’ve run out of things to say. Plus, I didn’t dress warm enough, and my toes are freezing. I stand up as if to leave. “Well, it was nice to meet you,” I say lamely. “I hope you like your present.”

  Laura continues as if she didn’t hear me. “Jake and I were supposed to spend all summer together.” She gazes at the beautiful pendant in her hand. “We were going to be as lazy as possible during our recovery. We’d signed up for unlimited movies from Netflix. Jake even let me put some chick flicks on our movie list.”

  Laura laughs to herself as if she is no longer with us. “He even agreed to watch Dirty Dancing first.”

  I feel like I should say something. “Patrick Swayze’s cool.”

  “Yes, but Point Break would be a much better choice than Dirty Dancing,” Jake mutters.

  Laura looks at him sharply. “That’s funny. Jake said that, too. I guess every guy thinks that.”

  “Do you still have to have dialysis?” I blurt. It’s too personal a question for a stranger, but Jake needs to know.

  “No, I don’t have to do that anymore.” Laura sounds surprised.

  Jake turns to Laura. “Did you get someone else’s kidney?”

  “No, I got my brother’s kidneys. Both of them, actually. He was brain dead by the time they got him to the hospital, but they kept his heart beating. I had to go into surgery right away. It was awful, and yet I have to be grateful because I feel so much better now. Sometimes, I don’t really know how to feel about it.”

  “You got both of…his kidneys?” Jake asks, stupefied.

  “Yes.” Laura bows her head. “Jake’s friends came to visit me in the hospital. They were devastated by the accident. They told me everything that happened.”

  Jake stares at his sister as she keeps talking. “One of Jake’s best friends graduated that year, and he’d gone out to celebrate. They had all gone to ‘the cliffs’ afterward to go swimming. The rocks were slippery, and Jake fell backward into the water.”

  She pauses, her voice shaking. “They found him right away and called for an ambulance, but by the time they got him to the hospital, it was too late.”

  Laura benefited from Jake’s death, but I can tell the guilt consumes her.

  “But Jake wanted to give you his kidney,” I argue against the cloud of shame which hangs around her.

  “Yes…but I only wanted one,” Laura murmurs, tears in her eyes.

  “What’s most important is that you’re all right,” Jake assures her.

  Laura sniffles.

  Jake drops the tennis ball and goes to her. He probably can’t help himself.

  That’s when it happens.

  Jake pulls Laura toward him and gives her one of his signature annoying hugs. One of those hugs with so many rough pats on the back one feels like they’re receiving the Heimlich maneuver. One of those hugs people don’t easily forget.

  Laura backs away in horror. “Who are you, anyway? I’ve met all of Jake’s friends before, and I’ve never seen you. You talk like him, and you even hug like him. He never mentioned any Emma, either, and we used to talk all the time.” Laura slinks away from us, as fearful as a child.

  “It’s all right, Laura,” Jake tries to console her. “As long as you’re okay, then everything’s all right.”

  Laura bolts for the front door and struggles with the handle, but Jake gently puts his hand against it to stop her escape. She spins around and scrambles down the steps, takes a sharp left, and heads for the backyard.

  Jake races after her.

  I scurry after Jake, my boots crunching in the frosty snow. “Maybe we should leave her alone. We’re scaring her.”

  “She’s my sister!” Jake argues over his shoulder.

  Laura halts in midstep.

  Jake catches up and reaches for her arm.

  “Don’t you dare touch me!” Laura roars, her cheeks red, and her gaze darting between the two of us. “What did he just say to you? What did he just say?”

  I can’t answer.

  “How dare you come out here, pretending to be his friends!” Tears run down her cheeks. “Pretending to care about him and bringing me some bogus present!”

  “It’s not bogus! You always wanted one of those!” Jake reaches for her.

  “I told you not to touch me!” Laura slaps his arm away, then continues to hit him, flailing against his chest.

  “Jake, stop it! Just leave her alone!” I pull hard on the back of his jacket.

  Laura steps back. “What did you just call him?”

  I stare at her and clamp my hand over my mouth.

  I forgot to call Jake “Sam”.

  “What the hell is this? Just go away!” Laura turns and sprints toward the large, frozen pond far across the backyard.

  “Laura! Wait a minute!” Jake darts in the other direction to retrieve his mother’s cobalt blue mirror ball from its pedestal in the middle of the backyard. “Please, just look at my reflection.”

  “No. Just leave me alone!” At first Laura refuses, holding her hands out in front of her to keep him away.

  “Please, Laura,” Jake begs as he approaches her.

  With a gulping sigh, she turns her tear-streaked face toward the mirror ball.

  As I watch Laura’s shaking hand touch the reflection of her brother’s face in the blue surface of the ball, I hear the sound of someone’s heart breaking. I’m not sure whose it is. It could have been mine.

  The cracking sound grows in strength and power. With a sickening realization, I turn to face the pond. The frozen surface fractures and bursts before my eyes. Water spews forth like a volcano. Ice breaks off in great chucks, heaving and falling in layers of ugly, faded turquoise. The erupting pond sounds angry, hungry, and alive.

  I scream, “Run, Jake, run!”

  He turns to me in confusion. Then he falls forward and is swiftly drawn facedown and feet first toward the hungry, swirling pool.

  “What’s happening?” Laura sobs, clinging to the mirror ball.

  The two dogs yelp and circle frantically.

  Laura and I race together after her brother, lunging and grabbing for his jacket, coming ever closer to the ravenous icy jaws of the beast.

  “Let go! You’re not coming with
me!” Jake yells over the noise. He shakes both of us off just before we reach the gaping, swirling hole in the frozen pond.

  We fall back and watch in horror as it swallows Jake whole.

  The screeching and shrieking of the reforming ice drowns out our screams as we realize what just happened.

  Jake is gone.

  “For better, for worse…”

  y eyes and throat burn as I gasp for breath and collapse to my knees. Time stands still except for the falling snow.

  Nani scratches at the unyielding ice, whining and howling in unearthly tones. Laura sobs into her arms, facedown in the snow.

  Silent tears fall, and stabbing pains fill my chest. I wish I’d never found Angie’s Book of Shadows... but then I never would have met Jake or Sam. I watch the large frozen pond, trembling in fear of who or what will come out next.

  Angie’s book… Did she leave it behind on purpose? It’s been months since I found it, and she never called asking about it, not even while I still lived with Chrissy. Why doesn’t she want it anymore? Did something like this happen to her, too?

  Eventually, Laura stops crying and pulls herself into a sitting position. Both dogs pace, sniffing back and forth along the edge of the frozen pond. Laura whistles and pats the ground beside her. Frisky obeys immediately, but Nani throws back her head and howls. The dog’s anguished cry hangs in the cold air.

  Laura stares far across the white snow. Flakes fall lightly as the sunlight fades to gray. The emptiness begs for interruption, but I have nothing to say.

  As the sun sets, Laura speaks in clipped words. “We need to talk.” She stands up and leads the way back to her home. I shiver as we cross the yard. We go inside, and Laura points at a hook where I can hang up my coat.

  “I’m making hot chocolate,” Laura announces as if I shouldn’t contradict her. She avoids my eyes and busies herself heating water in the kitchen and hunting down marshmallows in the overfilled pantry.

  I wander through the house without asking permission. I need to see the backyard. Who else will be coming out of that pond? Laura finds me in the living room, standing so close to the picture window I have to wipe away my breath.

  “He’s gone now,” Laura whispers, “for good, I mean.” She hands me a steaming mug of hot chocolate.

  “I think so, too.” My voice comes out empty and all wrong. At times Jake annoyed the crap out of me, but now I don’t know what I’ll do without him. This is far worse than losing Sam. Much worse. This time it even hurts to breathe.

  I shudder. “Laura, there’s something I’ve got to tell you.”

  She raises her eyebrows. “I think there’s probably a lot you’re going to tell me.”

  I nod and allow her to lead the conversation.

  “How did you come to know my brother? That was my brother, wasn’t it? I’m not losing my mind, am I?” Laura grips the mug in her hands but never takes a sip.

  In contrast to her delicate behavior, I gulp down the hot drink I don’t want, scalding my throat. I avoid Laura’s red-lidded gaze, glancing around at their family décor. There are easy chairs, family pictures, and an upright piano. I wander over to the piano, touching the keys to calm myself. As a kid, I always played Beethoven when I got upset. But I don’t think anything can help me now.

  Nani pushes her head into my right hand. I will my blood pressure to drop as I scratch her ears. Laura stares straight at me as I choose my words with care.

  “I met Jake earlier this semester. And, yes, he was your brother. At least on the inside he was.”

  “Yes, about that. I saw Jake’s real image in the mirror ball, but whose body is it that he lived in?”

  I haven’t even considered whose body it was. Why didn’t I think of that? “I have no idea.” I begin to sweat, either from nerves or the overheated hot cocoa.

  “That’s okay. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Where did you meet Jake?” Laura still hasn’t consumed any of her drink.

  I want to rip it out of her hands my throat feels so tight and dry. “I met him in Eau Claire, on the bridge after he climbed out of the Chippewa River, which runs through campus.”

  Again I see him crowing in excitement, with Pajama Girl dancing around him.

  “But that’s not where he drowned,” Laura says.

  “I know. I don’t think it matters.”

  “I don’t understand.” Laura pauses. “And why didn’t he come home right away?”

  “Jake was so worried you hadn’t gotten his kidney he couldn’t face you at first.”

  “Did he talk about me a lot?” Laura looks so expectant I hate to disappoint her.

  “Well, I knew Jake had a little sister, but he didn’t tell me the seriousness of your situation until this morning.” Was it really only just this morning? It seems so long ago already. “But he told everybody else on campus he was donating his kidney and that he was keeping it a secret from me. He claimed I was against organ donation because I’m Catholic.”

  Laura narrows her eyes. “Why are you against organ donation?”

  “I’m not! Of course I’m not. Jake just said that to irritate me.” I tap my warm cup. I can’t stop fidgeting.

  “Now, that sounds like my Jake.” Laura smiles and turns toward the window. She seems to fall into a trance. The way she said “my Jake” makes me want to cry.

  “Is there anything else you want to know?” I ask.

  “Not right now.” Laura leads the way back into the kitchen and dumps her hot chocolate into the sink. “My parents will be home soon. I don’t think you should be here when they arrive.”

  She pulls open a drawer and grabs a pen and paper. “Would you leave me your info, so I can contact you later if I want to?”

  I write it all down, both for home and school, wondering if I should make up false addresses and numbers just in case she freaks out and calls the cops. Good old Officer Walker would have a conniption fit if he heard what went on here. I’d probably get arrested and subjected to a psychiatric evaluation.

  I hand Laura the sheet with all my relevant data.

  “You might want to keep an eye on that pond,” I say. “Jake wasn’t the first person who came back out of the water when I was around.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Jake was the second person. Sam was the first. They both drowned last spring.”

  “I still don’t understand. Why are dead people following you around?”

  “Um… I used a spell to raise the dead.” I blush, knowing how stupid this sounds.

  “What?” Laura backs away.

  “Well, actually, I had been trying for someone else, but Sam and Jake came out instead.” I know the truth must sound horrible to her.

  “I think you should go now,” Laura whispers.

  Maybe she’s worried I might cast a spell on her. I don’t want to ruin her holiday any more than I already have, so I put on my jacket. I pause halfway out the door when she asks one more question.

  “Who were you trying to raise from the dead?”

  “His name was Mike.” Just saying his name churns my stomach. Or else it’s the hot chocolate.

  he entire awful ride home, every radio channel plays Christmas music. The road blurs in front of me as Sinead O’Connor’s mournful “Silent Night” causes me to release a lifetime of tears. Still sniffling, I snap the radio off…but then nothing keeps out the voices. Memories play in my head like home movies.

  “What a rush… That was awesome…” Jake dances on the bridge once again.

  “No wonder you flipped out and turned witchy…” Jake lounges on my futon, waving my violated diary.

  Oh crap… He read my diary. He knew all along how I felt about Mike. But that changed. And now I don’t know what to do with this cycle I’ve set in motion. The only reason I met Jake, or Sam, is because I’d been so crazy about Mike in the first place.

  But that’s over…isn’t it?

  Two hours later, I pull into the garage and drag myself into the kitchen. By the abr
upt end to their conversation, I can tell my parents have just been talking about me.

  “Where’s Jake?” Mom demands.

  “He went home.” I avoid her gaze. “It’s Christmas Eve, remember?”

  “Did you two have a fight?” Dad fidgets with his coffee cup. “You look upset.”

  “Uh…no.” I force a fake smile. “Everything’s just great.”

  “Is he coming back soon?” Mom asks.

  “I swear you want him around for Christmas more than you want me,” I grumble.

  Mom clears her throat, letting me know I’m being childish.

  I sigh. “Sorry. I’m just tired. I think I’ll take a nap before midnight mass.”

  I escape to my bedroom, lock the door, flip on the radio (Ack!―more Christmas songs), switch to a classical CD, and flop down on my bed. As soon as I shut my eyes, the images start. I remember every single minute of last night. I remember Jake kissing me and telling me he loved me, come what may. And I repeated the same to him. Then, embarrassingly enough, I must’ve passed out from drinking too much. When I woke up, he was gone.

  Afraid of what he might say, I shut down this morning when Jake tried to talk about last night. I wish that I could speak up when I have so much to say, but I just can’t.

  Now I’ll never get the chance to tell him I really meant what I said. It wasn’t the alcohol talking. It was my heart.

  “Emma, it’s almost time for church! Aren’t you dressed yet?” Mom’s voice rips me out of a restless sleep.

  “I’m coming.” I throw on clothes and dash to the front door where the warmed car stands waiting.

  The Christmas Eve service at our church lasts forever. I spend the entire time praying like I never prayed before. Please let Jake be somewhere good now, not stuck in the dark wherever he was before. And poor Sam. Please help him figure out how to be happy.

  When we get home, I can’t fall back asleep. I roam the house, eventually settling down at our grand piano. Sometimes just touching the cool, hard keys can calm me, but not tonight. Not even Beethoven can soothe me anymore.

  Mom finds me there, crying. “What’s wrong, Emma?”