Dead I Well May Be

by Adrian McKinty

  I nodded.

  And Bob, too? he asked. This time, he really didn’t know.

  Aye, Bob, too, I said.

  Jesus, he said, still a ways away from being afeared.

  Why? asked Bridget. What’s going on? Please. What’s going on, honey?

  I realized she wasn’t talking to me.

  Darkey looked at me and looked at her. He read the expression on my face. His number was up.

  Sweetie, Michael and I have some business to discuss. I think it would be best if you went into the bathroom for a moment, Darkey said with admirable calm.

  What’s going on? she demanded, hysterical.

  I’d wanted to talk to her, to let her know what kind of a man Darkey was. To let her know about Andy, Fergal, and Scotchy. To tell her what I’d been through. To tell her that he was a fucking monster. Subhuman. That he deserved to die, that she was better off without him. Maybe even better with me. I wanted to make a little speech and tell her everything, to tell her that I was the strong right arm of the Lord’s vengeance. But once again, Darkey was correct. She didn’t need to see it. It would be better this way.

  Darkey’s right, Bridget. We have to discuss a few things, just go to the bathroom, there’s things you can’t hear.

  You’re not going to kill him? There’s four men in the house, all of them armed, you’d never get away with it. They’d kill you, Michael, kill you. My God, you’re alive. How? You survived the … Oh God, we didn’t know, Jesus. Is this about money? Michael, promise me you won’t do anything rash. Promise me.

  She was looking at me. But she was clinging to him.

  Promise me, give me your word, everything can be sorted out, she said. You won’t do anything rash. Promise, say it.

  I promise, I said.

  Darkey hadn’t taken his eyes off me.

  I’ll explain it all later, Bridget, Darkey said. Please, love, do me a favor, just go to the bathroom for a minute. Just for a minute.

  But why? she said, sitting up, leaning forward now, almost touching me.

  It’s business, Darkey said firmly. Now go.

  I looked at him with wonder. He looked back at me, his face a study in composure and concentration. What a man. He was old school. He was Darkey fucking White.

  Why does he need a gun? We’re all friends. Michael, I’m so glad you’re alive. Oh my God, Bridget was saying.

  Darkey turned and faced her. He could see that I was losing my patience and he wanted to spare her the scene.

  Go to the bathroom, for two minutes. Michael and I have to talk business, he said, loudly, forcefully.

  She turned to me.

  Why do you need the gun, Michael? she asked.

  Those eyes. Jesus. How could you lie to her? How could you storm in here, upset her? How could you even think about hurting her or those whom she loved? It was impossible.

  I don’t trust Darkey, that’s all, I said, and gave her a smile. I think it reassured her a little.

  And you won’t hurt him? she asked.

  Me hurt him? I asked.

  Yes, she said, soft, anxious.

  Her hands folded themselves in front of her, as if in prayer. It unsettled me, rattled me; my weapon hand twitched.

  I won’t touch him, I said.

  She let go her hands and took a knot out of her hair.

  Darkey breathed in and out.

  I remembered to breathe too.

  Ok, she said in a monotone. She believed me. She thought it was a misunderstanding, she wanted it all to go away. Tomorrow was Christmas, this was some kind of bad dream.

  She looked at Darkey. Darkey nodded.

  Two minutes, he said. The bathroom.

  She blinked once, got up, and went to the en suite bathroom, closing the door behind her.

  She’s gone. You might as well say your piece and get it over, Darkey said in a whisper. I’m ready.

  You’re a hard man, Darkey, I said, trying to keep the admiration out of my voice.

  Yeah, so are you.

  Do you want to know why? I asked him, itching to spill the whole fucking story, but realizing now that I couldn’t.

  I suppose I do, he said, still quite cool. If I could be half as together when my time came, I’d be all right. I sat down on the edge of his bed.

  I promised Scotchy, after they shot him, I muttered to no one in particular.

  Look, Michael. What if I told you that no one was supposed to die? Darkey said quickly.

  Do you think it’s the sort of thing you’re likely to tell me? I asked.

  Would you believe it? he asked.

  Honestly, Darkey, now I don’t think it matters, I said.

  He shook his head. Took a deep breath. His temples throbbed. He smiled at me. I was impressed. Was this the same crazy, impulsive, overacting Darkey White? Maybe, I thought, I was finally seeing the real Darkey White.

  Is there anything I can say to make you change your mind? If I offered you a lot of money, or, or anything? he said.

  I shook my head. It’s a blood feud, Darkey, you know the score. Nothing else will quite do.

  He sighed and leaned back in the bed. He looked to one side and then stared at me square in the face.

  Ok, Michael, you fuck, do what you’ve come to do. You realize Duffy will hunt you down and kill you? If it takes fifty fucking years, he’ll do it.

  Darkey, somehow I never really thought I’d make old bones, I said.

  Darkey looked at me and swallowed. He clenched his fists and brought them to his sides.

  Get on with it, Darkey said, urgently. I’m ready now.

  I raised the pistol, pointing it at his head, but before I could do anything more there was a bang and I was thrown sideways against the closet door. It smashed into the back of my head and I sprawled forward onto the bed and rolled to the floor. I scrambled up but then my foot gave way and I went down again. I looked over. Bridget had shot me in the side. Shot me from the bathroom with a .22 revolver. Silver one.

  Fuck, Bridget, I said.

  She was walking towards me, shaking all over, eyes wide, face bright. She was determined. Cold. It was an expression I hadn’t seen on her before. Jesus, had I ever really known her at all either? Her lips narrowed.

  I’m sorry, Michael. I don’t know what’s between you and Darkey, I don’t know what’s going on, but I love him and—

  I kicked the legs from under her and she tumbled backwards. The gun flew out of her hand and onto the bed. Darkey and I both made a grab for it, but Bridget fell on top of me. The .22 slipped between the bed and the bedside cabinet. I dropped my gun, grabbed a fistful of Bridget’s hair, and smacked her skull into the closet door. Her head jarred back sickeningly, and she went limp. I regrabbed my gun and dived for cover at the bottom of the bed just as Darkey managed to find the .22 and began shooting wildly at me. Darkey, full of adrenaline, got off three rounds into the wall before I rolled to one side and shot him in the chest and face and neck. His gun fired another round and then stopped. Blood pumped from him, the left side of his face gone. A bullet had ricocheted off his jawbone, up through his cheek and into his brain. He sat there bleeding and dripping eye jelly onto the pillowcase. His face relaxed and what was left of his mouth drooped into a grimace. He balanced for a moment and then slumped forward. I went over and felt his pulse. It was still beating gently, which afforded me the excuse to lift up his head, take out the Stanley knife, and cut his throat from ear to ear. I checked Bridget and saw that she was ok. Bridget. Jesus.

  She loved him. None of this had been necessary. He could have just killed me and told her about it, and she probably would have raged for a while but dealt with it because she fucking loved him. It would have been better that way too. Andy, Fergal, Scotchy, Sunshine, none of them had to die. She loved him, she would have understood. He shouldn’t have been so overprotective. Jesus, Darkey. You just didn’t have confidence enough in yourself. Darkey White—a lack of confidence in himself? Could have fooled me. Maybe it was that bloody gut he�
�d got, or his dyed hair. But it hadn’t mattered to her. He should have just topped me and been done with it. Scotchy would have done it. But he wasn’t sure enough of her and that had killed him.

  You fucking idiot, I told him.

  And now I remembered that I’d wanted to ask him if he’d ordered Andy’s beating way back then. It didn’t really matter. It was water under the bridge. I sat on the bed and fixed my foot. Bridget was out for the count. I put her in the recovery position and found Darkey’s wallet beside the bed. There was at least five thousand dollars in big bills. That would help. I grabbed the money and found the key to the Jag. I looked at my side and stomach. It seemed quite bad. Vital organs are in your side. I couldn’t remember what, but I knew they were pretty important. At least it wasn’t hurting yet. I cut off a whack of bed-sheet with the Stanley knife and wrapped it around me. I duct-taped it into place. I bent down and hog-tied Bridget with tape. She was still well gone, which was good. I threw a sheet over Darkey so it wouldn’t be the first thing she saw when she came to. I grabbed a sweater and a leather jacket from the closet and put them on. I pocketed the .22, so the coppers would have a harder time comparing slugs when the doctors took one out of me.

  I went downstairs and checked in on my guard. He hadn’t moved a muscle. I regretted killing Marley, it would have been a neater operation without that, but it was too late now. I was dying of thirst, so I drank some water. I went into the garage and turned the light on. I opened the door manually and started up the Jag. I reversed it out of the driveway, closed the garage door, drove to the gate. I had to get out again and open the gate. If I hadn’t been wounded, I would have gone to the camp and dismantled it, but there wasn’t the time now.

  I drove the car down the hill and found a sign pointing to New York. The car handled beautifully. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was pale, losing blood but not too fast. I found the right slip road, drove on, and everything turned into a bit of a blur; I think, but I’m not sure, that I went through a tollbooth and paid a couple of bucks. The drive was all hazed and dreamy, but at one point I stopped at a lay-by and threw the .22 and all the other weapons far into the woods. I got back in the car and drove on again.

  In about an hour I was back in the Bronx, and not long after that I reached Manhattan. I left the Jag, doors open, keys in, on 123rd and Amsterdam. Someone would have it within ten minutes, but that’s what I’d thought about the Cadillac too, so I left the engine on as well, as extra incentive. I got about a block and took a breather and sort of fell down and then, of all people, Danny the Drunk caught up with me on his way to the twenty-four-hour boozer. Saved my skin, really. He was already wrecked, but I persuaded him to lend me his shoulder at least as far as Columbia U. He did, and went off and started yelling at the guards at the Columbia gates. Somehow by myself I managed to walk up the final bit of hill to St. Luke’s Medical Center. I was close to passing out, and I had to stop many times to catch my breath. I found the emergency-room door and went in.

  It was the scene you would expect. Packed, noise, fucked-up people, harried doctors and nurses. “Christmas in Hollis” from a tinny stereo.

  A nurse gave me a clipboard.

  I blacked out for a minute.

  A voice, voices. Comforting.

  Always the same, Christmas Eve, New Year’s Eve.

  Yeah.

  I don’t know. People go crazy.

  Yeah.

  Well. What happened to you?

  I, I don’t want to go into it.

  Lemme see? What is it?

  Uh.

  You been shot?

  Again, I don’t want to talk—

  I suppose you know we have to report this to the police?

  You do?

  Yes.

  What about doctor-patient confidentiality?

  Doctor-patient, my ass.

  Funny.

  Here, let me see.… Whereabouts you hurt?

  Here, side, here.

  Ok, let me see now, just lift, oh, oh my goodness. Sylvia, get over here. Quickly, come on.

  They put me on a gurney and when they took my jacket off they saw it was actually very serious. Off came my sweater and T-shirt, and I felt a drip go in.

  The doctor was black, the other doctor was Indian, all the nurses were black. I was in Harlem, I was back home. There were Christmas decorations, and I realized again it was Christmas Day.

  Hey, Merry Christmas, everyone, I said.

  You save your strength, son.

  I wasn’t sure what they were doing now, but it hurt like a motherfucker.

  You know, I don’t think your anesthetic’s working, I said.

  It’s working, a nurse said, holding my head, while another began inserting plastic tubes up my nose.

  No really, it hurts, a lot.

  You’re lucky you’re not dead, the doctor said, very irritated, and started doing something incredibly painful to my chest. My eyes were heavy. I blinked slow.

  Fortune … favors … fools, I said, and smiled at him before finally contriving a way to lose consciousness.

  CODA: ELEVEN YEARS LATER—L.A.

  A

  tap dripping. A car idling. A dog barking. The distant roar of automobiles. The occasional plane. Heat. The hum of the air conditioner. Blue water in the pool. A glass of orange juice undrunk because I think it must be grapefruit by mistake. It’s bitter. A leather sofa. A computer, a bookshelf, the blinds half drawn. Dust on them. The dust spiraling up from a faux Aztec-patterned rug. A long hair on my suntanned arm. Hers. A coffee table with The Economist and a couple of letters. A painting of a moon and deer. Also hers. A pencil sharpener in the shape of HMS Victory. An ashtray. Cigar clipper. Typing paper and soda cans in the wastepaper basket. A coffee cup, the crossword. Sleeping plants. The window. The enormous sky complete with vapor trails. The manicured and watered lawn that will never be quite green.

  The room is inert, frozen, still. I look at Granpa’s photograph with the sepia faces of the dead. The tap. The dog barking furiously. My stomach growling: it’s an hour before she gets home, before I have to make dinner. Depending on traffic, of course. At least I’m not out there. The people running with buckets along the battlements. Fire in the keep. Stress. It’s the new millennium and transport is still vehicular and ground-based. How disappointing. In fact, the whole century’s been a bit grim so far. I reach out and turn over the cover on The Economist. Sometimes it’s best not to know. My hand twitches and I close my eyes. Black fields. A faraway place. Observe, see us, see Patrick in the forest rehearsing his prayers, see us walking through it, a wounded arm and cuts on the barbed wire and the bog sucking down our packs. Cold rain that never gets this cold, not in the temperate brother of the Temperate Island. Aye. Jesus. I blink awake. I stare at the computer, whose background image is the Hubble Deep Field. I stare, and finally the screen saver kicks in, which is the Earth in daylight and nighttime portions. The AC. Reliable, relatively quiet. A rivulet of condensation from off the cooling ducts. Far off, a carnival of pneumatic drills. I get up from the sofa and look in the mini fridge. There is no grapefruit juice. I lie back down again. Think. The tap. The dog. The sound of the engine idling. What foul conspiracy is this? She poured it for me at eleven A.M., just before she left for her afternoon job at the marketing agency. Odd. I lie under the counterfeit mahogany and the multiplications of the ceiling fan. Think. I roll off the sofa and pick up the glass and sniff it.

  Footsteps, the gate. Ahh, I see. Consequences. Someone has come to murder me.

  In an hour or two, the sun will set and then it will be dusk. The best time to be in this city. Yellow and brown and gold lines will weave the clouds into a picture. The sunsets in Los Angeles. … It was not always so. Father Henriques Ordóñez of the Santa Barbara Mission, writing in the 1790s, describes night falling quickly, the sun disappearing like a ghost into the Pacific. Spectacular now because the polluted air scatters the light into its lower frequencies. All this is true. Obvious.

  The
juice sitting there, sipped, but otherwise untouched. The air conditioner spitting, whining. Another plane. The dog louder now. A picture of the desert. A banana. Oranges. CDs on a shelf: Undertones, Ash, Therapy, U2, Van Morrison, Irish bands all, nostalgia no doubt, pathetic really.

  The juice. The dog. A dying lemon tree. I’ve tried with it. Watering. Starving. Moving from out and back into shade. The tap.

  He comes. He has prized the lock on the gate. Prized not picked. This is not going to be about savoir faire. He is medium build, a light gray suit. Pinstripes. Cheap but expensive-looking shoes, slippy soles. White sport socks. He is wearing pilot sunglasses and a brown felt fedora. His face is pockmarked, his nose especially. He is about thirty, but with the skin and the uneasiness he seems older. He is steady on his feet, but clearly he’s a drinker. After this job he’ll go to a bar and take a shot or two before heading back to report. The weapon is in a shoulder holster. A longish pistol, perhaps a machine pistol or maybe the length is a silencer, or maybe it’s both. He has another gun around his ankle. A revolver. His trousers are too short. In fact, the whole suit looks too small for him. If he were Latino, I’d say that the suit was perhaps his brother’s. But he’s not, he’s Caucasian. He walks up the path on the left-hand side. A Brit, a Mick. Maybe just a leftie. No, the gun is over his heart. He’s a fucking Paddy, I know it.

  He won’t be sure about the city. The heat bothers him. He’s wearing a stupid hat. He’ll be easy. He’s not being particularly cautious, even though this isn’t his town. How have they been briefed? I’m drugged and asleep? Why hadn’t Carolyn been more insistent about me taking my vitamin C? Nervous, she didn’t want to put too much emphasis on it. Raise suspicion. But the dose was too big. Clumsy, clumsy lass, never could do anything right.

  We’ve been dating for about half a year. We met at the firm where I worked briefly as a security consultant. Carolyn’s her real name, but she wants everyone to call her Linnie. That should have been a clue right there. She’s no Bridget, though she is pretty. Pale, thin, blond, fragile. She’s from Athens, Georgia, but likes the B-52’s rather than R.E.M. Another clue.