When I first moved to Clemons, I had followed loser boyfriend number three with hope of us making it as a duo, similar to The Civil Wars. Austin had other plans. When things got tough he abandoned me, leaving me here with nothing.
I bounced back, he may have bent me, but I wouldn’t be broken so easily. I took whatever jobs I could and I met Cassie one night by chance. I found her in the bathroom crying over some jerk who had stood her up. I said to her, “No man deserves your tears.” Then I bought her a drink, and got on stage with her to sing Ladies Night.
Her voice was terrible but we had a great time. We became instant friends and she started coming in and hanging out with me.
If it wasn’t for her dragging her sexy brother along with her one night, I may have never met Joey. That night changed my life. Joey thinks I have commitment issues, but I’m just scared he will realize how much better he’d be without me. His mom sees it, and one day she will make him see it too. He has such high aspirations. I don’t have any of that. I am floating from one day to the next. I need Joey to keep me grounded. When he looks at me, I feel as if I could do anything and be anyone. No one has ever loved me and believed in me the way he does. He makes me feel as if I really matter.
I keep waiting for the day to come where he no longer needs me, his bubbly sex kitten, and meets someone with goals, who can give him things I can’t.
Joey’s Ma thinks I am just sponging off him, because I like working at the bar with him and Cass. Carwell’s feels like home. I draw in a lot of customers. I’m no Madonna but I can sing. I fill a lot of chairs on the weekends.
Swinging the door open, Lewis is already setting the tables for the lunch crowd. He smiles surprised to see me. One of my worst habits is being habitually late. “Morning sweet thing,” he greets, kissing my cheeks.
I smack his sexy ass and he rolls his eyes.
“You can smack it all you want, but girl, you aren’t getting any of this fine ass. I don’t do women, not even those as sexy as you,” he teases.
Lewis is a delicious hunk of sexual chocolate. His dark skin is so smooth, and the man has lashes I would kill for. He’s beautiful. I have never seen such perfect cheek bones in all my days. He also happens to be gay. All the gorgeous ones usually are.
“Any word yet from your man?”
“No, I am sure they are just getting to the restaurant.”
We fall into our easy routine of preparing the kitchen for Ronnie. The man is an asshole, but he is the best short order cook around. He comes in the back door, right on time, as we finish setting up his stations.
“Good morning Ronnie,” I singsong knowing I won’t get a response. He grunts with a grimace, going up front to clock in on the register.
The dude has little-man syndrome—meaning he compensates for his short stature with his out of this world asshole personality. He never speaks to any of us unless he has to out of necessity.
Sasha and Lena come dragging in. They are Cassie and Joey's’ daytime girls. Lena runs the bar with Lewis while Sasha and I man the floor.
“Rough night girls?” I smirk wondering who their latest conquest was. They always have some wild story to share.
“You have no idea,” Sasha says popping a cherry in her mouth.
“I need some fucking coffee,” Lena whines rubbing her temples.
“I’m waiting bitches, dish,” Lewis pipes in taking a seat next to me at the bar.
This is our daily routine. We trade sexcapades until customers start filing in.
Sasha starts going into some spiel about some college boys they went home with, but quickly stops mid-story when Freddie walks in. Interesting. Freddie is the busboy. There has to be a story there and I will get to the bottom of it.
Lewis pulls his cell out of his pocket and his face falls. He covers his mouth and steals a glance at me. The way he is looking at me is freaking me out.
“Hey.” I touch his arm gently. “Is everything okay?”
“Don’t freak out on me Audrey, but I need you to keep your cool, and come with me to the hospital.”
Tears prick in my eyes. “Lewis don’t fuck with me. What’s going on?” Deep down in the pit of my stomach I have a sick feeling that something is wrong with Joey.
“There’s been an accident,” he says, his voice shaky and uneven.
Fear grips me.
“It’s Joey, isn’t it?”
He nods. I don’t know what to do. My hands are shaking and I don’t know how to make them stop trembling. I need a drink or something. Lena reaches me a glass of water. My mouth is so dry. The girls want to come with us, but Lewis needs them to stay and run the bar so he can drive me. I know it must be bad, if Cassie reached out to him instead of me.
The whole drive to the hospital I keep chanting in my head, praying Joey is okay.
He can’t leave me.
I can’t lose him.
He is my world.
He is the beat of my heart.
“Joey will be fine, you’ll see.” Lewis tries to reassure me but I can see the fear in his eyes. He knows more than he is telling me.
The drive seems to take forever. I keep trying Cassie, but I keep getting sent to her voicemail, and I can’t bring myself to call Joey's phone. Something tells me that he won’t pick up.
We finally make it to the hospital, and Lewis drops me at the emergency room, leaving me on my own so he can park.
I am afraid to go in. What if I go in there and Joey is all mangled or worse, dead?
“Sweet girl,” Lewis says approaching me as I pace by the double doors, scared of what the other side holds. “All this pacing isn’t going to change what you are about to face. Joey needs you right now.”
“You’re right.” I nod wiping away my tears. I have to be strong for Joey, no matter what. When we walk through the double doors a blast of cold air hits me in the face, along with all the sadness and pain the waiting room holds.
Lewis holds my hand as I approach the receiving window.
“Can I help you?” An older nurse with beady eyes asks, clicking on the keyboard of her computer.
I open my mouth to speak, but no sound comes out.
Lewis takes charge being my voice and my strength. “We got a call about Joe Carwell.”
“Are you family?”
“No, but this his girlfriend.” He points to my tear streaked face.
“Sorry, immediate family are the only ones allowed back, he was in a serious accident. I can’t release more than that. If you take a seat, I believe his sister will be out in a moment.”
“Tha-thank you,” I finally stutter out as Lewis leads me to the empty, plastic chairs in the corner.
This room is terrifying and loud. There are so many people bustling in and out. Some in tears, others with smiles of relief plastered over their faces.
Finally, Cassie comes out of the emergency room. Her white shirt and gray slacks are covered in blood...Joey's blood. I just know it’s his, I can see it in her blank stare. I feel faint as bile rises in my throat.
She rushes over to me squatting down and hugging my neck. “I’m so sorry Audrey. I tried to stop him, but he was so mad at me.” She wipes her nose on my shoulder as her tears fall. She sobs into my hair as I clutch onto her, waiting for her to just say the words. Joey is gone.
“He’s in surgery, there is a waiting room for family. I’ll take you there. Ma is on her way.”
Relief floods me, he’s okay.
He is alive.
That’s all that matters.
I take a deep breath.
Inhale and out.
Repeat.
Lewis and I follow Cassie to the other waiting room. As we walk she fills us in. She and Joey had a disagreement. Over what though, I am not sure, that isn’t important right now. Joey became upset and exited the car. When he went to cross the street a car came flying through the intersection and struck him at a high rate of speed. Cassie was preparing to go when it happened. She left her car running in the m
iddle of the intersection, rushing to her brother’s side.
“There was so much blood, and his face. Oh God, his handsome face!” She sobs into Lewis’s arms as he hugs her tight to his chest, rubbing soothing circles on her back.
Joey’s Ma comes in ignoring me completely, I am pretty sure she just snubbed her nose at me. She goes straight for her daughter, demanding information. I sit with my head in my hands absorbing the story for the second time. Only this time Cassie blurts out what they were disagreeing about with coaxing from Gertie.
“He told me tonight was special.” She looks away when my eyes meet hers. Panic bubbles in my throat. Were they arguing about me? “I know he wanted it to be a surprise, I’m sorry Audrey. Joe was planning on proposing to you tonight.”
Tears of joy and sadness run down my face with her admission. My Joey wants to make me his wife. But why would they be fighting about that. Oh my God, Cassie doesn’t want me with Joey. I thought she was okay with us, but apparently I thought wrong. I want to comment but refrain. This is hardly the time or place.
She’s my best friend. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about her not wanting me for a sister-in-law.
I accompany Lewis to the vending machines to get coffee and to give Cass and her mom a moment alone. Alone and numb, that’s how I feel right now.
**
We have been sitting in the waiting room for four hours now, waiting for answers, eager to just know something...anything. No one is speaking. We don’t know what to say. I’m afraid if I say anything it will just set Gertie off. She has never wanted Joey and me to last. Even her dog hates me. Bowser barks at me non-stop every time we go over for dinner, which isn’t often. She hasn’t invited me over since she walked in on us last Christmas.
I don’t know what she wants from me. I love her son and we are adults.
A doctor walks in with a somber, telling face. His eyes are heavy with regret.
“Is my son okay?” Gertie rushes over clutching his hands, grasping for hope.
The world is moving in slow motion as he speaks.
“Your son has suffered, multiple, devastating injuries. We repaired what we could, but we don’t expect him to survive the night. He’s on life support, and I wish there was more I could do for him. If you’d like to see him, I suggest you do it now and begin making preparations.” His voice is gravely.
At this point I am frozen in place.
His words can’t be true.
I have to get to Joey, he needs me.
I can bring him back.
He will come back for me.
Cassie is collapsed in a chair wailing loudly that this is all her fault. Lewis is doing his best to console her without much luck. Her light brown hair is knotted and wild.
“Mrs. Carwell. Your son is an organ donor; we will need you to go over the paperwork at your convenience, but the sooner you act the sooner we can save other families from this heartache.”
“Oh my God!” I yell snapping out of my stupor. “He’s not dead yet and you already want to harvest him like he is. Fuck you, whatever your name is. Joey is a fighter. He will fight his way back to me!”
“Miss, I’m sorry. I know this is difficult to hear, but Joe has a good heart. His organs could save a lot of lives.”
Gertie is clutching her chest, wavering on her feet. I grip her elbows offering her my support.
“You make me sick. You are disgusting!” I continue to rant as I help Joey’s mom to a chair. “I’ve read stories about sickos like you. You are all too eager to cut up my boyfriend and steal his parts so you can feel like a hero...Well, not today!” I spit at him.
“Miss please calm down, I understand you are upset, but the situation won’t change, he’s brain dead. If you’d like to see him, I’ll take you in myself.”
I am so angry I am shaking. The tears well up and I can’t breathe, a Mac Truck just parked on my chest. Falling to my knees, I throw up all over the doctor’s shoes.
“Goddamnit,” he curses under his breath, leaning down. He reaches me a tissue from the nearby table. “I’m sorry. I’ve never been good at this, the telling people their loved one is dying. Losing a patient is hard for me believe it or not.”
“Part of the job, right?” I scoff wiping my chin.
He frowns and extends his hand to help me up. I take his offered kindness and I am the first to see Joey. Gertie is on the phone calling in family. And Cass insists that I go in first. She is clinging to the same hope as me, that he will fight for me...for us.
The curtains are drawn, shielding anyone passing by ICU from seeing through the windows of his room. The different machines keeping him with me hum and beep, as his chest rises and falls.
“I’ll just go clean my shoes,” Dr. Redding, excuses himself.
I approach Joey slowly; afraid the slightest movement may bring him harm. His face is wrapped in gauze. I can only see his lips, nostrils, and bruised eyelids.
“Oh God,” I whisper, palm against my mouth. My tears fall like a steady rain as I stand by his bedside. There are so many tubes and wires. His arm is swollen; it’s so much larger than I remember. The color of his bruised hand is all wrong. This isn’t the man who was making love to me this morning. What was only a few hours ago now seeming like ten lifetimes ago.
Sensing someone behind me, I turn to see a nurse. “You can touch him, but he probably can’t feel it. He’s been given a lot of medication. But they say talking helps.” She smiles weakly, coming over and checking the readings on the monitors. She’s young, pretty even. I’m glad a pretty warm face is taking care of him. If he were awake, I’d be teasing him right now that he only got in here to fulfill his hot nurse fantasy.
“Joey, can you hear me,” I speak softly to him as if my words could injure him further. “It isn’t supposed to be this way,” I whisper talking to myself more than anyone. “It’s not fucking fair Joey! You are the best man I have ever known and I need you. You can’t leave me, you can’t give up on me, damn it.” I cry quietly, wiping my tears on the hem of my shirt.
I brush my thumb over his knuckles afraid to touch him, but wishing like hell I could crawl in the bed with him, and lay my head against his chest. I wish he’d wrap his arms around me and tell me this is all a dream, that he is still here, and he loves me most.
But staring at him, I can’t feel him. I can’t explain it really, but he isn’t here in this room...in this body.
Joey’s gone and he’s not coming back.
He will never propose.
I’ll never have his baby.
It’s not fair!
I slump over him as I wail.
Later on, when I am all cried out, a hand touches my back, and for one fleeting moment I could swear its Joey. But in my heart of hearts I know it isn’t. Lewis.
“Cass and Gertie want to see him. Big Joe will be here soon. Let’s go to the chapel.”
I nod, but I know my prayers won’t be heard.
I can’t bear to meet Cassie’s eyes as I pass by her in the hall. I want to lunge at her, and hit her so fucking hard but I don’t. But God do I just want to hit something...someone.
Cassie
Two months later...
“I mean look at her,” Lewis says. “She is just so...”
“Sad,” I finish for him.
Audrey is on stage her head is hanging from the floor upside down as she belts out Bohemian Rhapsody, “Nothing...matters.”
She begins to howl like a dying cat and then screams, “Eat me all of you, you’re all zombies.” Then she drops the Mic and passes out. Lovely.
“You know I love our girl, but she’s hurting the business. She is running off what little customers we get out the door.” He motions dramatically to the group shaking their heads as they walk out the door.
“I know, but it’s only been two months.” I wish I could help her. We all miss him, but it’s different for us. He was planning to propose the day he died, and I just had to open my mouth for Audrey to hear. I had
to open my mouth, and start a fight with my brother, and he had to go and get killed. I hate him so much for putting that on my shoulders. I mean, I know he didn’t knowingly walk into the street knowing he was going to die, but it’s easier to be angry with him. He isn’t here to tell me I’m wrong.
“I just want things back the way they were you know,” Lewis says squeezing my shoulder. “I’ll get her upstairs.”
I grab his hand. “I don’t know what we’d do without you.”
“I love you too Cass.”
I watch Lewis and Freddie try to pick her up. Audrey breaks my heart. Her head lolls to the side as Lewis cradles her in his embrace like a child. Freddie walks ahead of him opening the doors for him. It’s a familiar sight. We go through this routine a few nights a week.
Some days are better than others. She seems to do better when Ma is here, but I think it is only because Ma scares her. She doesn’t take any shit, and won’t put up with Audrey’s shenanigans and pity parties. She puts Audrey in her place but she also calls to check on her often. I think Ma cares for Audrey more than she likes to admit.
They have a love/hate relationship, like most mothers and daughters. I think Audrey has grown to count on her too. She doesn’t have any family here, but us.
“Sasha go ahead and start closing out your drawer. Freddie can help you lock up tonight.”
She nods and I go into the office to call Ma.
“Hey Ma, you heard from Cam yet?”
My other brother is due home any minute now. I am picking him up from the train station whenever he gets in. His phone kept cutting out and I didn’t catch his arrival time. I have missed him so damn much. He wasn’t able to make it home for the funeral. I know it hurt him to not be here. He needed to stay where he was though.
“Yeah, he should be getting in around 10 AM. You sure you want to pick him up. Dad and me are anxious to wrap our arms around him. It’s been too long.”
“Yeah, I want to talk to him about Joe and things first. Twin stuff.” I smile faintly. Cameron, my other half. Part of me has been missing since he enlisted.
When It Rains Page 2