“Okay, drive safe and come straight here after your talk.”
“Love you Ma.”
“Love you too baby girl. How’s Audrey?”
“The same, worse. I don’t know Ma—I worry about her. She loved Joe so much. I wish...”
“I know you do,” she cuts me off. “Can’t go back. We can only move forward. Now I know she’s your friend. I know I haven’t been Audrey’s biggest fan, and I know she’s hurting, but I don’t want her ruining Cameron’s coming home party,” she gripes. “She needs to get her shit together.”
“Yeah Ma, I know. I’ll handle it.”
I groan after we hang up. No one can handle Audrey. She’s a free spirit, who loves hard and hurts deep. We all hurt, we all miss Joe and wish he were here, but no one more so than Audrey.
I am afraid of what seeing Cam will do to her. He’s my twin, but him and Joe looked so much alike. More than we ever did. I’ll prepare her for seeing him in the morning. She’s seen pictures, but seeing him in person is something else.
Cameron
Coming home is nothing like I was expecting. I thought I would be getting to have a beer with my brother, but life had other plans. I always thought I’d be the one to die. Joe was the smart one growing up. He did everything he was supposed to while I was always getting into trouble. He talked me in to enlisting. Said it would give me the discipline I needed and save Ma from a broken heart. I just knew that one day out on patrol I’d drive over a IED and lose a limb or get blown to pieces. I have seen it happen enough times. I’ve witnessed a lot of bad shit I wish I could forget. Dead babies, fallen soldiers. I shake my head and try not to think about the visions that keep me from getting any sleep.
I don’t know what made me think catching a train home was a good idea. Every screech has me gripping the edge of my leather seat and gritting my teeth, while praying I don’t freak the fuck out. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD before I was discharged and put on medication to help me cope with life. But I hate taking that shit, it makes me feel like a Goddamn zombie. However, I shake out a few pills into my palm and toss them down my throat so I can make it home without an incident.
The train finally comes to a stop. I grab my duffel bag and step onto the platform where my twin sister Cassie is waiting for me. First she smiles and then she cries before wrapping her arms around me. “Welcome home Cam.” Her hair gets tangled in my dog tags and she giggles.
“Cass,” I choke out needing her hug more than she knows. Being home is bittersweet. Joe should be here too. I can’t believe he’s really gone. His death still hasn’t actually hit me. I keep waiting for him to jog across the platform and make a wise crack about my buzz cut. Telling me my ears stick out too much.
“Come on let’s get out of here.” Cass wipes at her eyes and her nose.
“I figured we could run by the bar and I can show you your apartment. Maybe introduce you to Audrey and the crew. Ya know before Ma gets a hold of ya.”
“Sure, sounds good.”
I follow Cass to her Toyota. I can’t wait to get back on my bike. I haven’t driven it in two years. Every time I would get set to come home, something would come up, and it would make more sense for me to wait. And now it’s too late and my brother is gone. We lost three years that we won’t get to make up. I missed our grandfather’s funeral and now I missed out saying goodbye to my brother, my best friend. I want to see the place that I am to call home, but I don’t know how I am going to deal not having Joe around. Sure I’ve been away while I was enlisted and serving my tour of duty, but this is Clemons, where I grew up, with my brother by my side.
The drive to the bar goes quickly. The front windows are tinted lightly to allow privacy. The brick has been painted black and the gold sign out front really stands out.
A few potted plants decorate the side patio. A sense of pride washes over me. Joe and Cassie really fixed this place up and made it look classy.
Inside, a brunette with hot legs is leaning across the bar and eating the fruit from the bar. She sees me staring and her face turns pale. The strawberry she was just devouring hits the bar top and her mouth hangs open. I don’t know whether to be insulted or flattered. I keep looking to her, something about her is so familiar, but I don’t know why.
Cassie comes in behind me and nudges me in the rib. “Audrey come meet Cam.”
Fuck, the hottie is my brother’s girl. I should have known by the way he talked about her in his emails.
Audrey picks her jaw up and waves awkwardly, and then it hits me how much I must look like Joe to her even though my hair is different from his.
Suddenly I want that beer I wanted to have with Joe.
“I can’t,” Audrey whispers and runs to the kitchen.
“She’s having a really hard time,” Cassie offers as explanation.
“We all are Cass!” I snap at her making an excuse for Audrey. She doesn’t need one. I know it must fucking hurt to see my face.
I help myself to a beer. My sister starts to comment and I give her the stink eye to shut her up. I can have a goddamn beer before noon if I want to. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I take up the stool at the end of the bar.
“Sweet mother of a ghost.” Lewis crosses his chest and kisses my cheek. “Been a while handsome.”
“Long time no see man.” I down the rest of my beer.
“Guess your mug showing up explains why Audrey is in the cooler having a panic attack.”
“Damn it Lewis, is she okay?” Cassie squawks.
“On the verge of slitting her wrists like every other day.”
“I’ll go check on her. Sooner she gets used to my face the better things will be I guess,” I say starting to get up.
“Let me go.” Cass shoves around me. “Lewis can show you upstairs to your apartment.”
“Looks like I get you all to myself sweet thing.” He flashes his trademark dimpled smile at me.
“Lewis, we both know there isn’t a damn thing about me that’s sweet.” I chuckle as we head out the front door and around the side of the building to the apartment entrance.
Lewis hands me a set of keys. “The red one unlocks the stairwell, the blue one is for the bar, and the green one is for your apartment. Cassie has the apartment on the right and you are next to Audrey on the left and share the balcony with her. Cass said the walls were too thin and you weren’t here to argue.” He giggles.
“Right.” I roll my eyes and run my hand over my head.
I take the keys and Lewis returns to the bar to finish opening for the lunch crowd.
My apartment is bare other than a couch and appliances. It’s all I need for now. I know Ma will want me to stay with her, but with the way I sleep, or the way I don’t sleep I should say, I’d feel better being here. But first, I need to get my motorcycle. It’s in the garage at my parent’s house. I can’t wait to get out on the road and clear my head.
I keep seeing Audrey’s hurt expression in my head. What can I do though? I can’t change my face. I go to lock up and head downstairs when I hear her sobs melting through my wall.
I hate to hear a woman cry, it triggers feelings and memories I don’t want to think of. My hands start to shake, I have to grip the kitchen counter and take a deep breath. My mind flashes to a year ago.
I’m doing door to door checks for members of al-Qaeda. Dario Erol is believed to be in this poor farming village. Kicking in the door I am met by a woman with a newborn clinging to her breast. She’s crying and shoving the baby into my arms saying she doesn’t have milk to feed him. Checking her home while holding her baby wasn’t at the top of my list, but she refused to take him back. His cry was weak, hungry. I knew he was going to die, and there was nothing I could do for either of them.
A loud crash snaps me out of the past. Audrey, Joe’s girl. Sounds like she’s breaking plates.
I don’t know what to do, I’m afraid of setting her off more. I hesitate unsure of what to do. I don’t know if I can handle her mental break
down while trying to keep from having one of my own.
Cassie saves me from the burden of decision when she knocks lightly and asks if I am ready to head over to see Ma.
I take a deep breath and scrub my hands over my face. “Yeah,” I call out, hoping my voice holds.
Cassie
“Is living next to me going to be a problem for Audrey?” Cam questions as we get in the car.
“I don’t think so. I mean, she will get used to seeing you, in time. She really loved Joe, ya know?” I hope that Cam being around might do Audrey some good. Be the hard dose of reality she needs to snap her back to the land of the living. I’m not saying she needs to start dating. However, getting out of her manic depressive spiral would be a start.
“Is she paying us rent for her apartment? How does that all work?”
I swallow and think of my next words carefully. Cam, like Ma, doesn’t seem to be an Audrey fan. He doesn’t know her, yet. She’s a wonderful person, she’s just a bit lost right now. Joey kept her grounded. He was her world.
“As I’ve told you, Audrey was living with Joe, well he was planning to propose that night. He had asked Ma for Grandma Mundie’s ring. It was in his pocket when he died…” I have to choke back my tears to continue. If only I was a good sister and had just been happy for him. I shake my head continuing with what I want to say. “Joe, well...you know how practical he was. He had a plan for everything. He knew he wanted to spend his life with Audrey from the start. When Grandfather left us the money, Joe had a will made up.” I steal a glance at my brother. He’s looking out the window, only when he looks at me and nods for me to finish I see that he is listening. “He left his part of the business and his apartment to Audrey, she’s now our third partner.”
“Huh,” he says with a grunt. “Guess Ma wasn’t happy about that.”
“She hasn’t said much about it surprisingly.”
His knee is bouncing, and I wonder if being home is too much for him. What I know that our family doesn’t is that Cameron was discharged six months ago. He’s been in a mental health facility, until yesterday. Joe didn’t even know. That’s the real reason he couldn’t attend Joe’s memorial, he didn’t have clearance for his safety and ours. The first few months he was in the hospital he was violent, and would have episodes where he thought he was still in combat, and well…it wasn’t pretty.
“Hey, you okay?” I ask as we pull up to our childhood home.
“Just ready to take my bike out. Dad said he had it serviced last week and took it down the block.”
Cam has always had a habit of running away when things get to be too much. I wasn’t shocked when he enlisted in the Army at the rate he was going. Smoking pot and stealing cars. Not exactly something you want to stick around and face punishment for. He’s no longer a troubled youth, beside me now is a hardened man.
The birdhouse mailbox greets us as I park. The boys built it, and I painted it for Mother’s Day, years ago. I can’t believe it’s still standing, we did such a crap job, but Ma loved it. She made dad put it on a post first thing that morning.
Cam stretches his legs and makes to get out. Ma and Dad are already running out the door and down the steps of the white two-story colonial. Ma is crying of course, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing his cheeks.
Even our hard ass dad has a few wet streaks on his face as he pats Cameron on the back gruffly. “Welcome home son.” His brown eyes crinkle as he tries to hide his tears.
Only thing missing is Joe. It still doesn’t seem real that he’s gone.
I trail behind, following them inside.
Fake flower arrangements from the funeral are still on display, Ma won’t part with them. Cards of condolences also clutter the coffee table in the living room. Dad sits in his recliner, Cameron takes up the loveseat, leaving me to sit on the couch with Ma.
Pictures of our youth paper the walls. I don’t miss being dressed to match Cam. Ma always loved buying us matching Dick and Jane outfits.
“Is your bag in the car?” Ma asks.
“Nah, it’s at the apartment. I just came over to grab some things and pick up my bike. I’m eager to pick up where Joe left off with the business. I’m sure Cass could use a break. I take it she’s been running things alone since everything.”
“Nonsense, you’re staying here tonight. I’m cooking your favorite. We have people coming.”
“Damn it Ma!” Cam snaps. “I’m not in the mood for that.”
Her chin trembles with unshed tears. My brother shoves up from his chair, stomping through the house, and going out the back door.
“Let me go,” I tell her raising from my chair before she can charge after him.
Out back, I find him on his knees at Joe’s grave. I hang back a minute giving him this moment to be alone and accept that our brother is truly gone.
Cameron
Gasping for air, I rush out the back door clutching my chest. Across the patio I see my brother’s grave in the family cemetery, solidifying he’s gone. I walk over and fall to my knees at his headstone. “Joe,” I grit out. “What were you thinking brother? You always were stubborn. You aren’t here to take the focus off me and my fuck ups. I need ya brother.”
Tracing my fingers over the edges of his name on the marble, I wish like hell I was lying here instead of him. Joe was the good kid, the one who was meant to have a good life, making our family proud. Not me, I’m the screw up.
“I saw your girl this morning. I can see why you fell for her, she’s a beauty. I don’t think she much cares for my ugly mug,” I joke, knowing he’d find it funny under different circumstances that seeing me had her fleeing the room.
Cassie places a hand on my shoulder and I grip it tight. She doesn’t say a word; she doesn’t need to.
“What times this shindig kicking off?”
“Around five or so. If you don’t want to go through with it, Ma will understand. She is just excited to have you back.”
I know she is; I feel like an ass. I didn’t mean to snap at her, but I don’t need a bunch of fuckers that barely know me making over me like I'm some sort of goddamn hero, or telling me how sorry they are about Joe. I hate that fake sympathy bullshit. Because that is all it is-shit.
“Tell Ma, I’ll be back for her dinner party.”
“Sure thing Cam. Ride safe.”
Cassie knows me better than I know myself most days. Twin-intuition or some shit.
Back inside, I find my keys on the hook by the garage door. I don’t waste anytime firing my girl up and hitting the road.
Gravel flies behind me as I punch it and swerve onto the main road with no idea of where I’m riding to. I just need a moment to myself before I have to put on a show for Ma and her friends.
I drive around Clemons in search of something, but I don’t know what. I end up at the bar and hanging with Lewis. I forgot how much fun the dude is for a laugh. He shows me the ropes of running the bar.
I can tell he has something on his mind. We’re shooting the shit behind the bar.
“Out with it Lewis, you have something to say to me.”
“I just want you to take it slow, no need to dive in head first and overwhelm yourself is all. I’m just saying I got you is all.”
“Appreciate it man, but I’m good. I need to jump in and get into a routine.”
He’s serving drinks and I take this time to get to know the faces of my employees and our usual customers. I’m doing good, nothing is setting off my anxiety, until Audrey comes out of the kitchen and stares at me. I try my best to ignore her, but every breath I take I can feel her watching me, studying me, mentally comparing me to my brother.
It’s too much, I feel as if I am drowning under her scrutiny. I can’t stop looking at her either though. My mind seems to think we know each other; I keep trying to place her face.
She’s everywhere I go. I even see her peeping from the backdoor when I throw out the trash.
I wait a few minutes and go to the employee
bathroom to wash my hands. When I come out she is outside the door, going into the DJ booth.
Having had enough, I snap. “What the fuck do you keep starting at me for!”
She doesn’t answer me and continues to stare, even though the bar has gone quiet and everyone is watching, waiting for something more to happen.
I try to ignore her and go back to serving beer from the tap.
I can feel her eyes piercing my skin. I’m not used to being so affected by a woman.
I walk out from behind the bar, grab her by her elbow, and pull her down the hall where the bathrooms are. She comes without hesitation, letting me pull her into the privacy of the storeroom for the mops and other cleaning supplies.
I flip on the light still holding onto her. Only now that we are closed up in the small room together do I catch a scent of her; she smells of fresh honeysuckle. Delicious. Her sad green eyes try to hold me captive as she longs for my brother. I shake my head, I’m not Joe, never will be.
I won’t be any man’s stand in.
“Look, it’s Audrey right?” I try to be nice and keep my cool.
Her lashes flutter and she smiles faintly. Her beauty steals my breath away and I am hit with a sense of Déjà vu. I suck in a deep breath. She doesn’t need to be looking at me like I’m her lifeline. I’m nobody’s hero.
“I’m not Joe, I’m not that sweet man. I’m an asshole. I don’t give a shit about your feelings, or the fact that he was supposedly going to marry you. I don’t need you staring at me. I don’t need you hating me for having a face like his. I don’t need your self-pity bullshit! So stay out of my way and I’ll do my best to stay of yours.” I know it sounds harsh, but she needs to be clear that I won’t have her following me around like a lost puppy.
She gawks at me, her mouth opens and shuts. Her somber eyes widen with shock, and her hand comes up to touch me, but my reflexes are too quick. I shoot her down, knocking her hand away.
When It Rains Page 3