The Moment of Letting Go

by J. A. Redmerski

I look at the bathroom door, stirring the silence, and say, “Well, I need to … go in.”

  He nods, his eyes softening as he steps away.

  “I’ll be outside waiting for you,” he says. “And remember what I said about Kendra, all right?”

  “All right.” I smile and slip inside the restroom. The second the door closes behind me, I let out my breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding.

  Luke

  Kendra is on my ass the second I walk back outside and sit down with my food, as I knew she’d be.

  “What are you doing, Luke?”

  “Leave it alone, Ken-doll—”

  “Don’t call me that,” she snaps. “Seriously, what’s going on with you?”

  “Jesus, Kendra, leave the guy alone,” Seth says as he walks by with a hot brunette latched to his side. “I’ll see yah later, man. I’m heading back to the house.” He squeezes the girl’s waist and pulls her closer, his way of telling me she’s going back with him.

  I wave him on and swallow down a bite of burger. “All right. I’ll see yah later—hey, leave the pizza in the fridge alone!”

  He nods and slips around the side of the house.

  Kendra hasn’t taken her hardened gaze off me long enough to blink. Finally I look right at her, because she’s starting to piss me off, and I say, “You really need to back off. I’m not joking, Kendra; I love you and all, but last time I checked, your name wasn’t on my birth certificate.” I take another bite.

  Her small face falls under wounded wrinkles, and instantly I feel like an asshole. Shaking her head, she spears her fork angrily into her potato salad and moves it around to keep from looking at me.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell her. “Look, she’s only gonna be here for two weeks. I don’t see her getting involved with me knowing she can’t stay here.”

  Kendra looks up.

  “What about the other way around?” she asks with accusation in her voice.

  She got me on that one, I can’t deny … to myself, anyway; to Kendra is another story.

  “I’m not going to get involved,” I tell her. “And even if I did—damn, Kendra, it’s none of your business.”

  She looks hurt again, but this time I don’t relent.

  “Well, it’s the truth,” I go on. “And what makes you think I haven’t decided to turn to the Seth side and I’m not just taking her home for a night?” That felt odd and sour coming out of my mouth. Because it couldn’t be further from the truth, but I don’t know what else to say to get Kendra off my case.

  She guffaws, catching me off guard, and then drops her head and says, “Yeah right. You’re not cut out for the Seth side. Not anymore anyway. And that girl isn’t the one-night-stand type, and you know it.”

  I look away and poke at my food.

  “I’m just looking out for you,” Kendra says, dropping the humor. Then she leans forward awkwardly so her loose white tank doesn’t fall into her food. “She’s afraid of heights, Luke. Heights, of all things. If it weren’t for that blatant fucking red flag I wouldn’t be saying shit to you right now.” She pulls back and sits upright again.

  Kendra makes a very valid point. She knows, I know, we ALL know relationships never work out with someone who doesn’t get our lifestyle, but I refuse to let her know I get it.

  “I’m not getting involved,” I say simply and go back to my meal just as Sienna is coming down the steps of the lanai.

  I reach over and move Sienna’s plate from her chair as she approaches, holding it for her until she takes her seat again. Her eyes pass over Kendra, but her beautiful smile remains in place and it only makes me like her more. I know she’s probably wondering what’s up with Kendra exactly, maybe even if Kendra and I used to go out or something, but I guess this isn’t the time or place to get into those kinds of details.

  Sienna looks over at me. I smile back at her and notice her glance at Kendra once more. I’m starting to wish I hadn’t brought her here, and I probably wouldn’t have if I’d known Kendra was going to be here too.

  “I really need to be getting back to my hotel,” Sienna says kindly. “I’m exhausted.”

  I nod and get up with my half-eaten plate of food in my hand.

  “Yeah, sure, not a problem. I’ll take you back now.”

  Sienna said in the hallway that she was having a great time, but I think for the most part she was just being nice. In fact, I know it. And I feel like a total dick for bringing her here and making her feel uncomfortable.

  But I still have time to fix this.

  I take Sienna’s plate and stack it on top of mine.

  “It was nice meeting you,” she says to Kendra.

  Kendra smiles in return. “You, too,” she says and I’m glad there wasn’t any underlying meaning behind her expression that Sienna might’ve detected—at this point, I think Kendra knows better than to push me any further than she already has.

  We leave and head for the bus station.

  While on the bus I look over at Sienna and say, “I just want you to know that Kendra is just a friend. Well, she’s more than that—she’s like a sister to me, but that’s it.”

  Sienna smiles softly and I’m not sure if she believes me or not.

  “It’s all right,” she says. “Even if she was ever something more, it’s none of my business anyway.”

  She doesn’t believe me. Dammit!

  “I’m serious,” I tell her and lean forward from the seat so I can get her full attention. “I know she seems—”

  “No, really,” Sienna cuts in, “it’s OK. You don’t have to explain anything to me.”

  “Actually, I do,” I say right away.

  She blinks, but says nothing.

  “Look, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, and if anyone I know can pull that off, it’s Kendra, but I didn’t know she was going to be at the barbecue.” I pause because I realize I’m just jumping around the point, and then decide to do what I always do—be vague. “She was my brother’s girlfriend.” I pause again, because I don’t like to talk about it and every time I start to, even when at first I feel like it’s going to be OK and that I can get through it, I realize that I can’t.

  I fall back against the bus seat, resting my head and looking up at the fiberglass ceiling.

  “Are you OK, Luke?” Sienna’s voice is so sweet and caring that I wish it were closer—she’s not even touching me and I feel like her arms are wrapped around me in solace.

  My head falls to the side and I look at her.

  “I’ll be fine if you tell me that you’ll spend the entire day with me tomorrow.” I smile softly and brace myself because all I want in the world right now is for her to say yes.

  Slowly, her lips spread amid her delicate freckled face and my insides begin to warm just looking at her.

  “I had hoped that’s what I’d be doing the whole two weeks,” she says, and my heart stops beating for a moment.

  She blushes and starts to look downward—she does that a lot, I’ve noticed, and I think it’s adorable. I reach over and fit my fingers underneath her chin, keeping her gaze on me.

  “Are you blushing?” I ask with a grin.

  She blushes harder.

  Damn, she needs to stop doing that! I like it a little too much …

  My hand drops from her chin and I raise my back from the seat, propping my elbows on my legs. “I had hoped the same thing,” I admit, and then top it off with some humor. “I mean, come on, I didn’t try to talk you into staying in Hawaii just so you could spend all your time alone.”

  She smiles, but then again, she never really stopped.

  “But what about your job … or jobs?” she asks. “I guess I didn’t think about that,” she adds apologetically.

  “Hey, don’t you worry about that,” I tell her with a wink. “Let’s just say I’ve sort of got vacation time of my own saved up—I can work around it.”

  She seems to be pondering, her lips in a cute little pucker.

  And then she giv
es in. “OK, but no more barbecues,” she says. “I’d rather see where you live than your friends.”

  That takes me by surprise, but naturally I feel compelled to screw with her head. I grin and say, “Oh, so you wanna see my place? So soon?”

  Her hazel eyes widen and she bumps my knee with hers.

  “You are unbelievable,” she jokes. “Well, if that’s what you think, then you’re more full of yourself than I thought you were.”

  I laugh and leave it at that.

  When we arrive back at the resort, I walk her as far as the lobby, where we stop among the grandeur laid out in marble and expensive furniture and strategically placed plants. Tourists come and go from the nearby elevator. Sienna stands with her bag draped over one shoulder, her fingers interlocked down in front of her. Her long, dark auburn hair hangs loosely over her shoulders, dropping just below her breasts, and her bangs are cut short just above her eyebrows. Even unbrushed and a little rough at the ends from being in the ocean all day, it still looks soft enough I’d like to run my fingers through it.

  “So what’s on the agenda for tomorrow?” she asks, beaming at me.

  I raise a playful brow, cross one arm over my stomach and rub my chin with the other hand in pretend contemplation. “Hmmm,” I begin, “how about I pick you up at ten—is that too early?”

  She shakes her head. “No, ten is perfect.”

  “Awesome. I have to stop by the community center not far from here,” I say. “And then after that, I’m all yours.”

  “Is that where the art event will be?”

  I nod. “Yeah, but we won’t stay long,” I say casually. “I just need to check on a few things. I promised Melinda that I’d stop in—she’s like fifty, so don’t get any ideas.” Sienna blushes again, trying her best not to smile too broadly.

  She thinks on it for just a fraction of a second.

  “I look forward to it,” she says. “And I don’t mind how long we stay, for the record.”

  “Great.” I can’t stop smiling.

  Neither can she.

  A hotel guest walks by carrying a cup of coffee in his hand and we both glance at him momentarily, probably for the same reason, just to stir the silence between us.

  “Well, I guess I’ll see you in the morning then,” she says.

  Damn, I want to kiss her. It’s killing me!

  She takes a step back, and even though I’m not exactly sure that’s a sign she doesn’t want me to, I don’t take any chances and I bury my hands in my pockets instead. Then I pull out my phone and run my finger over the screen.

  “Want to give me your number?”

  Her eyes light up, and that makes me smile.

  I tap in her number as she tells me and I send her a text message. I hear her phone inside the bag on her shoulder alert her of the message and she reaches inside. I try to smother back my smile. I couldn’t help myself.

  My stomach is a ball of nerves—I’ve never been this nervous around a girl before. What the hell is wrong with me?

  Sienna looks down into her phone and her skin flushes.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow at ten,” I say, and leave it at that, walking away with my hands in my pockets, a permanent smile on my face, and her face permanently etched in my mind.

  TWELVE

  Sienna

  You’re staying for two weeks?” Paige’s voice on the other end of the phone is almost loud enough to be unpleasant. “I’m at a loss. Seriously! Who are you and what have you done with my best friend? Y’know, workaholic Sienna Murphy who wouldn’t even go out to Sage’s Steakhouse last month with Alex Miller, sex on legs and rich to boot?!”

  “There’s something about Luke,” I tell her, holding my cell phone against my ear with my shoulder drawn up near my face to free my hands as I paint my toenails. “I can’t explain it, but I just feel … drawn to him.”

  “Drawn to him?” I can picture Paige’s face all scrunched up in her head. “What, like pheromones or something?” She laughs. “Hey, I admit the guy is delicious; you’ll get no argument from me, but I’m worried.”

  “What’s there to worry about—oh dammit!” I look down to see turquoise nail polish soaked into the stark white bedsheet where a glop had fallen from the end of the brush before I could catch it on the rim of the bottle. “There’s another charge on my credit card. Just great.” I set the nail polish aside on the nightstand and get up from the bed, still with the phone held against my ear by my shoulder, and I walk awkwardly across the room on my heels.

  “It’s just not like you,” Paige rambles on. “I’ve tried to hook you up with several guys, but you usually had an excuse not to go, or you’d never see them again afterward if you did.”

  “OK, but I don’t get what’s got you so worried.”

  I set the phone on the bathroom counter and run my finger over the speaker icon and Paige’s voice appears—should’ve done that while trying to paint my toenails on the bed.

  I hoist my right foot on the edge of the counter.

  “Well, we haven’t even gone on our vacation yet,” Paige says, her voice funneling from the tiny speaker into the confined space. “If you take the plunge and fall in love at twenty-two, you’ll be barefoot and pregnant by the time you’re twenty-four, living in a trailer somewhere with ugly wallpaper, waiting for your boyfriend who works for minimum wage to come home so you can bring him a beer while he sits on his ass and watches wrastling.”

  I laugh out loud, holding a cotton ball doused in nail polish remover over my big toe.

  “What’s so funny, Sienna? I’m being serious here. Bitches get serious with guys and it’s like parts of their brains stop functioning. You don’t care anymore if there’s no condom, or if you forgot to take your pill, and you blame getting knocked up on the heat of the moment—life ruined!”

  “Wrastling,” I say, still with laughter in my voice.

  I carefully dab the cotton ball around the edge of my toe to clean away the nail polish where it’s not supposed to be.

  “Are you making fun of the way I talk?”

  “Paige,” I say seriously, “I’m not going to even have sex with him, much less be having his babies. It’s just a vacation. One I think I’ve earned. We’ll still go on vacation together soon, I promise.” After inspecting my toenails, I drop the cotton ball in the toilet and my foot back on the floor.

  “Why are you being so uptight, anyway?”

  She sighs. “Honestly?”

  “Well, yeah,” I say. “Out with it!”

  “I’m jealous! There, I said it!”

  My laughter fills the bathroom.

  “Jealous I might get knocked up and move into a trailer with ugly wallpaper?”

  Paige snorts when she laughs.

  “No! I just wish I was there on vacation with you. Stupid family reunions!”

  We laugh together.

  I take the phone from the counter and head outside on the balcony. I hear live music coming from below, faint in the distance. Drums and voices pounding and echoing into the night. The orange glow of fire is cast against the black backdrop of the ocean under the night sky. I want to go out there and see what’s going on, but I know I need to get some rest. I want to be well rested for tomorrow because I have a feeling Luke and I will be running around all day. And I’m excited and eager and so many things I never knew I could be all at the same time. And he’s all I can think about.

  Maybe Paige is right—this is very different from any other guy I’ve ever been involved with before, and we’re not even going out.

  In a way, it kind of scares me too.

  “Paige, I need your opinion on something.” I pick the phone up from the table and turn the speakerphone off, putting it to my ear instead, as if I need the privacy.

  “That’s what I’m here for,” she says eagerly.

  Hesitating for a moment, I look out at the black ocean, listening to the waves crash underneath the stars, and I think about what happened earlier tonight.

 
“Well, Luke took me to a barbecue with some of his friends, and there was this girl there—”

  “Uh-oh,” she cuts in, already not liking where this might be going. “Was she pretty?”

  “Adorable,” I say. “She seemed kind of tomboyish—”

  “Lesbian?” she interrupts again, this time with a little hope in her voice.

  “No. I doubt it. Luke said she was his brother’s girlfriend. But she just seemed kind of … I don’t know—”

  “Jealous?”

  “Maybe. But not really.” I hate how difficult this is for me to explain, or rather to understand myself.

  “Either they used to go out,” she says right away as if she’s an expert, “or they’ve been friends with benefits. Or she has a thing for him. You say she’s tomboyish—y’think she could kick your ass?”

  “Uh, I don’t know, Paige,” I say with confusion. “Besides, I didn’t get that kind of vibe from her. It wasn’t like that.”

  “Well, my question would be why would he take you around a girl like that in the first place? It’s like he’s showing off or something, letting you see how other girls like to fawn over him.”

  “No, it wasn’t like that at all, either,” I defend. “She was already there when Luke and I showed up. He even apologized when we were alone and said he wouldn’t have brought me if he knew she’d be there.”

  “Aha!” I picture her index finger shooting upward.

  “What?”

  “He wouldn’t have brought you if he’d known,” she repeats, preparing to make a point. “Proof right there that something has gone on between them and he knew the girl might be a problem. Think about it—if she was just his friend, she wouldn’t have any reason to make you question what kind of relationship they have. After he met me on the beach did he ever ask you if we’ve ever been more than friends?”

  My nose crumples between my eyes. “No.” I laugh. “Why would he ask that?”

  “My point exactly,” she says. “I didn’t give him any reason to think that, and that’s why he never asked. He slept with that girl. You can bet your ass on it, Sienna.”

  I feel a pang in my stomach.

  “Well, that doesn’t mean anything,” I say, still trying to defend Luke, but finding it harder to do. “So what if they’ve slept together. That doesn’t mean they’re still doing it, and it’s not really his fault if she still has a thing for him.”