Noob Game Plus

by Ryan Rimmel

  “That is an accurate statement,” replied the demon. “Did you think all magic behaved the same?”

  “Nope,” I stated and cast Holy Blast several more times in quick succession. It was like a magical machine gun. My Holy Blast functioned as a weak, barely useful, magic machine gun. Neat. “Are they done talking yet?”

  “Several of them have moved out of Merideth’s Secrecy Aura,” stated Shart. She had a passive effect that made people outside the radius of her effect have trouble understanding the conversation around her. Shart could see if people were under its effects. Up to a few moments ago, everyone in their little party was.

  I peered through the bushes. “Jerry is coming. Only took him four minutes.”

  “Doesn’t count until he gets here,” stated Badgelor, who had taken over in his little bet with Shart.

  Before I could say another word, Badgelor expanded to his Ultimate form. I leapt onto his back and looked off into the distance. I hoped it appeared that I was checking my menus but in a glorious manner.

  “Just him?” I asked, after I heard a loud thud. “Did he just -”

  “Yup, he just tripped over a root,” stated Shart. Jerry had been running after us, so I supposed it was possible he just mis-stepped. Possibly.

  “Are you sure you shouldn’t have scared him off and kept the girl?” asked Badgelor.

  “She seemed somewhat smarter,” I said, but I had my doubts. Jerry seemed the right combination of brave and stupid. After dealing with Sir Dalton, I had a pretty good idea how to handle brave and stupid. I waited patiently for another minute. Jerry pulled himself up and then walked right past us.

  “Damn it,” I said as five minutes expired.

  “Damn it,” Shart repeated. “I just lost that bet.”

  Badgelor chuckled. “Never underestimate human incompetence. They really are the worst.”

  “The absolute worst,” agreed Shart. “Why do we hang around them again?”

  “For laughs?” suggested my furry butt wart. Badgelor glanced after Jerry, before turning serious again. “He’s nervous.” We watched as Jerry stumbled again. “He must be great in combat.”

  “Hush, he’s just frantically looking for help at the moment. He isn’t paying any attention,” I replied.

  “We are in a sunbeam,” stated Badgelor, still holding his posture. Posing majestically, Badgelor looked fierce, and I thought I looked wise. We were a pair right out of a storybook. We were the white knights, coming out of the sun just when people needed us the most.

  Jerry finally yelled, “Jim! We need your help.”

  “I’m behind you,” I said, trying to keep the impatience out of my voice. Jerry spun around, spotting us. From his new vantage point, there was a tree and a bush in the way. All he could see was part of my head and Badgelor’s tail.

  “Oh, you were taking a dump,” he said. Apparently, my exasperated face and my dropping-a-deuce face were similar. Good to know.

  “Nope, just standing here,” I ground out.

  Jerry rushed through the bush, tripped again, and landed in the only mud puddle in the area. Globs of mud flew toward us. like a claymore mine. Several splattered over my clean armor. One large chunk flew right into Badgelor’s nose.

  An instant later, Badgelor sneezed in a most unheroic fashion. The sudden bucking motion caused me to fall off my steed and land in a heap, directly in front of Jerry. I got to my feet an instant before he managed to look up. Badgelor had turned away to paw at his nose desperately. Shart was, as usual, laughing hysterically.

  “Did he just sneeze?” asked Jerry.

  “No, that is an ancient War Badger Battle Cry,” I replied evenly. “Badgelor senses trouble.”

  Jerry paused, turning to face Badgelor in wonder. “Amazing. So, he knows that someone is attacking Lorraine’s estate?”

  “We suspected it,” I nodded sagely, which was true. Simply put, if the undead started attacking the nearby towns, as Shart had said, the villagers would logically reach out to their military to defend them. Based on that, I had just gathered up a large enough army to deal with my worst-case undead projections and started marching them back home.

  “Lorraine was wondering if you might come with us and aid us in our fight against the undead.”

  “Of course,” I replied, “That’s what adventurers do.”

  Chapter 44 – Undead Horde vs. the Army of the North

  “You need to get a horse,” stated Badgelor, as we continued riding to the northeast with our group of small armies. There was a group of armies, because no one in the hastily formed party had enough ranks in War Leader to control all these troops at the same time. I, of course, did, but nobody knew that yet.

  Back in Windfall, all I ever had to worry about was one man equaling one Command Point. I’d eventually had sergeants that allowed me to use less command to get the same number of soldiers into battle. That effectively had increased the number of men I could deploy. Eventually, we hit a point where we had enough sergeants that I stopped thinking about the troops' quantity and started to work on quality.

  That was not the case here. In the entire group, only Lorraine and Nick had War Leader, but neither of them had advanced beyond the first rank. Battles with little to no risk didn’t give out many Skill Points.

  Lorraine’s army of 300 troops had one lieutenant and eight sergeants. She didn’t have a single large unit. She had a medium-sized unit with a bunch of reserve soldiers. Her entire force would have required a command of over 183. However, she could deploy 130 of those men, using only 13 Command Points out of her total of 20. Her force looked impressive enough. On the whole, Lorraine’s unit was better equipped than my Dashing Dandies, sigh, but they were not a well-led military unit.

  “Zorlando would hate this,” I muttered.

  “Which one is he again?” asked Shart.

  “Ashe’s boyfriend,” replied Badgelor.

  “Not ringing any bells,” said Shart.

  “The one who would climb up the balcony when Jim was away and wrestle with the maid on Jim’s bed,” stated Badgelor.

  “Dude,” I replied, disgusted, “Don’t let people do that!”

  “In my defense, she bribed me,” stated Badgelor innocently.

  “Oh, the guy who was doing all that weird stuff to Ashe. I remember him!” stated Shart.

  “Wait, you don’t remember anyone’s names. How do you remember Ashe?” I asked.

  “She’s always drawing knives on you. It's hilarious,” stated Shart. “Plus, I caught her and what’s his face having sex in your workshop once.”

  “Really?” I groaned. “Any place you two haven’t caught them having sex?”

  Badgelor paused for a minute. “Um, I don’t think they’ve done it in the Town Hall.”

  “I think he means in the house,” replied Shart.

  “They did it everywhere in that house,” stated Badgelor confidently. “Everywhere.”

  On Earth, I’d had a vein over my eyebrow that would occasionally twitch when one of my kids did something particularly stupid. That, at least, had followed me to Ordinal.

  “He’s acting weird again,” groaned Shart.

  “Jim, do you want to see if I can make Robin crap himself?” asked Badgelor.

  “Again?” questioned Shart. “I can’t see you pulling that off twice in a row.”

  “Is that another bet?” asked Badgelor, chuckling slightly. Shart had lost the last one.

  “Focus,” I snapped. “Shart, is there anything in your bag of tricks that would help me here?”

  “Not from my current position,” stated Shart. “Now would be a good time to cut and run. We can probably make it to the temple while the undead are busy slaughtering everyone.”

  “You should be high enough rank to give out brevet promotions,” stated Badgelor. “They are more expensive than just training sergeants, but sometimes that’s what you need to do.”

  After the last series of battles against the trolls, my War Leader talent
was up to Rank 5. Also, Shart’s bonus to my War Leader allowed me to gain Command Points at a faster rate. That gave me a command limit of 75, which was all sorts of interesting. I was now officially a high enough rank to lead an army.

  “Why do I still have my War Leader talent?” I asked Shart, as I looked through my talent trees.

  “Because I modified the Founder’s perk you got from resettling Windfall into a Warlord perk. You’ll always have that, even if you leave the town,” stated Shart. I understood that, at least in the context that Shart had done funky demonic stuff to me.

  ● War Leader, Command 75. Rank 5, Base 30, Enhanced Command 1 +10, Enhanced Command 2 +10, Demonic Infusion +50%.

  I considered my talent. During my time as commander of the Dashing Dandies, I had taken two ranks of Enhanced Command to expand my Command Limit because gaining ranks in War Leader did very little to increase your limit. I had also taken the Rallying Cry talent and Army of One. Those were active talents that let me better shape the battle I was fighting.

  War Leader was a talent tree, but, unlike Duelist, where you earned one Talent Point every level, you gained War Leader experience. You could use that to buy more talents, because why would Ordinal be consistent with anything? I still had points left, so I found the Undead Fighter talent and chose it.

  I instantly knew quite a bit more about fighting the undead. Some of the information was very counterintuitive. For example, the undead didn’t particularly care about defenses, as long as there were living people to eat. Filing that away for later, I tried to find something else useful. I quickly found what I was looking for, Brevet Promotions. That talent allowed me to upgrade troops, just like the pesky badger had said.

  “So, brevet up a bunch of the experienced units to sergeants,” I said, reading through the tooltip. They cost 2 Command each, but each could control ten other soldiers. That meant I could spend 2 command points to get eleven soldiers, which was a decent value. I could also brevet a trained sergeant into a lieutenant. It cost 10 Command and netted me an additional forty soldiers. Neither brevet ranks granted the other benefits of being an officer, so I was leery of making lieutenants.

  In any case, it was all academic. I was not in command of this ragtag force. I discovered that Lorraine hadn’t even wanted me back, but Merideth had put her foot down. Apparently, Merideth had some pull with her big sister. That left me in a dubious spot at the moment.

  I glanced at the sun’s position. I still had until tomorrow evening, plenty of time before the moon was in position. I had time to save these people and, hopefully, put the local armies to better use than just attacking everyone for shits and giggles.

  Presently, the commanders of this great force were at the head of the column, rapidly discussing the current state of affairs. My Perception skill was active, and I was listening in with half an ear. Nick, whose War Leader rank was almost to rank 2, wanted to take command from Lorraine, who’s War Leader talent was only halfway to 2. His Command Limit was 25, because he’d purchased a talent. That five point difference represented all he needed to make argument after argument toward Lorraine.

  “Sire,” came a voice, and I looked down to see one of Jerry’s lieutenants walking next to me. He was holding a spear, and I groaned inwardly.

  I nodded at him, and he relaxed slightly. “You were using Army of One, were you not?”

  I nodded again, and he continued more confidently, “That’s at least a Rank 3 talent. Am I to assume you have commanded an army in combat before?”

  “Yes, many times,” I said. “Normally versus trolls and goblins, though.”

  He paled. “Trolls have been coming down from the mountains to the north. We’ve been shoving them up against the wall to Grebthar's Lands.”

  “I’ve heard of Grebthar's Lands before. What do you think of them?” I asked curiously. Grebthar's Lands was what they called Windfall Valley. I’d heard hushed whispers about the place before, but I was curious what the regular people thought of the area.

  “Oh, it's west of Falcon Gate. One of the old kings forbade us to go there, out of deference to Grebthar. I’ve heard that healroot grows for days around there, and that there are Progenitor relics hidden around. I’ve even heard a tale about how Windfall used to have a barrier,” he said.

  “A barrier?” I asked.

  “A Progenitor relic from the distant past. Only the capitals of TimSimons and HarCharles still have working ones,” replied the soldier.

  “I’m surprised that there isn’t one in Falcon’s capital,” I said.

  “Technically, Windfall is our capital. It's just that we don’t ever go there. The Vineyards is the temporary capital. Has been my whole life,” he said, chuckling.

  “Your grandfather’s life, as well,’ I said.

  “And his grandfather’s, also,” continued the soldier, openly grinning.

  “Thanks for the history lesson. I’ve only ever heard it called Windfall Valley before,” I said.

  “I believe that's what foreigners call it,” he replied pompously, before realizing who he’d just spoken to. He coughed into his hand. We walked a moment in silence, as he tried to decide whether or not I was offended.

  “Have those two fought in any real battles?” I asked, indicating Nick and Lorraine. It sounded like their conversation was becoming more heated. “Against trolls or anything?”

  The soldier said nothing, but my Sense Motive skill was firing. He was embarrassed but unwilling to speak ill of his commanders.

  “I suppose I could talk to them,” I said, looking down at the man. He sagged visibly.

  “The troops would appreciate it, sire,” said the old soldier. “They are good kids. It is just…”

  “I understand. Let's go,” I said to Badgelor, and we started marching forward. Robin made to interdict me, with no success. Once his horse figured out who was coming, it got out of the way, despite his rider’s efforts.

  “Someone has a low Ride skill,” I chuckled.

  “Mount is of sufficient quality,” said Badgelor, as we walked past. “It's wasted on him, though. Maybe you could take it?” I glanced over at Badgelor. He had remembered he didn’t like anyone riding him very quickly, which left us in a bit of a pickle. Riding got you places much faster than walking.

  “I’ll figure something out,” I said, and Badgelor grumbled. We crossed the threshold to where the commanders’ lively debate continued. They weren’t quite at the swear-in-the-other-one’s-face portion of the discussion, but it was close. Lorraine reached for her sword twice, as Nick called her a fool and a simpleton.

  “Have you figured out which one of you is in charge?” I confidently asked, as I rode up.

  “We are going in as two units, if you must know,” said Lorraine fiercely. “I would not wish to sully my hands with his inept command.”

  “I was explaining that my War Leader talent, Commander in Chief, grants me a +15 Command Limit, but only when I’m in charge of the entire army,” stated Nick, nearly pouting. “If I’m not leading the army, my Command drops to 10.”

  “Oh, that is tiny! Did you take any talents that help your army fight?” I asked.

  He frowned. That was a no. It looked like Nick had just been expanding his Command Limit. Lorraine spun around on me. “My army is bigger. I should be in charge.”

  “That makes as much sense as anything else,” I replied with a smile. “Did your report say how many undead were out there?”

  Lorraine hesitated, but Nick spoke up, “There are at least 600 of them, if you believe her scouting report, which I don’t.” Nick was full of that particular kind of helpfulness where you undercut your teammate whenever possible. This battle was going to be fun.

  “What are you going to do to the enemy, a pincer movement?” I suggested helpfully. My voice was dripping with sweetness.

  “Perhaps. That would explain the separate units,” said Lorraine, as she tried to reconcile her position mentally. A pincer movement was a decent strategy for a well-le
d army against living beings. It was not ideal with the leadership she had versus the enemy she faced. With undead, one solid unit would be better. It would keep the men close and the morale high. She walked on for a moment, before rounding on me again. “Not that any of this matters to you. Frankly, I’m not even sure we need you.

  “No worries, and my name isn’t Frank Lee,” I said.

  She frowned but sighed, “Okay, that was a decent Grebthar joke.”

  “Badgelor?” I asked. He chuckled.

  “Charles called them Dad Jokes, before he went crazy,” stated the badger. I understood that, at least.

  “Which one of you wants me?” I asked, finally getting ready to offer my recruitment speech. Lorraine sneered at me, and Nick just shrugged.

  “Honestly, Chap, I don’t think you will be necessary here,” he said.

  “No worries, I have the Army of One talent. I’ll just follow you guys in and smash up a unit or two of undead,” I said, slowing down slightly.

  Lorraine was a bit quicker on the uptake than Nick. “Jerry mentioned that you were just barreling through his army. I didn’t realize you were a War Leader. We could use your Command Limit in my army. I could appoint you Second in Command.”

  Second in Command was a unique position that allowed you to take command if the primary commander fell in battle. However, from Lorraine’s perspective, the actual benefit was greater. A Second added their Command Limit into the commander’s for their army. Even at War Leader one, someone would add in 10 Command, which was better than nothing.

  “What about Merideth?” I asked.

  “She never bothered with the War Leader talent. She has a lieutenant with her,” Lorraine said, gesturing toward a very well-equipped man. He was diligently watching over his charge.

  “She just didn’t want to pay for a skill book,” stated Robin. Lorraine frowned slightly at that. No one wanted to admit that they had learned War Leader from a book, especially if they hadn’t ever really used the talent before.

  “I’m sorry we are more sophisticated than you simple easterners,” grumbled Nick, before realizing he could also use my Command Limit.