Noob Game Plus

by Ryan Rimmel

  “So, do you want the other 400?” I questioned, holding up four more blocks.

  “I already took one brick. I cannot fight you, anymore,” stated the elf miserably.

  “So? Your people are dying,” I replied, tossing the bricks at Twinkle’s feet. He looked at me even more confused. I added, “This is what real adventurers do.”

  He snatched up the blocks, his eyes boggling at the quantity of thick, healthy healroot. He might have even been crying. Finally, Twinkle spoke. “I will depart this place. You shall not see me again. Know that I will call you an elf buddy, should we ever meet again.”

  “Any idea how I can get to the next floor without fighting the boss, buddy?” I asked.

  Twinkle wrinkled his nose while he considered that. “There is a hidden stairwell, near the boss room.”

  I nodded at him and activated Hide in Plain Sight, vanishing into the dungeon. Once I was well-hidden, I took a moment to look back into the room. Twinkle was indeed crying over the plants

  Chapter 53 - The Badger, The Lich, and the Coffin

  I strolled into the dungeon, hidden from the remaining monsters with my Shadow Meld ability. The monsters on this floor seemed to mostly be the undead variety, and I had to be somewhat careful to avoid them. I stealthily angled through the passages toward the back of the temple.

  “The ritual is progressing slowly,” stated Shart.

  “Is she doing it right?” I asked, concerned.

  “Well, she at least got the first part correct. After that, the summoning began going downhill,” replied Shart. I groaned. “Should I have mentioned that earlier?”

  “You are the worst,” stated Badgelor.

  I tucked behind a section of wall while a half dozen level 32 skeletons walked past me, totally unaware of my presence. I gave them a good once over and decided that I had better things to do than fight my way through them.

  “How much longer until Julia finishes the ritual?” I asked, watching the skeletons turn a corner and vanish from my sight. Badgelor and I continued deeper into the dungeon.

  “About 20 minutes to complete the Ritual of Questioning,” stated Shart, “if she doesn’t screw it up any more than she just did.”

  “What happens if she messes up too badly?” I asked, fully expecting to hate the answer.

  “Um, let us not discuss that,” replied Shart. He was making little pained noises as we carried on. “She is horrible at this.”

  “Could it be the collar?” I asked. It would suck if the blasted thing forced her to summon Shart incorrectly.

  “Maybe she’s summoning the wrong demon intentionally,” stated Badgelor. He rotated his head behind us and tapped me on the shoulder. I cursed and slid behind a pillar, as a massive undead creature that looked a bit like the Gibbering Hulk walked past me.

  “These things should be staying in their rooms,” I growled.

  “I think their Dungeon Master has it in for you,” said Badgelor. “He’s sending out grudge monsters to find and kill you.”

  “Wouldn’t be the first time,” I hissed, using Flash Steps to skip past another creature. Suddenly my Explorer’s Nose started to twitch, and I caught the scent of a treasure chest nearby.

  “What are you doing?” asked Badgelor, as I abruptly changed direction.

  “Treasure,” I replied, and he grew quiet. One thing that was uniform on Ordinal was that everyone liked treasure to an abnormal degree.

  We crept into a small room with a large chest in the middle. Around it were all the trappings of some tomb of horrors, including a coffin that had some powerful undead resting in it.

  “What’s in the coffin?” I asked, as Shart pondered.

  “Um, a lich, I think? Hold on, Julia’s doing something weird,” stated Shart distractedly. Part of me wanted to rush upstairs to help Julia, but more of me wanted to live. Any additional gear could be useful, and I was extremely hopeful for the treasure I was about to receive.

  I reached the chest and produced a lock pick. Examining the lock, I saw that it was deeply cut into the stone and covered in arcane runes and gold foil. It was also magically sealed.

  “You have to kill the monster,” said Badgelor impatiently, before I could figure out what was going on. I looked over at the crypt and considered my options. I didn’t have time for a fight, but I always had time for treasure. Then, it hit me.

  “Badgelor, go full-size and sit on the lid,” I stated.

  Badgelor hopped down, expanded to Ultimate Badger form, and plopped his fat ass on top of the crypt. Whatever magic held the coffin shut faded in an instant.

  A loud voice boomed, “Who dares to defile the crypt of the mighty N’evzuu, the Unliving? Your souls are forfeit to my hellish desires!”

  There was a loud popping sound, and a jet of ancient dust blew from the seam where the lid met the base of the coffin. That was quickly followed by a few thumping sounds and constipated, undead grunting. Badgelor looked at me and dug his claws into the coffin. That lid wasn’t going anywhere.

  I rechecked the chest. Shit, still locked.

  Walking over to the crypt, I decided it was just too grand to be a coffin. I heard a few more thumps near Badgelor’s head. Nodding to myself, I walked over to the other side.

  “Dig your claws in and slide this thing forward about a foot,” I said.

  “Won’t he get out?” replied Badgelor.

  “Naa,” I replied, drawing my sword.

  Badgelor shrugged and slid the coffin lid forward just far enough to expose a pair of struggling feet. They were trying in vain to kick their way free. Executing Hack and Slash paired with a Smite, I removed both of them.

  The undead screamed, and the thrashing grew worse.

  “How dare you strike at N’evzuu, the Unliving! You shall be punished for this!”

  “Bet you can’t slide it forward another foot,” I said to the amused badger.

  Badgelor grinned. The lid moved another foot, exposing the creature up to the knees. I repeated my earlier strike, removing the creature's shins. If you’ve never seen a lich kicking its stump legs up and down while yelling obscenities, it is a sight to behold. With his legs removed, the lich’s hands reached down to pull itself out of the coffin.

  “Do you think this is a sarcophagus or a crypt or what?” I asked.

  “You are in a crypt, Dum Dum. That is a sarcophagus,” replied Shart.

  “Hardly, just look at it! Barely any gold, and the engraving isn’t all that grand. This is just a stone coffin,” stated Badgelor.

  I made several quick slashes with my blade and cut off the hands and the lower part of its now exposed pelvis. “It has to be a sarcophagus. I mean, it's a lich. They have to have some degree of sophistication.”

  When my Hack and Slash came off cooldown, I asked Badgelor to move again. This time I got some ribs and its spine. I also managed to reach in and pull out its magical staff. It was a bit tricky to pull out entirely with the amount of space available, but I carefully managed it. After all, I didn’t want to hurt the poor thing.

  “Check this out. This is a nice magical staff,” I said, looking the rod over. It was nearly five feet tall and covered in sigils and runes. There was an intricately mounted skull on the top. “What kind of skull is that?”

  “Squirrel,” replied Badgelor, “Large one, too. Those are good eating.”

  “I was expecting something eviler,” I said. “Still looks neat.”

  “Eviler is not a word,” said Shart. “You are looking for more evil.”

  “N’evzuu, the Unliving will destroy you,” the lich hissed.

  “Hey, take the compliment on your eviler things,” I said smartly, and Shart groaned. I placed the staff into my dimensional storage. Then, I had Badgelor move the coffin lid again.

  This time, I managed to get all the way up to the shoulders. Badgelor was having an issue keeping the lid from falling, given how wide the coffin was now open. It didn’t matter anymore. By the time I had pulverized ninety percent of
the lich, it couldn’t do anything other than angrily stare at me.

  “You will feel the wrath of N’evzuu, the Unliving,” it hissed at me. I pulled the head up by its bizarre headdress.

  “What the hell kind of name is N’evzuu?” I groaned, looking deeply into its eyes. Of course, the lich tried to mind control me, and, of course, it failed. I glanced at my Mental Resistance Skill Points slowly ticking up and shook my head. “Well, that’s going to take forever.”

  “I will not be mocked,” hissed the lich.

  “I will not be mocked,” I imitated at Badgelor.

  The badger chuckled, “Oh, no, how terrifying. What the hell is on its head?”

  The lich’s bare skull was covered in a massive headdress of blue and gold fabric. It would have extended halfway down its back, if it still had one. The headdress used a form of soft, quality silk that had withstood however long the lich had existed in that container.

  I tied the headdress to my belt and walked back over to the chest. It was still locked.

  “You aren’t going to be much of anything, unless you open up this chest,” I stated.

  “I am immortal! My life force will reset if my physical form is destroyed,” spat the lich.

  “Badgelor, he has a phylactery,” I said, glancing around the room and sniffing loudly.

  “Do you really think he’d be stupid enough to put it in this room?” asked Badgelor.

  “I mean, yes,” I said, gesturing at the coffin. “N’evzuu is clearly not that bright.”

  “I can’t argue that,” grumbled Badgelor, who also started sniffing around.

  “I shall destroy you,” hissed the lich. I jammed some excess headdress into the undead’s mouth, just enough to stop it from speaking. I covered its eyes as well, because they were kind of creepy. In case anyone was wondering, yes, I tied its headdress into a bow to cover its eyes. It looked cute.

  Apparently, Ordinal thought that was enough of a defeat. The magical lock on the chest faded, and I opened the trunk and grinned. Loot!

  ● 237 gold pieces

  ● Ring of the Ram: A Magical Ring that send your targets reeling backwards.

  ● Shield of Dark Vision: Grants you dark vision

  I picked up the medium, square shield and looked about. It was rather dark in the crypt, but just holding the shield didn’t seem to do anything. I used the shield to bonk the lich’s skull and noticed that I could see a small square of light. Pulling up the shield to my eyes, I realized what the effect meant.

  I could see through the shield from behind. When you looked through the shield, everything appeared as if you were looking through a high-quality, night vision camera. Flipping it over, I couldn’t see through the other side. It was a one-way night vision shield. That was handy.

  I slid on the Ring of the Ram and began channeling Mana into it. Like most magical items, it could passively draw from my Mana network. Since I had Mana Control, I could also dump power into it directly for a faster recharge. It took a good thirty seconds to power the ring up, which caused the little gemstones in the ram’s eyes to glow blue.

  Badgelor spat something at my feet. It was a massively ornate jar that had been hidden behind a piece of stone. “The lich checked it fairly often. Its smell is all over it.”

  I unwrapped the headdress from the lich and showed it the jar. The creature’s eyes went wide. “You can’t do this! I’m immortal.”

  Unscrewing the top, I looked in. There was an assortment of mummified bits of whatever the lich had been in its former life. I sucked in some snot, preparing a juicy loogie. “Before I do this, I hear there is a hidden door somewhere.”

  “I know where it is. I will show you,” hissed the lich.

  “Neat.”

  Chapter 54 - Never Give Up

  “Well, this is much easier,” I said, as we strolled through the remaining undead. With the lich in tow, they seemed to be more inclined than not to leave us alone. Ever since we’d grabbed the lich, the number of other creatures we’d encountered had dropped significantly. I wondered what the Dungeon Master thought. As he was sending all the grudge monsters searching for us, did he believe the lich was still searching for us, as well.

  “Jim, we have a problem,” said Shart.

  “What now?” I sighed, as we walked past the boss room. I spared a moment to look in and spotted some type of massive skeletal war beast. I was imagining a tricked-out, two-horned rhinoceros; a massive creature that had brass caps on all its bones and a glowing void vortex where the horns met.

  “She’s not trying to summon me,” stated Shart.

  “Clever girl, is Julia just going through the motions or something?” I asked consideringly. “Julia is smart. She might have realized someone is coming to save her, so she’s stalling.”

  “That is not what is happening, you total buffoon! She is doing the Ritual of Bonding,” stated Shart.

  “She’s trying to bond with you?” I gasped, suddenly jealous. I realized that it was a strange emotion to have for what amounted to the forced partnership that Shart and I shared, but there it was.

  “Yes, and I’m here in limbo. I’m back up to my full strength. If Julia bonds with me, I’m going to completely overpower her,” stated Shart.

  Shart was, strangely, totally against that for reasons that could be best described as lazy. He didn’t like having to move a human body around, which is what he’d have to do if he mentally overpowered Julia.

  “How close is she?” I asked, as we found the spot on the wall where the stairwell was. I probably could have found the stairwell on my own quickly enough, given how badly my Explorer’s Nose was twitching.

  “Julia has nearly finished,” hissed the demon. That got my attention. I flipped open the secret doorway.

  “Stall her. I’ll be right there,” I said.

  ***

  “Stall her,” thought Shart, as he materialized in the massive, circular room. “How the hell do I stall a human?”

  “Sir,” stated Julia. She was hideous, with stringy brown hair, those substantial fatty lumps on her chest, and only two eyes. There wasn’t a pincher to be seen anywhere. Even considering all his time with Jim and his merry gang of morons, Shart still hated how humans looked. He tried not to gag, but it was hard. The only upshot was that Julia knew how to address him.

  “Yes,” stated Shart. To his amazement, his voice was a deep bass that caused the nearby stone to vibrate. He spared a moment to look down at his massive, clawed fist, his perfect red skin. He was normal. Even in Limbo, he’d been stuck in his annoying, shoulder demon form. However, getting summoned forced him to be shunted through the tower, restoring him to his usual power level after all these long decades. Well, in human terms, like a month. When you operated at a 200 to 1 timescale, a month seemed like decades. “What do you seek, mortal?”

  “I wish to bond with you,” she said confidently.

  Shart laughed, the stones that made up the entire building trembling. Stall, schmall, I’ll just scare her off and then wait for Jim. “I see you do not understand the gravity of your request. If I bond with you, your life force, your essence, and your soul will be consumed!”

  “I have been led to understand that if I bond with you, Sir,” she said, retaining all her previous confidence, “You are required to fulfill whatever request I make in the process.”

  “That is true. I would be bound to comply with whatever goal you chose to forfeit your existence for,” replied Shart, no longer confident that she would decide to run off.

  “I will trade my soul for you to destroy the Dark Overlord,” she proclaimed.

  Shart paused for a long moment. Damn it, damn it, damn it! All I had to do was wait a freaking month in meat-time, and I wouldn’t have felt compelled to go along with that stupid plan to summon Jim at all. Nooo, gets impatient, and what do I do? I jump the gun. It's these foolish mortals! They bring out the worst in me.

  “What you say has merit,” stated Shart, quickly thinking throu
gh his options. The had laid out the rules for demonic intervention in the material world, and those rules specifically precluded Shart from acting directly against anyone. He’d have to train her to defeat the Dark Overlord.

  A member of the Falconian Royal House wasn’t a terrible choice, as far as things went. Her bloodline had a powerful trait that would allow her to do a pretty solid job, and, if she took the training seriously, she would be a great candidate. If hadn’t already spent all the resources to summon Jim, she would be an ideal choice.

  However, even the remarkable trait of the rulers of Falcon wasn’t anything compared to UnBound. It wasn’t just that Jim could learn any class, either. He could achieve Max Level quickly by hitting a lower level in multiple classes. For Shart, that meant getting back to the tower much faster than if he had to train a ‘normal’ adventurer. That made his decision very easy.

  “You will have to complete the Oath,” stated Shart, remembering the longest and most sacred Oath he could remember. “It’s the greatest of Oaths. Will you do this for me?”

  “Yes, Master,” she said. Master was one of Shart’s favorite words. Alas, he would have to stall.

  “You know the rules, and so do I. You must promise...” began Shart.

  Chapter 55 - Top Floor

  We crept out the tunnel right next to the Dungeon Core. Behind the Core, I could see the stairwell that we should have taken to get here. I looked at the Core and then glanced over to Badgelor.

  “You have to defeat the dungeon,” stated Badgelor.

  “Avoiding all the major monsters should count,” I grumped.

  “It doesn’t,” stated the badger. We continued sneaking onto the roof of the ruined temple. Aside from the large chamber that contained the Dungeon Core, there was a raised platform that extended out into the open air.