by Max Hudson
But then he pulled me in and patted me quickly on the back, before moving far away from me once more. My body felt cold without him there, my emotions undeniably sad. Maybe my feelings for Joey were a little complex, but that didn’t mean I wanted to dismiss them.
“Well, I’ll speak to you soon, send me a message, okay?”
“Yeah, bye.” As he walked off, my heart sank. I didn’t want him to go, I wanted to call to him, to pull him back with me, but what would I do if he rejected me. That might damn near kill me!
Anyway, it didn’t matter, I thought as I walked slowly inside. He was my friend, I had his number, I could see him whenever I wanted. Especially if I wanted to try surfing again…
He was making me want something that I hadn’t for about a decade, his words were making me yearn, and that was such a strange feeling. I could almost smell the salty water, wafting up my nose. I could practically feel the cool waves flickering between my toes. My heart was racing from excitement already, there was nothing more thrilling, and my body was snapping back into action.
I grabbed a giant glass of water from the kitchen, and made my way up the stairs, brushing past the embarrassing teenage photos of myself that hung along the hallway as I went. I expected my parents to do a lot of changing when I moved out, I certainly didn’t think that they’d still have my bedroom for me; when I called them I told them a blow-up mattress would do, but in reality, it was like a time warp. A shrine to teenage me.
Being back in my bedroom was very strange, or at least it had been when I first returned, I was getting a bit more used to it now. I had adjusted back to the faded surfing posters, I barely even saw the woman in a bikini next to my bed. I didn’t even think about the photo of my group of school friends hanging by my mirror anymore, but this time as I went back in I looked at it all carefully, questions floating through my mind.
The way that I was feeling for Joey was exciting, but very new too. I couldn’t help but wonder if this attraction was only for Joey, or if it was something that I’d been buried deep for a long time. Maybe that was why things hadn’t worked out with Maria, maybe it was more my fault than I’d realized.
Had I ever known who I was? Was this a totally new thing, this confusion, this darting about in my brain? I couldn’t recall a time when I felt confident about who I was, but I didn’t think there was a time where I felt this up in the air either.
Eventually I lay down on my cool bed sheets, thinking it all over. Yes, Maria had caused a massive upheaval in my life, there was no denying that, but I didn’t feel like she’d changed too much about me. Yes, I’d acted like a different person for her, but as soon as she was gone I shook all of that off. Joey, however, Joey had shifted something monumental inside of me, and I didn’t think there was any going back.
Did I confess my feelings to him? Did I let him know that I liked him, but I was scared to act upon it? Of course, I still had no idea where his feelings lay, which didn’t help. But maybe if I said nothing it would end up causing a massive divide between us.
Maybe after a good night’s sleep, I’d wake up with a clearer head and I’d be able to make my decision about what to do. I squeezed my eyes shut and willed sleep to come for me, but now I was far too wired to get any rest at all.
I quickly gave up as my jittery body wouldn’t lay still and I turned to look at my phone. I ran my fingers over his name and number, a big grin spreading across my cheeks. Then, without even meaning to, I typed out a message to him, forgetting all the rules of being cool.
Hey Joey, just wanted to message you so that you have my number (it’s Flint, by the way). Also, you’ve got me thinking a lot now about surfing, and somehow you’ve managed to convince me that maybe I do want to get back out on the ocean.
My fingers hit send, and my head flopped back on my pillow, with my heart pounding away in my chest. Then, not even thirty seconds later it bleeped with a reply, sending my emotions running wild. Was he waiting for me to text him? Was he excited to hear from me? Oh God, what did all of this mean?
You aren’t at work tomorrow, right? No time like the present. I’ll be round to get you in the morning. Joey.
In all honesty, I was so looking forward to seeing Joey that I didn’t think about anything else. My brain simply shut off the part where I might have to surf. I drifted off into a peaceful night of sleep where my imagination could run wild, without any rationality getting in the way. I could imagine Joey leaning in and kissing me, my brain could explore how much I might like that, my mind could think about having his hands all over me…
I dreamed about things that I was too scared to consider when I was awake, and it felt really good.
Chapter Eight
Knock, knock.
A thrilling fear lightning-bolted through me as I heard the light knocking of someone at the door. Deep down I knew that there was only one person that could be. I rose from my chair slowly, staring toward the door like the person standing behind it could either be a serial killer or the love of my life.
It seemed that despite all my years avoiding it, I was about to at least attempt to face my biggest fear.
As I moved slowly toward the door, my feet barely touched the ground, my heart pounded so noisily in my chest that I feared it might burst free. I grabbed the door and tugged it open, trying to force a casual, breezy expression on my face.
“Hey, I can’t believe you’re here, Joey.”
My eyes inadvertently ran up and down his body, a shyness overcame me. I’d been dreaming very inappropriate thoughts about him all night long, and I was afraid that he could see it written all over my face. The barely-clothed look he was currently sporting, reminded me of exactly how naked he was, in my dreams.
“So,” Joey indicated toward his board. “Are you ready for this?”
The happiness that shone in his eyes as he discussed the water reminded me of how I used to look. I missed being that pumped and passionate about something… maybe it was time to get it back.
Or to at least try.
“Well, I would but I don’t have a board anymore. I didn’t bother buying a new one after the accident.” My eyes fixated on a stray cloud as I admitted that. “Maybe we should put it off for today and do something else…”
“You aren’t getting out of it that easily, I have some down at the surf school. You can borrow one of those.”
I gulped and nodded, trying to stop myself from physically shaking. This was a good thing; this was me grabbing onto life with both hands and simply rolling with it. I was taking back all the control. What could be better than that?
If only I felt as confident about it as I wanted to. The whole world shook as terror rattled through my body.
“Okay, let’s go.”
As we walked down toward the shore, I tried to shake it all off. I wanted to shut my unhelpful thoughts down to get into the moment, to embrace the heat of the day, and the beauty of home, but the crashing, watery sounds filling my ears, prevented me from relaxing. I needed a single mindedness to get me through it, but my brain had other ideas entirely…
The soft, buttery sand brushed under my feet, the sun pierced through the sky, a tiny crab scuttled in front of me, the chatter of a group of happy teenagers disturbed me, but I couldn’t drag my attention away from the sharp, piercing rocks. The ones that wanted to claim me for their own. Only a small part of brown peeked above the water, but I knew that they delved right down into the horrific blackness below. No one really knew what lay down there, the underneath was a mystery to everyone, and the image of me heading back down there, with no hope of ever bursting free again, was almost too much to handle.
My chest grew tight, my mind began to swim, I felt a little unsteady on my feet. “I can’t…” My hands knotted around Joey’s arm, searching for something solid to support me. My head was shaking, I couldn’t feel the ground beneath my feet anymore, it was almost as if I was floating and falling all at once. “No, I’m sorry, I can’t do it.”
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��Breathe,” Joey instructed, allowing me to slump my whole weight against him. “In, and out, keep on breathing.” I obeyed him, just because his voice was the only thing able to break through my shock barrier. “It’s all going to be okay, there’s absolutely no pressure.”
Even the fear of being judged was totally gone, panic was filling me. “I just can’t do it, I’m so sorry.” I staggered backward until my butt hit the ground beneath me. My eyes were fixed only on the big expanse of mystery that lay before me. Out here, I knew what surrounded me, in there, anything could happen. “I thought… I can’t…” I couldn’t even breathe any more, it was as if my throat was closing.
More patiently than I might have been, Joey crouched down in front of me, and he held my face in his calloused fingers. “Don’t look at it,” he told me kindly. I wanted to take his comfort in the way that it was intended, but all I could think about was the ice-cold fear totally encasing my heart. “Just look at me.” I zoned in on his eyes, allowing his gaze to consume me instead. The green was flecked with elements of gold, which were captivating enough to hold my attention. There was something so comforting about him, about that look, it somehow managed to distract me from the terror that lay ahead. It was as if Joey held mysteries of his own, but all I wanted was to know more about them. “I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. You are not alone. Nothing will happen to you.” My breaths slowed down, my heart stopped hurting. “You don’t have to go in, not if you don’t want to, but if you do, I will be here for you.”
“Yeah.” Joey’s words trickled down my spine, calming my panting down. “Yeah okay, I just… this is a whole lot harder than I thought it was going to be.”
“Let’s just sit here for a while.” He moved next to me, so close that I could feel the heat emanating from his body. “Just look at the water for a bit. Try not to think of it as your enemy.”
I did as he asked, but the only vision in front of me was the one of me hitting my head repeatedly. I could almost feel the pain radiating through my body. “I don’t want it to be my enemy anymore,” I admitted. “I miss the feel of being out on the waves, of forgetting the rest of the world. I feel like it was such a big part of me for so many years, and now… now we’re strangers.”
“How about you don’t worry about getting up on the board today?” Joey asked me curiously. “Why not just dip in a toe? That won’t be so hard, right?”
“Well when you put it like that, it sounds silly,” I chuckled mirthlessly, gazing back out onto the black and white image from the horror movie of my life. “But I can give it a go.” I hadn’t even been near the edge of the water since that day, but with Joey by my side, I hoped it would be a whole lot easier.
Not letting me backtrack on my words, Joey slid his hand through mine and he led me toward the water. My heart was dancing all over my chest, sickness swirled through my body, but I was still doing it. I was defying every part of my body screaming at me to stop, and I was making progress.
Joey was in the water in a heartbeat, up to his ankles, and seeing him there made me want to take that step. My instincts wanted me to run, but I edged closer, moving nearer and nearer by the second.
As the water lapped my toes, my legs leapt backward like a terrified child. My arms folded protectively across my chest and my emotions shrunk inwards.
“It’s okay,” Joey reached his hands out to me, smiling brightly as he did. “Let me hold your hands, guide you in.”
I nodded frantically, allowing him to take me, and as the coldness crept up my legs, a little piece of me started to calm down. It was as if my brain could finally recall some of the good times. Once my ankles were wet, my eyes finally connected with Joey’s once more.
“It feels nice, right?” he asked with a bright grin on his face as if he could read my mind exactly. “It isn’t as bad as what you were expecting?”
“No,” a warm elation filled my chest as I realized that he was probably right. “No, it feels good. In fact, I might feel brave enough to actually go in a little bit deeper.”
“Are you sure?”
I moved slowly, tentatively, and admittedly as the water swam up higher and higher over my legs and up to my stomach, the terror kept cropping up. But I worked through it, my body kept sliding forward, and it continued to become apparent to me that everything was going to be okay. That the same thing wouldn’t happen to me twice.
“Do you… maybe feel up for a quick swim?” Joey grew nearer to me, pride filling his expression. “Just say if that feels too much…”
But the water already covered my back, my legs were already kicking, I felt lighter than air, zooming through as if it was the easiest thing on the planet. Maybe bravery was becoming cockiness, but I was going with it.
Why the hell didn’t I do this sooner? Why did I allow fear to control me for so damn long? I wasted so much of my life. But as I swam, as I burst through the water, I felt all of that racing away. The sadness was gone, the heartbreak of leaving Maria, the lost years… it all vanished totally.
Elation filled my chest instead. I could do this. I’d already made some huge changes in my life, I’d already been incredibly brave, I could do more too.
“You know what?” I turned around to see Joey swimming closer to me. “I think I’m ready to try getting up on the board after all. Is that crazy?”
“Maybe,” Joey laughed. “But in a good way. Come on, let’s get back. We won’t push it. I won’t let you take it too far too soon.”
As I swam behind him, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. There was never any indication that a day was going to be life changing, and this one was no different. Nothing ominous clung to the air, the birds didn’t chant louder for me, it was just like every other day…yet it was perfect.
Somehow he’d managed to do the one thing that no one else had in all those years, and I admired him greatly for that. I had no idea how this was going to turn out, but I was glad that I was finally willing to try!
Chapter Nine
“Okay, so how small do you want to start?” Joey asked me tentatively as he handed me the board. “I don’t want to begin too small, but I really don’t want you to push yourself either. You’ll end up losing your confidence forever.”
My knuckles gripped the rainbow-colored board tightly, trying to remember how to hold on naturally. A pen, they could now do, a computer keyboard, no problem, but this… this was a little much.
“Uhm…” I glanced toward the pulsating ocean, trying to weigh my options. “Maybe just treat me like a kid doing it for the very first time? That might make me see what skills I still have inside my brain.”
“Okay, but just tell me if I’m patronizing in any way. I don’t want to be a dick, I know you are probably more expert at it than me!”
“I don’t know about that… come on, let’s get going.”
My forehead felt ice cold and boiling hot all at the same time as I stepped up onto the board. I wasn’t even in the water, not really, only on the edge of it, but still I was a little scared.
“Now, I don’t need to remind you how to balance, do I?”
I shook my head at Joey, some instincts kicking back in. I could do this, it was all there in my memory somewhere. I just needed to find the key to unlock it all. “No, I think I’ve got it.”
“You look good on the board, like you really belong there.”
I felt that way too, not that I was ready to admit that aloud. I was trying to take this one step at a time. “Thanks.”
“So, now this is a little weird to me, why don’t you tell me what’d help you?”
I cocked my head to one side as I pondered that, before an idea flooded my mind. “I haven’t seen you surf yet. Would you mind if I watched you for a bit?”
“Oh, sure.”
He didn’t look convinced that would help me, but luckily he did as I asked. I watched as he slid into the water, commanding the ocean like a god. As he flipped up onto his feet, standing firmly on the board, my heart hammered in
my chest. He had a body to die for, I wanted to grab hold of it, to hold it close to me. I had a red-hot fire burning in my stomach, one that had butterflies the size of birds flapping around.
I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.
As he twisted and turned, using his body to guide his board through the lashing, dancing waves, I got far more lost in him than his actual surfing technique. Maybe I was supposed to be paying attention, it was possible that I was supposed to be learning something here, but Joey and his intoxicating looks had me utterly transfixed.
By the time Joey crashed back onto the beach, panting like crazy, I was giddy and excitable like a child on Christmas morning. “That was incredible,” I gasped happily. “You’re amazing out there.”
“You will be too, I can’t wait to see what talent you have on the water.” He patted my arm gently, which made me yank him in for a hug.
“Thank you for this. I know I haven’t really done a lot today, but it feels like massive steps. I don’t know if I could’ve done it without your encouragement.”
After I’d said those words, I should have pulled back, I knew that I was done. I’d hugged him for the socially acceptable amount of time, and if I didn’t let go soon things would start to get complicated. I might even accidently let my true feelings out. Yet, I couldn’t seem to make myself do it. My hands were on his amazingly strong back, my chest was pressed up against his, I could feel his breath tickling my neck, and it felt good.
This was crazy, I was teetering into dangerous territory here, which I shouldn’t have been doing if I wanted to keep him as a friend. If I let him know that I was having some very unexpected feelings for him, I could potentially lose him in a heartbeat.
So why couldn’t I let go?
It hadn’t escaped my notice that he wasn’t letting go of me either. He could have easily pushed me away, he could’ve stepped back and ended this before it overstepped any boundary, but he hadn’t. He was clinging to me, just as tightly as I was him.